How to Punish a Very Stubborn 2 Year Old

Not to be rude, but you almost sound like you are over-doing it... I would never resort to spankings. This just teaches your child that it is okay to hit later. So what do they do next when they are frustrated and they do not have the words to communicate this frustration to you - they hit you.

You have to keep in mind~ He is two. This is what comes with the territory. You also have to pick your battles.

Look at the history of any child that is constantly being disciplined and see what happens: They rebel... it's pretty much a natural occurrence as they feel trapped, oppressed, forced - you name it. I was a child that was continually disciplined in my life... I no longer keep in touch with my parents by my choice. They refused to listen, to talk to me or to hear me. And they made the same mistake with my youngest brother. He barely talks to my mom after a life of constant discipline.

How can you become more creative with discipline with a two year old? They do not have a full-attention span. They do not commit rules to memory.

I would suggest backing off on the constant stream of discipline as you are forcing your son to retaliate. I would. So would most of those I know. At this rate, your son could really care less as he just wants to explore his world and surroundings. Make it safe and let him go ~ better yet, join in on the fun!

Nothing makes a two year old (or any young child) more happy than to have Mommy or Daddy (or both) join into their world of play.

This is kind of late, but I wanted to chime in. It's so hard to know what's normal with our first babies! I agree with posters recommending that you focus on good behaviors. However, I do not agree that you should ignore him when he's disobeying you. You need to have consistent discipline, but it needs to be paired with reasonable expectations. The key is to find the right balance. It will depend on you and your child, and it will change as he grows up.

I am also raising two VERY strong-willed kiddos. One thing that we did with our kids that has helped all of them is teaching them to name their feelings. We started when our oldest was only a year old. By 18 months, she could tell me that she was MAD and needed to go to her room to scream!! First of all, help your son give a name to his feelings. Say something like "You are frustrated because you don't get candy. You are frustrated! You want the candy." You don't have to fix it. Just give him the words, and you will be surprised at how quickly he starts to "get it." Secondly, teach him that negative feelings are okay, but they have to be handled properly. We would say something like "You are MAD because it's time to put toys away. You want to keep playing. You are mad at Mommy. You want to keep playing. It's okay to feel mad. It is not okay to throw toys. Toys hurt. Ouch! No throwing. Toys go nicely into the box." While you are talking, demonstrate what your son should be doing. Show him how to put the toys nicely in the box. Yes, he already knows, but he still needs repetition. When our girls throw screaming tantrums, we will say something like "You are FRUSTRATED. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to cry, but your crying hurts my ears. If you need to cry, please cry in your room. You can come out when you are ready for a hug." Then we picked them up and took them to their rooms. Sometimes you just need to scream it out, you know what I mean?! If this kind of thing works for your, I would recommend "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. It really changed the way I look at my kids and helped us a lot.

The screaming is perfectly normal. I think it's a combination of frustration at not being able to express their needs, inability to control their feelings and unawareness of how loud they are. One thing you can do (when he's happy) is to play games with loud voices and quiet voices. We call them inside/outside voices. Practice using your outside voice and your inside voices. Talk about loud and quiet sounds. Explain how loud sounds hurt your ears when you're inside the house or car. I still have to remind my 5 year old that outside voices are for outside, but as he grows, he'll learn more control over his voice. Try to get him outside once a day. I tell my girls to get their screamies out, and they run around in circles hollering like crazy. It's a little embarassing, but they need to have a pressure release time/place.

Pushing and throwing *is* normal for his age, but he needs to know that it's not okay. We tell our girls "hands are not for throwing/hitting." Then we talk about all the things our hands are for. We can use them for hugging, for waving hello, for patting, for stroking, for backrubs, for cooking, for splashing, etc. Try re-directing him to do whatever you are talking about - pattycake, backrub, clapping...

A final thing that we did as our girls got older was to teach them some tools to calm themselves down. Starting around 2 years old, we taught them deep breaths. Show him how to breathe in through his nose and out through is mouth. We point to our noses when we breathe in, then to our mouths when we breathe out. Remind him to use his words, not his screams/fists/etc. We practice counting to ten. We show them how to walk away and calm themselves down, then bring them back, when they are arguing with each other. Give him the words to say until he learns them himself. It's not enough to stop the "bad" behavior; we have to teach our kids what we DO want them to do.

The key is finding logical consequences. If you write to me and give me some specific examples of what he is doing "wrong", I can give you some examples of what to do to counter that behavior. There isn't one magic thing that works for everything and every child, as you know. In general, though, when my 3 year old melts down at home because he isn't getting his way, I pick him up and plop him in his room and let him know he can come out when he stops screaming. I do not close the door, I just plop him on the floor and he is more than welcome to come out when he has calmed down.(Sometimes he calms down and stays in his room and plays-- which is fine with me) If he comes out and is still pitching a fit, I bring him back in and remind him he can come out when he is done yelling. This, by the way, is different from time out. This is just a way to get him to calm down, not a punishment. I don't go and get him and tell him he can come out now. It's all in HIS control when to come out, as long as he has composed himself and stopped yelling. This worked for my first born, too (who is now almost 12) back when he was a preschooler.

I have a 2.5 year old son that is strong willed and very active. Time outs didn't seem to change the behavior. Since my son is very verbal, I made a picture chart of what I expected of him..."The House Rules". They are simple...

** Be kind (I took pictures of him hugging his brother)
** Listen to Mommy & Daddy (I took a picture of his ear...then one with mommy and daddy giving him a big hug)
** Treat my toys with respect (I took a picture of him putting away his toys and playing nicely with his train table.)

We had lots of fun making the poster. I then put it on the fridge next to a big piece of paper. I bought some fun stickers at the dollar tree and every time I catch him doing these things I give him a sticker. At first I set a little timer in my pocket and worked to catch him being good at least 1 time an hour. We try to have lots of stickers on the paper at the end of the day. Then we can talk about how kind he is and how well he listens. Now we might only need a few stickers a day on easy day s:-)!!

It has helped me focus on the positive behavior and trying to teach. I feel like I was punishing and yelling too much at a two year old. It also make it easier for us to talk about what he did that put him in time out. He loves getting the stickers and when daddy get home from work he also wants to show him how many stickers he has.

I realize it is very external right now, but slowly I hope that he will internalize self control and we can move on :-)

I hope this helps. Remember that it is a day by day thing and they will learn that control as they grow in their ability to communicate. The more words my Aaron learns, the easier it is to explain and communicate expectation and appropriate behavior.

A.,

I also kinda want to say back off...just a lil'...he is still ity-bity and just wants to explore, play and learn...

As far as the throwing toys and pushing things around and screaming...it is ok. He can not yet express his anger or confusion and he is doing all he knows how to do. He will grow out of this phase and it will be ok!

I have a stubborn child. He was stubborn at 2 and he is stubborn at 4! He recently told me--while sitting inside the fort that he didn't want me to make but it was his Bros' surprise so I made it anyway--"This is not a good fort mom"...and then again hours later, in response to my question of if he was having a good time now, "this is still not a good fort and I don't like it"!! Stubborn kids are tricky but that's who they are and we gotta love all of them, not just the parts we like.

Your son will be fine. He wont grow up to be "uncontrollable" or "ill behaved". You sound like you just really want to be on top of things before they get out of hand and that is good just remember that he is still a baby!

If you are looking for a new tactic I suggest mis-direction...change of scenery...something like that. If he is getting frustrated with a toy, start playing next to him with another toy pretty soon he will be playing with that and all will be fine!

Just so you know my parenting style...I have no issue with "spankings" like some of the others...sometimes a swat on the butt is what is called for.

Sometimes its not easy being the Mommy!

I understand what you are going through! I have a 3 year old daughter who isn't phased by time outs or spanking. So when she is throwing a fit and I have already spanked her, then Iturn everything off and take her to her room and put her on her bed and tell her she is going to bed. Of course she is typically crying bc she doesn't want to go to bed but I am very firm with it and it works. Hope this helps!

He is only 2 years old and a part of his development. He is just exercising independence. Give and take some...it's a stage that will pass, but the more you pressure him, the more he is going to be defiant. Most boys seem to be that way anyway and doesn't like to listen.