How to Talk to Sis

Tough and hard.... keep it short, be positive. State the obvious, keep specifics out of it. Talk about your relationship, and ask what kinds of things the two of you can do to keep the relationship strong. Maybe talk about your kids' relationship as cousins too. Good luck with this. I'm lucky to still be "pretending". Let us know how it went!?!

Hi K.,
Honestly I wouldn't have a discussion about it at all. Build your relationship with your sisters. You go and visit them, make plans for things to do with them and just leave the men out of it. If there is ever occassion for a full family gathering I would hope that they could all just cope with being near each other for a little while. I have an issue with a family member myself. But I decided that it is not worth losing a sibling or causing a huge family crisis over. I just keep my feelings to myself and do not pursue any type of interaction with this person unless forced to. Then it is kept to the topic at hand and I walk away as soon as possible. It works for me and I still get to enjoy a great relationship with my sibling and nieces. My situation has been years in the making, believe me everyone in the family already knows the issues. I would imagine it is the same in your situation. There really is no need to discuss it any further. Tell your sister you love her and go have a great visit.
Take care,
B.

My sister and I are still close, she lives in town and we get together weekly, but our husbands can't stand each other. As long as you both know that there's nothing wrong between you two, its all your husbands issues, then your relationship should be fine. And husbands have a way of surprising you when you need them the most. My sister and I were on vacation years ago and were in a bad car accident. My husband and her husband both came out to Iowa with my dad to pick us up. They managed to set their differences aside for that short trip for our sake. As soon as we were back in Colorado, they went back to hating each other again.

There have been a few times she's brought up to me how nice it would be for all of us to get together. I have to remind her that it will probably never happen, but we have a good relationship and we can't let our husbands affect us.

I don't know it's hard when the in-laws don't get along. Can you go to your sister's more often by yourself? You have to be really careful in how you explain your action, reasons to your sister. Otherwise there will be major family issues.

First thing for you is to realize there are LOTS more families with in-laws who don't like each other than those who do. There are thousands of in-laws doing the "tippy-toe" dance around each other. Sometimes, the problem is when at a family get together, we are out of our home zone where we are in control. Sometimes, it is a situation where the problem in-law(s) are just not likable. It seems too many of us make it a competition of who is best and has the best. The most petty things become huge. Drives me nuts. It stands to reason that each of us has our own household, lifestyle and way of doing things.
My husband and I married 5 yrs ago(2nd for me)late 40's couple. My husband has a BIL who is a loud mouthed, know it all, lucked up in money, verbally abusive, Christian rejecting, jerk. SIL over the top evangelical, holier than thou, nothing but designer. Dad also "christian" who raised the kids without tv because it was evil, who now spends 12 hours a day watching the tube, verbally abusive. All the clan including aunts,uncles, cousins and the once removed descended on us(univited) for 3 days a few months after we married. They somehow got together and decided on this 3 day family reunion at my house and then informed me a week before it was to come off. Everyone wanted to see the divorced woman with 3 grown kids who finally caught the bachelor of the family and put her to the test. It was a nightmare. On day one, I quickly got enough of the snide comments, bragging, down the nose looks at all around. As we were all in close proximity, after one too many comments from the "christians" I replied that all have sinned and come short of the glory of the lord and let he without sin cast the first stone, if thy brother has offended thee, go to thy brother in private. There were about 25 people there, the place went silent, you could have heard a pin drop for about 30 seconds. I had addressed the room at large, but everyone knew who the targets were. That cured it. Evidently, no one had ever crossed any of them before. BIl suddenly remembered he had to get started on the 6hr drive home for some forgotten chore and as he had made the wife drive separately anyway, she could leave when she wished. SIL was a little more discreet, waited about an hour before announcing their family should get going on their 4hr journey another direction. Neither of them returned the other 2 days. Little harder for dad, as they were staying in a motel 2 miles away and most of the company in the house were his relatives. Took him a couple of hours to announce he was just tired and needed to rest for a while. He had no choice but return the next 2 days and was civil and every once in a while, charming.
Only been 2 other gatherings since then. All 3 greet and then try to avoid me. If I see they have someone cornered, I just walk up and ask if I can join the conversation. I didn't change them, just changed the way they speak in my presence. None of the 3 like me. Everyone in the family knows it. I'm fine with that. I don't like the way they treat people. Really, what are they going to do with someone like me? I don't criticize, accuse or attack, just let them know in terms I know they understand their behavior is offensive to all in attendance. Oh, they could shut me up, cause me to leave, but not without making themselves look like REAL jackasses in front of the others. All 3 have issues that seem to require hurting other's feelings. Not my problem, not going to let it become my problem or ruin an otherwise enjoyable gathering. I adore my husband's sister married to the jerk. My husband's mom is such a gem. Don't care for the brother married to the ultimate christian, but hardly have occasion to speak with him,anyway. I have an excellent relationship with both of my husband's sisters and mom. We speak on the phone, by email and letters.
I am fully aware that all 3 "on their list" in-laws have said things to the effect that I think I am better than them. In one respect, that happens to be true and I will make no apology for it. I am better, in that I see no need to belittle or humiliate others. I see no need to try and prove I am better than anyone else. I have as much "baggage" as anyone, but when I am at a celebratory gathering I leave that at home. If it takes making someone else feel bad in order for me to have a good time, then I should stay at home. So, yes, in that respect, I think I am better and should the day ever come any of the 3 says this to my face, the above will be my answer.
In your situation, we will assume that both BILS are just not likable, as you state that you don't care for them any more than your husband. If that is the case, both your sisters are probably in the same situation as you. If their husbands are the not likable, don't like any of the family, got to flex the muscles and beat the chest at gatherings, they probably don't like your husband, or each other. Even though, they may join forces at gatherings and appear to get along.
You might try approaching the subject by opening a conversation in the more general terms of how uncomfortable things can be at a family gathering. Then, address that your husband feels her husband doesn't care for him very much. Be prepared, and open to the possibility that her husband feels that you/your husband think you are better than he. DO NOT tell her any of your specifics, even if she tells you theirs, lest you and sis get into a hard to repair argument. Remember, you brought this up, her husband may have his own list. Go prepared to hear things you didn't know and would probably rather not know. Try and just listen, then you'll know what's up. When she's finished the two of you can agree it's better to keep them apart. Again, don't recite your list of what's wrong with her husband. Let what she said about yours be forgotten. Even if she asks you to clue her in on what you think is wrong with her husband, don't go there. Your goal was to find a way to maintain the relationship with your sister and not have to be in company of her husband. Listening to a litany of complaints about yours while keeping silent about hers may be the price you have to pay.
Or, you could try to keep it in the generalities of how the subconscious carries issues of sibling rivalries and childhood issues into adulthood and surface when in larger groups, even though those present are not siblings. How men, whether they think they are or not, are doing the "survival of the fittest", "leader of the pack" thing. How all of you sisters chose men with strong, leadership personalities and those things come into play and what you, as sisters must do to keep these things from coming between you. Even if it means not getting together as foursomes.
If it is that your husband is not the outwardly competitive type(like myself and my husband) he still competes to have the outwardly competitive leave the competive nature at home when he's around. If he is the outwardly competitive, he may not like being around a guy who appears to him to be too passive. Maybe the guy is alcoholic or spendthrift or something more concrete to dislike.
While sis's husband may be a jerk, it could also be that he really does feel inferior to your husband. Whatever the problem, you have to be aware that as your feelings toward BIL are reflective of your husband's feelings, so are your sister's reflective of her husband toward yours. If you are going to be offended to find that out, I would leave the situation as is.
Seems to me that men some men kind of love hating each other. Whether it's the golf links, the bowling league, the softball team, the pickup football game. They go back week after week no matter how mad they get at other guys. These men evidently have no understanding of men who just don't want to be like them and don't want to be around that kind of atmosphere. While their competitive buddies tick them off, these non-competitors scare them, which ticks them off. I don't know what is driving the dislike for your husband, but the things I have mentioned are just a few of the possibilities. It doesn't really matter what's driving it, the issue is he doesn't want to be around them, but if you know the cause, could be very helpful in how you discuss it with your sisters.
This is your sister. I would be pretty sure she is aware of the undercurrent of dislike among the men. So, my advice is to start a conversation on the more general terms of family discomfort at holiday gatherings, see her reaction to that. Then maybe progress to an experience of seeing aunt or uncle so and so who couldn't seem to get along, or maybe how mom or dad felt about one of their in-laws. Tell sis you are so glad that your relationship is a strong one. Talk about how guys are guys whether they are surfer dude, construction worker, or corporate executive. I mean, don't we all know a guy with a huge paunch, bad combover who wears a faded hawaiian shirt, speedos, white knee socks and sandals and thinks his date should be 36-24-36, perfectly coiffed, maniucured, designer dress and spiked heels???????
And what do you do if you discover her hubby really likes yours and would like to spend time as a foursome? Time for you to pony up and realize the issue is his/yours, for whatever reason. If that's the case and you are not willing to admit it and go there, best leave things as they are for another while until you are comfortable with letting sis know how you feel and the consequences that may follow.
There's two cents of my nickel's worth. Hope it at least gives you food for thought. Good luck.

Dear K. S. I have learned you can not please every one and some times you just have to except it. I tryed to make my husbans famliy happy and tryed to go to all of there family gatherings. I played the good mother/wife and make sure the grandparents saw there grand kids. It seamed like I was fighting my husban and his parents all the time. Later my husban told me he was beat by his dad at Christmass and other gatherings. Eny way the family just hated me and I got the blame for all the truble between the family.
Looking back I should told him to make the desions wether we went over to his parents place ore not.
You need to have a long talk with your husban to find the real reason he dose not like your family. Then maybe you can work it out between you.

Hope this helps C. J.

Hi K.,

I have had a tremendous amount of experience with a not so well liked brother in-law. My sister and I were best friends. Here husband has just been someone that the entire family disliked from day one. It was something that was always felt but nothing was ever said. However one day it all snowballed and true feelings were revealed. To make an extremely long story short, I have not talked to my best friend in two and a half years. Word of advice: just accept who is in your family now, do not let it damage the relationship you have with your sister, it is not worth it!!

I commend you for understanding that you can't solve this problem and make it nice.

This is a tough one, because I don't think that your sister is going to like hearing this news. I wouldn't bring it up with her--after all, it's not your/her issue, it's the men's issue.

Personally, I would concentrate on bringing it up with my husband only when another family gathering was imminent. I would completely commisserate that he wouldn't be looking forward to seeing those men, and I would ask him how he wants to handle it. Your support will be key in his decision, so I wouldn't over-discuss it or re-hash the relationship mess. Just say something like, "Honey, Bob and Luke will be at Aunt Marian's wedding anniversary party. Think about whether you'd like to attend, and let me know if I can be of some help." And that's it. Don't beg him to attend or discuss all the relationship issues. He'll be relieved not to re-hash it all, and he'll appreciate you giving him the green light on coming up with his own solution.

It really stinks when family members can't get along. My dad has created all this with my family. Growing up we had holidays with my family and I remember how much fun it was getting to see all my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents (they all live in another state and we are in Colorado) My dad is a bitter person and has come to hate everyone, so he's completely cut off ties with my moms side of the family, he has 5 sisters and one brother, he talks to two of his sisters, but never sees them or gets together with them, they too live in another state, so it's just always been me, my husband/kids and my parents, I'm an only child because my brother passed away as a baby. As each holiday comes and goes, I really feel lonely, and like i'm missing something, and i feel bad that my kids don't get to experience the fun and chaos of seeing lots of family for the holidays, it's just always us, which doesn't make it special, it's just like any other day.
My point is, try not to become bitter and hateful, you probably won't get along with everyone, but if you only have to see them for a few hours a few times a year, just grin and bear, at least you'll have some memories, and give your kids memories of those times.

I have a similiar situation,except, it is a sister-in-law.
I have talked to my husband about this,but, all it did was make him mad at me and blame me for not trying.I have given up after 7 years of trying and there is always something there that will not heal.On family functions I suck it up and deal with it and ignore it best as possible.It is for our family we do this.If you do talk to her, just say it is a personality clash and no way reflects on her., because,as a couple you are a part of your partner.Good luck.

My husband doesn't like to interact with anyone (let alone my family) so if he ever comes to events with my family it's because I drag him there.
For your situation I recommend that you just be straightforward with your sister and let her know that you value your relationship with her. Maybe talk to your husband beforehand and see if he's willing to be the "bad guy" in this and take the blame for not doing stuff with them as a couple. Either way, don't badmouth her husband. If he has issues, she knows about them already and pointing them out (without her bringing them up first -- and even then you are on thin ice if you bash on him too much) won't help anything.
When you do talk to her you might want to have something planned that you'd like to do with her at a future date to reemphasize the fact that you value your relationship with her.
Good luck!

Well actually in fact i am in a situation very similar to that. when it comes to your conversation just bring it up. tell her that no matter what you guys will always be strong. also mention that no one can control another s thoughts words actions or otherwise. so any action by an outside party cannot be blamed on a sister. you and your sisters have to keeps the bond strong. if it takes all your effort and none of theirs then you are fighting for a cause that will soon wear you down. i hope all turns out well for you and yours.