How to Encourage Kids to Tell the Truth!!

I have a major rule my daughter has known about since she was three. It goes like this:

If she says to me
"I want to tell you something but I'm afraid you'll get mad"
then I'm automatically not allowed to get angry if I ask her what she wants to say.

It sounds really simple but it works. If I think she's trying to lie her way out of a situation I'll gently remind her of the rule, and 99 times out of 100 she'll come clean right away. Then I don't get mad. At all. Instead I ask her how we are going to fix the problem and we fix it together.

I hope hope hope this rule is still in place when she's a teenager, because I really want her to know that she doesn't need to lie or hide difficult situations from me and her dad, because we'll always help her fix her problems and not be angry.

ETA: It's not about the toys.

Honestly, if they can't take care of their toys then they don't deserve them. TELL them that. When they break a toy, simply say, oh that's too bad, you broke it and now it's gone. Throw it in the garbage and walk away. If they are the kind of kids that ask for new toys all the time let them know: when they can show they take care of what they already have they can earn back the right to new toys (I have done something similar with my teen daughter to get her to take better of her clothes.)
As far as lying, this is typical. Kids lie to stay out of trouble, plain and simple. Punishing them for it just makes them better at it. Focus on praising them every time they are honest with you, even over little things.

The link Dana K gave you had a very interesting article; most especially the idea that praising honesty is the best way to address lying. Our son sometimes tests boundaries with lying and I've always told my son how much I am glad when he tells me the truth. Even when I'm really unhappy with what he did, I'm far more willing to just let him make amends for the problem instead of losing privileges, which is what happens when we lie.

By the way, this doesn't mean threatening him that I'll take away a privilege, not at all. This does mean that if we find out that he's been lying, there is some sort of consequence to make amends. Let's say that I was looking for something he'd hidden for fun-- he might have to make up the time to me by doing chores. Or if he'd broken something and denied it: there might be a limit to what sort of access he had to that item.

And I never, ever set him up TO lie. If I know he did something, I'll just state the facts. When there's more than one kid and I don't know WHO did whatever was problematic, I state the facts "I see there is water on the floor" and then the natural consequence "well, we will all need to get towels and clean it up. It looks like we aren't handling water play right now, so we'll need to go do something else, this is done." This strategy can be applied to nearly everything: remove the problem item ( "I see we aren't being safe with scissors, so we are all done with them for the day." etc) Interestingly, when the fun is taken away from both/all the kids, kids who were quiet will pop up with "So and so did it" because they are peeved that they are missing out as well. This isn't so much a way to get kids to tattle on each other, but more to say "your lying didn't help you out anyway, this fun is still going to end now".

Out and out lies to avoid punishment or duplicity (ask mom, don't like the answer, go ask dad) still mean that privileges are lost. Whether you lie, hit, steal or are rude and disrespectful, privileges are for kids who are showing helpfulness, good self-care and responsibility. If you are making a problem for the adults, no privileges. (in our house, it's media time)Pretty simple.

Wow, you really sound irate.

Maybe you need to try another route.

How about rewarding them for telling the truth?

I don't mean necessarily material rewards (boy, could that ever blow up!). But make sure they get the attention they want for being truthful, not for being untruthful. "Jennie, thank you so much for telling me the truth about the broken toy. I appreciate it so much. You are some smart girl!" Make it short and sweet, but very positive and - need I say? - truthful.

If Jennie broke her brother Ralph's toy, take her aside *privately* and make arrangements with her about asking her brother's forgiveness and making things right somehow. Rewarding should be public; chastising should be private.

I have learned from experience that telling a child what a liar he/she is actually encourages him/her to lie. Children tend to live up to what the grownups say about them.

If something happens and you don't put the kids in corners but just clean it up, they might be shocked! They might ask you if you care about who did it. Then you might say, "Of course I care. I hope you all will tell me the truth about it." Then go on cleaning up the mess. As has already been mentioned, purposely broken toys within the family don't need to be replaced. "Too bad - it looked like a nice one. Well, that's the way it happens when folks work hard at breaking things." No lectures. They'll get the point.

If you consider the matter, you want them to be truthful because it's the right way to be, not just because Mama is going to be furious at them. You want to send them the message you want them to receive.

Suppose the toy belongs to someone outside the family, and really does need to be replaced? Replacing something broken is not a punishment; it's a reasonable, just consequence. "Thanks for telling me about that broken car. You know, Timmy ought to be given a car to replace the one that you broke. We'll find out how much it will cost, and I'll help you with the money if it's too much for your piggy bank. That's the way real grownups make things right."

This all may seem pretty mushy. But you want to make it clear to your little ones that truth-telling will be honored (even if there are consequences) and it has nothing to do with Mama's anger. Young children don't have all that straightened out in their heads yet.

If a toy gets broken - the natural consequence is that the toy is gone and doesn't get replaced.
Too bad - so sad - bummer - it's gone!
No need to interrogate and punish based on who says what.
They are at the point where you are not going to believe them no matter what they say - so don't ask for the truth and they will tell you no lies.
It seems they don't value their stuff.
So don't go out of your way to give them more stuff until such time as they show you an aptitude for taking good care of what they have.

I think situations like that sometimes come about because the kids feel like they will be punished either way (for lying, or for breaking the toy), and they feel like the punishment for lying isn't as bad as the punishment for breaking the toy. I think if you try to approach the situation in a calm way, and say something like, "Wow, I see that this toy was broken. Can you tell me what happened?" rather than "WHO BROKE THIS?!" you have a better chance of getting a truthful answer. If one of them says, "Well, I was throwing it, and it hit the wall, and broke," then at that point you could say, "Can you think of a way to keep that from happening next time?... Do you think it's a good idea to throw toys?... What could happen if you threw a toy like that, and it hit someone?" Try to get them to think about what happened in such a way that they might pause before doing the same thing next time. We all make mistakes, and kids make them more often than adults, because they're still learning about the world. The trick is to get them to learn from their mistakes, rather than punishing them for making the mistake in the first place. (Unless the act was intentional and meant to cause harm, obviously.)

And really, your next step, regardless of who broke it, is to say, "Well, it's broken, so I'll have to throw it away. It's kind of sad to have to throw away a fun toy because someone didn't take care of it. Oh well." And then into the garbage it goes. Pretty soon, the kids will realize that it's better just to take care of the things they love so they get to keep them and play with them!

If they break their toys, then don't replace them.

I have to say, if your kids are lying and breaking things all the time, you are doing something wrong as a parent. I think it's possible you are too punitive with them.

I think you need to lighten up about lying and toy breaking. They are only 4 and 6 -- this isn't criminal behavior. Stop punishing them until they "confess." Laugh and have fun with them. If they break a toy, say, "Oh well, I guess you don't have that toy any more," and then go wash the dishes or something.

When you start acting like a more loving, less punitive parent, they will probably stop lying and breaking things. Sorry if I'm reading this situation wrong.

In my house you come clean you are not punished, we just fix the problem. If it is a broken toy it can't be fixed but now they don't have a toy. If I discover something on my own you are punished. If you lie to get out of that discovery your punishment is doubled. Never had to double a punishment, barely had punish because the only time they didn't come to me is when they forgot.

What I had noticed is if I don't know about things right away, say spilled milk, it is far worse when it find it because it is generally the stink that draws me to the mess. So you get mom I spilled milk. You aren't supposed to have milk in your room. Lets get this cleaned up. They cleaned, I supervised. If you keep it in the kitchen it is easier to clean up, that is why I have that rule.

And moving on

Next time they considered taking milk in their room they considered how hard it was to clean up, generally it wasn't worth it so they drank quick in the kitchen. Kids can make good decisions.

If you can take all their toys away and they don't notice for three months you couldn't possibly have taken everything away. It is also a very good indicator they have too much. What ever they played with for that three months, that is all they need and what you need to take away if you are inclined to punish.

You should STOP doing this because there is plenty of research to show that it is completely ineffective. When you punish children for lying, they become better liars. This is true even in cultures where lying has way bigger risks (like having your hand amputated) than sitting in a corner. Please look at the link below. It is fascinating and will help you a lot.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1122...

Stop punishing them, and they will stop trying to avoid punishment.

Check out aha parenting, with dr laura markham.

Don't ask who broke the toy. Just refuse to replace it. When they run out of toys, they will stop breaking them and learn to appreciate new ones when someone gives them one.

http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/lying.html

Try rewarding the one that tells the truth. Punishment isn't working so try giving them an incentive for being honest.

BTW, they are still developing their morality until much later so lying isn't so much "I'm going to tell a lie to get out of trouble" it's more about disappointing mom and dad. They are really young to be getting this much punishment for not being honest plus they may still be hunting for the words to do tell you what happened.

Step back and try to see the why, the what developmental stage are they in, and stuff like that. It makes stuff so much clearer.

If they won't be honest, tell them they will both get into trouble. But you also want to teach them to not tattle because that will get them into trouble at school. If they can't play together without breaking things, then separate them. That way if something gets broken, you will know who did it. Don't let them be alone until they can tell the truth or not break toys so often. I use the whole "God is watching" line with my son and it works very well. I have used "Santa is watching and knows the truth" also. He always has changed his tune after I said those things. Maybe a bad choice of words on my part, but it gets him to confess! LOL Good luck :)

I love Molly O.'s response. I think I'm going to try to teach that phrase to my own kids.

I simply tell my kids that I really don't like lying and I love them. But I love them MORE when they tell me the truth.

My rule is that if they do something bad they may get a punishment, but if they come clear right away it will be light, if they lie about it however the punishment will be 3 times worse. And I always follow through on this, making sure they know what the punishment would have been had they been honest compared to what they are getting.

In our home, lying is the WORST offense possible. When the kids have done something wrong, they most often come clean immediately because not coming clean gives them a much worse punishment.

So we will discuss the issue if they tell us the truth, but if they lie, the punishment is pretty rough.

Sitting in a corner is not going to do it. Start getting on their level, explain to them the punishment for lying and the punishment for the problem if they tell the truth. For example...if your child does something and they lie, they lose something they love for the rest of the day. If they tell the truth, it's a discussion and maybe a small break.

All we have to do now is remind our kids that the lying punishment is 100% worse than what will happen if they are honest with us and they rarely lie. It's just not worth it for them and saves us the battle you are going through.

http://www.overthebigmoon.com/an-object-lesson-for-kids-o...

I saw this a while back, and liked it. :)

with my daughter i will do the same. she can stand with her nose on the wall till she is ready to come clean. let them break their toys then what will they have if all their toys are broken and in the garbage. dont buy more. if they want a new toy they need to pay for it. my 7 year old daughter does chores. she gets $1 from every adult in the house ($3 a week) if she wants a new toy or something thats not a needed item she has to buy it. if i catch her in a lie she looses her electronic and tv privileges.

Having trouble with "they break toys on purpose" thing.
Offer 5 minutes of amnesty, then pitch the toy.
I don't think you want to encourage the tattling thing.
Talk to them separately. Tell them to tell you the truth. Tell them you'll be happy to hear it. And let them know the outcome will be the same--toy is gone.