How to Get My 11 Yr Old Boy to Keep His Room Clean

Good details from Elena B. below.

You can't ask him to do what you do not, and you can't expect him to have a skill you and your husband don't model. Children learn by example.

So, pick a weekend, and declutter/downsize. Pick a room and all 3 of you work on that together. Get free boxes from the local liquor store and print out signs that say "donate" "recycle" and "keep." The "Donate" signs can be further broken down by charity: books can go to the library if they raise money thru book sales, clothes and knick knacks can go to places like Big Brother/Big Sister (I like them because they pick up at the garage!) or a thrift shop, winter clothing could go immediately to a local immigrant assistance group (thousands of people without power for 4 months in Puerto Rico are relocating in desperation to the US mainland, and they are freezing! Same with household items, kitchen stuff, etc.), and so on. If you think you have the energy for a yard sale when the weather gets warmer, and if you have garage or basement space to store stuff, you can make a category for that as well.

Be ruthless. If you haven't used a kitchen item in a year, get rid of it. If you haven't worn a clothing item in a year, get rid of it. Never mind if maybe you'll just lose 20 pounds or if you "might need it someday" - it's causing you stress! If you loved a book but really don't have time to read it again, let someone else enjoy it. If you're motivated to read it again someday, get it through the interlibrary loan instead of buying new books.

I don't know what kind of toy cabinet your son has, but if it's just a big mess in there, get some clear storage bins that will fit on the shelves (if there are some) or get a cheap shelf unit to put inside a big closet. Label things on the end of the bin: Cars, Legos, Puzzles, etc. Get a book organizer at the office supply store so books don't fall over - sometimes one with multiple vertical dividers is better than a set of regular bookends.

In his dresser, put dividers or even shoe boxes with the lids removed. Sweat/athletic socks go in one, black socks in another, navy socks in another (use part of the lid to divide a shoe box into 2 sections. Put another box in there for underwear/boxers. Everybody should watch a video on folding shirts/sweatshirts and storing vertically so you can open a drawer and see everything you have at once (versus stacking them so you can only see what's on top). Put hooks inside the closet doors - bedroom door for belts and bathrobe and pajamas that can be worn again. Put hooks in the hall closet for backpacks, pocketbooks, scarves, etc. Put a nice basket by whatever door you use to come in and out - that holds gloves, hats, scarves that no one wants to put away because they'll be needed shortly.

Put a shoe rack in bedroom closets. Put one or at least a shoe/boot tray by the exit door. Put a hamper in your son's closet (or a mesh laundry bag on a hook inside the door). You can consider putting a towel rack on the back of the bedroom door if you don't think he can manage to get his wet towel back to the bathroom.

Get some of those no-slip hangers so that stuff hung up doesn't slide off.

Get 6 small laundry baskets, 2 of each color, so each of you has your own color. When laundry is done, it gets folded and put in the correct basket for that person, who then takes it to their room/dresser and (gasp!) puts it away! The second set of baskets remains in the laundry room. When dirty laundry comes downstairs, so do the empty laundry basket.

Everyone learns to do laundry. Everyone learns to load, run and unload the dishwasher. When my husband and I unload, we stand on opposite sides and put away the stuff that goes in the cabinets/drawers closest to us. I hand stuff to him on occasion, and he to me. It makes the job go faster. Many hands make light work.

Start taking luxuries out of your son's room once you and your husband model the right behaviors. No electronics, phones, computers or anything else until the basics are taken care of. Responsibilities before privileges.

Every day your son comes from his room to the kitchen, he should be bringing something: his trash, his recycling, his dirty laundry, etc. Nobody ever comes empty-handed!

Start a "lost & found" bin for stuff YOU have to clean up. Stray shoes, lunch boxes, athletic gear, phone, book, backpack, permission slip for the field trip, etc. Put a bunch of cardboard strips in an envelope taped to the outside: these are Job Strips like "scrub toilet" and "vacuum den" and "dust living room tables/bookshelves" and "set table" and "take out trash from bathrooms." Any time someone wants to retrieve a lost item from the bin, they have to do a job first. Stop finding his lost stuff for him and make him do the work. Once it's done, he can start to earn back electronics or trips to the mall or rides to the movies.

the best leaders, lead by example. You say you and hubby are not the best at keeping your room clean, so he's just following your lead. Personally, I would not be able to get on my child about keeping a clean room if I didn't.

If his room is small, I would switch out the big bed for one that is more appropriately sized for the room. Take out the book case and hand shelves on the wall for books. Get some underbed storage containers for some of his toys.

One way is to simply remove the stuff! Simplify. Minimize. Partly temporarily, of course.

Reduce to the bare essentials for a time. School clothing, of course, and a pair of pajamas or two, an outfit for relaxing (sweatpants or jeans, a shirt), and a small supply of clean underwear and socks.

Store the toys in a bin (plastic, covered) for now, in an area that is inaccessible to your son. Remove the books, except for school-necessary ones, and maybe one or two for reading.

A desk for homework, a reading lamp, a bed with a blanket and pillow (no superhero comforters or extra pillows), and a small place to store schoolwork, backpack, and a couple of items.

If there are any electronics (video games, tablet, phone), disable wi-fi and password protect it. Remove any controllers (lock them in the trunk of your car, or take them to your workplace).

Don't get angry. Don't flip out. Simply and calmly tell him that you're making things easier for him to get control of, for a short period of time. Not forever. Remind him that school is his job, in the same way that you have a job. You're not punishing him, you're just responding to the way he treats his possessions. If you, for example, have a job that requires staying up-to-date on filing or paperwork, and you didn't do it thoroughly, your boss could demote you to a job where there weren't so many responsibilities (and less pay, and fewer benefits and hours). It's a basic equation. Responsibility equals privileges. Lack of responsibility equals fewer privileges. And in this case, your son's privileges are toys, and "too much stuff". Common sense must be re-introduced to the way you and your child operate. That's a good thing! Remind him that if he learns to take care of his "stuff", he will eventually earn cool stuff, like a smart phone in a year or two. Or that bike that he wants. But NOT until he can take care of what he already has.

Then, evaluate the things you've removed. For example, did you take away a toy that your son has not seen or played with in months, or even a year? Did he even know it was in that pile of stuff in his room? Did he even miss that toy? Give those kinds of things away, or sell them if they're significant. If it's a beloved toy that gets a lot of his attention, just remove it and store it carefully until his habits improve. If he has too many things that he just loves, consider rotating things. Bin A gets moved in his room for spring and summer. Bin B for fall and winter. Evaluate the clothing, too. Has he not worn that t shirt since you can remember? Donate it.

Of course, you're going to have to demonstrate more responsibility yourselves. Show your son that this is a team effort. More care given to possessions, more responsibility for possessions, more self-control.

And don't say things like "we're going to stop being so messy" or "I've decided you're not going to be so messy anymore". Make it positive. "Today, we're going to make your room a more pleasant place to be." "We're all going to take better care of ourselves and our home."

Time to clean out what he has outgrown (clothes, toys and books) and what he doesn't play with. Pare down, a lot!

When you get rid of stuff, it makes so much difference. He is a bit young to do all the cleaning himself. I highly recommend that in the next 2 years you start teaching him to wash his clothes. I started by having my kids hang up and put away their clean clothes. I stood there with them until it was done. Then it became their job to take the clothes out of the washer and put them in the dryer and get them out of the dryer and put them away. By the time they were 13, I was teaching them how to wash the clothes. Washing is the most difficult, so I saved it for last.

It's "work" for you at first because they take time to learn and don't really want to do it. But it instills a sense of responsibility and understanding that they have to help out the family with chores. Even if you weren't both working, your child needs to learn to take care of his things.

Just remember that he's still young and you do need to be a part of the process with him.

Can you remove the book case and toy cabinet? Are they just holding or storing a bunch of stuff he doesn't use regularly? Maybe you need storage space, (like a basement family room area or closet or attic) in a different area of your home for books and toys, out-of-season clothes and items, etc. Just because the things belong to your son doesn't mean they all have to be crammed into his bedroom. I would start by asking him to gather all the things he no longer needs/wants (toys, books, clothes, etc) for donation. I think it's OK if you do this with him. Then get some of the stuff he wants to save but doesn't use every day out of his bedroom. Each of my kids has a "save" box for memorabilia. If you have significantly reduced "stuff" in there, it will be more relaxing for him, and easier to keep clean too

you can't expect this young fellow to master a skill that's not modeled for him.

even if you were super-neat, it wouldn't be unusual for an 11 year old boy to be messy.

start with your last statement. if he has too much stuff, he's obviously overwhelmed. help him pare it down to a spartan minimalism. if there's stuff he doesn't need but to which he has an emotional attachment, store it for him in the basement or attic. let him switch out toys, but only if he benches the same number so his room doesn't become cluttered again.

then help him, just a little, every week. are you telling him 'clean your room' or are you telling him 'today i want your bed made and your toys organized. tomorrow you dust your shelves and vacuum, so make sure the floor is clear.'

when my boys were this age, we too were super busy, both working parents and no one (except my poor husband) very focused on housekeeping. what also works, if you're not really willing to model the behavior yourself (i wasn't) is to close the door and let him keep his space however he wants. dive into it every few months with him, but don't sweat it inbetween.

the bottom line is not to expect your tween to hold to standards the entire family isn't.
khairete
S.

One thing that some below responses touch on is the concept that "school is his job".

Especially now, in his middle school years, he needs to develop a "home office". For his very important job (studying/homework), which will only get more intense in the next few years.

If he does not have a separate "homework room", you really need to clear out his bedroom to turn it into a good homework environment. He will be in high school soon! The book case is fine, but other than that, a bed and a desk and good lighting might be all he needs.

Keep the bed and desk - take out everything else.
An empty room is easy to keep clean.

I think the first thing is to sort through items that are no longer played with or used. Too much stuff in too small of a space would be difficult for even the most organized person to overcome, let alone an 11 yr old boy.

Once all the extra stuff is out of his room, decide what you can live with and what you can't. Our rules were no dirty dishes or food, I had to see the floor to vacuum once a week, and bedding was changed out by them once a week. Other than that, I didn't get TOO worked up about how clean their rooms were. Generally by following the above rules, that stopped the room of smelling like dead monkey farts the majority of the time and kept the rats at bay :) If I had to do any of the above things because they were too lazy to do it, I billed them at $20/hr to do it. Came right out of their bank account. Loss of money is a really great motivator!

Oh, I never "helped" my kids clean at 11 other than when we were doing a major clean out of stuff. They are totally capable of stripping/making a bed and picking up dirty laundry at that age.

Good luck!

So, are you his maid? Do you do it for him if he just doesn't do it? What happens?

If you are doing it for him then why should he change anything?

Point is this. It's his room, let him keep it how he wants it. BUT invite his friends over for playdate/hanging out/whatever but he needs peer pressure to happen when they see what a filthy pig he is.

He will clean his own room when his friends tell him he's a pig and they don't want to come over.

Let it go.

I would also give him the opportunity to have a place he can put anything he doesn't want. Whether it's the brand new game system he got for Christmas or a mountain of old toys. He needs a place to put things that will be donated or sold. If he wants to sell things then pay someone to clean his room I'm good with that too. Out girl wanted to go to a thing with her best friend. I told her that her room, including closet, drawers, and under the bed, had to be clean to my point of clean or she couldn't go.

Her room was more than she could manage. So she asked if she could earn money to hire someone to help. I said yes, my friend that helps us every now and then needed money to buy her son a birthday present. So I let her put an ad post on FB that she needed to earn some extra money and would people let her do things for them to earn money.

So...yes, she really did go work for other people so she wouldn't have to clean her own room, yes, that really happened...lol.

She earned about $50 and gave it to this friend of mine. It took this lady about 3 hours to clean the room. Of course I had laundry to do but I made our girl go through every single item and try it on, she had to put it on and come in and show me how it fit.

We got rid of over half her clothing by doing this. We also got rid of most of her shoes. She had some BMX trophies and kept them. She'd love to ride again but when she outgrew her Redline bike, helmet, and other gear we sold it all.

My point is that I gave her options and she chose her path. I'd have rather cleaned my own room and worked for people to earn money then had my cake and eat it too.

Let your child have the natural consequences of not cleaning his own room.

I have one kid who is a slight hoarder. This one is allergic to dust. Go figure.

So - we minimize. It's not easy.

For clothes, we installed hooks. I am lucky if stuff gets hung up on the hooks, but there is far greater chance of clothes getting put there than folded away or hung on a hanger. So I would suggest a bar of hooks.

For belongings - minimize. If it helps, just take them out of his room. I had huge totes (like Rubbermaid) in our garage and unfinished basement (at the time), and in our rec room. So there was Nerf Gun one, etc. Same with Lego. My Lego kid had his finished models in his room, but the rest was in a tub (kind of neatly) in rec room. Sports stuff out of room, except for medals, etc.

I have only one kid who is a neat freak. So some of this may be learned from you, but some is personality.

We tend to do big cleanups and I try to make it as un-horrible as possible - one kid vacuums, one kid empties the garbages, one kid grabs the laundry from each other's rooms ... for short periods of time but regularly. It works somewhat.

Where he has an allergy, I just expect him to keep it relatively clean - I still go in and do the huge wash down of his room regularly. I will clear off everything - and then it goes in a laundry basket. He has to sort and put back say half of what is in there. I do this maybe once a month. It keeps it manageable.

Fairly common I would think. All my friends/siblings had same issue.