How to Handle Problems with the Blending of Our Children to New Relationship

Hi there ... how great of you to want to take this on ... unfortunately I have to agree that "newly divorced" is too fresh for the children to deal with. I hope you can get some family counseling before you become a blended family. No matter what you do you might be viewed as the cause by the children and they will act out. Unfortunately the live in status doesn't give you automatic respect, I really think the children need time to understand their Dad's new status before other children and a girlfriend are introduced.

Sounds like it is time for a FAMILY MEETING. Pick a night that you will ALL be together and have a meeting of the minds and let each child express whatever feelings they may have about the situation and then as a family try to resolve those issues and discuss what can be done by each and every person to help.

Just a thought... Hope it helps.

Hey there! I know that this is a rough time, and honestly it sounds like you guys are not engaged so your role really isn't very clear to her (in the way black/white way that kids that age think). Your guy is really the only one who can set the tone for her. But remember elementary kids trying to explain to their teacher or friends . . .the lady who lives with my daddy, but isn't my mom AND the kids that stay with my dad, but they aren't my step-sister yet . . . it's just not easy on any of them. Only time, and a plan will help ease that uncertainty for all of the kids. I only had a single step-daughter, and it was STILL pretty tough.

Just realize it is always hardest on the same-sex step parent/kids. And it will be natural for his kids to be resentful because your kids get to spend all of their time with your guy and not just the weekends. Don't take it personally.(the kid doesn't realize that deep down they are competing for his attention at a time that he is "in love" and showering you with affection. It takes time for everyone to figure out where they fit - 18 months in our family)

Practical Tips: The thing that I found MOST successful was making suggestions for fantastic pampering things for my step-daughter and it was only for her and not for the adults. I started naming things "daddy" this or that, and I would encourage those special things for my step daughter. For instance, we created "Daddy baths" where he lit candles, put bubbles in the tub, and played soothing music. I made her some satin pillow cases. And I was the person who insisted on Daddy/daughter "dates". It gave me a bit of a break, and it also took the pressure off of everyone. My hubby (who sometimes seemed to feel a bit awkward after being away from his daughter for a while), me (who didn't always want to walk that tightrope), and Shelby (who really only wanted her father but didn't know how to ask other than agression towards me). If you can become their advocate for special time rather than "pawning" them off to their father when things are intense or forcing everyone to share him . . . you begin to win rather than the other way around. Meanwhile, you can plan something special with your kids.

Finally, my mom is a grief councelor who works with blended families in Dallas. If you can get most of the kids into any program that uses the Rainbow Kids curriculum . . . that's great. Developmentally, most of the kids this age (7-12) are mad, but they really don't always have the tools to talk about or even understand how to work through it. They are usually mad at their parents for letting this happen, and they fixate on the new folks in their lives. (your kids too) Group discussions with other kids (and an adult) who are going through this helps them to problem solve. And honestly, they learn that their situation is not as tough as other kids too. They can role-play things, and honestly release some emotions to other adults that they cannot release to their parents.

Good luck,

C.

L.,
I'm going to have to stand next to Karen on this one....what is up with the name calling? Perhaps when people read your request, maybe they should take into consideration that just because he is "newly divorced" does not mean that he and his ex-wife havent been together in years. I say, good luck to you. I say, I hope that you find much happiness in this world of ours. I say, its 2008, we are in the United States of America...you dont have to marry if you dont want to. I tell ya...its real easy for people to bash you....perhaps they havent been through hardache, like a loved one off to a war...or a devestating hurricane. Give those kids some time to adjust. Love ALL those around you. I, for one, am pulling for you. I hope you find the answer that you are looking for.

Margaret :)

I've got a special blended situation going on here, too, so I feel your pain.

Question: Are you and your BF planning to marry? I'm not judging, but I wonder what the kids have been taught about marriage. When I was dating my husband, his XW emphasized to all, including their son, that I was merely the girlfriend and, therefore, of no consequence. (Now that we're married, I'm a bad habit--addiction, maybe--that he's forcing them to put up with.) How long have you been together? How long have you been in their lives? If he's "newly divorced", then this is certainly a new concept for him and for his children (sharing each other like this, with "outsiders"), not to mention a new set of circumstances in that their parents are divorced. They're all--the children and your BF--still dealing with the dissolution of life as they knew it, and they all need space to get it together. (He might act like he's fine when it's just the two of you or even with your children; but his children's presence reminds him of the mess that he's made in rocking his and their existence, even if it was a terrible marriage.) Is it possible that this new live-in situation is premature? If your children live with you and your SKs' father all the time, then there's definitely resentment and even rage that he went from living with them to being full-time head of somebody else's family, spending day in and day out with someone else's children who are the same age, feeling to them like a quick replacement. Don't think that just because she's the only one acting out it means that she's the only one with a problem. Because she's "favored", she feels more confidence and more obligation to fight for herself and her siblings.

Now, you and BF need to get together and establish the house rules (including an understanding between you of the purpose and goal of each rule). You need to discuss parenting styles and how you will address the differences between you--if you will have equal rights to each other's children or if each bio will step in and pull rank over the step. Once you establish how your home will run, then you both must work together to ensure that it happens.

I really suggest counseling to provide guidance and perspective, as I don't see your relationship with your BF succeeding without coming to some major agreements here. You have no right to expect a ready-made family at this time, so don't try to force it. You can't expect them to come over and fall right in line with what you do in "your" family, when they feel like their dad is their only family there. No matter what you do, it will get worse before it gets better.

I wish you all the best.

Hi L.,
Sorry to hear about your children fighting but, from a mother with 3 step-sons as well I do feel your pain. What I found that works is let the children be children and the parents be adults. Unless you and your soon to be husband get on the same sheet of music trust and believe the kids behavior will get worst if they know that they could play one against the other. My step-sons moved in when they were 6 and 7 and within 3 years I filed for divorce and had to put husband and stepsons out. After the boys went back to their mothers house my life got back to normal. Than 4 years later they were back but, before they moved back in I had a long talk with my husband and told him no matter who's kids are who and if they call me mom or him dad or not. As the women of the house I am the mother of the house and my husband was the father of the house and all kids would respect both of us and if I told the kid one thing and then they called their father his first sentence needs to be what did my wife tell you and stick with that decision I made. When they moved back in it was hell for about 6 weeks till everyone got use to living with everyone again the adjustment period was very stressful for the adults and the children but when the dust settled wow I had 2 free kids that I didn't have to give birth too and a few years later the other son came to live with us and he fell right in place. Having a blended family can be a wonderful thing if the "ADULTS" can get their acts together first and the kids would soon follow. Good luck to you and I hope this ends well because, I know I am truly blessed with my stepsons 2 are grown now and they still call, write, email and visit as often as possible.
Faythe

I was once the 9 year old you are describing. My parents divorced and my mom moved in with her boyfriend. I was extremely mad about this. I hate to say it but that little girl will probably never respect you at least for the next ten years or so. Her family has been ripped apart by divorce and now her dad is living with a new women and her kids. The BEST thing you can do for this little girl is to have her dad move out. You are not married. Wait until your children are grown and his children are grown and then start your relationship.

L.

I must agree with some of the others.... who can blame a little girl for being angry. Your kids get HER dad, every day. She only gets him every other weekend. You are not married.
What message are you sending. Children learn what they live.
T.

Okay, I know some people will not like my response, and I apologize in advance if I hurt anyone's feelings. I am not against couples living together (my dh and I lived together for almost a year before we married), except when there are children involved. His little girl thinks she can break you up because you aren't really 'together' yet. If she saw that her father was committed enough to you to marry you, I suspect that she wouldn't try so hard to break you up. Also, because he is newly divorced, he should really be spending time alone with his children on the weekends he has them. It isn't fair to them to have to share their father during the short time they are with him. My mother allowed a man she was dating to move in with us when my brothers and I were young. We resented him and were miserable with him living there. One of my brothers was outright hostile toward him. Once they got married (which lasted all of 3 months), we started to accept him a little more and were less resentful. IMHO, I think you guys are just moving too fast for the children to be able to deal with and should try slowing things down. If your children are okay with him living with you, is there a way that he could just go somewhere else with his children on the weekends he has them? I know this would be difficult but you really need to think about how all of this is affecting them. Family counseling might be a great thing for all of you at this point. Good luck!

you need to
GET MARRIED before your boyfriend moves into your home, you life and the childress' lives....

The hardest road to take in any situation is the high road. If you put yourself in the child's shoes, it is very easy to see that there are events that have happened in her young life that she has had zero control over. Being a child of divorce, I can tell you that it is extremely difficult to understand why you, the child, have no say so in what goes on in the family that is yours. Time heals. Keep an open mind, remember that you are the adult, she is the child and try as hard as possible to see why she is angry, not the manifestation of the anger. She is targeting others, as she feels others have targeted her. Not neccessarily you and your children, but the divorece and relationship you are forming with her father may be what angers her. I felt that the whole world was working against my happiness. My world stopped when my family broke apart. I was powerless against it.

There is a lot of unforeseen work in a blended family. It takes a lot of dedication, understanding and selflessness to help raise another woman's children.

I think you have to realize that this may be your life if you continue to pursue this relationship. It doesn't sound to me that HE is very good at parenting, so there will always be problems. You also don't know what his kids are hearing from their mother about the situation.

I think anyone who has kids and is not married to their father needs to put the raising of those kids first - before anything else. I, too, am a single parent. I have no plans to get into a relationship until I raise my 14, 11, and 8 year old. It would never be easy for them even if the best guy in the world came along.

I hope he wakes up to the problems and can effectively change the behavior in his kids. If he doesn't, you are in for more of the same.

Good luck,
J.

You probably will not like what I have to say and I know it is probably to late to remedy, but you two should not have moved in together. You mention he is recently divorced, that tells me the children haven't even adjusted yet to their divorce and this is probably one of the problems. He suddenly moves in with you and you have children and his children probably don't or aren't at that stage to share his affections as they are still adjusting. I am sorry but for him to move in with another woman so close after the divorce was not really thinking about his children or yours for that matter. It is really going to take time for each of the children to get to really know each other and then again his children see him only every other weekend and yours see him all the time. It is going to be competition for his love and attention and to a certain degree, rightfully so. I do feel strongly that they all learn to respect each of you but you are going to have to be patient and he is going to have to be flexible as well. Zeroing in on her and thinking she does no wrong and calling his other children basically liars is not helping his 10 year old at all. I know it is hard for him as he probably feels guilty himself and it is human nature to take up for your own kids. Seems you have a grip on your which is good, but really if it came down to it, yours would be your priority over his. Give the kids some space and they should eventually come together. Counseling is not a bad idea either. Be active in their lives and give him the space to go and do things with his own children by himself and without you and your children. They need their time to heal and be reassurred that Dad is not leaving them and still loves them.
There are a lot of children and when they are all together I am sure it can be stressfull. Plus you and he are trying to really get to know each other as well as it seems your relationship is new also. Right now his children do not really want to see him with anyone else and are probably still hurting that he is not at home like he always was before.
Good Luck to you and remember they will all learn and hopefully all get along. It just takes time.

Hi L.,

I was recently in your situation. "Daddy's Favorite", that can be is enough said! I had to sit dad down and let him know how I felt. We had the conversation several times before he caught on. I simply let him know that he wants and deserves respect from my children. I demand the same from his. I did let him know that I felt that his "favorite" would come between us and break us up.

Since he did not hear me the first time, when he brought her, he had to deal with her. That meant feeding her and taking her everywhere he went. If he was not there, she was not allowed there. After about 2 weekends of this, he made it a point to talk to the 2 of us. He let her know that I had to be respected and whatever I said had to be done.

It worked for us and I pray to God that things work out for you!!!!!!

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlelhj.aspx?cp...

I saw this article today and thought about your post here on mamasource. It's an interesting article and offers sound advice. Best of luck.

A. W.

this is a tough one. It sounds like the 9 yr old REALLY misses her dad. How "newly divorced" is your BF? I hate to ask; but were you the reason? I'm not judging...just thinking out loud. I would suggest counseling for everyone. You and BF absolutely need to be on the same page with parenting styles, house rules, etc. and then everyone should go for group sessions so the kids feel like they have a safe place to say exactly what their feeling without consequence. It also sounds like BF may have taken a step back to his XW when it came to discipline. 9 yr old could be acting out and pushing the limits to see exactly what she'll get away with.

Another thought I'm thinking is maybe she's trying to figure out where she fits in. Do his children have their own space in your home? If not, then they may not feel welcome. I'm sorry; but sharing a room with children you don't know or even like or cammping out in the living room is NOT a welcoming feeling. They're already having to share their dad with other kids and another woman...possibly their mom to another man and maybe other kids too. Just my personal opinion as an every other weekend child.

Children need examples to follow, so if you and BF aren't communicating or treating eachother (and children) with respect then you can't expect your children to do it either. Get it together!

Hi L.
First off, I am going to say that being a step-parent is the most difficult thing in the world.
You are dealing with children who have been raised with a totally different mind-set and value system as the ones you were raised with and which you then used for your own children. Plus children from another marriage are hurt children and feeling insecure, the last thing they actually want is to have to share the only shred of security they have (the most stable parent) with a newcomer.
You are going to have to do something which will not come naturally to you. You are going to have to step in their shoes every time you deal with them and see things from their perspective and smother them with love. It's not easy and quite honestly, unless you both consult regularly with a therapist and family counselor to help you through this, your chances of a successful outcome are at best, minimal - and the love you have for one another as a couple will not be able to withstand the pressures and feelings (rightly or wrongly) of disloyalty and betrayal without help.

As you said, L., it's only been two weeks, so lots of new feelings to process. A very big thing for adults, so imagine how it must be for a young girl. You do deserve respect and family peace in your home, but she needs some special understanding, too. Not an invitation to act ugly when other kids are expected to behave, but obviously she needs extra time or something from her dad for this to be ok with her. Sit down and have a family meeting were you all get a turn to talk and listen. Not judge or defend, just talk and listen. (no name calling or blame allowed, just everyone owning their feelings and being safe to express them) Try yourself to start talking with "I phrases". Start sentences with "I" like "I feel ___ when you are rude to me" (instead of saying "you were being rude to me") Write down a few household rules you all agree to (no tattle-tales, no name calling, respect the parents, etc.) and then lay down the consequences so everyone knows what to expect. If you do this together at the family meeting it won't be a big "you against them" deal, but something everyone can buy in to. It may actually be comforting because things may feel pretty random right now and the kids need to know their roles and where they fit into this new relationship/family model. They didn't get a choice in this, remember. Kids in all households are dealing with the fact that we expect them to be both adults and kids at the same time. They have the same needs as we have, but with fewer resources to get what they want because they are just kids! How frustrating does that sound?
Keep it positive (even if you have to go get someone to help you stay focused and feeling healthy for yourself, like a good listening friend or therapist) and any parenting classes you can find for blended families would be nice for you and your man to take together. Don't fight with him in front of the kids, and don't let a child (respectful or otherwise) make you feel validated or steer your adult relationship in any way. Sure, she's playing mind games with the family, but she's only 9. Any time you see things getting tense due to this child, hug your man and tell him you are refusing to fight over this because you love him and when you are both calmer you can talk about it. If she sees her shenanigans making you two hug and look into each other's eyes more, she may stop. Even if it makes her resort to other tactics, it's a great model of how to deal with relationships in a loving way. Gentle love and forgiveness of the people who seem to deserve it least is what will heal the whole world! If you can get her big sisters on board to help they might become terrific allies for you, but not so much if they are being called "liars" by dad (no name calling, right?)
Your new family is going to be so much crazy fun but it'll be a hard won battle. Take care of yourself!
P. (SAHM with three boys)

I'm sure you've already received lots of responses, but I just wanted to add my two cents... Looks like if I'm following correctly that she was the baby of her family. Now with the addition of your kiddos, she is a middle child, and no longer the baby. I think it's going to take some time for her to get used to that idea. Your family joining with your partner's has kicked her out of that role as the baby, so she's revolting against you & your younger children, especially the girl who has taken her place as the baby girl.

Some kids also have this notion that their parents will get back together, if only this new intruder wasn't in the way. ~Talking from the kiddos' point of view- please do NOT think this is my opinion. My siblings went through that when my parents split and started dating again. Me- I just go with the flow, but most people really don't do well with change.

I do think you need to all sit down as a family and talk about the rules and respect that needs to take precedent. Everyone is going through a lot of changes right now, and that needs to be understood and dealt with.

No matter what anyone else says- I'm sure you'll get a lot of negativity about living together before marriage- I think it is a good idea for families who are thinking of merging to live together beforehand to see if the dynamics will work. People have to understand that it's not just a couple getting married, it's the entire family. My stepmom lived with us for a year before she decided she was brave enough to take on 4 kids (2 teens & 2 elementary age) to add to her 1 grown son.

Best of luck to you and your new extended family! I'm sure with love & LOTS of patience, things will settle down and work out.

Hi L....my thoughts...this is TOO much TOO soon. Divorce is VERY stressful and upsetting...especially to children. The BF needs to move out, get his own place, and spend the weekends with his children ALONE. At this point, sounds like you & he are just BF/GF, so I think it's way too early to try blending your families. That needs to come if/when you decide to marry.

Good luck!

Focus on your kids and less on a man. He needs to focus on his kids and himself before moving forward with you.

That's a tough one. Have you considered family counseling? You need to really concentrate on keeping Dad in the loop, and be sure he is the one to discipline her (and all his kids), NOT you. You are in charge of your 3, of course. She is the "baby" in his family, and probably gets by with more because of it. I wish you well with this.

L.,

Blended families are not easy. If you feel your partner is not hearing you, then write him a letter and tell him how you feel. I had similar problem and it became the cause of all our fights. Don't let it get to the point that your children feel like step children. That the rules are different for his children.

Pray that God will give you wisdom that will help you work through this issue.

Good Luck!

Find a Christian Family Counselor and seek weekly counseling as a couple as well as a whole family. The two of you need to be a team regardless of whose child is acting out. If that doesn't work out definitely hold off on marriage. Best of luck to you all and God bless.
P.

Blending families are one of the hardest things you will ever do. I would suggest going to a councilor. There are some that specialize with this. I read a book that really helped me. I think it was called Living in a Step Family Without Getting Stepped On. Another was 7 habits of highly effective families.
My husband and I do not have as many kids involved as you but I can tell you some of the things we experienced.

*Children trying to come between or sabotage our relationship

*Competition for affection and attention between children

*Competition for space and property

*Behavioral problems at school

*Conflict in parenting styles

*Drama with Ex's

*...and on and on and on...

Sound familiar?

The thing that you have to remember is that the more people you have in a situation, the more emotions are going to be involved and though not every one is going to understand each other's thoughts and feelings, that does not make it any less valid. The trick is to get every one to listen and try to talk out what it is that they are feeling.

I would really really really suggest trying to get in to some counseling at the very least for you and your BF but probably for his daughter too. This is a slippery slope that she is on.

Morning L.;

Why do you need the hassle??
I believe it is time to wake up and smell the roses! The girl
will never accept you and will always until she is 60 try to
do things to spoil your lives!! So>>L., give the man his
suit case and say good bye!
B. C.

Get it on tape and discuss it with him when you are both calm without accusation.

I was so sad to read about your situation. These are CHILDREN that you guys are being so cavalier with. Their lives are impacted forever by the choices the adults in their lives make. Their family has collapsed and while they try to absorb this lifetime wound, Dad has already moved on with his new chica.

If he was the husband that he should have been, the one he PROMISED to be (in a church with witnesses?), then his wife never would have divorced him. You think he'll be that man for you? You're willing to take that chance with your children's hearts?

You respect a man that would live with you without being married to you? A man that would subject his children to that environment? And subject your children to it? You have put him in a "position" of parent to your children. And he has put you in that position with his children, clearly placing his desires above their needs. When he does that to you and your kids, I guess you'll see the man he really is - the one his ex-wife and his 9 year old daughter see.

You are even IN this position because YOUR ex didn't honor the vows HE took. That seems to have left you with diminished values, willing to settle for less from a man. You and your "man friend" are sending messages to all of your children that "playing house and family" is OK. It's SO NOT.

Children are precious gifts. Their lives can be lived but once. They are SO vulnerable to the decisions that the "trusted" adults in their lives make. You two are treating them like furniture. What a sad SAD situation.
I grieve for your children and his.

First of all, I feel your pain! I have a 10 year old step-daughter. I met my husband when she was 1 1/2 years old. She has had an extremely unstable home life that has created havoc within our relationship several times. When she comes to visit, she prides herself in tattling, she has threatened my daughters (18,15, and 11)on numerous occasions. She is an only child at her house and We have tried all kinds of approaches to her behavior and I have never found one that works as of yet. Normally, by the end of the weekend, I am glad to see her get in the truck with her Dad and go home (as hateful as it sounds.)
Second of all, how long have the children known each other - his & yours? I am sure they see it as a competition for his attention - and his kids are jealous of yours since he now resides with you. I think that is a normal reaction to some extent. Try talking to them as a group about everything - maybe that will settle some of the fighting. We do have "family meetings" when things get out of hand - sometimes it works for a while and sometimes it doesn't.
I guess if we had just met, I could better understand my step-daughter's issues but I am not sure it will ever get any easier seeing as though we have been together since 1999. I am sure with time, your situation will settle down and improve. I'm sorry I don't have any "better" advice! Good luck and if you ever need to talk about it, just send me a message!

You and him talk about a solution...don't even focus on the problem. Have a family meeting and both discuss to the children what the house rules are why this is a big adjustment but you all love one another and want this to be enjoyable. There should be good and bad consequences for their choices without Mom and Dad getting upset about their decisions. Just make sure to follow through. For instance, a good day with respect equals a movie they want to see or whatever y'all can think of. Tattle telling, arguing, disrespect will warrant no tv, cell, or something important. Even though the kids are only there every other weekend the respect has to be earned now so the rest of the weekends can be enjoyable. We also have a blended family with his daughter every other weekend. We struggled a bit in the beginning and she was very upset with him but we stuck together so we could all learn and grow. Also once she realized him and I were on the same team she quickly adjusted. 2 yrs. later we are super happy, the kids get along, she and i love and respect one another. Her Mom says she always comes home and tells her how much she loves spending time with us.

I have been in your shoes and got out. If he picks that 1 daughter over his own kids, what makes you think that he will ever side with you over her? I know you must really care for this guy if he has moved in but there are others. If he just divorced, is he even really ready for another relationship? A woman decides how she will be treated. You need to let him know what you expect for you and your kids. I was a single mom for several years. I always made sure that it was known that my kids and I would be treated with respect. In turn, we respected others. Can you imagine what it will be like when she is a teenager if she isn't under control now?

I wish you all the best. For the record, after a few mishaps, I finally found my wonderful husband. We have been married for 5 years. Mr. Right is out there for you! Don't settle for Mr. Right Now! Good Luck!

Hi,
I don't have any quick fixes, but I do have two ideas that might help. However I realize you have a very full household so it may be difficult. I would suggest that both you and her Dad reach out to her. A little "alone" time with daddy might help her. Maybe he could have a special afternoon (or morning, or evening). Even if it is just a walk in the evening for just the two of them. After that I would suggest that you try to reach out to her. These two things may help her feel the love in your family.
In addition I would discuss with him the importance of behavior expectations, especially in a family that large! And then the two of you can discuss with her the behaviors expected, the behaviors not tolerated, and the consequences of her actions BEFORE anything happens again.
N.

Blending families are hard but it can work:) I am not sure how big you and he are on counceling but that is what I suggest. It can start out with just you and he or with all of you.

well as i have been in your shoes except his kids were older than yours are. but you have got to sit girls & friend down together & get it all out( have your daughter explain the situation to him ) & explaining right in front of her with dad there, that she is going to respect you while she is a guest in your home. & add that you plan on being around fora long long time. 1 thing you need to try & find out if "mommy" is putting this idea in her head. ever think of that?? i have had that happen with my daughter & her new hubby. but you gotta hang tough & not let her get the best of you this early.

D.

You have a real problem here and it begins with him. My suggestion is first, just the two of you, visit a family counselor so that you can speak openly with a third party and away from the children, then make an appointment with the counselor and include the children. When the little trouble maker realizes that she's the problem that won't be tolerater maybe she'll be a little more co-operative. She probably would be a problem even if you and yours weren't in the picture, but your first job is to make Daddy realize that his little princess is a trouble maker. Good luck, you're gonna need it.