How to Handle Holidays During Ugly Separation

T.,
Girl I know exactly what your talking about. I've been divorced since last December after 2 long years of arguing, restraining orders, court rooms. He did the same thing to me...showed no concern at first of seperation for the children and then all the sudden he wants to be a dad. Mediation didn't work but my lawyer did. It's a huge ugly story but here's the result so far. They assigned holidays trying to make everything even between the two families. Here's an example. This Thanksgiving I had them for the actual "day" and he has them this weekend. And next year we switch. He'll have them for Thanksgiving day and I'll have them the rest of the time. I have even years. And for Christmas it's split right down the middle...noon! I still have problems with him that I am still dealing with..his anger and lashing out at me, but the trick is A LOT of prayer and don't let them see you sweat. If you can muster a straight face during any argument do it. Be able to prove anything if you need to because guys like that are CONTROLLING and will stop at nothing to hurt you. All you can do is hope they will one day grow up! Mine still tries on his weekends to drag the kids into things..fishing for information about me and my family and so forth. My daughter and son are 12 and 9 and are figuring out that they can tell dad what they think. Though that is scarey, it may take that to stop him. That and I don't respond to every little thing he says. But that's just me ;)
And as for the seperation and divorce thing..guys that are controlling tend to tell you exactly what they're fixing to do if you pay attention. I'm not saying be vendictive or stoop to their level...but it does help to say nothing about what you do to anyone, let him look like the fool and just do what you have to do to get thru it. Mine used threats and words to scare me among other things but I found it in myself to make myself strong and I let God fight the battles. It got too big for me girl...way too big. So I took time thought about things, prayed a lot and then things just started turning around. Things were happening that I had nothing to do with but though I hate to admit it, it kind of made me feel like.."see that's what you get" inside. It's amazing..the power of prayer.
While your adjusting to the holidays changing...my advice is this. If you can get it in writing, do it...lawyers, courts, mediators, counselors, whoever. And then make him stick to it and then explain to your family what you have come up with and let them know it's in the best interest for peaceful holidays that these guidelines be set and stuck to. The kids won't ever get these holidays back. Believe me my family complains too but they have to realize when there's tension the kids know. Make outside holiday time more rewarding with the kids and your family to make up for them being with their dad on the holidays and hang on for the age 18 when you don't have the "legal" battle anymore. Lots of prayers sent your way. PS. If you ever have a worry about their well being...don't be scared to nail him to the wall! Be strong for those babies...no matter what!

Hi T.,

My friend went through a really, really ugly separation and he had to go back to the mediator about the holidays, too. They had it stipulated that, even if it was your day to have the kids, you alternated holidays. They live in different states and each had custody of one of the kids, so at first they each drove 5 hours to meet and then back again to pick up every other week. She was always late and if he was late (even 10 minutes, even though he called) because of traffic, she would threaten to call the police for parental abduction.

By the time the divorce was final, they got it down to once a month, which meant that they alternate months with the kids. Since there are an equal number of months, that meant that the kids would never get certain holidays with our family. (My friend was much more considerate than she was and would allow her extra time with her son, even if it was "his month". She made it hard even if it was his month and never allowed extra visitation in between.)

What I CAN tell you is that my friend refused to say anything bad about her in front of the kids. (I think his daughter was 5 and his son was 10 when they separated.) No matter what she did, no matter what she said about him or his family. And believe me, she put him through the ringer. Now, his son is still with him (and a fine young man) and his daughter will be coming to live with him soon. His son has never asked to go live with his mother. When the kids asked why their mother said a certain thing, he would tell them to ask her, because he didn't know. (Even though that's not what he was thinking!)

Before your next meeting with the mediator, think of everything you could possibly want written in, don't leave anything to his being reasonable -- it doesn't sound like it is going to happen. How long for summer visitation? Whose house first? A few weeks in a row or alternating weeks back and forth? Set out a schedule of holidays. Do you want to include Presidents' Day, Easter (Spring break), Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Halloween (Fall break), Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years? What about the week between Christmas and New Years. What about special occassions for extended families -- weddings, funerals. Try to think through every little thing before you go, it will save you time, money and heart ache in the future. When my friend went through it, we sat down as a group and made lists of things to think about. Also, since both parents saw the kids between Christmas and New Years, the next month, it was the turn for the parent who didn't have them in November, that way, it made 11 months to alternate and each January a different parent had them, thereby, alternating all of the other months as well.

Good luck!! You're not alone.

well if reconciliation is not an option, which is sounds like it is not, then you need to go ahead and file for divorce and get a good attorney who will fight for your rights. you need to pursue custody of the children out right and just give him legal visitation rights that are outlined very specific. When my parents divorced, they got every other Christmas and Thanksgiving and 2 weeks out of the summer, as I got older they deviated some according to what I wanted, but in the beginning it was strictly that way and all maintained by the court system. You need to get some legal backing, if there is nothing clearly in place then it will just turn into a battle with a he said she said ending and that will not work. I wish you the best, I know this cannot be easy for you, but you have to think of the kids and what this is doing to them and protect them as much as possible.

T., I'm sorry that you r going through such a rough time. For starters you are going to have to understand that neither you or the ex are going to be happy at the same time. MEANING: There will be holidays that you get them and he'll be miserable and vise versa. After you get past that then things will be a hell of a lot easier.
My son who is 15 just recently moved in with us from NY after living 7 straight years with his dad. He use to live in NY. It was very very difficult at the beginning for me because I missed him tremendously but we both always kept joint custody and liberal visitation rights for me and he had physical guardianship. I will add that when all of this first happened the judge didn't want to make a decision. It took months but we finally came to an agreement. It wasn't easy believe me. Well I just discussed the terms with you. At the time I was about to leave to the Army so that was the best decision for all. As time went by and I was finally stationed here at Ft. Bragg he wanted to keep him permanently. I wanted what made my son happy. So although my entire family thought I was nuts, I knew that I could see him and visit him and he could come see me when ever it didn't interfere w/ school. And that how we did it for 7 years. Now he's 15 living in NC with my husbans and I and his siblings and he's currently in NY visiting his dad and their family. He will be there for Christmas also. DJ has been flying since a very young age. I always you to tell him that he was a lucky little boy because he had toooo many people that loved him. His dad and that part of his family and me and my side of the family. We never argued in front of him but we did at times. But we always seemed to resolve it. When he use to live w/ dad I use to go visit him every chance I was able to, he use to spend the entire summer with me ( from the day or 2 after school ended til a day or two before school started) he use to spend one Thanksgiving with dad so next year was my turn and same with X-mas and New Years. Alternante. It's the only way to do it. Do not take into consideration the big family event going on, take into consideration that even if you stay home with the kids and it's your turn take it. That;'s what we did. It didn't matter if one was having a big family event and the other one was just going to stay home. We went on a schedule. Sometime when DJ got older we would just lt him choose and he always made it fair to the both of us.
T. it will work it's self out. Trust me. Do not allow him to get under your skin. This year let him have the kids for Thanksgiving and you get them for X-mas and he get's them for New Years. Next year you alternate. I hope this make sense to you. Good luck!! If you want to just talk e-mail me, I'm here.
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HAPPY THANKS GIVING!!!

I can sympathize with your situation. I was in the same predicament about 5 years ago. My ex would use the kids to send nasty messages to me and not think of the reprecutions (sorry for the spelling) of that. I wish there was an easy answer to your question, but unfortunatly there is not. The way I have gotten around that is, I made sure that it was stated in the custody agreement exactly which holidays he had/has with the kids. We are ordered to alternate holidays now, if he has Thanksgiving then I have Christmas. Isn't aweful that some men want to use the most precious things in our lives against us? They know that they can push that button at any time and get a response from us. Something else you could do is not let him (or the kids because they will be the first to tell him) see that he is getting to you. This is hard for anyone in this situation but it will eventually work. If he can not get the reaction he is looking for (you being upset about it) he will eventually stop what he is doing. That is my experience with my ex.

If you ever need to talk to someone who has been there...just let me know! Good luck!

Been there- As much as think you are alone, you're not. Don't ever let him know he's in control. Show no reaction to his controlling ways and you'll finally succeed. As long as he feels he is getting to you, he will continue to traumatize you and your children. They are selfish human beings not worthy of the children they share with you. My advice is file for full custody that way he can never rule your life. He will only have visitation and can never dictate decisions concerning the children. You will be in full control of your children except for their visits with him. Standard visitation in SC is every other weekend, one afternoon during the week, weeks of Christmas split between the two, alternating Thanksgiving, splitting their birthday time and their spring break. Get this in writing and stick to it! I know your self esteem is really low right now, but know that you deserve better and to be happy. A happy you makes a very strong mother!!! Don't let this control freak steer your future. Keep your chin up and know we are here for you!!!!

I've been though something like you are going through. My ex never lost a chance to threaten or bad mouth me. Our kids were older 12 & 10, but they are 16 & 14 now and have little to do with him now. Its hard, but don't put the kids in the middle. It will come back on you and it makes things harder on them. You do whats best for the kids, were it be legal action or not. Just try not to say negative things about him in their hearing. And maybe finding someone for you to talk to may help. My 10 year old ended up in counseling, and his counselor helped me to realise I had to stop him from verbally bullying me or my kids could either end up like him or marry someone like him. That was my wake up call. Good luck.

hi, i have a friend who is in the same boat with his ex-wife, except she wont let him see the kids, if he brings them around her family, (she and her family are not close), so they have gone to court and let the court decide for them, now the children now for a fact, when and where they will be spending the hol... at least them know and there is no more fighting.. goodluck

Go back to court and have it specific in writing. The way we finally ended up doing things with my ex (which he hasn't seen them in 3 or 4 years anyway) is I get the for the holiday because my family is here and he gets them the day after. That way we aren't switching holidays. It is all in our custody/visitation papers.

T.,
You have received some very excellent responses. I have not been in your position, but I have practiced family law and I have seen my nieces and nephews go through the very ugly separation of their parents. If you came to one of my divorce clinics, I would tell you to put absolutely EVERYTHING in writing. If you are not divorcing amicably, do not assume the two of you can be left to determine "reasonable" visitation. While you may be able to be reasonable, it doesn't sound like your ex can be. Realize that there are going to be times that you miss out on things because it's his turn for that holiday or summer time. You may need, from time to time, as the kids get older, to go back to mediation or court to have the visitation modified (ie- so that they can attend summer camp or something like that). Please try, however, to avoid situations like my poor niece is in. For the Christmas holiday, she gets 3-4 days with her dad, then flies back to her mom's on Christmas day. She always has to get up very early in the morning to catch her flight, then spend half her day on an airplane because her dad has her for xmas eve and her mom has her for xmas. The one who loses here is my niece who never has a normal xmas. Especially at ages 7 and 5, you both have to do what is best for the kids and do things in a way that will make sense to them.

That said, you will probably not be able to get back to court or mediation before this holiday season. You asked how you deal with this situation without putting the kids in the middle. Until you have something in writing, you have to take the high road with a man like this. If he's not going to be concerned about the kids, you have to be. And if the only way to keep them from being the pawns in his game is to let him win this battle, then maybe that's what you have to do until you can get things straightened out legally. One thing you can do to keep your kids from being in the middle is to not talk negative about their dad to them or around them. You probably know that already. But you can certainly talk to them about their father's behavior and without being negative and belittling about him, tell them that his behavior is not appropriate and not the best way to act.

You said that you've been with him for 10 years and are at a loss as to how to deal with him. Don't sell yourself short- you left him because it was what you felt was best for your children and yourself. That takes a lot of courage. And one of the reasons you left him is because there is no dealing with a verbal and physical abuser. All you can do is try to keep yourself and your kids safe and get everything in writing. Good luck and happy holidays.