How to Talk or Bring up the Subject About Sex

i had this same talk w/ my then 14 year old Freshman who asked me if he was too young for sex. Instead of saying yes, I put it back on him (because it is not my decision and since it was so personal he had to decide for himself) and spent the next two hours explaining and answering questions that before he makes the decision to become sexually active he needs to know some things--we then discussed STDs and health, reputation, and gossip, possible pregnancy, birth control methods he was aware of, abortion-guilt, teen parenting, "lifelong" relationship with the mom, girls at school who had babies, responsibility for the next 19 years (financial and fathering), and disrupting his college and future goals for himself. Could he handle all this for some "fun" and does he want to put himself in any of these positions in case of a "mistake"? He sat and thought and said to me" I think I will go along with my original plan--I will wait until I am 18 and more mature" My answer then was "That is a good plan, but even then you have to think of all these things and always have them on your mind!" I told him that whatever he decided I would always love him and support his decisions as long as they were well though out and our line of communication was always left open so we could discuss them when he had questions. .. The next day his 13 year old girl friend broke up with him and spread rumors all over school that he was gay because he wouldn't have sex with her. He is so hurt that she would say things about him and he feels since he was a Freshman that people are labeling him and judging him for what should be a personal decision and no one's business and it will never go away. He is now a Sophomore and little discussion of this incident has occurred since. I have also heard from his teachers that he is one of the most respectful kids in his classes and he has lots of friends and is looked up to by his peers. I also tell him i love him everyday and when we talk (most times very briefly) about school and kids there--I always find something to tell him about how I am proud of him, or i approve of his actions or I listen while he analyzes others inappropriate behaviors and then I thank God and all the universal energies for such a wonderful boy. I wish i could get him to clean his room better--his "man-cave" of a room could accommodate cave men for sure!
Good luck with your daughter. I have 2 older daughters and i think they were a lot easier to discuss sensitive and critical issues.

I think you should talk to her, and tell her that you really respect her decision and are happy with it, but that if she should change her mind, you want her to have the facts. Also, you want her to be informed so she can help her friends, who will likely turn to friends before their parents. Also, she may be saving SEX for marriage, but not saving EVERYTHING ELSE...kids today are having oral sex etc a lot sooner, and she needs to know that she has to protect herself with those things too. If you've seen Dr. Laura Berman on TV, she's an advocate of informing your kids and has a book about how to talk to your kids about sex. Hopefully you can open up the lines of communication so that she will feel comfortable talking to you. Good luck!

I'm not quite sure where you stand on her current promise -- are you OK with her having premarital sex when she is of age? Because how you handle it does depend on whether you are living in fear of her breaking it, or simply hopeful that she can keep it.

I would take the road that your number one concern is her health, self-esteem and reproductive opportunities in the future (and, if you are strictly pro-life, the huge gamble involved in every encounter.) Remind her that after herself, nobody cares more than you about her. Potential partners and lovers care much less. If sex is something to argue about, conversations don't go well. But if the topic is really how much you love her and how much you want her to have a wonderful and fulfilling life, including sex, love, marriage and kids, then you can perhaps really enjoy your next talk.

I think the trick with teenagers is to make sure her guard isn't up. If she feels like mom is about to give her a lecture, she'll tune you out. She'll also get defensive if she feels like you're judging her or quite frankly, telling her what to do.
I would wait until you're both in a good mood, not stressed out about anything (if she's got a big test at school she's not going to be interested), and then be as neutral as you possibly can. Sound more like a doctor or even a friend and a lot less like mom.
When you do get into this, provided she's responding to you and opens up to you, be prepared for her to tell you she is having sex or doing everything but. If she's telling you this stuff she's probably looking for a sounding board more than an opinion. If she asks your opinion give it carefully but otherwise I would be keeping my opinions to myself.
At least that's how I would have wanted my mother to treat me. She and I didn't have a good relationship and she never actually talked to me about sex. I wanted her to be more "friend" and less mom and she was all mom. So I just stopped talking to her. Now we're cordial. I have 2 kids and she's active in their lives and, quite frankly, she's good with small children. She just didn't know what to do with teenagers and never understood me.
Now as an adult, I'm also a teacher. I probably will come at this conversation with my own daughter when she gets there, as a teacher and not as a parent. That way I can stay non judgmental and hopefully maintain open communication with my daughter. Something I never had with my mother.
Good luck!

First, I wouldn't even address her until you have absorbed and dealt with your feelings concerning the information you have received. If ou approach her with any anger, she will pull away from you. I recently had this conversation again with my daughter. I waited until we were alone sitting on the sofa and casually brought it up. You know, we can raise them in a certain way, but ultimately free will lets them decide which path they will take. And it is NOT always the path we had hoped for. Try not to make her feel like she is being interrogated, because she may shut down or lie to you as to not hurt your feelings. I told my daughter that she knows the path that we would like her to take and the reasons why (very important). I gave her ways to avoid situations that could put her into a position that something could happen. Also, I do my part in making sure I know where she is at all times. I do not allow her to go over boys houses. When she is going to a friends house, it is only to houses that I know the parents and they know the standards we are raised out kids to follow. But when all is said and done, we can truly only pray that they respect themselves enough to not give them selves away. Good luck. And, wait until your not as upset!!

not sure what your religious, if any, belief is but there are age appropriate books at the christian book store you can buy. we just bought several for our kids and they are super helpful! good luck!!!

My daughters are 11 and almost 13 and we started by reading the book "How to prepare your daughter for every woman's battle" by Shannon Ethridge. It is a great book. You read it first then go thru the second half with your daughter(s). The first part of the book is really wonderful on talking with your daughter and why they do what they do. It hits every subject from A to Z. You can find it in any book store. Good luck and God Bless.

don't make this harder than it is.....you are Mother & Daughter! Make conversations like this a natural part of life, let it be an open conversation, & you have two choices: you can either prep her for the talk by asking her to compile a list to talk to you about .....or....you can lose your list because it may feel like a "grocery list" to her! (Personally, I use lists & my family makes fun of me!)

Honest, open, & without emotional hangups! Good Luck.