How to Handle 11 Year Old Son Wanting Girlfriend?

My 11 year-old daughter has a friend in her class that has a boyfriend, which started us talking about how she is to young to engage in this type of relationship. We discussed how it is okay for her to hang out with boys and talk to them, but at her age, dating and especially kissing are just something she should not do. I stressed that when kids of her age start dating, then they start feeling pressured to do other things that are not age appropriate. We talked about all the reasons she should wait till she is at least 16 to start dating anyone (only time will tell how well this discussion is working). So far, my now 16 year-old has just starting kind of dating, but doesn't take dating to seriously; she has kissed a boy or two over this last year, but she has a clear understanding of what sex should mean and that it should be held off till she has at least gotten her diploma; again, we will see how it goes, but so far so good. I try to be very honest with my children and explain all the downfalls of being in a relationship at a young age. One point to make during your talk is that from age 18 to 100, they can have sex all they want, but for now, studying and getting a great job and beautiful house and a nice vehicle should be the most important goal for now. Let him hang out with the girls, but supervise to be sure there is no touchy-feely going on. I hope this helps, and if you want to talk more about how to get the discussions going or what to say, feel free to contact me. So far, what I'm doing seems to really be working and I hope it will continue till they graduate.

My 11 year old is not wanting a girlfriend yet, but we have talked about things like that for the last few years. I also know that one of his buddies has a girlfriend or at least one that he asked to be his girlfriend....

My take on it, is from my prospective being a single mom we have talked about what a boyfriend/girlfriend is and what type of friends people are. I started with asking my kids a couple years ago what they thought of the person I had been seeing off and on and that he was someone I cared about and wanted in our lives and part of the family, which didn't work.

However with people because my daughter wants me to find a man, and my son wants me to be happy. With the person I am seeing now I have talked to the kids about types of friends, and that if you have a friend that you care about, that is great, but is that a person that is a spend the night care about person. Is that just someone that might be just a coffee and movie type of friend and relate it to relationships they are familiar with. Their father and I have also had several talks with both kids about sex and appropriate touching and what is not appropriate and how to hopefully relate it to them.

Talk to him don't forbid it or make him think it is taboo, that will only make it more appealing.

Good luck; but remember he is growing up and this is an older situation, if you want him behaving like an adult in an adult situation treat him like one.

Chelle E

I would stress that it is okay to have the relationships but with boundaries. This is the age that boys and girls outgrow "cooties" and they are curious. Look at the young adult shows - all of them are starting to have interest in girls/ boys.

Do you have a male friend or family member he is close to? It sounds like this is a time that he could use some influence from both you and him.

Relationships should be okay as long as nothing becomes of it. (holding hands, hugs and hanging out is what I would expect at this age. Nothing more.)

I had a boyfriend when I was 10. We never went out or anything but he was my boyfriend :) It is harmless at this age but please be honest with him. Talk to him about relationships and how wonderful it is that he is getting out of his shyness and talking to girls!!

Well, the very first thing I would do is to start validating his feelings. The worst thing you can do is tell him his feelings are wrong, or that he is too young, or that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Why not tell him that it's nice that he is noticing girls and that God made boys and girls to notice each other but there are boundaries to be respected.

This is a perfectly natural time to start being open and honest with him...or you could belittle him and cause him to tell you nothing!

~L.

I just started reading a book called Bringing Up Geeks (Gunuine, Enthusiastic, Empowered Kids) how to protect your kid's childhood in a grow-up-too-fast world by Marybeth Hicks, it addresses situations just like this. I HIGHLY recommend it!
Blessings K.