How to Lessen the Sting of Rejection for Me and My Son???

You might not want to hear it but an 8 yr old really doesn't have a lot in common with a 4 yr old. Even a 6 yr old is pushing it. You can't expect your nephews to put their lives on hold just because you and your children are there to watch them. It's their house and they are use to their rouine.

I'd say that you need to find a balance. Have a set amount of time where their friend can come over to play; like 2 hrs. Have a set time when they can go over to their friend's house. Your son should not be going along on their play dates at someone else's house.

As far as your dream of moving into town and having everyone play together happily every after, well that may or may not happen. A lot of getting along with people hinges on personality. I grew up with 16 cousins and I was only really friends with 2.

So your son is 4 ish? My almost 4 year old always wants to play with his big brother (7) and his bf (6). If they are all outside at my house, they all play, and they play nice or there is hell to pay! But, once it is taken to the bf's house, I cannot expect the parents to watch my little guy. It doesn't seem like it, but there really is a big difference playing games or skill levels with activities (bike riding, ect) and even supervision techniques between a 6/8 year old and a 4 year old.

As for lessening the sting? Make sure do fun things with him that the older kids will 'miss' out on. Things that might bring the older kids home if they want to participate. Movie time with popcorn, making cookies/cakes/brownies. Special treats (when the older kids complain they didn't get a popcycle you can say, "well, he was here all by himself while you were out NOT playing with him."

It hurts, I know, but some together time (and how to be a good friend during the together time) and some apart time is actually a good comprimise and a good teaching moment as to why the older kids get to do somethings that the younger kids cannot.

Edit: I do agree with PR&S that maybe the rule while you are visiting should be "All or none". I also think that maybe the other family should be more proactive. I know when my son's bf has cousins over, I make my son go ask if they can ALL play or if it is just family time, but he may not leave anyone out.

I agree with the posters who say that you should not expect the older kids to always want to play with the younger one and you should not blame them for wanting to play with their same-age friend. This is normal kid behavior. I also don't see anything wrong with allowing the older boys to have sleepovers with their friend while you are babysitting for an extended period of time, though it is reasonable for you to reserve some time each day for just family time.

What is inappropriate, however, is any meanness toward your son, including simply abandoning him - that should be addressed directly. Perhaps you can have a conversation with the older ones about how, if they want to play with their other friend, they need to ask you first and they cannot allow that friend to be mean to their cousin. If they do not want to play with your son, they should tell you so you can find a way to distract your son with other activities. You also could try explaining to your son that sometimes older kids want to play with older kids, so you and he can find something else for him to do. Maybe there are special activities you could reserve for those times?

I know it is tough on your little guy, and that hurts you, too, but kids need to learn how to deal with disappointment. We can't protect them from every hurt. Forcing his cousins to play with him will only build resentment, not love or friendship.

Best of luck -

I can understand it's hard when our kids are rejected, I feel it too, but it's not fair for you to expect much older kids to play with (aka babysit, because that's what it feels like to them) your son.
Honestly, if my daughter brought home two of her friends and a much younger cousin, I would have done the same that dad did here. I would not want to be responsible for a young child in my house that I don't know very well.
Either tell the friend nicely, that for the rest of the "vacation" you are going to have family time and he is welcome to come back when your sister and her husband are back or occupy your little one another way, while the big boys play. Both is an acceptable solution.
Good luck.

We don't usually allow the neighbor kids over when my kids' cousins are here visiting. If the kids start fighting while cousins are here with a neighbor kid is over, the neighbor goes home with an invite to come back some other day. My kids aren't allowed to go to neighbor's houses when cousins (or other guests) are here either, unless its one of those preplanned things.

So if I were you, I'd cut my visits short if the neighbor is over, and/or tell your sister to give the neighbor kid (and her own kids) warning that he can't come over to play when the younger cousin is over.
Best wishes, that's a tough situation.

We have a policy that there are no neighbor kids when we have family gatherings. It cuts down on all this stuff.
There are exceptions. My nephew came and stayed with me for several days and we invited a neighbor kid (whose mom and I are really good friends) to go to the river to fish and swim. They got along so great that I ended up having the neighbor boy spend the night.
When we're at my sister's house, a million kids will come over and my nephew tells them he can't play because he wants to spend time with his cousin.
It's not nice to have family over and ignore them. If a neighbor kid causes a problem between the cousins, the neighbor goes home.
You are the adult. You are in charge. I'm sure your sister told her kids that when you are there watching them, they are to go by what you tell them.
The cousins have that neighbor kid 7 days a week so they will live if they don't hang out with him every waking minute.
I understand corraling 7 kids can be a challenge but that's exactly why you need to put the kibosh on external influences that aren't positive.
Neighbor kids dad had no problem bringing your son home. I don't think you should second guess yourself or have a problem telling the neighbor boy that he needs to go home.
Get the kids some water balloons. Let them run through the sprinkler. Get a cheap badminton set or something for them all to play together.
There's all kinds of things the kids can do together to have fun and get along.
Things will get easier once you take the negative out of the equation.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

Simple: stop having this kid over when you are in charge. If we had cousins over visiting, and the neighborhood kids showed up to play, I tell them, "I am sorry, we have family visiting this week, the kids cannot play, come on by next week." You are in charge, you make the rules. And truly, 3 is a crowd. I see this all the time with our neighbor kid- he and my son get along fine but as soon as there are 3 of them, that is when the bickering starts, the ditching or ganging up, not being able to agree on games, etc. And that is when it is time for the kids to take a break from each other.
I promise, the kids are not going to resent you. Instead, they will actually probably have more fun because they won't be dealing with these problems all week. They can just enjoy each other.
And yes, it gets easier. Just put your foot down and send the kid home :)

I agree with limiting the time the boys get to go to a friend's house, since you are there visiting, and also agree that sending a 4 year old to play at someone else's house without an invitation is too much.

I encourage to talk to them again if you feel like you didn't say what you wanted or want to ask more questions -- sit down around a table for a family meeting and say I want to address this again because it's a big deal. And absolutely get them talking about what they think -- enlist their help in solving the issue. How can we make sure your small cousin doesn't get left out?

Remember too in your fantasy about being in the same town, cousins are likely to treat each other like siblings instead of friends, and sometimes they fight or disagree or ignore or tease or worse. I know that was true for my cousins who grew up near each other.

I'd tell the neighbor kid that while you are visiting - he is not allowed over to play - PERIOD. He has their time all year and this time is for family. Then to nip any behavioral problems with your nephews in the bud - tell them if they don't appreciate family time more - you will not be coming back - and let your sister know it too.

All that is beyond rude... both from your nephews and your sister not being more strict about no friends while family is visiting.

For the rest of the time you are there that neighbor boy is unwelcomed and so your nephew cannot go to see him. His family is screwed up too. Take your kids someplace without that boy and tell him he cannot come because he makes trouble between member of your family. And if Papa come to talk with you don't back down. Tell him to learn manner and teach them to his son.
When you move to the town. Move far enough away so that your nephews once they are at your house cannot go home to see or get the other kid.
Set the limits and you will be happier.
As for the sleep over you should not have allowed it.

I have the same situation with my 5 year old son and my sister's son who is 7. The cousin will play with my son when nobody is around and ignore him when other kids are there. It is very hurtful. I explain to my son that it is not him but that kids naturally want to play with OLDER kids.
That being said, since you are there all week, the cousins have to make time to play with your son and the friend can not come over every minute of every day.

That's a tough one. I understand that your son would not be invited to stay at the other boy's house, he isn't their friend, the parents don't know him, plus I understand if that kid is 8, that he does not want to play with a 4 or 5 year old.. Your sister's kids are trying to continue on with their normal life, which includes playing with friends. Your son thinks that going to their house means he'll have built in playmates. You may need to talk with your sister about a solution. It may be that you have to stop watching the kids at her house, it may be that she needs not to have this boy at her house when you are there, or there may need to be a compromise. If you're there just overnight, it's fine for the big boys (or at least the one closer to your son's age) to skip a day of being with friends. You are, after all, doing a favor. If you're there for a longer period of time, you may need to set the rule that if a friend comes over, your son cannot be excluded and give the nephews certain times that they CAN go see the friend, such as they can go to his house after dinner for a sleepover.
It's a tough situation because your son is sort of their guest, but they didn't ask for him to be there. But you are doing your sister a favor and your son didn't ask to be there either. I think you and sister need to find a compromise and it needs to be made clear to the boys, whatever it is, so that the older ones know how much time they can spend with friends when you are there, and your son should understand that the big boys sometimes want time on their own and with their friends.
I would not assume that if you move to your sister's town, that your kids will be best friends and hang out together all the time. Your sister already has a life there, and her kids have their own life and their own friends. If your son is 4 or 5, he probably won't be best friends with his new sibling either, kids who are 4 and 9 don't necessarily play the same things or the same way. They would each have age appropriate friends. My kids are four years apart and when they were young, each kid knew that if the other was having a playdate, it was that kid's time with their friend, I never required the older one to include the younger one.

You are the adult in charge. Tell the children they can not play at the other kids house and have a sleepover. You are watching them, they need to all play together and be nice to eachother. I wouldn't let the kids leave your kid out---out of fear of resentment if you don't do what they want??? Be the adult and show them the right way---its not ok to leave others out and to bully! GL

M

Be happy there's another built-in best friend on the way for your son (your new baby)!

What you did/said to the boys is natural; you're only human and it's your child's self-esteem at risk. -But the age gap is just too big. It really is. And if it wasn't, then the gap between personalities is too big. (But it won't matter when it comes to the baby sister or brother, because they'll build a bond solidified by constant companionship.)

Your son is learning that he won't always fit in, and that's an extremely important lesson for him. Try to downplay it, and try to help him understand why it's happening... especially that it's not his fault.

Continue caring.

I really don't think it's a good idea for a child to play with kids that don't want to play with him. Yes, it hurts a lot to feel rejected. The thing is you have to help your little guy understand that they aren't rejecting him because of him, they are rejecting him because they can't identify with him and will be playing and discussing things that are meant for older boys. Chances are he will be doing the same thing when his future sibling is a toddler. Help your son learn how to play alone and with you. Another reason it's not a good idea for a child to try to play with kids that don't want to be botthered, is that they will pick on him or try to get him to do stuff he can't like climb trees. Being made fun of hurts even more than being rejected. When the father brought him back, something may have happened that you weren't aware of. Maybe he grabbed a favorite toy and wouldn't give it back, which is normal 3 yr. old behavior. You might want to find a friend for him that's the same age.

6 and 8 yr olds dont know better kids just want to play with the regular circle ofm friend maybe talk to there parents when your there but if it were me i wouldnt go back and baby sit all those kids it to much esp pergrant