How to Get Grandma to Listen to Us??

T.:
Grandmothers will always let the kids get away with stuff that we as parents don't. As a parent we need to let them know that there are certain structures that we are instilling during this most impressionable stage of development. You need her to comply or she will need to wait to see her until these bad habits pass. With no disrespect to her, in turn she must respect you wishes...after all it is your child and you have her full time for a lifetime...Grandparents just get visits then the kids go home.
Good Luck
L.

Hi T. G. If your child and grandmother loves each other soo much, I do not understand why the problem. First the child need to know that she is supposed to behave the same where-ever she go the way she behaves at home and that should not change. let her know that she will not be seeing grandmom as often if she do not behave after visits or during visits, also let grandmom know this also. I had to teach my grandson this he lives with me. Whenever he visits his grandpa he will come home all rude and misbehaving, until one day I told him that all visit will be discontinued if he do that again. I have seen the change in him. When he comes back he tells me what a well behave boy he had been at grandpa's. When the child grows up and have a rep. for bad behaviour this will not be a reflection on grandmom but on you parents. This have to be fixed now while the child is young. A lot of people try to be friends rather than adults, without relizing that they can be both without being taken advantage of. I pray that you find a solution to this problem.

T., I have an uncle who coddles my oldest daughter. He has undermined my authority and it has caused a great deal of friction. I know this sounds harsh but what I had to do was be harsh with my uncle. Since it is your husband's mother, your husband needs to back you up 100 % and a talk must take place between all of you. Try to do this calmly but you need to be firm. Since this is occuring in your mother in law's home, she feels that she is entitled to do whatever she wants. If she continues to defy the rules that you and your husband set for her to follow, then will have to make a decision, one that your mother in law may not like. You need to be firm that if she cannot respect what you and your husband have asked to to do ( or not do) with your daughter, then overnight visits will stop and other visits may have to be supervised with either you or your husband. I know you may be thinking that this is not going to go well. It may or may not. Bottom line is that your daughter is your daughter. How you want her to behave and to be looked after by other family members is important enough to put your foot down. The problem I had with my family is the amount of gifts they gave to each child at birthdays, holidays, etc. (I have 3 children) and when one child gets 19 gifts for Christmas and the other two get "a few," I had to put my foot down and demand that each child get no more than 1 gift a piece. It was an ongoing battle for 6 years! I had gotten tired of asking nicely because nobody seemed to be listening to me and obviously, what I was asking was not respected. You need to do what is right for you and your family. Good luck. Dealing with family is hard.

Is the grandmother her main caretaker when you two are at work or does your child visit a lot? It's very frustrating when grandma or aunts/other family members have different views on how to deal with children. I say if they refuse to respect your wishes they are being just plain DISRESPECTFUL and SELFISH. My mother does the same thing.

Not only are the grandmothers hurting US by being selfish and disrespectful to our wishes, they are hurting the children. Being grandma is one thing but allowing the child to be in control and willy nilly is another. Our visits to grandma's are becoming fewer. Either she'll learn or we will be cutting down on the the bad influence. I think this is the only way.

I feel your pain! Good luck!

I'm not sure if you can get grandma to change her ways...
you can try by holding a Family Meeting- make an appointment/meeting time to actually sit w/ her and grandpa, you & your husband to discuss issues. Come to the table (really! sit at a table!) with an outline of what you want to cover- maybe pick one or two things that are
'non-negotiables' and then the rest...

after this, if she doesn't stick to it, I don't think that your daughter is too young to understand that there are different rules for different places...So maybe at grandma's house she can sleep w/ grandma, but YOU are the mommy & your husband is THE DADDY and when she's at YOUR HOUSE she will SLEEP IN HER OWN BED. the end. she can cry, have a tantrum, whatever. but she will see you mean business...

HTH
~L.

That's an easy one. Stop letting your daughter go to grandma's house, until grandma complies with your rules. She's your daughter so you set the standards. Grandma either does as you want or she doesn't get her grandma privileges.

Hi T.! That definitely is a tough situation. I agree with Julie in that you have to lay down the rules, and if your mother-in-law will not abide by them, then she will not have the privilege of spending time, or at least alone time, with your daughter. It is just too much to ask a little girl to understand that she is allowed to act one way here, and another way there. The biggest suggestion I can make is to see a family therapist, with your hubby, for one visit..explain the situation, then bring your mom-in-law for a session. I know you said she gets sensitive..well, for some people, acting sensitive is a technique that they use to get people to back down. She is a 60 (ish) year old woman...she is an adult, and needs to act like an adult in this situation, and do what is best, ultimately, for your little girl. Good luck!!!!! I have had some issues with people in concerns to my daughter as well, and my mom gave me some really good advice. Of course you don't want to upset or offend anyone, but you have a job now, and it is to parent your little girl. That is your #1 priority. If you are doing your best for your daughter, and offend someone along the way, then so be it. They will get over it...you need to stand up for what is best for your child. I hope this helps.
A. :)

Grandma is the problem. If your daughter was hanging around someone who did drugs, would you let her continue hanging with that person? NO. What about someone who swore and stole? Probably not. Grandma is no different. She goes against your beleifs of how you are raising your child.

My mom had her own "ideas" of "how the kids could be" at grandmas house. I told her that if she continued to go against my parenting style the girls could not come over any more. She told me she was my mother and it was her right as a grandmother to spoil the kids. And I told her it was my right at their mother to ensure they are safe and loved and, most of all, a part of something that is in thier best interest. So for a month my kids did not see thier grandmother. Then one day she realized that they were my kids and yes, what I say goes. We had a talk with the girls (then 6 and 3) and told them that being at grandma's is just like being at home, same rules. It never happened again.

Make a decision, you are the parent. Your parents should repsect that or, well it is your choice whether you let your kids visit unsupervised or not.

Here's the thing, if you leave them unsupervised and you KNOW that grandma is not complying to your wishes, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Think about it.

B.
Family Coach
www.TheYummyMomy.com

I feel for you, that is rough. I have been stern from the beginning with the family about those type of issues. I know it is hard but you just have to be clear and firm in what you guys want as parents for your child. If they don't want to comply then you need to cut back visiting until they do. They need to understand you (the parents) are suffering from this behavior, this not not how you want your child to behave and you feel it is inappropriate for her to sleep with them, because when she comes home it causes problems for you. Maybe you can find a grandparents book for them, like a guide. I know it sounds harsh and easier said than done, but you have to do it. I have know problem saying something is not right or that I don't want my son doing something in front of the grandparents now. I amke sure he is disciplined around them so they know certain behaviors are not excepted. So by them allowing her to act that way they are causing her to be disciplined more often, they need to know that. You and your husband need to be on the same page with them and not back down, Good Luck! www.DiscoveryToysLink.com/LisaRyan LisaM

Well, this is quite difficult, but if you don't put a stop to it, it will be worse.....the best thing you can do since it seems you and your hubby are in agreement...is to tell his mother that you will not be bringing your daughter over there unless things change and MEAN it.......it's the only way............sorry.