How to Help a Friend with Cancer

You are a good friend. I love all of the suggestions so far. Also you could just ask what do they need the most help with.. Offer suggestions and see if they can also come up with other things..

We discovered that at the MD Anderson Hospital cancer patients still have to pay for parking! It can add up if their families are coming and going. One family told us while his daughter was under going dialysis, there were times they went back and forth so many times one day it cost them $60. The father had just lost his job and this was causing lots of stress and this was just about parking!

I called the hospital to see what we could do to help and they suggested a monthly parking card. It was around $150? If I remember correctly, so we collected over $500. just through a quick email...

Running various errands, taking care of things around the house (yard work, laundry, grocery shopping), offering childcare and just being there, as already mentioned, are all things that will help a lot.

That's very thoughtful of you to do that! My suggestion would be to have someone help with cleaning, watch the kids for doctor's appointments, the meal thing is fabulous (who doesn't like having a meal already prepared!) and maybe help with general errands, they will appreciate anything! Good luck and my best to that family!

I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in March of 2007. It is not the same as lung and liver but cancer still. I wrote this response to another mom in 2009 but thought I could share it with you also as some of the same things are relevent. So here it is.

It was the worst moment I can remember. And my husband was on a trip to disney world with my sons band group. Here are the things that helped me the most.

Keep in touch but don't let it be the only topic of conversation. talk about if and when he is ready to but talk about other stuff also

Bring meals or set up a meal plan. Depending on the treatment schedule they may or may not be able to cook. Are there older kids in school Come over one day and make up lunches.

Make a list of what they normally do and see if you can help to get those things done. they may be little things but little things when your puking from chemo are the things that tip you over the edge.

take him back and forth to chemo if you can. don't expect him to "want" you to sit with him. sometimes he will and others he will wish everyone in the world would just get the heck away from him. at least I did.

here is one that a friend of my sons did for me. if he has chemo his hair will fall out. offer to take him for a hair cut when it starts to come out and then shave it for him when it is down to just whisps. One of my sons girlfriends shaved mine for me when I was so sick I couldn't imagine going out in public ever again. but she shaved it with a bic razer and then massaged it afterwords with some lotion. it made me feel pampered in the midst of some of the worst months of my life. she did it about once a week with the lotion till my hair grew back.

the main thing though is to not disappear from her life. I have friends who I thought were as close as my sister. but when I was diagnosed with this they disappeared. It doesn't make them bad people it just showed where I fit in on the scale for them. The friends who stick by you in these things are the true friends. and not just buying dinner but going out with you bald and changing bandages on scars that no woman should have to deal with. ok so now I'm crying as I write this. just be a true friend and stick by her

Our moms group uses www.carecalendar.com to coordinate meals and other things that the families in our group might need help with. Meals is a great idea, also anything that would normally be his responsibilites that will now fall to the wife would be a big help to them. Things like lawn care, handyman stuff, walking/picking up after the dogs. Grocery shopping trips, taking him to appointments, or taking the kids off their hands for a few hours are all good ideas too. Even if you just call when you are going to the store and ask if they need a gallon of milk dropped off can be a big help.

Another cool thing I heard about and forgot until I saw it mentioned the other day is a free cleaning service for cancer patients: http://www.cleaningforareason.org

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in December and had a double mastectomy in early January. I am now undergoing chemotherapy and I have a 4 year old and a 22 month old. My church, family and friends have helped me tremendously doing everything from grocery shopping, rides to doctor appointments, helping with my kids and providing meals. I used the Care Calendar website to manage all of it. www.carecalendar.org. The coordinator of the calendar (this could be you or another close family friend that is in frequent contact with the family) inputs all of the needs on the dates and times they are needed and then you send the link to family and friends so that they can sign up to help. It really helped us tremendously. I'm sorry that your friends are going through this and I pray that he will have successful treatment. Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions.

Well meals are a great idea, how about restaurant gift cards also. Maybe get them a house cleaner, take the kids to the park. Have a fundraiser with music with gift baskets to raffle off. Sell the tickets before hand and at the door. See what you can get donated to raffle off also . Takes work but so worth it for the family. Have a 50/50 , this is when you sell lets say 5 tickets for 2 dollars , then draw the number at the end of the night , count the money and whom ever wins gets half of what monies was collected. I would make the cost of a ticket cheap enough so all can come. And I would just have cheese , crackers, chips , pretzels at the tables. You also can have a silent auction at the party. These type of things bring in money that will so help the family. They are lucky to have friends such as you who care.

Meals are a great idea! I would also add to invite his kids to the park with yours to give some respite to them, and also to be willing to sit with him and the kids while his wife gets some time to herself. If they live in a home that needs yard work, maybe come up with a mowing schedule among all the freinds. Gas cards - if he is having to be driven back and forth to therapy a lot. And having an ear for them to vent and not abandioning them.

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More than anything having people available for baby-sitting, holding a hand, being a shoulder to cry on. If you want to work out a system where your friends rotate weeks THAT would be a blessing. When you go through something that traumatic the hardest part is feeling alone, that everyone's lives are going on without you. To know that your friends are there is a big blessing.

I had cancer. Thank God I am well now. What helped? Visits, yes food made for the family, more visits and more food. If there are little ones offer to help care for the little ones even if they are just in the house and need to be chased around while the patient is resting. Doing some ordinary things would help, emptying the garbage, turning the car on and running it for a few minutes so it kept in good condition, running to the grocery store, you name it, it is so helpful when one is limited. I am going to say prayers for your friend right now. If you can, also say some prayers with him or by yourself. That is a wonderful help.

Hello, I am so sorry for you and for your friend. I recently lost a very close friend to cancer.

Meals really helped. I was able to take her to treatments, if you are able that would also be a big help. Do things with the children also, or give gift cert to their favorite place to eat. If you can, maybe stay a night so the primary caregiver can get some rest. Anything you do is a big help.

You are an awesome for all that you do.

Be sure to use throw away containers as much as possible or be sure to pick up the containers so the family doesn't have to get them back to you and also make sure the containers that need to go back are labled well with the contributors name and address.

I've read your responses and they are all great. My sister had cancer with two small children . It was unbelievable how the community, church, neighbors, friends, family,etc stepped up and helped in every way imaginable. Meals were great and a huge help. But anything you do will be a huge help at this time and much appreciated also. We actually had a benefit for my sister and raised around 40,000 for the family. It was fun. We had a committee and everyone pulled together and donated and it was great. We got almost everything for free or at cost by knowing people. Good Luck. You never said where you lived I would love to help if I could.

When a friend of mine husband had cancer we got a large group of people together to cover their meals while he was doing treatment and just the times when he wasn't generally feeling well. We set a cooler on their porch and that is where the meals were dropped(we didn't want to disturb them incase he was asleep or just having a bad day) anyway everyone picked a day and meals that had to be cooked were in the cooler by 4:30 pm and hot meals there by 6pm. If they needed to be cooked we wrote out directions and taped it to the meal. There was about 40 of us, so we provided a meal about every six weeks. So if you want to be the cooridinator call everyone they know that might want to help and you will be surprised at the response you get. It is important to find out about food allergies or things that the smelll or taste may make the sick person more ill. Then just type up a small letter give it to everyone who wants to help so they know the guidelines, make a schedule, make sure everyone has your number and that you have theirs and good luck.

Offer to do meals that are quick cook and can be frozen,as when you do chemo sometimes tastes aren't quite right, or offer to do something fun with the kids as the parents sound like they might need a break and the kids might be missing out on the simple kid stuff. Other things would be offering to shop or pick up prescriptions. Offering to drive for an appointment or chemo session. We just did 2 years of this before my Dad passed and it helped even the small stuff.

My mom had cancer.

1) If you can come by and clean or gift the family a cleaning service once a month or something that would be very kind. With food they might only want to eat certain food, but you can't go wrong with cleaning and when one is stressed it's the last thing they wanna do!

2) Spend time with them. Chemo is exhausting. If you can go to the house and let the man just lie on the couch and listen while you guys just chat around him so that he feels like he still has a life, like there are people around him and stuff-- but he doesn't have to "host" that would be great. My mom used to love when her friends would come over and play card games. She couldn't always play with them, but she liked their presence in the room. They brought their own food and just played and she got to listen.

Dear K.,
I think the best thing you can do is feed this family. If you have some communication vehicle available (phone or email tree), then use it, or perhaps start pulling together such a list of neighbors, work friends, kids' school friends, etc. -- 20, 30 cooks is not too many. You can coordinate and help to provide a week's meals at a time, if you are really organized and have at least 7 cooks/providers (Boston Market ok!) to work with. Also help your cooks plan for leftovers and the family will be helped greatly by being well-fed and all they have to do is dishes.
Child care available on short notice is also invaluable. Take up a collection among the pals for a thorough housecleaning. Do grocery shopping, run errands or help with insurance paperwork -- if you have experts in your group of helpers, bring 'em in, esp for taxes and whatnot.
Good luck, you are a WONDERFUL friend!!! remember to keep helping! More than a few weeks!:-)
Mama S.

I like the idea of setting up a bank account for the family. You can find out if the kids have 503 accounts for college and ask for donations for that fund. Suggest he set up a trust for the kids or a 503 account if they don't have one already. It is easy to accept help when it is for your kids future. It would be great peace of mind for them to have a nice start for the kids. I know of a family who asked a local bank to accept and deposit checks. I wrote a check and mailed it to the bank direct. Easy. I didn't know the family so I wouldn't have been able to help in another way but certainly felt compelled to do something.

when my dad had throat cancer he needed us to pick up his food take him to the hospital check on him daily. he couldnt talk so we had to do his talking for him. with him having kids if you know he has a doc appt babysit for free. help clean the house. they are busy running to doc appt. or hospital for this or that. feed the dogs mow the lawn. take either the kid or the dad to the doc appt to make it easier on mom. if thy are in diapers buy diapers. buy them meals. come over and help get the kids ready for bed. especially in the later days if he doesn't recover. pray for them.

anything you would need if you were in there position would be greatly appreciated. at this point any help would be appreciated. even if its just visit the daddy. they get lonely cant go out and get depressed because of the overload. this includes the mom too. talk to the kids help explain what is going on. They may be curious and if they ask mom she may just start crying because of stress overload. so kids need answers.

Wow what a great group of friends! They are lucky to have you. Beside what everyone here mentioned, like meals, cleaning, childcare. Sometimes it is hard for those who need the help to call, maybe you can make a weekly calendar for all the friends who want to help and everyone take a day and time slot for whatever they want to do, whether it is laundry, cleaning, errands, child care. That way someone is always on call to help, and you can share the list with them weekly with that persons phone number, that why if they really need something they can call that person before they come over. I think the most important thing will be you and your friends friendship. Most people disappear or don't want to talk with them. Maybe you can get together a list of local teenage babysitters to come over a couple of times a week for a few hours to play with the kids while the parents are home, that why they can do what they want, sleep, shower, pay bills, etc.

I recently attended a fundraiser hosted by the Mulliganeer's. They help local area families with sick children with many things (transportation, money for groceries, etc.). If you contact them they may be able to help your friend's family.

There is a great website where you can go to organize meals to be sent from family and friends and it is free. It is not only for new parents, but for families that are in need due to illness, etc.

http://www.examiner.com/x-29454-Pregnancy-Health-Examiner...

Good luck, you have some wonderful suggestions and you are doing a great thing!

Hi K. S. what a sad story. give your friend all the help(even if he says he doesn't need any) and love with prayers that you can. You didn't say if his cancer had spreaded but he's in God hands and miracles do happen. Gather all of your friends around him and pray.

There is a wonderful place where you can go and set up a calendar for people helping (forgive me if someone has already mentioned it). It is free and you can set up all kinds help; be it driving to chemo or making dinner. It is at http://www.carecalendar.org/ . We should all be so lucky to have a friend like you. God will bless you.

All these answers sound wonderful. You are doing the right thing for him and his family. This has to be such a hard time for all of them. I had a friend who went through breast cancer last year and hearing the stories of how her friends in TX were taking care of her and her husband and small children were so heartwarming. I'd say the biggest thing you can do is to be there for his kids and do what you can to make their lives seem as "normal" as possible. She set up a caringbridge website to keep everyone posted and informed. That way she only had to tell her story one time and not to all who were interested. You may volunteer to help set that up. You are being such a good friend and I am sure he appreciates any support you can give. Best to all of you!