How to Deal with the Lose of a Loved One & How Long Will I Feel This Way??

I saw this earlier and wanted to write something I recently lost my father. It was actually last May, but it is still very fresh. I let my kids see me cry so that they see it is ok to be sad. I also was given a book by my mom called, "What is Heaven Like?" by Beverly Lewis. It was to me for my kids and I read it sometimes by myself. It answers a lot of questions and also opens the door for communication between me and my kids. I highly reccommend for any age.

I know how you feel. I lost my grandmother on my 19th birthday. That was November 13,1993. That was very hard to deal with. I lost my mom on February 15,1999. That was even harder to deal with. I have been "lost" for a while now. My attitude has changed. I feel very depressesd and angry a lot. I have a six year old daughter and I too, am with the man of my dreams, however I feel like i make life hell for him. He knows a lot of the reason I am like this is because of my losses, however it is not an excuse. I wish I knew how to be the happy, nice person he remembers from when I was younger. I have a hard time dealing with my mom's death the most. she was my best friend. I want to be good for both my daughter and him. Hope to hear from you soon.

Keep talking & don't put yourself on a clock - grief is part of life just as death is part of life. Keep talking and this may get to a place where you need to seek professional treatment. Start with your family Dr and tell him/her what your going through. (OR you can try your family minister) There is a series of questions they will ask you to gage how depressed you are.

Your doing the right thing by reaching out - keep reaching out to others and keep talking. There is no right or wrong with grief - nor is there a time limit - but keep talking to others - and seek out help from professionals.

peace.

T.,

Almost every hospice offers bereavement counseling to the public....many hospices offer it for free. It is important to have a place to tell your story. We don't "get over" our grief, we "get through" it....sometimes day at a time, sometimes 5 minutes at a time. Just because your grandmother is no longer physically present, does not mean your relationship with her ends. You are now in the process of trying to figure out how to create a new normal, which includes memories and memorial. Maybe you could show your girls some of the things your grandmother did with you....did she bake cookies? Maybe you can all bake those cookies together. Anyway, I really encourage you to seek out a bereavement counselor......you really need a non-judgemental forum to talk about your pain,loss and emptiness. Also, look at www.centerforloss.com and click on "I have lost someone".....Alan Wolfelt is a pioneer in the grief counseling field and he has some wonderful articles that will help.

Hi T., My heart goes out to you. I am sorry for your loss. I would like to share a few things with you from my own experience with grief. Grief is a process and in that process are many experiences. We will all go through these when we have loss in our lives. It doesn't matter if it is a spouse, friend, grandparent, parent, child, etc. the process will happen. For some it takes a long long time to heal and for others a short time. I encourage you to allow yourself to go through that process. If you feel that you are not coping with your life very well and it is affecting how you take care of your children you may want to seek out a Doctor who can prescribe temporary meds to help get you through your grief.
I lost my husband to cancer right after my child was born 11 years ago. What I have learned from going through that experience has been so valuable I wouldn't have traded it if I had the choice to do it again. It allowed me to expand my heart in a way that has given me so many more gifts over the years.
I encourage you to allow your children to be a part of your grief process as I am positive they are having their own. It will bring you all closer together and it will help them to express things they don't have the cognitive ability to express. It might be nice to do things like plant a garden in her honor, or a tree in the wilderness. Draw something that reminds them of their grandma that you can frame with her picture.
I am a Life Coach because of my experiences and would be happy to work with you if you are interested. You can reach me at ____@____.com one more note. Grief is the process that will bring up every single issue you have to work out in this lifetime. You can have a great attitude about it and receive the Grace that spirit is passing you and go through it to the other side where there is peace and a new sense of self. I will send you healing and light. S.

My husband died 3 years ago this January and I have several grandchildren plus many young children who pass through my house on a weekly basis as I am a piano teacher. My children and I purchased a star for my husband through the International Star Organization ....which you would not have to do......but it has been useful in explaining to young children about death and afterlife. My explanation was that God created stars in the sky that stay on all night so that when we are missing someone we love we can just look to the stars for comfort. Bob's star is near the the North Star...and of course not visible to the naked eye, but I told the children that he is always around to view.....no matter where they are.....and this seemed to be an acceptable and comforting answer for the children under 6 who feel loss but don't really understand what happens to the person or animal.

I have a suggestion as an addition to all the other wonderful things the ladies have said. I am a grandma and if I were to die,I would wish for my granddaughter to take all the love we shared and pour it out to the world. Because I love flowers, maybe she would begin a flower garden with me in mind and add stepping stones, angels,a bench and a tree. Or because I love to read, maybe she would join a book club or find books to donate to the library. Maybe she would find a cause to immerse herself in as a tribute to our love for one another and maybe she would buy herself a beautiful necklace or bracelet to wear everday to remember our love.

God bless you in your grief and may you be thankful for such a wonderful relationship for there are others who mourn the loss of a hateful relationship or none at all.

I have just recently joined this group and was touched by your message. I have been through many losses in my life and each one was painful in its own way. I hope you will consider reading my book I recently wrote on these losses and how I survived. It is called: "Has Anyone Seen My Daisy?" and you can order on Amazon. I have been told by many that it has helped them cope.

Hi T.,

First, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so overwhelming to lose someone you love and that's been a constant in your life.

I'm a 35 y/o widow with 3 boys ages 5, 3 and 2. My husband was killed in an accident in June of 2006 when my little boys were only 9 months, 1 1/2 and 3. So I know of loss. I was upset with him for being late getting home that day so I didn't answer my phone. When someone finally got a hold of me I was told he was in an accident and I needed to get to the hospital asap. When I got there they told me the truth which was that he had severe head trauma and we had roughly 24 hrs until we took him off life support. After a couple more tests they pronounced him brain dead and then I waited for the organ donation team to arrive. I walked away from him still breathing on the vent, still w/warm hands and had to say goodbye. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do...and I hope it will be the last.

I ended up seeing a grief counselor who helped me immensely. I was able to cry openly and ask the questions that I know there are no answers too. I started writing my husband a letter every night too. It helps me feel like I'm still in contact with him. Sometimes I lashed out with my hurt and anger...most of the time I just write him to tell him how our day went and write what the kids are up to and how they are changing. I know he's not here to read it, but it's an outlet for my feelings and I feel like there is still a connection.

I wasn't sleeping or eating well too, so I turned to yoga and holistic nutrition which has changed my life. Physical exercise and proper eating is a must when dealing with stress. And the yoga teaches you to relax and focus...along with so many other things.

We lost my grandmother in Feb. of last year from a 30 year battle with MS. I took the kids to see her alot before she died and they understood she was going to heaven to be with daddy.

It's been 19 months since my husbands death. I've since started going to church again which gives me immense strength, purpose and hope.

Sometimes you just take it one day at a time and sometimes it's just a minute...

Be strong and feel blessed you had her in your life. If you are feeling sad remember it's because she was so loved and so loved you...the writing really helped me...I do it before I sleep so my thoughts are "off my mind". Somehow it gets easier with time...I'm not sure when or how...it just happens.

I'll pray for you!

Kim

I have just lost my 22yr old son suddenly. It is a pain beyond words.Parents should never have to endure this kind of pain, burying your child. Even though this is still fresh in our memories, we have found comfort in family, friends & our church.
The prayer services & the funeral were beautiful & we had a sense of calm & peace. Our priest had the most comforting words & had said that our son was now sitting at Christ's feet.
You have no idea how meaningful those words were to us. We can only go on now & remember all of the happy memories. Spending time with family, friends & our church family can help to heal these wounds in time.

I also know what it feels like to lose someone so close to you. In May my dad was killed in a car accident by an under the influence driver. He was only 50 years old. I replay that day over and over in my head. For the longest time I didn't even want to get out of bed. My depression and anxiety started to take over me, my relationship with my boyfriend, I lost my job, and some of the people closest to me seemed to back off. I started going to counselling, I got back on antidepressants, and started to pray and read the bible more often. I also started a group greivance counselling at the U of U. I can't tell you how much that has helped. Knowing you are not alone and all the feelings that come along with greiving. All of these things have helped me. There are still days I go to call my dad. It is very hard, especially being the first year without him. I know people say that's the hardest and it has been. The holidays have been a downer, but I have to keep myself together for my two boys. I hope it makes you feel better to know you're not alone. Don't be afraid to try greivance counselling, it may be the best thing you can do for yourself and your children. It's called the Caring Connection and it's one night a week for 8 weeks. It's very beneficial to try to make it every week for the full 8 weeks. Let me know if you have any questions about it. Good luck through your greif recovery.

Hi T.,
I'm sorry for your loss. I have dealt with my grandmother's death about a month after my baby was born. It was difficult and more so because I couldn't travel at the moment to say goodbye. Having two toddlers and a newborn.
Recently my mother in law died, she was very dear to me. They informed us early in the morning and my husband didn't want to tell our children right away because they were at school. Since she lived on the other side of the country, we had my mother come to take care of our children and traveled as soon as she got to our house. We phoned later and toId the sad news to our children, I strongly disagreed on letting the kids stay and telling them on the phone. Since it was my husband's mother I chose to let him decide what to do. He was trying to protect our kids, but it proved to be a big mistake... Our children were naturally very upset.
As soon as we returned we had our priest and friend come over to talk to the children (14, 13 and 12) and had a very sad and difficult week. I think that if we had taken the kids with us, it would have been a lot easier for them. Instead of helping them deal with this sad but normal situation we made it so much more difficult for all of us.

There are 3 stages in mourning: denial, anger and sadness. After you go through these stages there comes acceptance. If you are feeling very sad still maybe you can see a therapist. Perhaps there is also depression involved.
Hope this was helpful. We went through all of them. Finally we had a special religious service held for my Mother-in-Law where the children had a chance to say their goodbyes.

H.

Some of the things I may say may be taken the wrong way, so I hope they aren't. These are just ideas thrown out there since you're asking for differing opinions. First, I think you mentioned that this is your first serious loss of a very close loved one. That is extremely difficult and you probably don't have the same coping mechanisms as someone who has dealt with a lot of loss. I'm not saying that death gets easier, but sometimes getting through it does. I know it took me a very long time to get to the point of not crying every time I thought about my grandfather's passing. I went to visit a dying aunt, and ironically, I was out of state when I got the call, and I never made it to his bedside before he passed away. I was devastated! I will never completely get over it, but in a way, I don't want to because then I'll forget how much I loved him. But, I no longer cry and avoid certain situations. I just smile and talk about him as if he's still here...and I named my firstborn son after him, so in a way, he lives on. Also, you may be dealing with some sort of guilt about not being there for your grandmother when she physically passed away. At least one person mentioned, and I've heard this before because I see people die almost weekly at my current job, but sometimes the loved one actually waits for everyone to leave, or will not die in front of a specific person because they are too attached to them, or for some other reason. Some people do the opposite...they wait for a specific person to be there if they can--everyone is different. Also, you said you're in school (stressful), you're husband is off work (stressful), you have 3 kids (stressful), and one of them is only 14 months old (stressful). You have a lot of things weighing you down..even if they are not all negative, they do take a lot of energy and coping mechanisms. You may even have some new mommy hormones (even if the baby is 14 months you can still have late-onset post-partum possibly), and you may not be eating or sleeping well. You probably have no time to exercise or even find the time to go to therapy to talk to someone. I am NOT a therapist...but I HAVE gone to therapy for different reasons in my lifetime. I think that in some cases, talking has been the best thing, and at times I have even resorted to antidepressants to "take the edge of" and for me, it was a godsend as a short-term way of helping me just make it through the day. There are many ways of dealing with grief...as you well know. I also recommend a great book called Necessary Losses http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b/104-###-###-####-###-...
that a therapist recommended to me about different stages of grief. You can probably even check it out at the library or get on this amazon link above. Talking, meds, exercise, proper nutrition, limiting your other stressors...all these things are options. Also, the obvious fact that everyone else has said as well...TIME. And one more to consider even though it may be too hard right now...possibly try to help others through their own losses. In time, it may help you to comfort others. I'm sure reading all these people's generous and sensitive accounts of heart-wrenching loss makes you realize that you are not alone. If you are thinking of someone else's situation, it's harder to think of your own sometimes. You shouldn't bottle yours away, but eventually you WILL have to move on at some level, and honor your grandmother by LIVING WELL and as someone else mentioned, passing all that love on that she gave to you. She would not want to see you struggling forever over her passing. I hope this is not too harsh or insensitive to you. You sound like a very caring and compassionate person. I'm sure you will get through this grieving period and heal. Best wishes.

I know just how you feel. My husband of 19 years recently passed away October 21, 2007 after a long battle with cancer. Our daughter is in her first year of college and both of us were trying to grieve in private to keep from making the other one sad. We finally realized that by sharing our feelings, we both felt better. Now we’re even able to laugh as we remember all the things we used to do as a family.

Don’t feel bad about crying or getting depressed, that’s part of the grieving process. You’ll always miss your grandma, but the pain does go away over time. Here are some things that can help you get through it:

1) Remember that death is not a punishment, it is just the end of one phase of life and the beginning of another. Your grandma isn’t gone, she’s just living in another place with a different kind of body. Picture your grandma in Heaven, laughing and having a good time with her friends and family members who have also departed.
2) Realize that children grieve also, even though they may not speak about it. They’re probably crying in private so that they don’t upset you. Share your feelings with them. Talk about how you miss your grandma and how it makes you sad. It’s okay to let them see you cry, it gives them permission to cry. It’s okay to cry together, in fact it’s helps them to express their grief openly, so that they don’t act out later in other, destructive ways.
3) When you speak of your grandma, particularly to your children, speak of her as living in Heaven, being happy, looking over them and being proud of them.
4) Talk about your grandma to other people who loved her, such as your mother. Talk about good memories that you have. It will cheer up your mother, who is grieving also, even though she may not show it. Laugh together about the funny things grandma used to say and do. Every time you start to get sad, think about a happy memory.
5) Go ahead and talk about your grief with your husband. Let him know how much you appreciate his emotional support. He’s probably feeling badly because of his situation, and is probably feeling helpless because he is unable to help you get through your grief. He needs to feel valuable right now, and sharing your feelings will help him understand that his value as a husband is so much more than a job and a paycheck.
6) Be grateful that your grandma lived a full life and realize that she was probably ready to go. Be grateful that you had a chance to say “Goodby” and don’t feel bad that you weren’t there when she departed. She knows you love her. In fact, she may have been waiting for you to leave so that she could go, and may have thought that it would be too stressful for you to see her passing away.
7) Pray. Talk to God a lot. Express gratitude that you had the wonderful experience of being a part of your grandmother’s life. Ask God to reward her for being a good person. Ask God to help you get through your grief.
8) Make yourself get out and do some volunteer work, some place where you really feel like you’re helping people. I know it’s hard to get out of bed sometimes, and you just want to hibernate and withdraw from the world, but make yourself go. You’ll be surprised at how much helping others helps to heal your spirit.

Even though your grandmother is now living on the “other side” and you really miss her, remember that you’ll see her again. Try to be patient until that time comes, and always think about the good times you had. Those memories are what will make her live forever.
I’ll be praying for you.

just off the top of my head:

let yourself cry and feel the pain; be with it; this honors your grandma and she will help you; try to include your children a bit --- this is SAD time; it is supposed to be sad - ask them to talk or if they would like to' tell them you need their help - a hug a kiss maybe a special trip or outing together where you talk about grandma - who she was and who she will always be

ask your friends for help

take time with your husband alone

I am 62 and have never gotten "used" to loss of loved ones, but by taking care of myself and sharing and asking for help and being kind to myself I have been able to integrate the experience into my life as the wonderful gifts that these people have been to me

call hospice for help; they will talk with you and help you through

I will pray for you

Peace that will find you I send to you now
SMW

I read your story and it broke my heart. I lost my great grangma 12 years ago. So I do know your pain. What has helped me is looking into the bible. I would like to share some scriptures that has helped me. The first one is Revelation 21:4, talking about pain. The next one is John 5:28,29, talking about that we can see our loved ones again when they are called out. And I also know your worry about your husband off work. Right now my husband is in the hospital and has been there for two weeks and we also have three children. What has help me is the scripture in Psalm 72:16 just knowing that there will be eough food for everyone. Please look these up in your bible and I truely hope they help you like they do me.If you have any questions please write to 25 Columbia Heights, Brooklyn, NY 11201-2483. Amanda

Hi T.,
I am so sorry for the loss of your grandma. I remember when I lost my beloved grandparents. I felt as if a part of me was gone, too. The very first time is very difficult especially if you have a close relationship. I am fortunate to still have my parents, but I suffered the loss of my son two years ago. The grief was so overwhelming. He was 29 and was engaged to be married soon.

Let me say to you, that in time you will adjust and the memories you have of your grandmother will be sweet ones. When our son died, I couldn't bear the memories. I missed him so much that everything reminded me of our loss. Now, I know that he is at peace and so happy in heaven. I will see him again. I can think of all our wonderful times with him and almost feel him here with me. It will be that way for you. There is no certain "time" for grief. Everyone has their own timetable. I will "grieve" for our son every day of my life, but it is not the stabbing pain that I felt during those awful "firsts" without him.

Our loved ones want us to go on. They don't want us to be so unhappy. Share your wonderful memories with your little girls and they will come to remember your grandmother through your wonderful times with her. I think the most healing thing for me, has come through sharing Jeremy with others and knowing that as long as I can, his memory will go on.

Don't let the regrets overwhelm you. We all have regrets in one way or another. I'm sure your grandmother knew how very much you loved her. Happy times will come again, I promise. God bless you, T..

we all are different and have different ways of dealing with our grief.you know in your heart,she would want you too,to cry and miss her but you have to let her go grudally.it is a good thing to talk about her and so good if you could get togather with family member and remember the funny things and start laughing,may god be with you and confort you.

I lost my Dad about two weeks ago and my mom 10 yrs ago and i am having a hard time too. I just can not imagine my life at 42 without either of my parents. My foundation gone. I have been told that you feel lost and that as time goes on that feeling will get better but it never truly goes away. Its hard and you just need to let yourself feel the sadness for there is a grieving process and if you ask me it takes a good year to get through this and you will. For the time being talk to you friends and family dont hide it for their is nothing wrong with being sad. I am where you are at so know that you are not alone. I leave on Wednesday for my father's funeral and i know that this will be hard but hopefully i will get some closure and be able to feel a little better. I am one of 16 children and we are all having a hard time but what does one expect when you have lost both of your parents. We have each other and the memories and with that we should be fine.

Mourning is an awful experience. Loss is a lousy experience,
and the stress of having a husband not working is enough to
freak any wife out.

It's OK to vent and cry and mourn, and it probably would help
to find someone who will simply listen...NOT OFFER ADVICE.
OR INTERPRET YOUR PAIN, thank you!

Support groups can be helpful if they follow the above two rules, and the same goes for pastoral counseling or standard
psychotherapy/counseling too.

Unfortunately, loss is an idiosyncratic feeling and experience, and everyone experiences it differently.

The key to dealing with it is to have support and normalize it. And, not let it slide you into self pity, helplessness,
and hopelessness and predicting the worst in the future.

If you catch yourself doing that then talking to a therapist
might be helpful.

But the basic thing, I would think, is to cry with someone,
and to have that person simply listen and occasionally
summarize back to you what you have said.

And, as the time between the loss and the present increases,
you will find that the mourning lessens.

If you have any further questions, feel free to contact
me.

R. Katz, Psy.D
www.richardkatz.org

T.,
I just lost my Daddy and am going through the same rollercoaster. The biggest advice I have is that it will last until... until it doesn't. It will never be "over", you'll always ache, but I sure hope it gets better!

I know that probably doesn't help much, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone even though it may feel that way.
A.

Hey T.,
I am a Hospice nurse. Hospice has been my mission for almost eight years now. I love Hospice philosophy. I had worked at Hospice for a little over two years when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Today she is a surviver. Thank you Lord. The next year my son was in a go-cart accident. He was in ICU for a few days. He also survived. A few months later we took my grandmother to the ER. The doctor started talking about all these treatments that "might" work. I looked him in the eye and asked "If it were your grandmother would you put her through all of that?". His answer was "No". We moved her to Hospice on a Sunday evening. We only had a few patients so I was able to chose the room. My awesome co-workers made it happen. On Monday and Tuesday I had the awesome privilege to be her nurse. The doctor came in and told my family that she had about a week to live. Some of them started making plans to leave and I told them they needed to stay at least another 24 hours. My dad made us all go home that night. I think he wanted some time with just his mom and his brother. About 1:00am, the night nurse called and said you better get back up here. We all went back up to Hospice. We sang songs, prayed, remembered fun times. Then around 7:00am most of my left to take showers and drop children off with sitters. My mom and I stayed and we fell asleep in chairs in the room. It was very peaceful. My uncle came in a short while later and woke me up saying "I don't think she is breathing". We called the RN down to the room and she told us that my grandmother had gone to Heaven. See my grandmother was the ultimate hostess she loved giving and going to parties.......she wasn't going to leave until the party was over. Now she is at a continuous party in Heaven. My daughter-in-law has had to deal with the death of her grandmother and less than a year later her mother. This has been very h*** o* her and her oldest daughter (my oldest granddaughter). Hospice has a program (usually open to the public, even if their loved one did not pass at Hospice) for adults and one for children to help work through coping skills. I suggest that you call your local Hospice and ask them about it. And if you don't have one or they do not have a program call Hospice of Wichita Falls.
Working at Hospice has taught me not to fear death. I mourn, not the people that pass (because they are usually in a better place), but the family left behind because they hurt so much. I have lost all of my grandparents. Do I still cry and miss them at times? Yes, however, I also laugh myself to tears remembering fond memories.
There is a saying out there.......We are born to die. And that is true, there is not one of us that will defeat that. The only thing we can do is live our lives to the fullest and view death as a beginning to another adventure. True, one we are not sure where it will take us. But one we have to take.
My children (25,23, 21) all know my feelings on death and what I expect for them to do for me once I am on my new adventure. They will have enough money to have me cremated and then they are to take a cruise. There will be no headstone for anyone to go and sit down and mourn my passing. Because I will not be mourning.......I will be dancing with Jesus.
There are really no words that make the pain go away. Just time, memories, and a change of the way we see things.
I will be praying for you and your girls,
A.

Everyone grieves in their own way. The emotional range varies and that is ok.
I also tried not to cry and be upset around my young children since they did not understand about death. We have lost my husband's grandma, my father and my mother within the last two years. It is hard. Very hard! There are so many emotions that come out. That is ok. Try to have some one watch your children so you can speak to an adult about your feelings and just let it all out. If you continue to feel overwhelmed where it interferes with your daily life, tell your doctor and they can temporarily put you on something to calm you so you can resume being a caring, active mom for your children.
We have gently talked about our loved ones being in Heaven and they are our special angels that watch over us and love us and will always be with us in our hearts and our memories. We have lots of pictures and talk about them so my children won't forget about any of them. Memories are precious and the best gift you can share with your children.
I have learned that my loss will always be tremendous and I will always have a void in my heart. Time does not heal but it helps to allow you to adjust yourself enough to get through the day and to make new memories with your family. Life still goes on and you have to make it the best you can for your children. In time, you will begin to feel happy again...not about them being gone, but about other things in your life. I try to concentrate on the fact that my family members did not suffer, were not harmed by others, had lived full, happy lives, were wonderful people, are in Heaven and watching over me, I will see them again one day. Poetry also helped me for some reason. I would be so upset and not be able to sleep and the words would pour out of me so I put them on paper:
HER HANDS
Her hands they dressed us warm each day
and cleaned our clothes for play
Her hands they cooked our meals each day
with love, her only way
Her hands were soft yet very strong
to guide us on our way
Her hands they worked so very hard…
each and every day

Her hands no longer need to work;
Her chores they all are done
One day Her Hands will welcome us,
Like rays upon the sun

Until that time, it’s up to us
to work hard and to know
That Mom was proud and strong and good
and taught us all we know

We miss her every day you see,
our hearts still broken wide
But we will do our best for her
to handle all the strife

Merry Christmas Mom,
Watch over us from your kitchen in the sky
You’re in our hearts, our thoughts, our prayers
Each morning, noon and night.
(our first Christmas without my mom)
Mary-Jo

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Two years ago my grandmother passed away. She was 93 years old.3 months after my grandmother passed away my mother passed away at the age of 65.I think of my mother everyday. The holidays are the hardest because it was a very special time of the year for her. To help me through it I pray for God to take care of her now and give her the wonderful life she deserves. When I am alone in the car I talk to her. I tell her how her grandchildren are and what is new. Just like all the phone calls we used to have. I also write poems and letters about how I feel. I enjoy drawing so I try to draw to help with how I am feeling. Talk to your husband or find someone who will listen. Knowing you have someone to talk to will help. There's no time limit on grieving this is personnel. Everyone grieves different. All you can do is find ways that helps you through the grieving. I still have days all I want to do is cry, but I look at is as a good thing. It means I had a wonderful relationship with my mother. Think of the wonderful relationship you had with your grandmother that is what she would want. She left you with a very precious gift, wonderful memories!
Cheryl

My advice would be to take it one day at a time. Some days are awful and some are better. My dad died unexpectedly in April (after 4 months in the hospital with a lot of ups and downs) when I was 7 months pregnant. We were extremely close and it has been awful not having him here to see my son grow up. I allow myself to cry when I need to (mostly in the shower when I get time to myself) and I try to see him in my son. I always try and remember how strong he was and how strong he would want me to be.

You are in my thoughts and prayers T..

Hi T., sounds like you were so close to your grandma, I am sorry for your loss, I have been there, too many times. My real father had cancer when he finally came looking for me, I met him twice before he died. My mom had M.S for a long time, but was in the hospital for a UTI, sounds simple right? she ended up on the vent, totally aware but tubes down her throat when they decided to morph her and pull the plug... I was there holding her hand.To this day I feel like there was something I could have done. and my dad, stepdad since I was 3, died of cancer, again I was there. Same with my gramps, the most awesome man in my life, went in with a minor stroke,I seen him that day, and wanted to stay longer, but he wasn't saying anything, so I thought I would just let him sleep, I wish I would have stayed longer, He would not have been alone when he passed that night. I have had best friends die, most recently my godfather, who I kick myself for not visiting him in a year. I did not see him before he died, this was in dec. then my nieghbor had a heart attack right next door while he was moving his stuff out. I could have saved him I think, if I went over to say hello like I wanted to. Jan. and a few weeks ago, my beloved cat timmy was mauled and eaten by coyotes and crows...
I understand what lives must die, but what about us? the ones left behind? I am still missing a cat who passed 12 years ago. My mom and dad, always missing. sometimes I still cry. they will never play with my kids, they will never know them, and then there is guilt, I know I have nothing to feel guilty for, but I sometimes think, if I had my boys years earlier, etc. and anger, the anger is now gone, it goes in waves, anger, sorrow, guilt, sorrow. You will never ever get over it, but time does heal, I have to honestly say that, every time I have a close loss, I do not believe I got over the last loved one, but thinking back, I now remember the good times, missing them at the same time, and I still cry, going through pictures, hearing a song, standing alone on top of the canyon out back, hearing a bird in the distance, I feel them, and I cry, in my car, on the highway, I will scream so load, and it helps. and its OK. and you will be ok, put pictures in your wallet, on the wall of your kids room, share stories with your husband, and please, tell him how you feel, though he is going through his hard times, you need him to be there for you, My husband and I were hardly talking, when I broke down and cried into his arms. I hope hearing my story makes you stronger, my friends, and therapists, (they help...) tell me how strong I am, though I am crumpled inside. I guess life is what it is. Can't change life, only make it better, take more pictures with you and your family, go out more, laugh more, make your own good memories. Oh, and before you go to bed, think of your grandma, write a note to her, put it next to your bed, she may some to you in your dreams, when she is ready, I have had so many experiences with this.
good luck, much peace.

PS. my dad died OCTOBER 9th 2005, my grandpa died november 18 2005.
the due date for my TWIN BOYS was OCTOBER 9th, 2006.
my grampa had his stroke the day before my dad passed. I believe what leaves this earth comes back to you somehow, Well, I believe it now anyways. so keep a look out!
L.

Dear T.,

You seem to be a very caring person. You have gone through a lot of stress with the loss of your grandmother and your husband being on leave. If you can get some extra emotional support to get through this difficult time, it will get easier in time. Everyone grieves at a different pace so while it will get easier in time, no one knows how long. Think about a bereavement support group, a mom's group, seeing a therapist, or whatever else will give you an outlet for talking about your feelings and getting support. Good luck and take care of yourself.

I'm almost 41 yrs old T. and I still cry over my dearest grandmother. She passed away July 28th 2003. How to deal with loss can be difficult for awhile. For me I just kept reminding myself that she was no longer suffering. She had cancer and it was just her time to leave this world. She went to a better place and that in itself makes me happy. Sounds like you had a very special love for your grandma like I did with mine. In time it will become less and less painful for you. Love your own children and cherish them with all your heart. That's what our grandma's always wanted:) Take care!

Hi T.,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my nephew, it will be 2 years in March. I know what its like to lose someone you are close to and love. Your hear literally feels like it is breaking. I used to cry in the bathroom after everyone had gone to bed cuz I did not want to bother anyone. My husband found me one night and consoled me. Its felt great. To have that love and comfort I needed. Your husband sounds like a great man, and I am sure he would never mind supporting you. Plus, it will take his mind off his own problems to focus on you.

Now I an new to this, James was the first loss in my tight knit family, so I am learning. First, read alot of books. I loved For one more day and the 5 people you meet in heaven. You'll cry, but its nice to know that you are not alone. And you're not.
Also, keep a journal with your memories of her, so you can pass this gift along to your children. We passed our around and we wrote stories that no one knew about, some were quite funny! Plus it keeps your family togther and you need each other to lean on.

God Bless you and time does heal, it does not forget, but it does lsowly heal the hurt you are feeling now.

;-) H.

I am so sorry for your loss. Your relationship with your grandma sounds like such a beautiful one, thank you for sharing it with us!!!

I think you are doing what you need to do, trying to get through your grief and find out what will help. For me, talking to other people helps and sharing the love also helps. If it is too much for your husband to help right now (which it sounds like it is), then maybe a grief group or good friends/mothers would help or someone through an organization would help?? For my husband, who lost his mother seven years ago, pictures, video and talking about her with our children has helped. Although my daughter has never met her grandma D., she knows of her and talks about her which is very nice at best as she is not forgotten.

Best wishes with everything, it is never easy!
T.

Hi T.,

I know your pain and feelings of loss. I've lost 5 loved ones in less than a year. I was getting to the point I was afraid to answer the phone. Journaling is the best way I've found to work through my feelings. Allow yourself some time everyday to put your feelings down on paper. Allow yourself to cry. Write down your memories of your Grandma....it is great to go back and read these at later dates. Write letters to your children.....what do you want for them. If you have pictures of your Grandma with your children make scrapbooks for each of them with pictures and your written memories.

I hope this helps!!
L.

i lost my husband a few years ago and im still dealing with his death i cry alot too and it seems i am always thinking of him i miss him so much and im trying to live my life to the fulliest with out him so i take one day at a time and i pray alot too just keep you faith in the Lord and you will get through this and having you family close by helps some and always have someone you can talk to about how you are feeling.

oh gosh, Im up too late tonight, because I cannot sleep..I have lost a very special friend a month ago, and it has still been hard, along with the loss of 4 others since Nov...I care for my Mom, whom is 77, my Grandma whom is 90, which will be so hard for me when I loose them too...I understand your pain, my Grandma whom is 90 has cared for my children, and now they are helping me care for her.... they just sit with her and do puzzles, and talk with her, but it is quite hard....www.cara.org I hope thats the right site...they are in Palo Alto, CA and it's free

Don't be so h*** o* yourself in regards to not being there when your grandmother passed. I hope I am not overstepping when I say that when a loved one passes they often wait for friends and family to not be around. Passing is very private and some choose to do it alone. It's easier for them. If you had been there when her soul passed then she would have had a hard time crossing over because she would have felt your emotions of overwhelming sadness. I don't believe in death. We just go to another place where we are more alive. My grandmother passed when my mom was 2 years old. I feel as though I know her because she has come to visit me in dreams. She is alive to me in way just not here on earth. God Bless.

I feel your pain. My grandpa was my hero, and he died many years ago, when I was alot younger (early 20s),and he died in my bed. I will never forget it, and I will never forget him. The pain is still there, the tears are not as fluent and frequent, but, I still miss him very, very much. My grandma, was my best friend, and I suffered right along with her suffering. I loved her so. I think of both them, often, and I talk to them, through my soul. Unfortunately, life is for the living, and you have to remember the love you shared, and the memories. All the memories that you can hold on to; both, the good and the not so good. Everything living must die. It is an easier concept to say, than to live by. Just be proud of the fact, that you had such a great love, a true love, and trust me, that is more than most people can say. I know your pain, because to this day, I hurt for my grandparents. I don't want to give you the cliche' "It gets better with time", because I am not sure anything gets better with time. You just re-adjust, and cry when you feel like crying, and smile when you can. You owe it to yourself to mourn the great love that once was, and remember that you now have an angel, that is watching over you. There are loss support groups, ( usually at the hospital), and feel free to send me a message when ever you need to talk. I also got through the hard times by prayer, and reading wonderful stories by Leo Buscalgia. He inspired me, and still does to this day. He has a wonderful short story named " Freddy the Leaf" which I enjoy very much. At least you have a heart to hurt, and that makes you special. You must morn, so you can deal with it in a healthy way. Do not waddle in your pain, deal with it. Your Grandma was very proud of you, and she still is. She is also, very much alive because of you, and the love the two of you shared. It hurts, no doubt. Reading your story brought back the hurt to me, of losing my loved ones, all over again. It is okay to hurt. It is not okay to die with them. Your grandma would want you to live your life to the full extent, trust me on that. Your experience of dying hurt you, but, what an awesome hurt! You got to experience true love, and that my friend, is something very, very special. There are many people in this world that will never, ever experience the pureness of real love. Go out in your car, close the doors, and cry; just cry. My heart cries with you.

Hi T.,

WOW!! I cant believe how much we have in common when it comes to our Grandmothers!! My grandmother was my best friend. All my life I had always felt she was the only one who truly loved and cared for me. My heart goes out to you at this moment. I lost my best friend in May of 1999. She had become ill with a stroke in March of 1999. My sister called me and stated I needed to come home that she was getting worse. I lived at that time on the east coast and found the next flight to Wisconsin that week. When I first walked in her room she stated "I have been waiting for you!" Of course I knew what that meant. I stayed there for 3 days, we talked, looked at old photos, layed by each other, cried, laughed, and said our goodbyes. She told me that this would be the last time we would see each other. She was always so honest with me and when I left, I was so sad, but felt a bit at peace.

I was so fortunate to have that last moment with her. I am truly blessed to have her as my grandmother. I miss her on a daily basis. I had always told her that if I had a baby girl I would name her after her. I reminded her of that the last time I saw her. She smiled and said thank you.

My grandmother passed away on May 19, 1999. I flew home to attend the funeral. While I was there, a girlfriend from High School came up to me and stated that I was glowing as if I was pregnant. Little did she know, I was told I may not be able to conceive. I left and came back home to the east coast and found out two weeks later I was indeed pregnant!!!

My darling daughter was born Feb 2000!! Of course her name is Evelyn and she is a spitting image of my best friend. She is so much like her! She is my strength when I feel low and down about missing my grammy. I cannot imagine having a better gift from my grandmother. I truly believe she had something to do with this.. She lives within my darling daughter. I am so thankful!!

Be as honest as you can with yourself and your children. Try to prepare them for the loss of a loved one. It is part of the circle of life. People may die in our lives, but we have to learn how to keep their memories alive and how to deal with these heartaches. We will never forget the ones we love.

I hope my words bring you some comfort.. Please know everyone goes through these sad time in their lives. Always know that you are not alone. Take care T..

M.

T.,

I am going through the same thing. My grandma is still alive, but barely. I am dreading getting that phone call because I know it is coming sooner rather than later. She has stage 4 lung cancer and the doctors have told us that we should just "keep her comfortable." She is in hospice right now. I, like you, am very close to my grandmother and I am dreading the day when that phone call comes. I know I can't prepare for it, no matter how hard I try. I don't have any advice for you, just a kindred soul sharing your pain. You will be a role model to others who are going through this who think that no one else knows what they feel. Thank you for reaching out and asking for help. This gives me the strength to be able to ask for help when I need it. God bless you and your family.

S.

I also just joined this site, but I hope that my comments will be just as fresh as all the other wonderful support you've received over the past weeks and months. I have been through many losses and each is different in their own ways. Just because you're feeling this way with your Grandma, doesn't make it better or worse. Each death is a "new" experience. My father died Dec 13, 2007 and it has really struck us very, very hard. I talked to him a lot. My brother and his life partner and best friend were with him daily for 3 months. He lived with and died from pancreatic cancer. He had always been healthy up to the diagnosis. It all seemed so fast and so unfair. Some of the tricks that we've discovered is that when we have choices to make about what we do in life, we all say to ourselves or each other, "What would Dad want?" He was wise and loving and very reasonable and practical. So, we take the time to just think about him and his lessons to us. Somehow, we get simple answers to that question even though he's not there/here. Also, the other thing that we do is focus on taking care of ourselves physically. Exercise is so important - even walking. Just get out - if it's too cold, go to a mall or indoor track. I know it's hard to figure out how to do this with little ones, but it really is better for them, too, to understand that mom has to take care of herself. Make sure that they are safe and cared for and then get out. There's a saying that we love, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." and I'm not suggesting that any of this will make you happy. (It hasn't for us yet.) But it will keep you going which is so important. And lastly, if you're a reader, read. There are wonderful books of all kinds and I've found that stories (not self-help books) but real stories either fiction or nonfiction about people have been inspirational. It's the human attachment that we miss and I can find attachment in the characters in books (and good movies.) My dad's partner and I have a song that makes us burst into tears and seems exactly like how we feel about my dad. It's by Faith Hill, called "There'll You'll Be."

There is no answer. It's just a process or a journey. I hope you are okay. Blessings to you and your family. Have faith.

Hello T.,

Please know that greif is a part of being human and we all go through it when we suffer loss. Know that you are normal and these feelings are normal and in fact necessary for you to get through your grief and get to "the other side" of it. There are grief counselling organizations in most cities. I don't know where you live, but Kara is one of these organizations and they do amazing work (at no charge) for people grieving the loss of a loved one. Kara is in Palo Alto, CA, and their number is ###-###-####. Please call them and if you don't live near Palo Alto, CA someone at Kara can suggest a similar service near where you live. Take good care and know that the memory of your grandma will live with you forever. Whenever you talk to your children and remind them of her, she is living through you. Whenever you do things that she taught you (like the I love you handshake), she is living through you. YOu will get to a point where memories of her will be like bursts of joy. Right now those memories are probably bursts of grief, but go with it and know that there are blessings on the other side of your grief that will have your grandmother even closer in your heart than ever--that too is part of being human.

Take good care,

T. there is really no words to say that will make you feel better. I lost my son 25yrs old on Sept 27th, 2007 and I have bever felt pain like this in my while life. Seems like everything people would say made me angry and just a hug was allI needed. I have a webiste I have made in Dustin's Memory and I have found reading poems and talking with other moms online help alot. My heart goes out to you and I think one true thing people have said to me is it all takes time. And every one grieves differently and being the mom it is even harder. Love and Hugs, P. in Katy
http://dustinrawlsmyhero.tripod.com

Hi T.,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Last March, my brother (L. Cpl Dennis James Veater) was killed in Iraq. At the time, I was pregnant with my daughter, Jaimee Denise, and let me tell you, I understand how difficult it is to lose a loved one. My son was only a year and a half at the time, and I let him see me cry, but tried not to let him see me breakdown.

This pain is going to last quite sometime. Just try to share some funny memories about your grandmother. That's about the only way I've been able to make it through. Remember that its normal and ok to be sad, just don't let it dictate who you are. The year anniversary of my brother's death is in a couple of weeks and its getting hard again. Its like a roller coaster of emotions. If you expect it, it will be a bit easier.

Each night, my son and I say a prayer and we ask Uncle Dennis to watch over both of my kids. My son is 2 1/2 and has an extremely wild imagination, so we make sure that we have him "protect" him from the lions, monsters, etc. I feel like this will help to keep my brother part of our lives, even though he can't actively participate.

Best wishes to you and your kids.

K.

Hi T.,

You've gotten such great advice (although I haven't read it all)
My father died a few yrs ago - the hardest death yet to me, my 3 sisters, our husbands and our children.
I can't tell you enough how much I relate to the loss of a loved one. My dad was such an anchor in our family. For a long time after his death I felt the world was such a BIG, scary lonely world.
He was so reliable, trustworthy and dependable.
I have learned that I am okay without him and that he is still with me.
My hardest was him not meeting my kids.
But I constantly show them pics and tell them about him, I'm sure he will become a great ancestor in their minds, the good thing is that it will be all the good lessons.
My youngest sis is marrying in Feb on the beach of Puerto Vallarta. She wasn't going to have a wedding bc it was so hard to not have him walk her down the isle, but she's doing it knowing he is there with us.
At that time, my husband was having a difficult time deciding if he wanted to stay in his new career or come back to Indy to parter w/ his fam. It caused so much stress I almost left him - for many reasons too many to explain.I also realized his struggle was a huge burden to me who was already feeling that his instability was "destroying" me.
As time passed, I realized a lot of that stress would have been handled differently by me if I had not been mourning such a great loss.
All I can tell you is that time heals....
Life does go on....
and you will always hurt over her absence... I still hurt whenI think of my great grand mother. A truly exceptional woman.
But what they leave behinf is their legacy, their teachings, their wisdom and that's the great part. You get to share it with your children and grand children.
My sister is actually having each of her sister (me and 2 others) say a special message at her ceremony of the main thing dad taught us about marriage....
He would not have been able to pass his special messages on had he been alive so I try to look at it as the glass half full.
Amy

Hi, this is a very difficult thing to go through. I was a caregiver for my father who had a stroke and my daughter was only 3. It was a difficult time. Now she and I live with my mom who has her ups and downs and is entering into a stage of dementia along with other illnesses.

I am here to talk to you about anything you need to talk about. Just email me at ____@____.com and we'll trade phone numbers.

I also wrote a book and video entitled Caring For Your Loved One At Home. There is also a free Caregiver Stress book and course - go to www.homehealthcarebooks.com and check it out.

You just lost someone very close to you whom you loved very much. Sometimes, it's okay to lay in bed and cry. It's okay to drive to the park and cry.
I believe it's also okay to let children see all aspects of life, including grief. Let your children comfort you.
If your grieving is too intense, for too long, see a counselor.
Thinking of you.

Time really does ease the pain, but it sounds like you may need some friends to share it with. Are you involved with a church or small group that you could share your struggles with? I used to tell myself that I was lucky when I was missing someone, as it meant that they were worth missing! (i.e. we had a close, loving relationship). I think it is more difficult when someone is part of your every day life.

When my Dad died 2 years ago, my biggest sorrow was that he would never be a part of my son's life. We had 3 girls in our family, and he was so excited about his first and only grandson. He died when my son was 1. Tears still come to my eyes when I type this, but only when I stop to think and remember. Or wish that my son had a grandfather. Something that helped me, was remembering to be THANKFUL that I had a Dad worth missing. I could have had an abusive, unkind, whatever you want to insert... father. Instead I had a wonderful, loving, faithful, giving father who was taken from me early. I don't understand why God took him home, but I know He knows best.

Honestly, I'm a bit jealous. I hope you will forgive me, but we have no grandparents in town. My Dad is gone and my husband's Mom is gone (she died at 50, my Dad at 65.) My Mom is 16 hours away and my husband's Dad lives in Ukraine. My grandmother is 87, and still alive, but lives so far we never see her. I wish my children had a grandparent in their lives, or a great grandparent.

I'm sure it makes the pain of the loss greater, but maybe your tears with be a bit sweeter if you can focus on the wonderful times and relationship you had.

dear T.,
I have just recently joined this site, so I am late in responding to your question and pain. But I did want to pass onto you a suggestion that helped me through the loss of my mother almost 12 years ago and continues to be a source of comfort today.
I have been blessed to come from a very close-knit family and the loss of our mother was very sudden and unexpected (God's plan is not always what we can understand) as she was only 60. So needless to say the reality of her 'passing away' had not even been conceived, especially since her mother, my grandmother was still alive and living a very active and healthy lifestyle, as did our mother.
As you now know it is a pain that no one can imagine until they have actually experienced it themselves.
But what I found to be a real comfort was keeping a journal of my feelings, it is like my written communication with our Heavenly Father. As I said earlier, I still to this day write out my thoughts and prayers in a journal. Whether it is to praise God or pray for understanding or strength I write it down; what a relief it is to know I don't have to keep it inside and can release it by writing it down for 'The One' who will always understand and care about what I am dealing with in my life.

I hope this helps you in some little way;-)

~V.

Check the site www.griefshare.com This is a fantastic free group that runs at churches all over the country; you can search by zip code to find a location close to you. I am very familiar with it as a church social worker who oversees this group at the church I work at.

God bless you on the difficult road of grief,
K.

Hi,

I am sorry to hear about your loss.

When someone close to us dies, we get a helium filled ballon in their favorit color and write on it, give it a hug and send it up to them in heaven, watching it till we no longer can see it. It helps so much.
God has welcomed his newest angel, your grandmother to heaven. She is the brightest star shining on your each day.

I hope this helps.

Hi T.,
I'm so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful woman your grandmother was to you; such a wonderful gift she gave you with her love. I would agree with Katie D's advice that you may be experiencing a certain level of depression that should be evaluated by your doctor or clergy. There are also many books on the topic at the library too that you can check out as another option.

It is very normal to be sad and to cry after such a huge loss to you but you don't need to suffer in silence. Keep talking to friends and family as she said but don't be afraid to seek professional help. After my friend passed away with breast cancer last fall.. (I was with her the last week of her life) I went in and talked to the church pastor at the church where I teach preschool. I was trying to console her husband and son and deal with it all myself.

The pastor sat and listened and gave me some things to think about and it helped to begin to heal my heart to a certain degree and helped give me some things to think about and to console me. I only sat with her one time so that may be all that you need, a few chats with a professional or a close friend or perhaps you may need some therapy and medication if you are having trouble sleeping or functioning during the day. Don't feel like there is anything "wrong" with you for asking for help. You will be a better parent for the children as they need a fully functioning mom in their lives and your husband needs you too.

As someone else said, the grieving process is different from person to person and everyone does it in their own way. You also have the added stress of dealing with your husband's situation so you are carrying a heavy emotional burden.

Catholic Charities will offer counseling for free or on a sliding scale of payment based on what you can afford. I think you will always miss your gramma but counselors, (either through your church or through your doctor) will help ease your sadness. I would say based on the amount of crying you are doing and your sadness that you are experiencing a certain amount of depression but a professional can tell you for sure and ways to deal with it in a positive way..

I think you should seek help from those who can give you guidance on how to deal with your sadness. We all have been there in some way or another so I hope that is comforting to you.. and we can relate to what you are saying. You are not alone as you can tell from the other posts.
God bless!

One day, one hour, one moment at a time. Right now it is unbearable - but it will get better and that is a promise.
I've been in your position, more than once and I can say from experience - the burden will become lighter, the day will become brighter and you will get through this! Life comes in dips and waves and you have to ride it according to the flow. Go with the flow, don't be ashamed or embarrassed or sorry for the way that you feel, just honor your feelings and go with the flow. How long? That is something that can only be answered by you. But know this, it will take as long as it is necessary for you to heal - then the wound will crust over and you'll be fine!

Your grandmother is at peace. You just hold on to the memories. Memories last forever!

The first thing you need to do is get into see your family Dr. You are in dire need of some anti-depressents. I should know been on them for a lot of years. And have others in my family on them too.
2nd thing is look up the mental health clinic in your area and call them see if they or any of the hospitals around you have a grief group. Sometimes meeting people that have to deal with the same problem you are dealing with helps.
3rd You must remember that you are not alone you have a husband and children and other family memebers. Reach out to them maybe some how they can help you deal with your grief in a productive way. Perhaps making the favorite breakfast thet your gam made for you for your own children will bring her closer to you. The important thing to remember here is that your gram loved you. She would not want you to be so miserable at her passing. So now pull up the boot straps a bit and get it togather for her sake. She is looking down on you thru those little "holes in the floor of heaven" and doesn't want to see you so unhappy.
And 4th sometimes a stranger that has been there can help see things a little bit more clearly, or just even point you in the right direction. Take care of yourself and those lovely babies of yours.

T.,

I experienced what you are feeling almost five years ago. It all happened so suddenly, I just had my third daughter and she was six weeks old. I got a call from my mother telling me that my grandma (maternal) had pancreatic cancer and only had a month to live. I was living in Mississppi at the time and I immediatley packed my bags, three daughters and drove up to Wisconsin. When I got there she was up and around but very slow and she got to hold her great grandbaby for the first time. I could not believe that this wonderful lady was not going to be with us much longer. I stayed at her apartment taking shifts with my aunt and the hospice staff slowly watching her life slip away. I know that feeling you have in the room when it is all quiet. You just know the time is coming. My grandma was so strong to keep talking to all of us and said "goodbye." One night after my shift I went to visit my uncle and I got the call telling me she was gone. I could not cry...I could not believe it, I just saw her an hour before. I was in total shock. My mother and Aunt were by her side when she passed. They were telling her it was okay to let go and she (grandma)let go. Part of me wishes I was there to say another goodbye. Still to this day I can pick up the phone and dial her phone number.

I did not cry for days until it all came out suddenly. Grief works through us in many ways. Missing our loved ones will never cease. Allow yourself to mourn. I don't want to seem like a cliche but counseling will help you get throught this. My mom was very sad and she still cries for her mother these days (five years later). No one is going to tell you to stop missing the loved ones you lost. You have to find the strength within yourself to allow to heal. And you will.

It sounds like your grandmother was a strong and brave woman. She lives on in you and your children. What a blessing that is! Remember all the good things, keep what traditions and special times you had with her alive and going in your family.

Your husband is home on medical leave and I can imagine it is hard to keep a "brave face" on for him and your children. But you must! Take things day by day. Pray to your grandmother and your spiritual God. You will not be lost! Have faith in yourself. It is these moments of trials and tribulations that make us stronger. I know it is hard to understand now. But time will pass and time will heal your broken heart. Is there any support for you where you are? Moms group, church?

I have three daughters myself, 15,9, and 5.

I will pray for you and your family.

Kindly,
H.

Sorry to hear about your grandma. The only thing we can do now is just to cherish the good times that were there while she was alive, as those no one can ever take from you.
I too, lost my brother in October 2005 from Liver cancer. It took us all by surprised when he told us he had been diagnozed with the disease. He look so healthy, but it was only 10 months after his chemotherapies that he lost the battle.
To add salt to the wound, my father was also sick at the time of my brother's passing, and being his only son, he was very very sad, so he got very depressed and would not eat or do the normal things we were used to see him do. He had already had 2 amputations to his legs because of diabetes, and had also had a kidney transfer. On December 14th, 2006 we was hospitalized, he was there for about 10 days. The doctors also told us the news we didn't want to hear, they told us "we would be lucky to have him with us for Christmas Day" They had made arrangements to send him to an hospice, he had been bleeding internally & there was not much Drs could do. My father chose if anything to die at home. We took him back to the house on the 25th, I saw him on the 23rd, & he still "fine" on the 26th I got a phone call from mom saying he was in his last agony. On the 27th at about 3:30 pm i get the "call" my dad had passed away. It was the worst thing anyone could go through. I had seen alive the previous day, and now i saw him dead......I now think of the good times we all had as kids & pray he's now resting with my brother both of them at a much better place.
May the Lord be with them & with your grandmother too.

D.

I know just how you feel....I was the same way and I still have my days....I lost my grandfather July 3rd, 2005...I saw him on July 2nd at my middle childs birthday party and he was just fine he was all smiles playing with the kids and just being himself....July 3rd the kids, my boyfriend at the time, his kids, and I were all at home....My boyfriend and I had just sat down to watch a movie togeather because we had finnelly gotten all the kids to sleep....I decided I wanted something to drink so I got up to get something when the phone rang....He answered it and looked shocked when I came back into the room he asked for my keys so I gave them to him and he handed me the phone....I said hello and my mom said your cousin from your dad's side is comming to get you....I knew right then and there it was grandpa....and I callapsed and started screaming and crying....When I got to the hospital and to his ER room I stood outside a minute because he was always telling me sence I was 13 not to cry when he passed away....I tried when I was in the room with him....It just didn't work....I went in said how much I love him...When we left I went back to my mom's house and cried the rest of the night....I called my boyfriend first thing in the morning and told him I want to come home and be with you and the kids sitting here isn't helping so he came and got me...Unknown to me he had arranged for the kids to go to their aunts for the 4th so that he and I could have time to talk or do what ever I wanted to do to comfort myself...He knew it was going to be really h*** o* me to deal with the 4th that year because it was my grandpa's birthday...He asked what I wanted to do I told him perfurable sit at home and drink....He understood that but said his brother would like us to come over...I said okay only because his brother and I are best friends....We got there and his brother had alcohol and we all got drunk togeather and they let me cry and vent my way through the 4th...In the long run that helped just for that night...How I deal with it now is I bought a note book and I write my grandfather letters when I get to missing him....I tell him my thoughts, my worries, about the kids, and whatever else comes to mind at the time I'm writting it....I know it might sound silly but it does help with the grief....It's like talking to them even though they are in heaven and you can always look back and re read a letter you wrote before and tell them how the situations have changed.....I know at times you might end up crying by the end of the letter but crying is part of grieving.....It will get better in the end....If you really want to talk with her go to the cemetery sit at her grave site and talk away....Trust me it might look odd but that helps to...I do that too...

Hello T.

I'am a 60 year old woman, but I have read each and everyone of these replys to you, which tells me this is part of your healing process because everyone who is on here is feeling the same grieve you are in a certain way from someone they have lost, you see I took care of both my parents the last 8 years of their lives,and they both were walking on canes when they came to my home, then they both went to wheel chairs until the nest move was totaly bedridden changeing feeding 28 meds aday for both, my Dad was the first to go on 9/11 oh my gosh I was devasted because we always think our parents will live forever, then just last January I lost my mom, they say its the greatest gift you can give someone to take care of them and be with them through their passing , now I may be 60 years old but then I still felt like a child and my selfish love for them diid not want to let go and I felt its was'nt exactly the greatest gift watching them take their last breath, but remember god doesn't give you more than you can handle. and on this site you have some great people helping you through this take it and let your feelings out because each and everyone of on here are still having feelings, and helping each other grow stronger,the first year after passing of both of them was also hard for me so you really need to stay in touch on here it is very important, as we all still need to talk and grieve and this helps us all, you see I think your Grandmother lead you to this site. so squeese her hand 3 times and write about her she will love it. remember she is with you .I notice little things around me everyday and know that its my parents trying to rach to me and that makes me feel good. remember you are helping us as well to allow us to vent also.

A Friend from God
C. B

Dear T.:

I am very sorry for your deep loss. I have experienced the loss of numerous loved ones and, on a personal level, I can completely relate. I am also a social worker; it sounds like you may benefit from seeking a support group to manage your grief or find relief from individual counseling. Everyone deals with grief differently and it may pass naturally with time, but I wouldn't feel comfortable not sharing my thoughts on your options. Your local hospital should have information to help you find a group. No matter what you do, try to postively manage your feelings the best you can and know your grandmother is always with you. Take good care of yourself..you are in my thoughts.

J.

T., almost 3 years ago, when my second daughter was only 4 weeks old and my oldest was only 6 years old, my husband passed away in a motorcycle accident. I didn't want to live my life without him, especially raising my two daughters alone. I found my strength in God and in my two wonderful daughters. It's been almost 3 years now, and I have to say it hasn't been easy. Each day I have to face the day for my children not just for me. I had the need to show my 6 year old that life does go on even though tragic things happen to us. My oldest girl had to grow up faster than I would have liked...because her daddy was now dead. My youngest girl will never know her dad like her sister did. We have the wonderful memories to get us through, but I had to show my girls that we had to push past the pain in order for us to be okay. I am glad that I did this now becuase both my girls are strong in spirit. Rarely do they let anything stop them, and rarely do they give up! I have raised them on my own in Austin, where I have no immediate family. If I can do this, you can do it too. Just keep your faith! Keep your chin up! Remember that your grandmother would have wanted you to keep moving forward...not backwards. If nothing else, do it for your children!!!!!!

Here's one of the most important things I learned about grief...you will feel it as long as it takes. You don't have to stop until you're ready.

It's natural to cry a lot. She was someone you saw every day. Keep crying until you're done. sometimes it's ok to let your girls see it. The strongest warrior is one with a soft center.

The only other thing I can tell you is that eventually the grief will fade, bit by bit, day by day. And you will have her in your heart always.

I've carried my dad in my heart daily since I was 15. My ex-partner got the child we were going to adopt. It does get easier, I promise you this.

And you and your husband can share your feelings with each other in strength and love, not as something that brings you down. That's what partnership is about.

Bright blessings on you and yours.

Hello, I am very sorry about your loss. I just know from dealing with a passing of a loved one, you just have to allow the grieving process to take its course. Trust me things will get better. Be careful not to allow the grieving process take over your life. I lost my mom 14 years ago all of a sudden from asthma. At first it did feel like I wasn't going to make it and I was tired of crying. But as time went on I started to be thankful for the time I had with her and celebrate her life and all the things she taught me. That soon turned my sad frown into a smile. Also prayer really works!!! My faith in God really sustained me. Continue to talk about your grandmother, that can be really therapeutic as well. Your in my prayers, God Bless You!!

T. P.

T., losing a loved one is the hardest emotion to go through. Although you cannot physically see, talk or touch your Grandma, she is with you spiritually. Sometimes when your emotions are so high, you don't realize she is there. Remember the 3 hand squeeze and the calming in the room. This was the Lord letting you know it was time for Grandma. You were blessed by being able to witness and feel this with her and just keep those special moments close to your heart and smile when you think about it, because no one else had that special moment but you.

If you read Proverbs 3:5&6, I believe you will find peace with this passage.

I hope this helps as when my parents past, I too had special moments with them.

May the Lord Bless you and keep you and your family safe.
S. M.

I am so sorry for your loss. We all mourn differently as everyone has said. I think the key is to know that there are different steps to grieving and I always like to picture grief like a river. We are floating along and can get off and on at any step at any time, so one day we can feel like we are coping and the next day feel like it is the first day all over again. I think the best advice I ever received about reaching out to talk to someone was that when you least feel like you could call someone is the time you SHOULD call and talk. That usually happens when the grief is unbearable that we feel like closing up. I will keep you in my prayers.

I am so sorry for your loss. We lost my husbands father this summer and things just didn't make sense to me for a while. I agree that you should see professional help. Either start with your family doctor (or your OB/GYN) or call a community center. They can hook you up with someone to talk to. With your husband out of work money may be tight, but you need this right now. You can ask to be seen on a sliding scale so it won't cost too much. Good luck to you.

T., you will always feel as if your grandma should be here with you. Even though she's gone that's okay. If you feel you need to cry do just that... What I recommend that you do is sit down and write a letter to your grandma and get it ready as if you were going to mail it, and then put it away. Whenever you think about your grandma and start to miss her just pull this letter out and read it.
I just had a really good friend that lost her grandma last week and it's going to be rough for her, because her grandma was like her best-friend. She went to visit her almost everyday. If she didn't see her, she was on the phone with her. She truly loved her grandma. With me being a good friend to her I'm going to do all that I can for her, if she wants to go to her grandma's house ,I'm going to ride with her or meet her there, if she wants me to comeover for 5 minutes I'm going to be there,whatever she wants to do to get through this rough time I'm going to always be there for her. Right now you both need as much support as you can possibly get. There's nothing wrong with that at all. When you love someone you love them.....

Its never easy too get over a death but you have to remember the good times, Its not a bad thing to go sit by yourself and have a cry. Keep praying the pain will go away. Good luck

Unfortunately, death is a part of life. You need to quit dwelling on your Grandmother's last few days in the hospital and the upsetting phone call and start celebrating her life and all the wonderful times you had with her. Also, I recommend you seek out some counseling and possibly get on some anxiety medicine. Remember you are a mother and your children need you in a healthy mind and sprit. Life is too short. Be the happy person you can be for your family.

Dear T.,
It is tough losing any loved one, but my advice to you would be to count your blessings. I have lost my grandparents and parents and that was hard, but the biggest loss I have ever had, which is in another whole league and I hope you never have to experience it, is the loss of a child. I have three daughters, too, like you, except now my middle daughter is with us only in spirit, due to a tragic accident just under one year ago, when she was 21. This pain is unbearable and I am hanging on by a thread for the sake of my other two daughters. I'm sure I am older than you, but know that you will be able to heal from losing your grandma. Your girls will be ok. They are lucky to have ever had a great grandma in their lives. Just keep talking about her with your girls and your mother whenever you can and don't be afraid to cry a little in front of them.
Take care,
D. M

first off i want to say that i'm sorry for your loss. she sounded like a wonderful woman. i just lost my step-daughter in november to a car accident she was 15. i have been told to just grieve, cry whenever you feel the need. scream if you have too. stay in bed for that extra few minutes just to get your barings. the pain of losing someone you are very close to will never really go away. there will always be something that will remind you of that person. sounds silly but i cried while i was vaccuming because it drove me crazy the way she tried. try talking to your doctor about maybe a counseling session. who knows, maybe try finding a friend that you can count on. do whatever feel the best. i have 2 other kids and they are 5&4. it is hard to mourn her in front of them but if it has to be done than do it. it just shows them that the world is not perfect and sometimes their super-hero mommies break too. hang in there, eventually it will be easier to handle