It takes two to fight. you can always smile sweetly and say, "I love you too much to fight about this." and walk away.
My husband and I fight constantly. Never about anything serious though, What can I do everyday to ensure no arguing?? How can I stop the fighting and keep him happy?
We have a son whos 16 months old.
It takes two to fight. you can always smile sweetly and say, "I love you too much to fight about this." and walk away.
negativity breeds negativity. Make a pact to be positive. It takes strength, but in the end it will become easy.
It takes two to argue, right? Dont play into it. Think before you speak, start doing exactly the opposite of what you do now. If you start being nice, so will he. Dont tell him you are trying to be nice, just do it. I'm not sure what little things you are fighting over. If it's like he's leaving his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, just pick them up and throw them in the hamper without saying anything about it.... just be a good wife. They like us to take care of them. If you are pissed about something he does that you can actually fix yourself just fix it and chalk it up to just being a good wifey. Eventually, he will start doing nice things for you too, it's just the way the Karma works it, it's pretty awesome once you tap into it.
First, you can't ensure no arguing. It's a form of communication that is actually quite healthy in the right context. As my father said to me after my husband and I had our first real fight... people who say they don't argue with their spouse probably don't talk to them either!
Start keeping track of what you are fighting about. There is a difference between fighting and bickering, which is I think what you are describing. Having said that, this is not a communication pattern you want your son to replicate!
See if there are patterns to your bickering. Don't get crazy about it, but jot down something like "Monday, 7am can't find keys" in a little pocket journal. Keep track for a week and then take a look. Are you arguing as soon as your husband gets home from work? Well, then look at what you are arguing about- are you attempting to fill him in on the day right away? Maybe he needs down time or vice versa.
I did this with my husband a while ago. We were bickering constantly and it was really upsetting to me. I realized that when I met him at the door after we had both worked all day with a list of "things to talk about", he snapped at me. I got upset and would say something back... and so started another fun night! I point-blank asked him if it bothered him when I asked him a question as soon as he walked in and it did. I asked him what he needed and his simple answer- "two minutes to put my stuff down, wash my hands and hug my son". Okay- problem solved. This actually started a healthy pattern for us that basically allowed us to say- "what you are doing right now bothers me and you do it all the time. Please stop." without launching into a full-blown fight.
It's always a good thing to actually vocalize your desire not to fight!
Maybe next time you are aware you are gonna get in a fight, just tell him "Baby, I love you...I do not want us to fight" and go give him hug and a kiss!
I may make it sound like I just finally gave in to my husband, but, here is what I did, and, we have been happy. We too, were fighting about everything, dumb stuff. To make matters worse, we own two companies so we work together! Ahhh!!!
Anyway, I did as suggested below. I just started being overly nice. OVERLY nice. I didn't give in when he made a smart comment. I bit my tongue, HARD, and, just swallowed my pride. I figured, I want OUR FAMILY to be happy, why should I give in. I started doing little things. Rubbing his shoulders, kissing him for no reason, scratching his back. Things that made him feel good. Things that I did when we were new, fresh, and HAPPY.
Eventually, he started being like when we just met also. He would send me sweet texts saying I was special, or, just that he loves me.
Now, our new thing, is to see how many days in a row we can make love. I got the idea from something I saw on a morning show a long time ago. So far, we are only on day 6, but, wow, oh, wow! He's happier, the sex is great. It does not feel like a deed. I feel younger, just after a few days in a row! Now, I don't know that we'll make it 100 days like this couple did in the article, but, whew! I feel closer to him already, I feel like I can talk to him more. Not only about my bedroom needs, but, what I am needing from him day to day. I need his help around the house. Talking to him about that now, I don't feel like he is going to bite my head off. I need him to hug me more, I don't feel like I'm pulling teeth to get that. I'm fulfilling his needs of feeling wanted and loved, therefore, he is fulfilling my needs also.
Sometimes we have to reach deep within our own self and be the bigger person to help get what we are needing, and, give our family what they need. Men are different creatures. Some are capable of doing all of this without needing anything in return. I would bet money that most are not though. ;)
Are you having sex often enough? Sorry, but with the last three words of your post "keep him happy" - that's all that came to mind.
If you start to raise your voice about something you know is rediculous, stop, appologize, start over and if you find yourself raising your voice again, walk away.
If he starts raising his voice first, say nicely, "I'm not yelling, so please stop yelling." If it continues, walk away.
My husband and I both lived with parents that screamed at each other and hated it growing up. Still hate it and we both know that we can simply say, "I'm frustrated with you right now, but I'm not quite ready to talk yet..." Or "I'm angry and here's why..." If either of us start getting angry and raising our voices, we agree to take a break and come back to it when we both calm down. By the end, we're hugging and appologizing to one another.
But... that type of thing is rare for us to begin with. We pick our 'battles' carefully. We generally just talk a lot. We talk about everything. We work together and live together... We see each other all the time.
if it's over small stuff like the toilet seat up or down, then just let it go. Since you do have a child, i would strongly suggest to try to work on not "fighting" in front of your child, this later can have negative effects on him-my daughter is starting to hate being with her dad (we're divorced) because he and his wife are usually always fighting in front of her (had to call DHS to get it to stop). if you have to, walk away from the conversation/argument, and come back later when you and your husband can TALK about the issue.
when was the last time you and your husband did something for eachother such as a family "date" or time alone together, play games, and when it's just you two make it an x rated game, those are so much FUN!!!
my husband and i are working on 2 years, (not long i know) but even before we got married we make it a habit to do something EVERY DAY for the other, even if it means something as simple as washing the other's back, or taking shoes off for the other person at the end of the day. it does wonders to a marriage. maybe at the small stuff, start laughing at the stupid stuff he says you do, and vice verse....little things go a LONG way. something else he does, if i get mad enough at him or just need to physically let out frustration (i can't hit hard) he'll let me beat up on him or we'll have a pillow fight to help the anger get released, and before we're done with that we're laughing hard at eachother and it turns into play....i love it.
I think we all have this problem from time to time.
I have tried this in the past, and it has worked for me.
Make up your mind that tomorrow you will not say ONE negative thing to your husband. Not one. If he is really on your nerve, you will have to find a nice way of letting him know, and without being negative. It's tough, but you can do it if you really set your mind to it. Try it again the next day. It's amazing what it will do for your relationship.
Simply put- PICK YOUR BATTLES. This is something you'll learn as your son grows older too. When something your husband does bothers you, ask yourself a few questions. 1. Is he iriating/hurting me on purpose? 2. A year from now will this issue still matter? 3. Why is he doing this/ acting this way? Is he stressed? Is he acting out for attention? Also, you mention, keeping him happy but you need to be happy too. If you are not giving yourself enough time/attention you'll start to pick at him for little things that are not worth picking about.
I think its important to know when to just let it go, or when to give. We will always defend our side like it's the truth, but you have to ask yourself sometime, does it really matter?
Like Laurie A. says, you have to learn to talk to your husband, to communicate rather than just speak. What I mean to say is sometimes we focus on being mad instead of really focusing on getting our point across. And most importantly at least for me is to understand and agree that sometimes, you guys just wont agree!!
There are things that we as women will never understand of men, and so on..
My advice is just keep giving it your best, that's all anybody can ask, and don't look focus on what's really important, and that is not fighting!!. Decide whether is worth to prove your point or just let it go.
I hope you find this helpful
Marriage is very hard.and takes a lot of energy. It takes work just like anything else. You need to learn some techniques.
The first thing is to learn to to talk TO each other, but WITH each other.. There are certain phrases that can help..
I feel like...
I am worried because....
I get upset when....
I love you because....
My husband and I were young when we first got married we were both 20.. We had so many fights and disagreements.. sometimes I felt like everything was a battle..And I had to win. And it was all so ridiculous.
We ended up going to marriage counseling... we actually decided to divorce. We went to our last session and then went outside to speak about how we would work to split up everything.. then we realized we had not fought during this entire conversation! We had learned how to talk with each other.. We decided to give it a try and now we have been together for almost 30 years..
So then you have a baby and NO ONE can prepare you for what that does to you and what it does to your husband. If you do not have a stable base, you start rocking back and forth with the HUGE unending responsibilities, the financial stress, trying to have a career, and still be a couple, not just mommy and daddy.
Marriages change all of the time. The changes are based on experiences, responsibility and necessity. Each of you must be secure with who you are first as individuals. Each of you has to have goals. Each of you has to realize that you are individuals and that this is healthy and natural and then you have to sit down and be honest about what you each want and need and make a plan to respect this about each other, so that you can support each others dreams and wishes.
You have to have a united front. There are no other people in this marriage.. No parents, friends.. etc, before each other.. This does not mean you cannot have your own interest or have private time to yourself or have some separate friends.. but none of that should come before your spouse..
Keep remembering why you had a baby with your husband. Why were you attracted to him in the first place. Look at him now and see that he is an amazing father, provider, husband and that this is why you love him so much.. Keep this close to your heart so that the next time he gets on your last nerve, you can give him the benefit of the doubt or at least hold in a hurtful comment..
I am sending you strength.
My husband and I are like that too. We both have very strong opinions about things and we bicker about the dumbest things. Our therapist gave us some good tools. I'll just give you the example we worked with. We strongly disagree on bedtime. I say it should be 8:00 and my dh says it should be 9:00.
So, instead of me saying to him "Bedtime needs to be 8:00" I would say "When you have a minute, I'd like to discuss bedtime." He's suppose to say back to me "Ok, I understand that you want to discuss bedtime. Let's talk about it in 15 minutes" (or an appropriate time when neither of you are distracted). Then when we sit down to talk about it I say "I feel like our kids are going to bed too late. They are crabby and grouchy the next morning." The key is to use I's and not "You's" What I really want to say is "You put the kids to bed to dang late! I have to deal with terribly crabby grouchy kids all day while you're at work." So, you can kind of see the difference in the dynamic. If the discussion turns into an argument, we're suppose to take a break and come back to the topic later. We've only been at it a week. It's already made a big improvement in our conversations. The biggest help has been saying "This is turning into an argument, not a discussion. I feel like we should take a break and come back to this topic later." So far we haven't come back to the topics because we realize how silly the arguments are.
Also, you shouldn't have to "keep him happy." You are a person and YOU need to be happy too. I hate it when people seem to think that the little wifey needs to make her "big strong man" happy. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean you don't have amazing and valid opinions and concerns. In my opinion, men need to work harder to keep US happy, not the other way around.
Honestly, I don't see little arguements as always bad things. It gets things out and keeps us from building up resentment and anger and REALLY flying off the handle. I think the key is HOW you argue. Do you call each other names? Are you rude? abusive? totally disrespectful?
Make some ground rules for fighting: NO name calling, swearing....whatever elements bother you both the most. You might find that by taking those components out of your fighting, you're removing the 'fun parts' ;)
My husband and I used to fight about laundry - he would ALWAYS leave his clothes inside-out, making my job of folding take twice as long. Finally I just started folding and hanging them up the way I got them and HE was the one who had to turn them rightside-out all the time. Neither of us said a word, but he stopped doing it once he realized what a pain it was!
Try not to have big blow-out fights in front of your son, but if you do, make sure he sees you apologize to each other afterwards. I think when kids grow up with parents who 'never fight' (they do, just not in front of the kids) they they assume that a good marriage is one where both parties agree ALL the time. Then when an arguement comes up in their own marriage, they divorce because that's not what marriage is 'supposed' to be like.
I have a tendancy to get more than a little fiesty about once a month. ;-) This feistyness doesn't make for maritial happiness. So now I try to be more polite, considerate and thoughtful when I'm speaking to my husband. Respect goes a long way. I try to watch my tone of voice and I don't need to be right about everything.
Amanda W. is right about the sex thing. My hubby can be a bear when there has been a lapse of physical intimacy. I'm probably the same way too, truth be told so we try to make an extra effort to be certain we are meeting each others needs in this area.
One last thing, it takes two to argue. If you are the one to stop to wait to another time to discuss the matter would that really help? Only you know for certain but I think it may be worth a try.
It takes 2 to have an argument. Try not responding to everything that he initiates that causes an argument. "I love you" instead of yelling can end the argument right there. Or, simply agree to disagree. Or, accept that if he is falling short of his responsibility in some way, either you let it go totally or be ok with making sure the problem doesn't get worse. Bottom line, life is short. Does everything warrant an outright argument? Meanwhile, seek a couples' counseling ministry/therapy program, retreat or seminar so you both learn how to resolve differences in a healthy way.
First you need to make sure that making him happy
is also making you happy. second i hope youre not
fighting in front or even where austin can hear you
children are very receptive to your moods and can
start acting out because of excessive fighting mabe
keep thinking of him the next time a arugment starts
happiness is a two way street. if you are only working toward keeping someone else happy and not doing anything for yourself, you going to end up resentful and not very happy. look at the bigger picture, how has your life changed in the last five years, alot, huh ? now imagine how much his life has changed in the last five years.and how do the two of you look at each other now, as compared to five years ago ?? think it over, i gotta go, i got a little one playing hide and go shriek !
Whenever I want to b*tch at my husband for something stupid I take a deep breath and think to myself, 'Is it worth it? In the scheme of life does this one thing even register on the radar" The answer is usually no so I take another deep breath and let my issue go out with that breath. It's so important to pick your battles wisely. If you complain about everything you become the little boy who cried wolf. Your husband won't hear you anymore. If you choose wisely and only argue about the things that truly matter to you he will understand that you must feel strongly about it since you don't typically complain.
Sometimes I make a joke out of it. For example, my husband leaves the cupboard doors open which makes me BATTY!!!!! When he does it instead of getting mad and starting an argument I laugh and tell him he's making me nuts by doing that and I tell him I'm afraid the dishes will jump out of the cupboards if they're open. This causes him to laugh too because he didn't mean to make me nuts so then we can laugh at how stupid it is that it makes me crazy instead of argue about it. He does the same to me. Good luck!
Hi Austins Mommy,
My husband and I fought more often when our first was around 16 months too. And it wasn't about serious topics for us either. Personally, I think it is just the reality of having a child setting in. The first year is filled with love, milestones, sleepless nights, it is all a blur. After that, the love is still there, but reality has definitely set in. Not that it is bad, but because you are chasing around your toddler all the time, there is less time for you!
I am a stay at home mom, and I am so thankful for that, and I absolutely LOVE it, but believe me, with a 2.5 year old and and 8 month old, there are days I just want to open the door and run...anywhere, but there...lol
My husband and I worked it out where at some point over the weekend (he works M-F) he watches the girls for an hour or two. I usually don't end up going anywhere, and usually just take a nice, long shower, and catch up on e-mails, etc., but that me-time helps me stay centered (and from going insane...lol) He also had his time over the weekend at some point (to golf, etc) It is amazing how much less fighting there was when we each had some time to ourselves - don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself...when mom is happy, everyone is happy!!