How to Resolve a Quarral with a Family Member.

She's as wrong as two left shoes. When people ask you why you are disrespecting your sister, you just say, she's angry with me because I don't agree with her that children are partially responsible when they are abused. let the family and everyone know what the conversation was, I can't imangine anyone agreeing with her, or not understanding your position. has she ever abused kids? the way she talks is that the abuser is not 100% at fault maybe there is a hidden reason she feels this way, keep your kids away from her at least for now til you know. J.

Why hide the way your sister is???
Why hide, what she told you????
When people ask what it is about, just say it. Plainly..
Why hide, what is going on and how your sister treats you?
She is banking on that. Then she is not found out... and seen for what a jerk she is.

Just say the truth. If a person asks, tell them.

But sure, go with your gut and if you cannot trust her. Don't.
I have a relative like that too.
I chose, my gut instinct & my kids, over trying to 'please' someone like that.

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Julie L: **When people ask you why you are disrespecting your sister, you just say, she's angry with me because I don't agree with her that children are partially responsible when they are abused. **

Perfect answer. Sent you a flower- wish I could send you a bouquet.

Apologize to her, for reacting by hanging up. Let her know you did her a favor, because if you had answered or responded to her statement (repeat what she said).. It would not have been a nice responce, because she had so offended you. Hanging up was best for both of you.

I have a sister that makes statements I totally disagree with.
An example. she wanted to know "When is B going to get over the death of her daughter? Gosh she is always so pitiful and brings me down every time she is around. "

My response.. "How long do you think it would take to get over the death of" your daughter or son? 1 year, 2 years, 5 years? EVER?"
"We are lucky to have B still willing to live. She wants to be with her daughter and will NEVER get over it."

I like to turn these ridiculous statement around and put them in the place of this.. You could ask your sister.. "So if your children were molested, you are saying is it partially their fault? Or are you talking about everybody else but your own children?"

I lost respect for my SIL years ago when we had a discussion about how she supported the Irag War. I asked her "So you feel so strongly about this war, you are willing to send your sons?" Her answer "Well (hem haw), Yes." My response. Interesting, I am not willing to send our child, but since the war will be going on when your sons turn 18, I will remind you about this promise." Her response./. Well he has Aspergers so he would probably not qualify. Me " How about your second son?" Her husband jumps on and says, we are no longer going to reply to your questions L.."

Guess what? Her son will be 18 this spring.. She is an idiot..

Why does she need you to agree with everything she says? It seems like you have been through this before and try to avoid confrontation with her. She sounds impossible, self absorbed and very immature. Also, shes an adult, but has to get on the phone with your family and tell them your fighting? I dont know, maybe some time away from her would do everyone some good. I think she needs to apologize to you for causing so much drama. She needs to grow up and get over herself.

If I understand correctly - she said that an abused child (physically, sexually, whatever) needs to "take responsibility" for what happened to them? That it's not entirely the adult's fault? REALLY? I would have hung up as well. I'm guessing there might be more to your feelings on this particular issue - although I completely think she's an idiot for having that opionion. That said, just be polite. Don't go out of your way to have anything to do with her. If family asks, tell them you just really don't have anything in common, and if they push the issue, tell them what you told us and let them deal with that. Just because you're related by blood, doesn't mean you have to have a close relationship. We CHOOSE our friends - we're stuck with family.

She doesn't deserve an apology other than "sorry I hung up on you", and her point of view deserves no respect. It's a ludicrous point of view. Just because someone HAS a point of view, doesn't mean it deserves respect.

What your sister said doesn't really matter. The issue here is that you don't agree on something and you are deeply hurt by her view.

Have you explained this to her? Have you called her up and said," when you said X, it makes me think this. I can't trust you because it puts into question....whatever happened, etc."

Sounds to me like the only solution is to tell her how her view makes you feel. Don't give her an apology, just try to explain your pain and hurt in a non-confrontational/judgmental way --using lots of I-statements.

There is something wrong with her. No sane or morally principled person would ever believe that innocent children are in any way responsible for being abused. She sounds like a sociopath. When people call and ask, tell them what she said to cause you to hang up. I don't blame you one bit for how you feel and what your stand is. They should be offended by what she said rather than the fact that you merely hung up the phone on her. That point of view cannot be respected. No way, no how.

I would write her a letter. Apologize for hanging up the phone, admit that that was a childish way of dealing with the situation. But let her know that no matter how you acted, you were highly offended by the topic and don't wish to discuss it with her anymore. You'd like her agree to keep away from that topic in the future. Then tell her how you value her as a sister and friend and want to stay close to her. Let her know that when she pushes her strongly offensive opinions on you it causes a breech in the relationship. If she wants to keep close, she needs to be respectful of you and not bring that stuff up. Then try to (with out condemning or with sarcasm, hatred) make a list of off limits topics for you two to discuss. Thank her for taking the time to read your letter and remind her that you love her and respect her right to a different opinion.

Hopefully that will make a difference!
Best wishes!

She obviously has strong opinions on things she knows nothing about. I think to keep the piece I would agree to disagree on this one. From not on I would only talk about the weather, food, clothes to keep it neutral.

I have a feeling that there is some background to this that you are not sharing with us...which is fine...but it sounds to me like someone, somewhere in your family has either abused or been abused. In that case, this is a subject that is going to be loaded with emotions and is a real minefield to try and negotiate!!!
I see two things that you might want to do to try to aleviate the hard feelings...or at least make things a bit more bearable at family gatherings.
#1 I would write her and apologize FOR HANGING UP ON HER....don't apologize for your feelings...you have a perfect right to them....but the hanging up was going to hurt her feelings. Tell her that you should have handled it differently and you are hoping that the subject that caused this problem can just be put in the "out of bounds subjects" box and not discussed again.
#2 If you do not feel that your children would be safe....for whatever reason....in her care...do not under any circumstances leave them with her or at her home. You areyour childrens advocate and protector...if your gut tells you that a certain situation is not safe for your children....it is your responsibility not to put them into that situation!!!
And I would refuse to discuss this with your other family members....don't let her drag you down to a level of gossiping or badmouthing her....just let her actions speak for themselves!!!

I would apologize for hanging up but certainly not for disagreeing with her. Be sure to inform her that you were just so upset that hanging up was the only reaction you could think of at the moment. Is she running around telling everyone that you are being a big baby over a difference of opinion? If so you need to deffend yourself and tell everyone exactly what got you so upset. I am willing to bet most, if not all of them will see your side in a better light.

Definitly tell her that her opinion really offended you and agree not to discuss this any furtner. This is not a matter of respect for your sister. You may have gone overboard by actually hanging up but it's better than saying something nasty you can't take back. That's where you would have crossed the respect line.

Good luck to you! It's never easy dealing with family in these situations...the have too much amo and can fight dirty :o)

it shouldn't be about your differing opinions. i would apologize for hanging up on her, that's it. and i would make sure that you BOTH understand that these subjects don't need to be brought up. i kind of get the idea that you change the subject each time, and she isn't really on the same page as you, as far as mutually respecting each others' opinions. maybe because you haven't talked to her about it, or maybe because she's being a tad stubborn. either way, yes, you need to talk to her. just remember nothing ever gets solved through anger. good luck!

I'd try to make peace, apologize for upsetting her etc. but definitely let her know that this is an area where you strongly disagree. Clearly, you cannot compromise on that but since she's your sister, you need to state your love and commitment to your relationship and try to make peace with her and not let this go any further. Families often have to agree to disagree and that isn't always easy.

Wow, I am sorry this happened! I would write her a heartfelt letter about how you feel and the situation and what you would like to see your relationship like. If you have anything to apologize for, I would do that-but mainly I would say what I want the relationship to look like and ask her if she is interested in that too. Is she willing to move forward and put the past behind you and then agree to disagree? Just because you don't agree, doesn't mean that you both aren't right or have to see the other's side. There needs to be mutual respect for eachother. As far as family members having a skewed vision of your life, most people realize that when others are fighting-its not all one-sided. There are two sides and there is always a middle ground where the truth lies. When they ask, simply tell them its a private matter between you two and you would like to work it out with your sister and only your sister. Best wishes and see what she says with the letter--- maybe it will give her a better perspective since you won't be face-to face.

M

Hanging up on her was childish, you should apologize for that. Something simple like "I am sorry I hung up on you, that was wrong of me".

She is entitled to her opinion and if it offends you, you have the right not to listen to it or agree with her. BTW, from what you posted I would take issue with it as well.

You should tell her that when the two of you have discussions you do expect your conversations to be between the two of you and not the whole family. Explain that you do not agree with her on this topic and, apparently, are so offended by it that listening to it impossible for you. While you respect her right to have her opinions, this is one that if off limits.

From your post and your strong reaction to this one, I suspect that either you or someone close to you has been abused so this is an emotionally loaded topic. If that is the case, I would guess that your sister knows this and could be sited as why you feel so strongly. On the other hand, if your sister knew, maybe she would have avoided this topic.

Wow, I thought you were talking about my sister! My sister has opinions and one dare not disagree or she misinterprets things and fights over them with people and destroys a lot of friendships. Sadly I have gotten to the point where she is so insistent that she is right that no matter what you do. I see a few people venturing to say that you were in an abused childhood and what I saw was your natural gut reaction to the statement and (it hurts me to hear things like that, too) and you decided enough already. I say wait it out a week, months, whatever kind of like some of us have to. It sounds like we aren't going to win with sisters or brothers or relatives like that, but because we wind up at family functions with them we are at least civil. Whether its your sister or not it's toxic and as I get older I feel less inclined to do exactly the same as you and I have been doing over the years (changing the subject) as it makes for stilted communications. I do not know how old she is, my sister is older probably and she will not change. And my sister hurt my feelings more than anyone on earth (and that is another story) when she did not go to my son's wedding. For both of us, it might not be better for awhile if at all, but civil is helpful. It really hurts only us.

Would she be open to counseling with you to learn how to get past your differences? Then maybe a professional could explain that is never anyones fault when they are abused...

I don't think hanging up was childish at all. Good Lord, what a statement. If I were you, I would really consider telling the family the topic that came up. It sounds as if she's bad mouthing you, which could ruin your reputation. And if others knew, or maybe just one other trusted relative/friend, they could help you mend things. Someone to act as a mediator.

Good luck. We had a family fight last summer and things still arent' the same. I 'solved' it by apologizing without expecting anythign in return. Which was fine....except comments and 'digs' are still thrown out there by my brother...who is apparently still thinking he is right (which is fine, I just suck it up). Wish he could just get over things. Thinking about it, it's 'sucking it up' that got us into the arguement in the first place. We only talk now for 5min at a time, and it took me 3months to get around to telling him we're expecting our 3rd child. I share this with you because maybe it'll help you decide which route to take.