How to Speak to Overweight Teen Daughter About Eating

Secret eating is a sign of other issues and I think you should take her to a psychologist - preferably one specializing in adolescents. I don't know where you live but Dr. Dana Flynn Scheider in Oak Brook is good as is Smart love family services in Oak Park and Chicago. Good luck.

I am in weight watchers...and I would think it would be GREAT for the two of you to join together! You don't have to be overweight to join...you could even join for a few months and then quit after she is comfortable. You might want to talk to her about health implications- diabetes...I know so many people who have kids with diabetes and they have to eat specific diets and take insulin.

I also have a vegetarian son. We have had to really fight to make sure "vegetarian" doesn't mean "cheese and pasta-tarian." We tell him, vegetarians eat vegetables and not just non-meat junk food. Especially for people like me who are very sensitive to carbs in our diet, a low-protein diet can be a real mistake. She needs to get a good amount of protein and fiber [lentils, beans, etc.] to keep up her energy levels. Also, adequate sleep.

I think what you are doing is great - healthy exercise options, healthy food options. As you already know, there's very little anyone can do to force someone else to eat in a certain way. I've been overweight my whole life and there's really not a thing I can do about it. (I eat healthy, get an OK amount of exercise, and some years I lose and some years I gain. I'm not grossly obese, but it would be nice to be thinner.) It's best for my mental health, I've learned, to not think about weight or calories - weight watchers made me gain weight - but to focus on the positive things I can do (exercise, eating right.) Everyone needs to find their own path.

Focus on the places you can help, as you are already doing. Consider having her talk to a counselor, not about weight, but about her unhappiness with school. Help her to get involved in activities where she may make more friends outside of school (and maybe get some exercise along the way.)

But really - and I think from your thoughtful post you already know this - love her for who she is whatever shape she is. Focus on healthiness and happiness - try as hard as you can in your heart to sincerely ignore the weight/looks issue and be supportive of her at home.

Doesn't sound like she's inching toward anything. Sounds like she's already there. She hates school because the kids tease her. Verbal remarks hurt and are very frustrating. Your child probably hates everyone and blames all of you for her size. Get rid of the p.b. &j. in the house. She shouldn't eat anything during the night. Maybe a piece of fruit before bed to satisfy her all night long. She's struggling with self respect issues like all overweight women; Iknow, I'm one and lived thru all your daughter is going thru. She needs to be involved with activities in school to make different friends also. Band, choir, politics, volleyball or sports she can achieve. This will broaden her friendships. You changing your eating habbits is not the way to go. Your family should not have to give up meat for one person. That makes her feel responsible for the rest of the family suffering. Don't forget she's a child. She still needs meat to grow and develope muscle and bone. Cut back on portions and try to cut out butter and fats. Switch to olive oil whenever possible and no fried foods. It'll work and she won't feel so starved. She needs many small meals a day not few but large ones. Good luck.

I was the girl you described in your post. Eating in secret, mostly sedentary and angry when family told me I was overweight. Being overweight led to depression and embarrasment and I did not want to hang out in the crowds with the skinny people. I never did decide to lose the weight; I decided I was too lonely alone in my room and got a walkman (I just let on to how old I am!) and started walking long distances so that I could be alone with the music. A by-product of all the walking was a 50lb weight loss. Of course, I lost the weight, became more popular and discovered boys, so be careful what you wish for! To this day, I walk with my iPod, and it has nothing to do with weight loss (although it should because my weight is once again an issue in my later years). It's my sanity and alone time. This is only a guess, but maybe she's going through some growing pains and it may not be as serious as you think. She's figuring out who she is and she will have to find the thing that brings her out of this on her own. With any luck, she will discover something that makes her want to lose the weight in a healthy manner along the way.

It sounds like she, like most teenage girls, may be having some self-esteem issues, and wants to take some control over her life. Over-eating can be about control, too. I would try to start with the school social worker, and maybe get a referral for a therapist/mentor/Big Sister she could talk to outside of school.

Best of luck,
R., MSW

Hi E.,

Is there another family or mom and daughter activity you could try? If she is overweight she is certainly not feeling confident about being in a swimsuit. Maybe you can try a yoga class or a cardio class together, or just get on treadmills next to each other at the Y. Maybe you can get her into the Wii Fit?

Another thought is that maybe you two (or the whole family) can start a special cooking night where you try a new vegetarian recipe. It sounds like you have made wonderful accomodations for her already - and you should be applauded! Has she been vegetarian long? I gained 15 pounds within 3 months of giving up meat. It takes a while to sort out the healthy low fat sources of protein. Stick with promoting good health habits.

Take her to a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. She may be using food as a self medicating tool. The longer it goes on the worse it will be. I also think you should change your family activity of swimming. She may feel uncomfortable in a swim suit. Try & schedule you & her with a trainer at a gym 2 days a week for a couple of months.

I was an overwieght teen myself. Your responses all have great ideas. Yes, boys did help motivate me to lose weight, but also my parents made me join a sport when I was in the 7th grade. I was the worst player on the team, but all the running and excersise at practices helped me take off the weight. I also strongly agree with the idea of therapy. It sounds like she is so unhappy with school and herself. I know how she feels and it is a really rough world out there when you are overweight.

Excess weight is often about how we respond to stress and a need for emotional protection.
I have had these discussions for years with my oldest son (22yrs) who's weight fluctuates 15-30 lbs overweight. I repeatedly make it clear that my concerns are for his health and feelings of wellbeing. I encourage him to be active and to make an effort to resist overeating. I am honest about my concerns and his need to take responsibility for his health and lifestyle. He knows I watched my obese uncle eat himself to death surrounded by a loving family. It really comes down to motivation and that comes from within. His motivation has increased as he has matured and is learning how to manage his stress levels.
You might discuss & explore options that can interrupt the cycle of feeling down/overeating like therapy, meditation, hypnosis etc. Be honest with her about your own issues around this and you might find you can both resolve them together!

It sounds like your daughter is hitting that stage where everything you say is negative-even if it is positive-and against anything she wants to do. maybe there is something else you can do as a family other than swimming that will encourage her to move around. If most of her friends are overweight, or close to it, she might be hanging with them to feel better about herself. No skinny friends equals not feeling as fat. It also sounds like she might be feeling fat herself and becoming an emotional eater. Everytime she is reminded, she turns to food. I can tell you from my own point that it is very difficult ot control emotional eating and the best way is by doing something else whenever it seems to come up. My own daughter tends to overeat and I have to be very careful. She has improved but has become sedentary this year. I can't afford a membership at the Y which I kow woudl help get her going and there aren't many activities where I live so am kind of stuck there. But I had talked with her about letting herself feel full and the correct amounts of food. I try to stay positive whenever we discuss it. On the plus side she is no longer making a sadnwich after she finishes her breakfast. Maybe you can sit down with her-and your husband as a family-and talk about meals to prepare. getting her involved might help her realize just what you eat. Plan meals together if possible and shop together.

When I was 14 years old I was about 40# overweight and miserable. My immature mind could not figure out how to refrain from emotional eating and I had never been into athletics and just did not know how to start. My family never said a word to me about my struggles and I wish they had. I ended up with an eating disorder for many years, and although I lost the weight I was very unhealthy.

As someone who has been there, I would suggest speaking to her about respect for her body. And actually, a little honesty goes a long way. By no means am I suggesting you tell her she is fat, but rather let her know your concerns for her health - both physical and emotional. Being overweight at that age affects every aspect of your life and it is very important to make sure you acknowledge that. Most kids her age are not going to care what you tell them about health issues and what-not, but if you present it in the right way she might listen. There is a lot of information out there about how mood and attitude are directly related to what and how you eat. This approach might be more well received?

Also, my Mom signed us up at Women's Workout World when I expressed an interest in exercising and this helped a lot. She seems kind of adverse to group exercise, but maybe a Wii Fit would be fun?

Good luck. This is such a crazy time.
T.

Eliminate all man-made sugar from your home food products -- it is addictive. Cut out refined sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, etc... Also cut out butter and other oils except for a few healthy oils like Olive Oil. Is the whole family of a healthy weight? Could be a great opportunity for all of you to get healthy and happier :)) Walks might be good instead of swimming.

As a mom I have been there twice, overweight as a teenager they called me two ton tuna with the two ton t-ts fill in the blank. Sure hurt. I would go on diets and my mother would go out and sabatoge this, not on purpose by buying every twinkie and ho ho in the neighborhood, something we never had. I asked her later and she said she figured I was on a diet and I wouldn't eat them. I used to hide in the bathroom with cookies and chocolate frosting and eat all of it. Whole bags. No matter what anyone did I had to do it myself. There became a huge motivator...BOYS. Now many years later I went through this with my second son who was very big. He was adorable to me, until he got older and was becoming nasty. He started the same thing, eating, telling me I disapproved, criticized him, etc. I never did. But again I believe besides being involved in highschool plays there became another motivator and that was GIRLS. He is now about 50 pounds less and is a very handsome young man and the girls love him. She will change when she is ready to completely change her life. I work in a highschool and there are a great deal of activities available Perhaps swimming should be your activity and encourage her to do other things. When did you start the swimming? I am sure of two things, a teenager is self concious about their bodies and if this is new or even if your family is playing basketball once a week, she will think it is because she is overweight. She has to celebrate her own life. Pointing out how beautiful she is and talented is a wonderful thing you are doing. She will come around, you'll see. Try to see everything else in her except her overweightness. HOne her talents. If you are paying for swimming and it is really for her perhaps she can have guitar lessons or something for Christmas. Accepting herself for what she is is important. Then she can be the best she possibly can. With all of your love.

E., my heart aches for you...I had a teenage daughter also, who had a weight problem all of her life...it was so hard for her and now that she is 40...she still struggles...while your daughter is still young, you need to help her, because there must be something that is troubling her...there is so much help out there and you need to find what is causing all this turmoil in her life...I raised 4 daughters and I know what you are going through...nothing you can say or do sometimes will make her feel any better...I will keep you in my prayers....

As a currently vegetarian, formerly fat and unhappy teen I agree that yes, her weight has more to do with self esteem issues and its a vicious circle, you feel bad for being fat so you take comfort in food. The weight problem is really a symptom, not the heart of the issue. Some good suggestions here, but you certainly don't need to start eating meat again.

Here's what I WISH someone would have done for me:
First I would have a private talk with her and let her know you're really more concerned with her happiness than her weight. If she's got just a few extra pounds and is happy, leave her alone, she might very well grow out of it if she becomes more confident and active. And by active I don't neccessarily mean sports. I hated sports but took a lot of comfort in art and theater. Find out what you can do to support her if she's having issues at school or getting made fun of by other kids.

If you have other kids and want to buy them the occasional sugary snack, don't do it in front of her, or give the other kids money to get their own. My mom would buy cookies and junk after I asked her to please not keep them in the house and would always just say "They're for your brothers!", but it didn't matter. Bu this way no one else has to feel deprived.

Finally see if you can get her involved cooking as long as everyone's vegetarian anyway. I was a PBJ and mac-and cheese vegetarian for along time simply because I didn't know how to cook anything else. Once I got cooking, everything changed. I recommend Deborah Madison's "Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone". It's our cooking bible, and I'm married to a carnivore.

Hope this helps!