How to Handle Fighting Brothers

My boys are 8 and 11, and this happens. I just separate them. I've don't usually have an additional consequence. I just tell them both to find something else to do. Yes they often go back to playing together. Sometimes it's fine, and sometimes they fight again. If they fight again, I separate them and keep them apart.

Sometimes we will go weeks without a fight, and other times it feels like they are fighting every day. I really think it has a lot to do with the fact that they are different ages and have different interests and ability levels. Also, my 11 year old is definitely more interested in spending time with his friends than with his brother. And my 8 year old just wants to be included. That's not a great combination :-)

Hang in there. This is a normal thing that is just one of the perks of having more than one kid!

Some time apart is a great idea - but try not to frame it as a punishment.
They could both use some play dates with friends their own respective ages - maybe at the friends houses.

Interacting with others will give them a break and maybe help them learn to appreciate each other more than they do at the moment.

Additional:
My mom use to let my younger sister and I 'solve our own problems'.
It was some advice she got from a Dr Spock book.
Worst - advice - ever.
If the kids aren't compatible on any level - the fighting is never ending.
Yours gets along most of the time - which is a good sign.
There is a 4 yr gap - your 11 yr old is closer to puberty and hanging out with a 7 yr old ALL the time is going to be a strain.
It's time for each to spend more time with friends their own age.
The breaks from being together will go a long way to helping them get along when they are together.

That's how I would handle it. I just say "Separ-a-t-e" or (yell if I have to) and they know that's the cue to take a break. It's like they just go that tad further than they would if it was a friend over. Or that's another cue I say "Too far" if I see one escalating things up a level - I'll just remind them that means I will be getting angry. It works (for the most part). I think it's hormones - them getting a bit older means that this sort of thing happens a bit more.

Added: My husband who is a nature guy, reminds me of those shows where you see the young males (animals) fighting to establish who is who and all that jazz. He says it was the same with him and his brother - trying to assert themselves, through play. I still don't care for it - so I say "take it outside" too whenever possible. Get that physical aggression out outside ..

Bravo for raising boys that like to spend time together that much. I am a little concerned about the age gap and the fighting, but not knowing your kids, it is hard to say if it is a problem. I agree with J.B. that putting the onus on the older kid is important since it is unlikely that he would get hurt and should also have the better understanding/control over the 7 yr old.

We have 6 kids, in 3 "groupings" (2 are 27/29, 2 are 20, 2 are 16/18), so I've dealt with fighting with kids the same age and kids with pretty big age differences. Over all, unless I am really afraid that someone is going to get hurt, I generally didn't interfere. They had to take it outside, of course, but other than that, I'd try to let them work it out. My experience was that the for the boys, they tended to see it as a solution to some perceived problem - we fight, we get over it, we move on. The girls - well, that was a different story. The fighting was much more emotionally driven and solved nothing . . . ever.

So, if you think that your 11 yr old would "pull his punches" if it really came down to it and your 7 yr old can pretty much hold his own, then I wouldn't get overly invested in it. We did get our boys boxing gloves so at least it seemed like the fighting was more "constructive" rather than just brawling. Often, when a fight would start, I'd holler to get their gloves and get outside, and by the time they did that, the fight was forgotten about, or they would just switch to boxing for fun. The one thing I didn't allow was tattling - the whole he said/he said thing. If they were going to fight, they couldn't complain to me about it or the outcome (obviously if someone was picking on or constantly starting something, that was different, but as a mom I think you know the difference between two kids having it out and one kid always being the bully).

Good luck - and enjoy these years! They might not be close for much longer and in some ways, fighting is the only physical expression some boys think they can show a brother.

I do separate my girls during times their fighting gets physical or it seems inevitable that it's moving in that direction. If there is an item (usually make up) they both are claiming belongs to them that is being fought over, I remove it from both of them. All the while I tell them a cooling down is needed for everyone, and tell them to go take their own space. Usually, they each retreat to their bedrooms, but if someone wants to leave the house, walk around the block, or go to a friend's house or whatever (they are older) that's fine too. They aren't able to glare at me or each other, because I don't allow them to be in the same room. I don't get into fact-finding missions or problem-solving when things are that heated, even as they try very hard to get me to go there. They will yell and argue and try to get me to blame the other one for the altercation, but I don't take sides, at all. They're both capable of instigating, pushing buttons, and even outright lying to get the other in trouble when emotions get high, so I don't even go there. I don't have a time limit, because usually what happens is they end up distracting themselves. They get busy with their own activities and don't really interact with each other until much later. The next day it's often blown over, as long as their both in a good mood. I don't punish them for fighting, because it's their relationship. I'm good, but still I can't know for hundred percent certain whose each and every sock, earring, and foundation belongs to. I have given consequences when I clearly see that one of them has taken something that belongs to the other. Like the time my older when into my younger's room when she was sleeping and took her phone charger out of her phone and used it for herself overnight. We took away her phone for that incident because we felt that was logical and deserved a related consequence.

I urge you NOT to just let them go at it and "see what happens". As a mother of boys who are grown now, I will tell you flat out that this NOT what you should allow. There is always one kid who is either physically stronger and will flex that strength farther than should be flexed, or harder psychologically than the other. And when both of those attributes belong to one boy, the other boy will ALWAYS suffer. And that feeling between them will last a lifetime.

BE THE BAD GUY. Take the glares, but don't allow the fighting. And pull the electronics for much longer. I mean it.

What would happen if you didn't end it and instead let them end it and see what happens? Will they eventually just let it go after both egos (and bodies) are hurt and move on....probably, right? I mean, if immediately after their separation they are wanting to play together again then I think it's just brothers being brothers. It's not that I condone violence or retribution or any of that, but siblings argue and wrestle and fight. My kids are a boy and a girl so I want to make clear that I'm not saying "boys will be boys" (because I hate that saying) but even they at ages 10 and 8 sometimes get into it and wrestle or push or argue and I *try* not to get involved every time. They have to figure out how to work it out.

I would maybe talk to them and just put it out there. Simply say listen guys, you love each other and you like playing together. Let's talk about what it looks like when you're having fun and what it looks like when it's not fun. Give them ways to problem solve and/or avoid confrontation. Tell them you aren't going to step in every time and they are going to have to figure out how make it work.

Other than that, yes I agree with those that said possibly some time apart might be in order. Also I notice that my kids fight more during the beginning of the school year when routines are changed and they are more tired than usual. Having some play dates with other kids and doing different activities after school for a few weeks might help...remember absence makes the heart grow fonder! ;)

You handle it exactly how I did my boys when they were younger. Mine are 3 1/2 years apart.

I'll be following this to see if anyone has other suggestions. You do what I do, and it's the same pattern in my house. My two younger boys are just under 2 years apart (ages 11 and 13) but the older of the two is a foot taller than the younger and 25 lbs heavier and strong as an ox so I put more of the onus on him to not retaliate if the younger one starts in on him. The younger one's fighting is a nuisance, the older fighting back can actually hurt him. With a big age gap between your boys and puberty around the corner, you will need to consider leaning more on your older son to disengage. At the end of the day most of the time I have no idea who started what so the consequences are equal but if I know that the older one didn't disengage and had the opportunity to do so - or outright started something with no provocation - he gets a tougher consequence.

And yes, they're right back together after too!

I agree with you about separating them when the fighting starts. What ever happened to saying "keep your hands to yourself, no hitting, use your words"? At what age is that no longer important...???

In a few years, the fighting "technique" for solving arguments outside the home could get them arrested!