How to Get 4-Year-old off of Baby?

Hi M.,

I have a four month old baby girl and a 21/2 year old big girl. We were in the same boat. My oldest is always smothering the baby, "feeding her", kissing her, hugging her, "teaching her" and "playing with her"! Although precious, everyone needs space. The only thing that has worked for us is to put into place the "alone time blankie". We explained to my daughter that everyone, including her and the baby needed alone time. We picked a special blanket and told her that when the baby was on the blanket she had to stay off it. The blanket is big enough that the baby can roll around, squirm and be free from sissy for a while. This works well because my oldest daughter understands this boundry, and is happy she can still see and interact with the baby. As the baby has gotten bigger, we use the blanket less and less, but still use it for tummy time or when the oldest is really going after the baby. I use it for about thirty minutes at a time. Long enough to give the baby a break and settle down the oldest.

We had tried the pack n play, but the baby didn't care for it. We tried the bouncy, but my oldest loves bouncing baby. We tried the swing, same thing. We tried putting them in seperate rooms, that ovbiously didn't work! For us this has been a life saver. My oldest daughter doesn't feel like she has done something wrong when the blanket comes out (and she shouldn't because she just loves baby), she can still see and interact with the baby, and the baby gets a break.

Good luck!

Obviously you have tried a lot of things, so I don't know if this will help or not, but I hope it does. Have you demonstrated how to give the baby a hug? You could limit the number of hugs or tell him that you need a hug everytime he gives one to the baby (so that you could be alerted when he does it and to distract him). You could tell him that you need your biggest boy to help bring things to take care of him and to protect him from getting hurt by other people or toys. Maybe if he is the protector, he will be more aware. Good luck!

I have an in-home daycare and at one point I had two infants (ages 2 months and 9 months) and the other four children were ages 2 and older.

Each day when the babies were having tummy time or play time on the floor, I would have to sit on a blanket with the babies and "show" the older children how to handle and not handle the babies. This took a few weeks, but eventually everyone learned what was allowed. The blanket was off limits to the children, they were not allowed to walk, sit or play on it if the babies were on it.

My three year old is still pretty hands on and can take care of those babies like you wouldn't belive, but I just gently remind her to use nice hands and "show" her how to touch the babies gently. One item that I did purchase that has helped us out is the multi-colored play yard. Each panel is a different color and it is in the shape of a hexagon. The older children are not allowed to climb into the play yard if the babies are in it. I hope this helps:)

Hi AO,

I think it's great your son want to show such love for your new baby.

I work with plenty of 4 yo's at my school (I'm an OT), and one of the "skills" they work on is self-control. 4 year olds are very capable of grasping this concept, but they have to be taught: given guidance by adults.

I think you can see your son is not there yet, and he's a very real hazard to your tiny one.

May I suggest you set a specific time-period (maybe 3 to 5 days), in which you son is allowed no where near the baby. Tell him he's too rough on the baby, and is not allowed to play near, hold, or touch him.

*This is NOT a punishment. This is a lesson in self-control. Stick to your guns, and keep the 4 year old away from the baby for the time you decide.

When he asks to be near the baby, re-explain he is too rough. That's it, no big production: just matter-of-fact.

After the time period is over, give your 4 year old some short, monitored time periods around the baby. ONE instance of being too rough, means back to zero-contact. At his age, he needs clear boundaries, which you are teaching him.

Sorry, this is a lot of work. I spend a lot of time holding boundaries with my 3 yo all day - every day.

Good luck to you!
T

I think part of it is the attention and reaction he gets from you. So maybe try to handle it nonemotionally with few words and make sure you're getting plenty of special one-on-one time together at other times. It's really hard to balance it all, especially when you have more than one kid! I have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old and I always feel like there's not enough of me to go around because I wish I could give my oldest the attention he used to get, but I also feel bad that my youngest will never have all my attention like her older brother did when he was a baby.

I can just tell you that when my son is acting out or being a little more difficult, his behavior dramatically changes for the better when my husband or I make some special time to play with him. It could be as easy as 15 minutes of playing cars together (or whatever he wants) while the baby is napping. Just make sure you do it regularly and hopefully it will prevent the unwanted behavior before it starts because his needs are met. So good luck! If you find out how to balance this on top of making sure the baby is taken care of, the house is clean, dinner is made, your marriage gets adequate time and attention, and your own needs are taken care of (and dare I mention exercise or volunteering?) let me know!!! It sure seems never ending, doesn't it? But then all the older women I know say it all goes by so quickly and you just wish you could hold your babies again just for a moment. So I try to cherish the insanity while I have it! :) I just wish I could push pause sometimes and soak up my babies because they really grow so quickly. I can't believe my baby is already 1. But they play so well together now that she interacts so much more, so hold on because that's around the corner for you hopefully.