How to Make Dad Understand That Son Isn't Him. Long

Tell your husband if he doesn't STOP what he's doing and LISTEN TO HIS CHILD, he will screw up the relationship. Dad is being selfish and insecure. Liking different things has nothing to do with loving dad - BUT if dad keeps pushing, son isn't going to like dad.

Did his own father do this kind of thing or was dad's dad totally not involved. See if you can figure that out.

Hopefully your hubby respects you as well and doesn't expect you to like things just because he does. If he's like this with you as well, that's a bigger issue.

Tell your husband that for his birthday you are going to buy him things that you like. 😊. Then remind him it is not his birthday but your son's.

Oh boy. You have to get a handle on this or your husband will never be accepting of your son. The teen years are going to be rough.

Please get your husband to go to counseling with you regarding this. You might think that I'm going overboard by saying it, but I'm really serious. Your son SEES that his dad doesn't approve. No matter how much you tell him that his daddy loves him, he will not feel it while your husband acts this way.

Your husband really needs help to adjust his attitude and his thinking. He is putting Superman and Starwars ahead of his own son. It's very wrong, R.. Stop at NOTHING to get him into family counseling with you.

You husband needs to grow the hell up. Sorry to be so blunt, but he is hurting your child and if that was my husband I would let him know point blank that he is hurting our son and that he needs to learn to be supportive and find the fun and joy in the things your son loves, or he needs to shut up. I spent years in sports I did not enjoy because it was the only time my father spent any time with me. I bent to who he was, and as a result he has never really gotten to know me for who I am, and as adults we are not close. Don't let your husband make those same mistakes with your son!

I agree with Doris Day that counseling for your family may be a good idea.

(PS, my son has also always been a button shirt/tie or nice polo type of guy, from the time he was 3 and I started letting him pick his own cloths. Kids def have a sense of style all their own, and that should be fostered) :)

I would turn this around for him. What is your husband's father like? Does your husband like everything his dad likes (or liked)? Did your husband's father try to force his own wants and needs on him or was he allowed to develop his own interests? Just ask him those questions and let him think on them.

Sometimes I just have to turn the tables on my husband and get him to *think* about what it would be like to be one of our kids and have a parent who is acting like him. For instance, when my oldest son was 5 we were celebrating our first holiday season as a married couple and his first with my son. He bought a working, small scale engine for them to build "together" that would actually run when complete. The age on this was something like 12+. He kept saying how much fun it would be for my son to watch him build it. Really? Because my husband was sure as heck not planning on letting a 5 year old actually help out. He really expected him to just sit there and watch my husband build *his* gift. I had to gently explain to my husband that that was really a gift for himself and not my son. It wasn't until I asked my husband to think about how it would feel to receive a gift and then be told that he can't touch it or play with it, but had to watch someone else have all the fun. Not much of a gift, right? He finally got it.

One thing that I've had to say to my husband repeatedly is that we're people, not accessories. We're not all just extras milling about in the wings waiting to play bit parts in the play that is his life. We all have our own scripts, our own plots, our own settings and our own casts of characters that are separate from his, even the kids, even as young as they are, and that are equally as valid.

Hopefully a good heart to heart will help him "get it" so that he doesn't continue to risk his relationship with your son. When one person in a relationship doesn't really recognize the personhood of the other, it creates distance and distrust. It's not too late to change that.

Remember that character from the goofy "Austin Powers" movies: "Mini-Me"? The pint-sized version of the villain? Your husband apparently doesn't want a new individual in the household; he wants a mini-me.

He's so clearly reliving his own childhood through his son -- and that's all the more obvious because the bones of contention here are a child's tastes: Superheroes, movie characters, sports choices. I note that you do not say dad did this with his daughter. Again, son equals mini-me in every way -- right gender, so he should have the "right" interests and tastes too, in dad's eyes.

Is your husband the kind who could possibly be made to see this? Or is he just unable to look at himself objectively? It sounds like you have tried to get him to see the issue here and to ramp back the "do what I would do" attitude and he isn't going for it.

Here's a suggestion: Does your husband have a male peer whom he respects and likes? An old friend; a brother; the karate coach if dad's friendly with him; someone who knows your son as well, and who is, to be frank, more self-aware than your husband is? Some guys (sorry but it does seem to happen with guys) need to hear from another guy that what they're doing is just not right. Your husband is so wrapped up in his mini-me view of your son that he's not hearing you, his wife, when you tell him this isn't working and is hurting your son. So it might mean you need to enlist that male friend to have that talk. It needs to be someone to whom YOU feel close enough that you are comfortable having a serious talk about this and asking him to intervene with your husband. And it needs to be a guy mature enough and discreet enough that he will not squeal on you and say "Your wife wanted me to say...."

Since many guys don't do well with the "let's sit down and have a big, emotional talk" thing, it might work best if Friend is at some event of Son's with your husband -- a karate meet or class would be perfect -- because then the opening is, "Your son is getting so good at karate and he really seems to love it -- it just clicks for him. Hey, I know you were all into having him do soccer because you like it, but isn't it great that he's found his own thing for now?" and so on.

Sorry if it sounds like stereotyping to say that many guys are not great at emotional sit-downs or need to hear certain things from male peers rather than from their wives. But I just find it's true a lot of the time. If your husband is like that, I'd try enlisting some help but it has to be a guy you can trust to handle it. Maybe a guy with a son older than yours, so he can talk about how his own son has established his interests.

I had to smile when I read your post, though. My daughter, 12, has been totally into ballet since she was four and now does it as a major activity; it's her life, outside school. I knew nothing about it when she began, but have learned so much in the past eight years, and have come to appreciate and enjoy it. So your husband might learn to appreciate the things his son does that aren't dad's personal "thing" -- if only dad could open his mind and really watch what son's doing, rather than thinking all the time, "Son should be doing X right now and not this Y stuff." Our kids really can introduce us to new worlds!

Oh man. I feel you. I think you are going to have to hurt Dad's feelings. We had this issue with my inlaws, constantly buying our eldest daughter clothes and toys that THEY liked, then being offended when she would not wear them or play with them. Even after us letting them know that she did not like dresses bc they were uncomfortable in preschool, etc.

First of all, I tried to explain that you can't be offended by a 6 year old. They have no intent to hurt you, and it's not the job of a 6 year old to validate the feelings of a grown up. Secondly, good manners and kindness dictate that when buying a gift for someone, you buy something that you imagine THEY will like.

But this is deeper than the gifts. It's about wanting to mold someone into your image of who you want them to be. My MIL always wanted a girly granddaughter. Dreamed of her and the fun they'd have. It was a process for her to let go of her need to try to make my sporty, funny, kooky lovebug girl into a "lady" at the age of 5 or 6. She had created this vision in her head of What It Will Be Like and the reality was not that, and she struggled to let it go. My husband reminded her that she was cheating herself out of all the fun she could be having with THIS child, the one who is here and who wants to paint pictures and swing rather than paint her fingernails. She has a grandchild who needs to be loved and validated exactly as she is, without being steered to things that only serve to validate the adult.
It's hard, because your husband means well, and clearly wants to bond with your son over the things he loves because those things obviously hold meaning for him. It's a harder thing to do to bond over the things YOUR SON loves, but not impossible. The memories he has of Superman cannot become your son's. But he as a father can create those same types of good memories and feelings for your son by meeting your son where HE is.
I wish you luck! It's not easy, but it is not impossible. Unfortunately, your husband's feelings simply have to take a back seat to your son's. Best wishes to you!

Does Dad have any brothers? If he did you can get him to think of ways they are different but still love each other and respect each other.
You can do the same with his father or a friend.

Patricia (below) is right. If H doesn't stop it, it will distroy his relationship.

Could there be some depression going on with H? maybe he vindicates himself through his son? Look up the signs of male depression.

The fact is that he is pushing his son away. I think it has gotten to the point that your son is rejecting this outside pressure by rejecting the sports and things associated with it. IE, he rejects basketball because he understands it means too much to your H. Never like anything for your child more than they do. He should love his child first and foremost, more than a movie or a sport. H is being very shortsighted.

Your child is only 6ish, right? Running is very good for soccer or basketball. If he learns to run fast, he could have plenty of time to switch to those and apply his running skills, IF H doesn't ruin them for him.

You sound pretty strong minded. Keep it up. Help H to see how wonderful kid is just like he wants to be!

Sigh...I had to do a little of this with my husband. My stepson took karate for about 7 years - about 5 years too many (I was only around for the last 2). Yes he was interested at first but then he went b/c my husband made him - he started to hate it. He wasn't advancing anymore b/c he wouldn't practice so husband just spent more $ on equipment for the home that sat there, unused. I finally had to say to him, "Is it M's dream to become a black belt or yours? And, honestly, at this rate, do you really see it ever happening?" He finally admitted it was his dream and that yes, we were wasting time and money on a failing effort. Like I said, took me 2 years to get through to him! You need to have a real heart-to-heart with husband. I would take him out to dinner sans kiddos. Be gentle but direct! Tell him that his son loves him, looks just like him, loves guitar like him but that's the end of the similarities and it's something he has to accept or risk driving your son away. It will only intensify as he gets older. Instead of husband being upset that son doesn't like Superman, he should be happy that he likes Spiderman and Iron Man. They should do "super hero" stuff together (there are conventions and what not) and they can have fun debates over who is the better/stronger super hero! Same with Star Wars - see if son might like the newer Clone Wars stuff or the Lego Star Wars stuff. They can discuss/debate similarities/differences. He should also emphasize their one shared passion - the guitar. Maybe son's room could be guitar-themed? Maybe they should buy an old turntable and listen to amazing guitar riffs from back in the day. You get the point. There's lots of room here for compromise. If husband won't compromise, then son won't share anything with him and that's a loss your husband will surely feel one day. Also, keep pointing out to husband that him buying gifts that son doesn't really enjoy is a complete waste of money and a budget buster. How pointless. Don't give up - husbands can be stubborn for awhile but they usually get there!

Tell him it's like food. If you order pizza, do you all want pepperoni? No? But do you all like pizza? Yes?

So his son prefers other superheros. Stop the press!

I would also ask, "So I noticed that you really love Superman and wish that DS loved him as much. And you seem to take this to heart. Why is that?" And really listen. Be kind. Maybe he identifies with Superman and his son's preference for Spidey is somewhat personal.

I would also point out other things that are similar. Maybe what they like to wear or how they sleep or how they laugh. Point out differences with you and DD. If he feels you have a mini me and he doesn't, does that bother him?

I'd also talk to him about how people have different strengths and gifts. What are your son's? How can you as parents support him? I have ZERO interest in wrestling, but I was at matches - for SS. Because SS is important to me. I've seen about 30 HS plays because it was important to SD. And my house is covered in dinosaurs and science kits because that is what DD is into. Is it my thing? Not always. My SS went Poli Sci in college and politics makes me stabby. But I appreciate that he found something he loves.

Ask if your FIL pushed DH to be a certain type of boy. And ask DH if he understands that fighting who your son is erodes the bond he has with his kid. You know he loves his son. But can he love him and still let him do karate? Does he understand that it hurts? Would he listen if his son talked to him from the heart? Would that be a conversation you'd mediate?

Does your DH buy gifts that he wants for anyone other than DS? And is there another child (nephew? friend?) that might like those gifts instead?

I would ask/tell him (I have a few), who's birthday is it, or and what would you like for your birthday, or I'll keep that in mind when your birthday comes around, or no seriously, what should we get for DS?

While your worried about your husbands feelings, your husband is not concerned at all with DS's feelings. At some point he [Dad] has to realize, this is not about him.

OMG...hats off to H Looloo for the #1 answer of the day.

Your husband is a grown man. If you hurt his feelings, so be it.

Lay it on the the line bluntly - your son is not you. He has his own interests. Stop pushing him to share yours. Don't humor him by making your son do things to appease his dad.

If your husband still can't get over himself, then I suggest he see a therapist to figure out what his problem is, and to learn to be a better father.

Your husband sounds like a sweet guy ... but maybe a teensy bit immature?

One tactful way of delivering the message might be to say, "Everyone wants their kids to like the things they like. It's totally normal. But the latest research says kids really need to be supported in developing their own interests; it's part of forming a strong, positive identity.

There are a couple of "white lies" in that. *Everyone* does not have that desire, and the research isn't especially new at all. But I come from school of thought that it's better to deliver a message tactfully, and have the person really learn from it, than to tell the whole truth, straight up, and have the person get defensive and reject the whole thing.

Hi, R.:

Your husband is stuck in a time warp.

You are going to tell him anything, except: Stop buying clothes
for the child.

Your husbands needs were unmet as a child and he's trying to live his life through the son.

Have you thought about establishing the marital relationship as the strength of the family vs his over indulgence with his son.

Good Luck.
D.

Just keep telling your husband over and over your son is not you. Your son has different likes from you and that is ok. You did not turn out the same as your father and he will not turn out the same as you. You need to accept he likes iron man and spider man better. You need to accept he does not like the sports you like. You need to support him in the stuff he does like. Stop being so stubborn. Stop trying to turn your son into you...you are driving all of us crazy. Just keep flat out telling him over and over and over. Our kids are not mini versions of us! Don't worry so much about hurting dad's feelings...obviously he is kind of bone headed about it. Be direct (you can still say it kindly of course!).

I think you just need to be straight up with your husband. Tell him that his son's not him and that he is upsetting his son by his insistence. If they share one thing together (guitar), that's plenty. Just be firm.

Updated

I think you just need to be straight up with your husband. Tell him that his son's not him and that he is upsetting his son by his insistence. If they share one thing together (guitar), that's plenty. Just be firm.

Tough one.

Perhaps you and you husband and son can sit down and talk this out. Perhaps hearing it from your son directly will shake DH out of the "mini me" obsession.

Also you may want to suggest Father/Son weekends. Once a month Dad chooses something to "geek out" about with son, then Son chooses the next month. Maybe even do it every weekend. Maybe you can talk to your son and see if he's willing to stick with one of "dad's" sports if dad was willing to be the one to take him to karate/track and STAY during the lessons/practice. Maybe if your DH sees how well your son does he'll get over it.

As for Superman/Spiderman, be glad they both like comics. That's their common ground. Maybe look into comic conventions once a year the boys go together and really do it up. Costumes and everything. A local comic shop? The boys go shopping on their Father/Son day.

Learning to find a place in our loved ones passions and hobbies is a very grown-up ability. We learn how to enjoy aspects of other's hobbies even if we aren't all that into the hobby ourselves. My husband likes "Xbox" games, I don't, but I do like watching him play. We can be together without forcing each other "do" the same things the other is doing. There's other things that I'm not "in to" that I've found a way to be a part of and sometimes I just suck it up and join because I know he loves it when I do. Usually, while it's still not my "thing" I do enjoy myself.

I hope this was helpful.