How to Deal with Son Using "Unkind" Words

My younger brother is several years younger then the rest of us kids so he grew up around teenagers and picked up on a lot of the things that we said or did. My mother would tell him that those words were "rude talk" and not nice to say. He would then catch us older kids saying stuff and tell us that it was "rude talk" and we would get in trouble for it. I have had to use this same thing with my girls when my brother, who is now the teenager, is around. It is important for kids to learn how to talk nice but it is just as important to teach them that not everyone has the same standards that you do and sometimes other people might say or do things that are not ok for us to do.

Immediately ask him to think of a better way to say the same thing or a more acceptable way of saying it, this will expand his vocabulary, sometimes they just don't have another word they know and just need a suggestion. Maybe make up a nonsense word he can say at times when he wants to say these words, positive reinforcement is always better than the negative.
If he again mentions the movies stress that these are not real people and they don't act like real people, the words are there to make you laugh, but you shouldn't use them. If he doesn't accept that, tell him if he repeats things from the movie you will put the movie up for an amount of time, this would probably have the most impact!!

Hi AV!
I like your token idea. You are not making a big deal of it then, just letting him know that he has done something that there will be a consequence for.
As far as movies go, I think you are on the right track in letting him know that there are things that he will see and hear in movies, and elsewhere, that are not ok for him. These words and actions will continue to escalate in the movies he watches as he gets older and if you start by explaining this to him now, it will be easier as he gets older.

I used to tell my kids that they would hear and see things in movies that were not really acceptable in "the real world" and were certainly not in our family. I would tell them that if I trusted them enough to know the difference between what was ok in the movies and what was ok for them, then I could continue to allow them to watch, and that if I noticed that the movies were causing them to have bad behavior then we would not watch movies again until I was sure that they were "mature" enough to understand the difference. This has worked for my family as we have gone from G to PG to (in some instances) PG-13 movies, as my kids have gotten older. I still monitor what they watch fairly carefully, and sometimes we talk about why they needed to say or do certain things in a movie just to get a certain rating.

I think that it is really good for a young one to learn that each family has different attitudes about things and that what someone else finds acceptable may not be acceptable in your family.

Best of luck to you and your family!
L.

When my daughter says rude things I give her a warning. I tell her its not nice. The first time she says something bad I let her know shes not allowed to say that, and if she does it again she will be in trouble. Lately shes saying she HATES things, like naps and stuff. I tell her not to talk like that and if she does she punished. We dont really have problems with it, because she knows there will be consequences for it. You mentioned not saying anything when he said idiot, which to him probably makes it ok. And I dont really think 4 year old should be running around saying stupid and idiot. They will get in trouble at school for saying it. I have had some people tell me I should just ignore bad behavior.....are you kidding me? These kids need guidance, not ignoring them while they are calling someone an idiot. Personally that advice is just not for me. I would just keep on him.

I think he is probably "testing his limits" and it is up to you to set firm limits and stick to them!!!
Let him know that he is being hurtful and unkind...tell him that isn't the type of behavior that you want to see in your son. I like the idea of the time out in the "sad spot" or taking away tokens...I also like the idea that one of the other Mom's had about restricting his movie watching if he can't draw the line between what is going on in the movies and what is allowed at your house.
Be firm, be kind ( and make sure you are modeling the kind of communication that is acceptable to you!!!) and be loving...it WILL get better!!!

Oh...I know your pain! My son picked up words like "shutup" from Thomas the Tank as well as mannerisms like crashing and bashing and general rudeness. In the movie Cars there are two times that they say "Hillbilly Hell". How can they put those words in kids shows? So, I think the first problem is irresponsible programing for kids. But, since we mainly want to deal with our own kids, we will take on Pixar and Hit Entertainment later!

When I heard my son say "shut up" he was playing with his trains re enacting the scene in which he heard it. I was startled, but knew where it had come from. I told him that was not a word that we (our family) used and that he was not to say it. I also have never showed him that episode again and am gradually weening him off of Thomas shows altogether.

I don't think we can show them shows like this and them expect them not to repeat the things they hear. So, my answer is stop letting him watch the shows gradually and to preview all of the new shows that he may watch. Also, try to editing out the things he may see at friends or grandparents houses. Just be firm about what you will and will not let him watch.

Key thing though: Act calmly when he says those words you don't want him to say, do not take away his points for it either. You could award him points when he has a whole day he has used his nice words. Or if a whole day is too long for him, break it into morning and afternoon and nighttime.

Either way I understand your frustration and wish you good luck!

This advice may sound strange, but it has worked for me and my family. When my kids say those words, they go immediately to time out, I do not give them any warnings, they go straight to time out. But, that has helped with the movies, when they are watching a movie and they hear one of those key words, I tell the character who said the word to go in time out as well and tell them that they are going in time out for saying a bad word. Obviously, I can't put the character in time out, but it has let my kids know that it's not okay for the characters to say those words either. My 3 year old will even catch it now and she will say before I can to "go to time out for saying that bad, bad word". It's actually kind of cute now and they know that they are not allowed to say those words without going directly to time out as well. I hope this helps.

Hello, first off let me start off by saying that I too think that it is a big deal when my son says theses words. I think that it's sad that they even use these words in a G movie. Some people think that I make a big deal about what I let my 3 year old son watch but they pick up so much stuff. My son loves the movie nemo but in the movie, Nemo tells his dad that he hate's him after my son watched it he started telling me that. I do the same thing that you do, I tell him that it's not okay to say and it's not nice, then if he says it again I tell him to go sit in time out. I also tell him that those words make me sad when he says them. He still says stupid sometimes but other than that he really doesn't say them much anymore. I word just continue to tell him that it's not nice to say stuff like that and continue to use time out if he does. Good luck with evetrything and God Bless you and your family!

it helps a lot if day care and preschool reinforce zero tolerance for words like stupid. that is where our son is but I know others don't take issue
it will probably pass

I just wanted to say that you are not being overly sensitive about those words - we weren't allowed to say them when we were kids either, and I don't plan to let our children say them. It sounds like you are on the right track and have some good advice. Good luck!

Good Morning AV. Hey we are there also with our 4 yr old gr son. Same words too. Along with Silly which in it's self is ok, until he starts to try to correct ME with No Silly Nana! Then them there are fighting words....lol
He has stopped saying them on a regular basis now.

I thought for a while he was getting it from his cousin who is also 4 until July, cause he will say Go way, shut up, leave me alone and Corbin used to cry when Asher would get ugly with him. Long talk with Asher Stopped that nonsense.
I don't tell corbin these are naughty words I tell him he is being ugly to Nana when he says them. Then I do ask him if Nana says Shutup or calls him stupid or idiot. Always No Nana. I have had to bring out the big threat though and that is to wash his mouth out with soap. So far I haven't had to. Our son's lived and didn't die from washing their mouths out. So he won't either.
When he tells me Daddy says Shutup or stupid, I tell him Dad is an adult and I know he shouldn't say those word either, but daddys usually do what they want too. So I talked to my son about it. At first he said Mom I don't say that. I had to tell him ya you do especially when your on the phone with one of your buddies, Corbin can hear what you say. Even if it is innocent in the conversation they pick up your words and how you use them. Like when Corbin walked up to his Papa and said What the H377 ya doing Papa!! He sounded just like You! He finally GOT it!

Kids pick up and say what they hear. We stopped watching Car's every day and there are some cartoons we stopped watching also for the same reason.
Tia (9) and her brother Austin (8) when they were younger were on the stairs playing and they know Nana doesn't like anyone to say Butt, so Tia called Austin a Butthead, Austin said Tiaaaaaa Nana says not to say Butt, so she looked at him and said You Hinnyhead. :)) :))

Whatever you decide to use as discipline keep it up. Whether it's time out or loosing his tokens keep doing it. They finally get the message.

God Bless AV hopefully other Mama's will give you better idea's on this one.

K. Nana of 5

Out of 4 kids, only one of them (#4) had this problem. She wanted to say 'shut-up' in the worst way! It was her favorite word. I told her that if she said it, I was going to wash the word out of her mouth... with soap. I made her lick a bar of soap. Well, she'd lick it and look at me and say, "Shut-up." grrr. A friend asked if I'd tried Softsoap. She'd squirt her kid a mouthful! eww! I didn't have the nerve to use that much, so I told her that if she said the bad word again, I'd put softsoap in her mouth. She looked at me and said, "Shut-up!" I couldn't believe her nerve! None of the others EVER tried me like this. So, I put a partial squirt of Softsoap on my finger and put it on her tongue. You never heard such screaming! It must've tasted HORRIBLE!!! She cried and spit and .... never said the word again. It was like a miracle! I'd tried every soap I could think of and this was all it took. She's 19 1/2 now, and SUCH a good, sweet girl! It would be worth a try. And here's a hint... be consistant. If you threaten it... do it.. every time! Don't miss even once.

Just keep at it! When he uses words you do not consider appropriate, tell him and always be consistent. (Someone else is always doing it but that doesn't make right for us and we aren't going to say that.) This is the first of many similar things to come so take control now and don't relent.

You have got some great advise. My son is 4 and I still have issues with it. I can tell you that it does get better. My son understands hurt feelings because when I get on to him for something he has done he tells me that it hurts his feelings. I explain to him that these words are hurtful and they hurt feelings. I also explain that other people might use them but it is not okay for him to use and if he continues then he gets toys or things that he likes taken away temporarily until he behaves better. The idea with the timer and making them repeat it over and over sounds like a good idea too. My son does stuff sometimes just to push buttons because he can but he understands better that these words are mean and not to say them. It gets better. Hang in there, and you are a great person to be concerned with your son saying things like this. I agree that it is sad that movies that kids can enjoy use these remarks in them. Just keep positive and it will all be great.

He is Old enough to understand there are words that are ok to say and words that are not. I watch a 3 year old that is newly turned 3 and he is so smart he blows my mind. If he can't stop saying the words then the movies that Say those words should go bye bye...maybe that seems harsh, but I have very strict rules in my house about what is nice to say and what is not. If you want to go the "positive route" which is what seems to be the current trend in discipline...make a sticker chart and for every day he goes w/o saying the no no words he gets a sticker, and set a small goal...7 days in a row with no naughty words and a trip out with mom for an ice cream or whatever small treat will entice him, doesn't have to cost any money, maybe an extra hour of tv time...you know what will motivate your child better than anyone else...sit down and ask him if he knows how using those words makes other people feel, he is old enough to understand feelings to an extent.
I am so glad you sound seriously concerned...I hear some pretty cruel things out of the mouths of babes when the kids are playing outside and I blame television and parents lack of concern.
Lots of luck
B.

I don't let my children say those words either. I have a 6, 4, 3 and 1 year old. I tell them to say, please be quiet, stop talking...The 4 year old does get angry at his older brother and will sometimes, not very often, say shut up. If he does he goes to time out, period. With 4 young children trying to talk at once it can get crazy. When we are in the mini van and they are all trying to talk they have to wait until I call their name or they can raise their hand. This is when he gets frustrated and sometimes blurts out an unkind word... Sounds nuts but it is the only way to keep my sanity sometimes! He says other kids say it and I tell him that other families have different rules and these are our rules. I don't give him a 15 minutes explanation of why. He is 4 so I keep it simple. Also, I don't feel like I have to explain every detail or everything I do. Sometimes rules are rules, just like the real world. You may not always agree with the rules but that is life. I do think he is testing you. My 4 year old knows the rule so he goes immediately to time out. He really dos not like this when he is outside and has to come in from playing. This too shall pass!

I agree with all the other responses but I had to add one more. My Parents as Teachers told me that if these things don't work, you should take him into another room so the other kids don't hear, set a timer for one minute and make him say that word over and over till the timer stops. He will probably get tired of it after about 30 seconds but he must continue to the end. She said he will get so tired of saying it and the reaction is so different that he will then be able to listen to you when you explain why we don't talk like that. Hope this helps! Good Luck!

He's probly just trying to get your attention & push your buttons. Try spending more alone time with him, if that doesn't work:
Try taking away priviledges (tv, games, ect.) or the tokens. My mom's friends daughter had a 2 y/o that would bite. Her parents would not completely wash the soap off of their hands so there was just a thin layer & when she would bite they would touch her tounge. It was just enough yucky soap flavor to taste & she stopped biting. I just tell my boys (7 & 3) that we don't say those words & that is all they need, but I will try the layer of soap if need be.

God bless!

I have wanted to write in and ask the same question lately!! My 2 1/2 yr old son has been saying "I hate you" or "I hate this/that". He also says stupid and stupid head (from Lilo & Stitch!!) I've tried sticking my finger in vinegar and putting it in his mouth. He just yells, spits and tells me he hates me! I've tried putting him in his room and telling him I don't want to be around him when he says mean things. And lately I've done time out. I do think this has been the most effective. He usually says he's sorry when he gets up without me telling him to. The problem is finding what works best and then being consistent. Why do they put things like this in movies made for kids??? Why in Nemo & Lilo & Stitch do they say I hate you, Stupid Head, Butt, etc...