How to Keep Boundaries with Mom Who Is a Hoarder

Updated on April 30, 2015
K.S. asks from Littleton, CO
27 answers

Hi all, I'm feeling sad and frustrated, and I'm hoping you all will provide some perspective. My mom is a hoarder, has been for 20 years or so- though it's getting worse all the time. I remember growing up that she was a packrat and kept all of our stuff, but the house was clean enough, the basement was pretty full, but not awful. Once we all left for college, got married, and had our own lives, it pretty much exploded. Currently, every room in my parents home is full of stuff, like can't walk in the rooms full. There is a path from the front door through the kitchen, but it is narrower every time we're there. It's been a learning process from the start as we didn't know 20 years ago what hoarding was. There are four of us kids, two here in Denver, and two back east. Over these years, we have tried everything- we tried 'surprising' her by cleaning out a room (which we later learned is a big mistake), we tried making it a big family even over weekends (sisters even traveled out to help) which didn't work AT ALL. We have paid for an organizer, who was great, but mom later decided she hated. She has canceled on numerous other organizers. We've offered to pay for counseling, and she won't go.

We realize now, after reading books and talking to experts, that we can't do this for her and we can't make her want to change. We have sadly recognized that things will only change if a) they pass away and we clean out after, or b) a medical crisis requires an ambulance to come to the house (my dad has heart problems, and we know that there is no way that a gurney could fit in the house- no idea how they will get him out, which we have pointed out to the parents) and the paramedics report the state of the house to the authorities, which is likely. Until then, we all feel like terrible children and are so upset that they live like this. I will clarify, she is not the kind of hoarder who keeps animals, trash, or rotting food. It's all papers, magazines, and just 'stuff.'

So my question. My mom does not have a mean bone in her body, but just like an addict, this hoarding has made her become manipulative. My brother has stated that he doesn't want his young daughter over there, and when my mom babysits she goes to his house. But sometimes if she knows that my brother really needs the babysitting, she will tell him after he's left that she had to bring his daughter to her house for some reason (she says she wants the grandkids in her home). And as for me, she constantly has her siblings from out of state come to visit. She will call me a few days before and give me some BS reason that she was planning on having a room clean for them but blah blah blah and she needs them to stay with me. If I say no, she cries and makes me feel guilty. So I have a rotating stream of relatives that stay at my house. I feel like, as with an addict, I am enabling her by letting people stay here. We all know why they can't stay there, and it's not fair that she tells us her house is not a problem, but she can't even have a visitor! At the same time, I feel like a jackass to my aunts and uncles if I say no one can stay here. I have a decent size house that could easily host them. I don't enjoy feeding and carting these relatives around, but it's more about the principle that by doing this she is making her problem my problem.

So should I just let people stay here, knowing we have all thrown our hands up about mom's house? Or should I keep holding my ground and try to keep this boundary that is harder on me than anyone else. I'm so tired of being at my wit's end about this. I really do feel like I'm watching an addict, watching her destruct before my eyes and desperately wishing there was something I could do. Help! Thanks in advance...

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So What Happened?

I want to thank everyone so far for the thoughtful and insightful responses. I guess I am still learning how to deal with this, and stumbling through the best I can. I appreciate the advice, resources, and personal stories that you have shared, and hope to keep hearing more! It is helping me more than you can know. Thank you.

Featured Answers

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L.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Prozac. Seriously. She can't help it and it really is in her brain. Hoarding is related to OCD. Find a way to treat the depression, anxiety and OCD and then you might have a chance to improve her house situation. Medication and cognitive behavioral therapy. I am really sorry you are dealing with this.

8 moms found this helpful

C.V.

answers from Columbia on

There's already a ton of good advice here. Perhaps when she asks for someone to say with you, you could say, "No, mom, they can't stay here. But I'd be happy to clean out the guest room so they can stay with you. Wouldn't it be nice to have a guest room?"

Who knows, she might bite.

7 moms found this helpful

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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

Your home is not a motel that Mom can send the relatives to because her house isn't fit for guests.
Tell your aunts and uncles that you love them dearly, but can't host them anymore when they come to visit Mom, and that they must bear that in mind when accepting invitations from her.
Tell your mom that you will no longer provide overflow hosting for family members that SHE invites to HER house.
Is she going to cry? Most likely. Is she going to try to guilt trip you with, " But they're FAMILY!" Probably.
You aren't doing her any favors by taking up her slack. She has no desire to change, and you can't make her. Refusing to host is not likely going to give her an epiphany and make her clean out her house. What it WILL do is take the responsibility for the consequences of HER hoarding off of YOUR shoulders.

12 moms found this helpful

L.A.

answers from Austin on

Yes, I hear you. One of my grandmother is also a hoarder.. It is scary.

She is now 92 and like your mom, there is a trail from the front door to the kitchen then a trail to her bedroom and her packed bathroom.

It is a fire hazard.

My Aunt that lives right next door to her mom, has just allowed it to stay this way, even though Grandmothers doctor told her grandmother needs to be moved to assisted living because her house is not safe. My Aunt lied to him and told him she had cleared it out.

Recently an ambulance was called and when the firefighters arrived before the ambulance they saw this mess.

They photographed it and documented the situation and then reported it to the Police. My Aunt was contacted by eldercare and told she had 1 week to clear it out. they gave her the names and numbers of services that would go to the home to guide this.

My mom recently visited and said a little had been cleared, but not nearly enough.. We are hoping there will be a follow up.

We as a family are trying to organize a clean up.. It will be very difficult for my Aunt and my Grandmother, but it is just too dangerous. It is too late for my grandmother to be helped, but not to late for your mom. She is suffering with a mental illness. She cannot control this. IF there is any way to get professional help for it, do it. Call her doctor and let her know what is going on. Call some authority and report the living conditions, explain this is a health and safety issue.

I also agree, you have no obligation to be the family hotel. Everyone is enaballing her instead of finding the help she needs.

11 moms found this helpful
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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

I know this sounds mean but call the Health Department and the Fire Inspector. Explain the situation and ask them to inspect the house. They can condemn the home as unlivable and tell your mom she has so many days to clear out the junk or be forcibly removed from the home.
What you don't see is vermin who live in the mess. She could have roaches, rats and mice living in that mess and no one would even know it. Not to mention if it ever catches fire it would burn out of control and chances are the firemen would not be able to get in to save your mom's or dad's lives.
Neither inspector is allowed to tell your mom who called them to inspect.

10 moms found this helpful
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J.K.

answers from Wausau on

You already know the answer. You're not a hotel. I suggest the next time your mom tries to guilt you, you give her the number to a hotel she can book for her visitors. If your aunts & uncles are reasonable people, I think it would be good to talk to them. Discuss your mom's hoarding and her manipulation. Tell them you have to put a stop to it, not because you don't care about them but because it is what you have to do in regards to your mom. I bet your mom tells them that you're happy to have them and they don't know you didn't extend the invitation.

As for your brother, he needs to make different childcare arrangements. Millions of people never call on a parent for childcare and he doesn't need to do it either. It might be more convenient or less costly in dollars to ask her, but it still comes at a steep price.

Manipulation is an insidious form of meanness, so your mother certainly does have a 'mean bone'. Don't sugar coat the situation, it needs to be stripped bald so you have the courage to handle it.

9 moms found this helpful

J.P.

answers from Lakeland on

Do you think she would accept help from professionals?

Here is a website that you can find doctors and clean up crews all over the country. You do not need to be on TV even thought the shows are advertised.

http://hoardingcleanup.com/

Please get your mother some help and please be supportive of her during the process. Its so important for most to have the help and understanding of family and friends.

6 moms found this helpful
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O.O.

answers from Los Angeles on

You know this is and anxiety/OCD mental illness.
Your mom needs a psychiatrist.
An organizer isn't going to help is she doesn't work on her anxiety/OCD. It's a bandaid so you all feel better, but it's not a real fix.
You know she will never have a room cleaned out for guests. Ever.
Either open your home or send them to a hotel.
Or tell your mom VERY clearly that you will no longer accommodate her overflow. And draw that line.vand tell her to stop inviting people until she can host them.

I think, as with any family addiction, you have to decide whether you're going to force her hand or continue to stumble along. Either way is fine for you.

But what about your dad? What if, God forbid, EMS cannot reach him in time or get him to a hospital in the event of a crisis?
How would you all feel then?
Call the city/town code enforcement and tell them you're afraid your dads house is not accessible and in possible violation of safety codes.
They WILL take action.
And they can be the bad guys.
You're not a professional and you can't fix your mom nor is it your job to do so. They can make sure the house is up to code and safe for habitation.
That really is the least you can do--for their own safety.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

I think your brother needs to call her on it when she gets manipulative. "Mom, your house is unsafe for you, let alone my child. I cannot risk her safety. I would be happy to support you getting professional help to deal with the problem and one day be able to have her in your home." If she can't babysit in his home, she can't babysit. If she laments that the grandkids don't visit, tell her that she needs to get help.

As for her siblings, I bet they know there's a problem, but you don't have to be her hotel. You can say, "Here is the number for the Ramada. I can't accommodate extra guests."

Hoarding is not fun, for the hoarder or the family. I really sympathize. My DD cannot stay overnight with my mother, either, though she can visit (some of the house is better than the rest, but the guest room is impossible).

You might need to have a sitdown with the aunts and uncles to explain that it's not about them. That your mom has an untreated hoarding problem and you feel like if you accommodate them for her, she has no motivation to change. It might feel like airing dirty laundry, but if the plain truth is just that - that you don't want to host her guests and it's not that you hate *them* then might as well say so. Maybe they can convince her to get the therapy and help she needs to get through the underlying problem.

Yes, your mom might cry, but I bet $100 you've cried about this, too. You may also want to seek counseling from someone who knows about hoarding, much like people go to Al-anon when their family member is in AA.

You may also weigh whether or not it would be beneficial to call some sort of elder care or senior services, much like people would call CPS if they knew a child lived there. Your father's health is at risk. Would she rather the authorities come in and take charge or have some say in the situation?

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

You can hold your ground and tell them to stay elsewhere. But it's not going to stop your mom from being a hoarder. So, think about what will help you keep your sanity. As I see it, your options are these:

1) take the hard line, proactively contact your relatives and say what you all know is true: mom invited them, but they won't be able to stay with her. Unfortunately, they can't stay with you either, so here is the contact information for a nearby inexpensive hotel.

2) If it's the carting around that drives you crazy, but you don't mind them staying, then tell them that you are happy to have them at your house, but you have other commitments and you'll need for them to get a rental car. You'll give them a house key so that they can come and go as they please, but that you won't be around much.

3) If it's the food, then do a version of #2. They are welcome to stay, but you won't be around much so they should plan to meet your mom at restaurants for most meals. If they want to have breakfast at your house, they are welcome to help themselves to the coffee pot and the cereal in the cupboard. But otherwise, they should plan to eat out.

If I were your brother, I would have stopped asking her to babysit long ago. Safety of the kids trumps hurt feelings. But that's your brother's decision, not yours.

4 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

This is a complex mental health issue, and as you note, if you just go in and clean out, it creates even more anxiety that what is supposedly relieved by the hoarding. So you and your siblings (and your father) cannot fix this - your mother would have to willingly undergo serious and targeted counseling.

That said, your mother cannot make you feel guilty. That's something YOU are doing to yourself. She can't make you feel guilty or inferior without your permission and participation. I know you feel helpless about not being able to help her, and I know you are concerned for your father's safety. But housing visiting relatives doesn't solve that.

You have to say "no", say you're sorry you cannot be her designated hotel, and it's up to the aunts, uncles, cousins and friends to either find a hotel or decline your mother's invitations. If you choose to invite people on your schedule, that's another matter. But all you are doing is enabling your mother to deny the severity of her problem. She's trying to make her problem your problem, but the only one who can make it so is you, by saying "yes". Say "no", and if she persists, tell her the decision is made and the conversation is over. Say, "I'll talk to you another time, Mom. Love you. Bye!"

And I think the family has to put their collective food down about letting kids over there. It's a fire trap AND your father has heart trouble? If she wants to go to counseling, you can agree to participate. You can't control her - all you can control is yourself. As difficult as this is, your best defense is a good backbone.

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D..

answers from Miami on

Oh wow. I have to say that I think your visitors are just as bad as your mother in manipulating you to provide them a free place to stay.

I'm sorry, but I'd call them up and say "I understand that Mom invited you again and offered up my house for you to stay in, again. I'm sorry. This is just not working for me and you will need to find somewhere else to stay." They know that they are on your "gravy train". It's ridiculous that you have a revolving door of guests pushed on you. Get your backbone up and say no.

My mom had a friend who was a hoarder. She boarded her dog when she went into the hospital - totally refused for her sister to take the dog home because she didn't like her sister's husband... and then she died. It cost $3000, YES - $3000 to get the dog out of the kennel. This woman KNEW how much it cost to kennel the dog. She knew how long she had been in the hospital. She was of sound mind until the day she died. Her sister was too compliant and wouldn't ignore her sister's "orders". That poor woman had to pay out of her own pocket to get the dog because she didn't understand that it wasn't her own debt. There was no money to speak of in the woman's estate.

Having gone in that house and tried to help the sister clean it when I was in town, I want to tell you this. Go in that house NOW and find important papers and take them with you. Find the past 3 years tax returns. Find bank statements, brokerage statements. Find social security cards, medicare cards, burial insurance, drivers licenses, life insurance, car insurance, car titles, last will and testament, credit card statements, etc etc etc. Take them out of the house, no matter what kind of protestations you get. You cannot bury your parents without this information, and since the house is so terrible, you can't wait until they die to find this stuff. Go in and just DO IT. Make copies and give your mother back the copies.

Honestly, your brother shouldn't be letting her babysit. She can come over and spend time when they are there. He should just be paying for a babysitter.

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M.H.

answers from Dallas on

Oh, I really know how much OCD truly sucks. I've been on the end of cleaning out the house after she passed away too, and it took *weeks* of solid work for several adult offspring. And the actual transportation of that much stuff to donate or dump was a logistical nightmare.

I can just tell you from my experience that I wish I would have tried harder to get her psychological help. I wish I would have made and then gone with her to a couple psychologist appointments. I wish I would have read every self-help book on the subject. She must have felt so buried under the weight of all that cr*p.

But I wouldn't blame you a bit for giving up, either. :( It's just so hard.

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M.P.

answers from Asheville on

I think you are doing the right thing. Set boundaries and stick to them. Explain to the family members that it's not anything personal to them, it's a larger issue. They will understand. I'm sure they already know there's a bigger problem here.

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E.B.

answers from Beaumont on

I agree with Letty. She really needs meds to get this compulsive behavior under control. Is there someone she would listen to about this? Usually there is a friend or someone who can encourage them toward this. Once she has some stabilization, I think she'd be more open to therapy.
Hold your ground. No housing people for her. Please don't feel guilty about this. She is not healthy and it's spilling into your world.

3 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

She's making your house into a hotel.
You decide if/when you want guests - your Mom doesn't get a say about storing guests in your home.

Is her home a fire hazard?
Would the health department condemn it?
Consider reporting her.

I'd have a real hard time watching someone I love go through this.
I might have to say
"Mom - you have a sickness and need some professional help.
I am not qualified to deal with this.
You've got to admit you have a problem and then want to DO SOMETHING to get better.
Until you do this, see a psychiatrist on a regular basis and get your house in order, I will not be having any contact with you.
It's just too painful to see you like this.".

The ball will be in her court.

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L.Z.

answers from Seattle on

This is a tricky one. I feel for you. On the one hand, it's nice to be able to see your relatives and host them, but it would also drive me crazy when it's so often. Can you give your mom a limit and say your schedule doesn't permit more than 3 visits a year. Seriously, it's a lot of work to accommodate family in your home and your mother is getting off easy by not having to do this herself. I understand the mental illness aspects of the disorder, but I also think a lot of it comes down to "what is easy". It's easy to let the clutter build up and not do anything about it. It's easy when your daughter takes over as hostess. If she wanted them to stay with her, she'd make it happen. Tell her you can only do X amount of hosting times a year and make sure they are on your schedule. I'd hate to say no to family, so maybe this is a way to find balance.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

I feel for you. Reading through your question, I can feel the weight of this on your shoulders and how badly you feel.

My husband is a bit of an enabler with my MIL. She isn't a hoarder, but she's manipulative and has so many issues - dating back to her childhood. I find it draining. Unlike a hoarder where there are physical things, my MIL has all this baggage that gets in the way of everything - and it affects every relationship. It's weird but us "kids" are the ones who see it, and are bothered by it - kind of like you and your siblings.

I've heard interventions are really the only way to go. I know you've had the organizers come in - and while I think that's a temporary solution, it won't fix the fear, emotions, anxiety - whatever it is that's causing it. And if she won't go to therapy (my MIL won't either) it might be the way to go.

I wonder if you found a counsellor who specialized in this and then got your family (siblings, etc.) together - and each of you explain how this is impacting your lives. Not just the burden of having people to stay with you (which I get, is not the problem for you so much as feeling like you are enabling), but how you feel helpless, the guilt you feel ...

I think it could be very healing. Just something to consider. I knew someone who went through this with a parent who was an alcoholic. It was very helpful for them, and they all kind of healed together through the process.

Good luck :)

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M.R.

answers from Seattle on

Such a thoughtful and insightful post about your mom and the predicament she creates for all.

From what I understand, hoarding IS one of the most resistant to therapy types of diagnosis to suffer from. That there is a distinct difference between OCD and hoarders, in that their recurrent decision processing creates persistent changes in the brain, and even the brain stem. Once the brain stem cells are affected and involved, there's very little to no effective intervention.

All that biology to say, the only thing you can do is control your choices, not hers. Good advice below about how to inform the incoming family visitors that your home is not your mother's overflow hotel. You love them but.....

You might have to take the 'white lie' tactic with your mom about your availability, perhaps you and family have a bad flu going around....something to start the breaking away process.

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M.F.

answers from Phoenix on

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Hoarding is very similar in behavior to addiction and, like with drugs or alcohol or gambling, sometimes friends and family have to take a hard stance and stop enabling the hoarder.
Yes, by letting your mom use your house as a hotel for her guests and use you as a concierge for them, you are enabling her to not just continue hoardong, but continue to pretend it effects no one negatively. Same with your brother-as long as he continues to allow his need for a babysitter to outweigh the fact that your mom completely disregards his request that the children not be in her house, she can continue to carry on as if nothing is wrong.
You both have to set firm boundaries AND STICK TO THEM. No more putting guests up for your mom. Explain to her that she can put them up in a hotel, at her expense or that you will do everything in your power to get her help to clean her house, but you will not serve as her hotel anymore. Explain to your aunts and uncles that it's nothing personal against them, but that you can no longer enable your mom's hoarding by putting her guests up for her. Grandma only may babysit at your brother's house. If she takes the children to her house again, it will be the last time she babysits. Period. Your brother will just have to find a back-up sitter. Otherwise, the children's safety is at risk and I've known situations where a parent has relied on a hoarding grandparent to provide childcare and the children were taken by CPS because the parent willingly and knowingly put them in unsafe and unclean conditions. I wouldn't want that to happen to your brother's kids.
I wish you lots of luck. There are support groups out there for children of hoarders, which may be beneficial to you.

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E.J.

answers from Chicago on

I'm glad you reached out.

You are right, you cannot change her nor can you change 'the soar system' they have decided to exist in.

You can however change your role in the system so that you don't feel like you are enabling it.

I would contact a licensed therapist who specializes in this type of behavior. I think you would greatly benefit from one who is certified in addictions because they have a better understanding of the enabling, shame, guilt and tough love that is the "tying binds" of addictive/compulsive behavior.

You get the opportunity to educate yourself, safely vent your feelings, learn tools to assert healthy boundaries, and even get some objectivity on how to redefine your relationship with your parents.

Codependent No More is a good starter book to understanding enabling.

Wishing you strength :-).

ETA: Fuzzy is absolutely right!

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

My stepmother is a hoarder. She actually doesn't understand why no one will come over. She started to get really bad after my father died. I think it is depression and has escalated. She actually got mad at us when we were tidying up a bit once. she is living in a what was once a beautiful home that belonged to her mother, then my father and her and children moved in and then grandma died, dad died and she wants to keep everything. It is totally frustrating. We stay in our brother's house or sister's. And like you I am sure they are frustrated with her. My sister has had two children and she doesn't want to bring them over there. My brother helps her as often as possible, but won't go in the house. Her dog started to go all over. But the dog recently died. As it is my step mother I am not sure how far to go either. Call the fire department? call community services? She gets angry over help. Last time we stayed there things were so dirty my husband had bug bites on his eyes. We live in another state so it isn't possible to always help. Looking forward to hearing the suggestions.

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J.B.

answers from Dallas on

Can you report her to social services? If nothing else, I would call the police and ask them to do a welfare check. Then get therapy for yourself.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I would be overjoyed to have my family come and stay with me. I loved them so much and wish I had more time with them. All my aunts and uncles have passed and so have some of my cousins.

I would simply let them know that my mom is a hoarder and that they are welcome to stay with you but that I'd prefer if they did this or did that...just important stuff like if they get up at 4am and go in the kitchen and cook. They'd need to be very quiet.

If you can afford to feed them and host them please consider what a blessing you get to be for them. They will look back on their time with you and know you are an excellent hostess. Be gracious and inviting and happy to spend time with them. They won't be around forever.

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

She needs therapy. It's not an addiction, it's fear. Don't know if you've seen the hoarding shows, but just the few I've seen, anxiety and fear are at the root. She doesn't want to leave her house - something is very very wrong for her.

Do what Fuzzy said.

Contact a therapist and ask what you can do, and what you can do to cope. You have to be honest with her. You can't let this damage your life.

1 mom found this helpful

X.O.

answers from Chicago on

I'm so sorry. My story mirrors yours, with the exception of the manipulation.

Do your relatives know about your mom's hoarding? If so, be very clear with them that you are not rejecting THEM, but you are not enabling your mother any more. If she wants to see her relatives badly enough, she will get help, or she can foot the bill for a nice hotel stay for them.

I haven't been inside my parents' home since 2008. My kids have no memories of their grandparents' house, which is very sad. But my parents realize this is something only they can control, so they come to visit us (out of state), and when we visit them we stay at a hotel (but we pay, since they couldn't afford it).

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S.W.

answers from Amarillo on

What era was your mom born? Did she have parents that went through the Depression? I say this because it was a different time and a different though process than today with everything thrown out the door. It is a mindset. Were they any traumatic experiences to your mom in her childhood that caused this behavior?

I know that my parents and other relatives have had things that should have been tossed a long time ago.

There are times I look at my house like now because I have had a major surgery and want to clean it up but I am not ready to do so yet. My kids especially my DIL wanted to toss many things out but it did not happen. I do a lot of crafting and that does take up room and I need to get it underway as quickly as possible because I don't want to be the one who has the family have to do it when I am gone.

People get busy in their daily living and before they know it, the house looks like a bomb went through it. I know. It is h*** o* the outside but it is also h*** o* the person who is on the inside. It will all work out hopefully before they are gone.

the other S.

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