How to Deal - Dont Get Me Wrong I Love Him to Death.

Updated on January 05, 2011
T.M. asks from Gainesville, GA
19 answers

This Is a very complicated situation. I'm 21, married, 8 months pregnant, and still living with my Dad. I have a 2 year old daughter and stay at home all day everyday. My husband and I have been trying to get on our feet for some time now but my father has us paying all his bills plus our own. Not to mention diapers, wipes, etc. My husbands income is barely enough to pay the bills. We cant put any money back at all. We've cut out all the pleasures for ourselves. I want so desperately to have my own home with my own rules etc. My Dad wont budge on the bills though. OH and im also in debt to him $350.00 and cant even pay that to him because of the freakin bills. I know we got ourselves into this situation and should have thought things through from the begining but enough is enough. I cant raise my own daughter unless its by my dads standards. When he comes home she completely stops listening to me because he over rides everything I tell her. Ex: I make her dinner and she dosn't want what I make because Paw paws going to give her sweets instead. My Dad also has a problem with his temper. But only towards me. I keep his house spotless. I don't always cook dinner and he has the biggest problem with that. He thinks women should have dinner ready and on the table when the men get home from work. There's no pleasing him. Im so frustrated all the time now. My husband is to the point of leaving us here so he can go somewhere to actually save money for our own place But with me being this far along he cant do it and if he did and it doesn't work out my Dear Daddy wont let him come back. Were like little puppets on a string jumping when he says jump. I'll admit there were some places my husband found we could afford but there in bad areas or the homes are in really bad conditions that I wouldn't even want to see a dog live in. Am I too picky? That's what my husband thinks but he'll be at work all day and ill be home by myself with the kids. We've been here for a little over a year now. I don't think I can handle another month. Tension is building high and i'm worried my husband is eventually going to snap on my dad for snapping on me all the time. What do I do? How can we get out of here??? Btw were not physically abused, sometimes verbaly, but my dad would never strike out at any of us.

To give a better picture: My husband brings in $250-300/week Construction
And we are on food stamps...
Monthly Bills Include

Water $45 - $65
Electricity $150 - $250
T.V. $80 - $110
Car ins $60
Phone $50
Diapers $80
Wipes $40
Gas $270
Other $100

My Dad pays the house note $600 , his own gas $450, Cigarettes $160+, Car ins $80, and phone bill $75. And he has to pay on the bills sometimes when we just cant cover them. I swear they all come at the same damn time!!!

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

First off thanks for all the advice. We tried pawning the title to our car so we could put a down payment on a place, pay our bills, pay my dad off, and get the things we need for the baby but that blew up in our face when I realized my dad has the title to our car until we pay him off. He does not agree with us pawning the title. He thinks we should wait until we get our taxes back... So being we have no other options that's what were going to do. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and my baby is 7lbs. My baby shower is this weekend. Im trying to look at the positive for now. It helps get me through all the stressful b.s. Again thanks everyone.

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answers from San Francisco on

This sounds like a really tough situation! I don't have any specific advice except to say that I hope you get some good advice on here! Maybe there is somewhere else you can stay even if it's in a new area?

1 mom found this helpful

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answers from New York on

I was in kinda a similar situation over a year ago when me my husband and my baby were living with my parents due to hard times and my parents were very controlling and abusive and made it darn near impossible to live there. What we did, was we found a 1 bedroom apartment in a okay area. It was a TINY apartment, but it was all we could afford and we were sooooo freaking happy there because we could raise our child to our standards and be alone. While we were living there, my husband found a fabulous job and after our lease expired we moved in to a much nicer place. If u cant find any apartments that arent in a terrible area, call your countys human services department. They can help you out with rental assistance and get you set up with something you can afford. They can even het you hooked up with foodstamps and assistance paying for utilities (ie heat, electric, ect) if your income qualifies. Also, have you considered renting a mobile home? Go to and search for your area. Mobile home living is relatively cheap and affordable. If you dont like it, you can always move. However, if I were you, Id move out soon. I didnt move out soon enough when i was living with my parents, and our relationship is forever scarred.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

It sounds like you're tired. With a 2 year old, 8 months pregnant, and in a unfavorable temporary living situation, this shouldn't be surprising. I suggest that you make a list of your options, and "Making my dad change" is not an option because you cannot control other people. Make a list of your options, and another list of your priorities. Be honest with yourself and brace yourself for an uncomfortable decision. For example, if your options include 1) staying with dad without my husband, and 2) moving into a slum with my husband; and your priority is your marriage, then after the baby is born be prepared to move into the slum.

Whatever course you make, based on what you wrote above, it may not be pleasant. But remember this is a season of life. Seasons come and go and life never remains the same for long. So, whether you stick it out with dad or move into the slum, it, just like the seasons, will be temporary.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

Why on earth are you paying your Dad's bills? Talk about being used! It's one thing to require you to pay rent and to contribute to bills if you're living there, but to pay ALL of the bills? Where is Dad's money? Time to move to an apartment my dear. Daddy can figure out how to cook and pay his own bills. You have a family now, and it's only going to get much worse. One day your husband is going to get REALLY so sick and tired of it you're going to find out it's just you, the kids and Daddy. I also think if you're paying all of Daddy's bills for him, then your $350.00 debt is paid.

IF you didn't pay all of your father's bills, I'm sure you could afford an apartment to rent. You also probably qualify for WIC. Also -make sure you get some very reliable birth control after your baby is born until you and your husband can get your family into a place to live and get ahead a bit. More babies will only put you further behind financially -not to mention requiring even more space. Look into waiting tables somewhere where you'll do well a few nights a week after your husband gets home like Chili's, TGIFridays, Long Horn, Olive Garden -popular and busy chain restaurants like that. You could clear a couple hundred bucks two nights a week easily -especially if one of those nights is a Friday or Saturday. Whatever you do though -get out of your Dad's house. Sorry -but he sounds like a leech. He should be trying to help YOU -not asking you to pay for him.

***After looking at your expenditures and what your husband is making -he needs to do something else. Why is it costing $270 in gas per month? If he's driving that far to work, he's not making enough to justify it. Unplug the tv. Seriously -the most basic service is all you need. No pay channels or special channels. If Daddy demands it, then Daddy can pay for it. No pay per view!

Your husband should check into working for UPS or Fed Ex. They make decent money with benefits. Comcast, Dish Network, Appliance store delivery (Best Buy, HH Greg, Brandsmart) -they all pay decently and he would make more money. Pest control is another option. He would also make a lot more working for a tree service. In the Atlanta area, he should be able to get something making more than $300 a week. HE could wait tables 5 nights a week at Long Horn and make more than that! Someone else suggested a second job stocking shelves -that's a good idea. After the baby has been here a little while -seriously look into waiting tables a few nights per week so you don't have to worry about child care and can supplement your income.

Why are you spending $80 a month on diapers for one 2 year old? At the very, very most I spend maybe $50 -and that's buying pull ups and diapers for my 2 year old. I do NOT buy Pampers or Huggies. Kroger Comforts brand or Target Up and Up or another store brand will work for you. They're almost 50% less (especially with coupons) than name brands. Same goes for wipes! I don't care for Kroger Comforts wipes, but the Target Up and Up brand is almost identical to Huggies. Through two messy boys I've never spend $40 a month on wipes! One of those huge, triple refills of Target brand wipes costs 9.99 and lasts more than a month usually. Start using wet washcloths or cheaper paper towels or something if you're using that many. You can get out on your own and you should. Find ways to economize and make money. Hubby needs a different job! Cut down in as many ways as possible. Start using store brands for EVERYTHING. You'll find a few things that just don't cut it, but you'll be really surprised at how most store brands are just as good as name brands for half the price -at least that's what I've found with Kroger and Target brands. Most Publix brands are really good too.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

Are you on assistance? Ask about being put on a section 8 list... If not getting assistance i would sign up... Don't tell dad about it, then pocket what WOULD be spent so you have a bit for a down payment or first and last rent... ALSO... Talk to the land lords... Some people are willing to over look the security deposit for a bit or split it into payments...
No matter what you do, your dad is going to look at you as either "failure" or "abandoner"... Do what is best for YOUR familys harmony and let dad stew in his own juices... And don't tell dad you are moving till right before you do... Or the bills will go up and there will be new ways to keep you down.

After reading your addition to your post I can see that there is ALOT of room for improvement...
#1... Use this time to go to school. Talk to your case worker and ask about getting educational assistance and cash assistance. They will PAY for your education!!! Then you can get a better than $300.- week grunt job and let hubby go to school while you work so he can jump up the pay scale.
#2... Reality my dear says your gonna have MORE bills when you move out... I know that you were probibly venting a bit when you first wrote the post, but all the bills yo ulisted will still be there AND others!
#3... Savings... Do you use coupons? Shop sales? etc? We have a family of 6... Until about 2 weeks ago we had 2 kids in diapers and we NEVER spent that much on diapers and wipes! :-) What brands are you buying? Check out the website! (Look into what your stores coupon policy is... I buy Pampers and Huggies CHEAPER than I can get any store brand by using coupons that double and shopping sales)... And yes, I was also wondering what you guys are driving and how far... Perhaps you would save $ by getting a smaller vehicle for the long trips... We have 2 vehicles (minivan and an older saturn) Hubby drives about an hour each way to work 5 days a week or more... I do car pool and all the local running... we spend less than $200.- on a busy week that gas prices are up... I would log where you go and why and see if you can combine trips and how much unneeded running are you doing...
#4... I am not sure what type of construction hubby is in, but unless he's not full time, he should be making more than that... Find out if him getting certified in something would bump the pay scale up... Sometimes something as simple as getting a cdl or forklift license jumps it... and sometimes the company is willing to pay for all the training if you commit to working there for a while more...
There are options, you just need to look for them!
Good luck!!!!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I'm still trying to figure out why your dad is having you pay HIS bills and your bills. If he's allowing you to stay there to "help" your small family, how does he expect you to save anything?
If you were paying your own rent and bills, could you make it?
I can see paying your dad something for allowing you to live there but if you're paying all of the household bills and your own personal expenses, how is that helping?
Sometimes you've gotta walk through the fire to get to the other side. In your case, that could mean getting the best place you can & moving, or talking to your dad about a revised bill-dividing plan, OR maybe your husband should move out so he can save, but what about HIS living expenses elsewhere and then you've gotta be prepared to leave at a certain point.
IDK, tough O., but I'm a huge Dave Ramsay fan and he always say the "borrower is slave to the lender" and it sounds like you're living that principle right now.
Can your husband get a 2nd evening job maybe for the "saving stash"? That might be a really good idea.
Another thought on the sub-par living conditions--sometimes when you're young & just starting out--a home is what you make it. It can be sparse and still clean and pleasant.
Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

You've got a 2 year old in Diapers and wipes. Your a stay at home mom. Find a way to get the 2 year old out of diapers by potty training her. (This frees up 120.00 a month). Next question, if you're having problems and you only have one child, why would you get pregnant with number two? You've just compounded your problem because now you have two kids in diapers, formula, bottles, wipes and a number of other things to consider.
I know you may love kids but right now you are in no situation to have anymore.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Lincoln on

You need to get out now. Your husband needs to be the man of the house. This isn't fair to him, your children, or you.
Tell your dad you will be moving out in February, but because of moving expenses you won't be able to pay the bills this month. Apologize, but explain that you just don't have enough.
Then move! Wherever you find. Let your husband find you a home, even if its not your ideal home its better that you be with your husband than your father.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

Step back and look at this situation as if it were happening to someone else.
Look at the fact that this is a grown woman, who is married, who is a mother to a toddler, and is expecting another child.
Look at the fact that they had hard times and had to move back home with her father.
Look at the fact that he is making them pay ALL (??) his bills, plus their own, keeping them for all intense and purposes, his slaves.
Look at the fact that this mother has no authority over her own child when this child's grandfather is around.
Look at the fact that this grown woman is admittedly verbally abused by her father (in front of her child?).
Then look at the fact that this is teaching your daughter that it is acceptable to be treated like a slave and verbally abused by a man.
Look at the fact that your husband cannot be the head of the household and is considering leaving his family to better the situation.

You need to get out. Now. This is totally and completely unhealthy for all involved.

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answers from New York on

This makes absolutley no sense. Why are you paying dad's bills???? How much are dad's bills each month that you pay? To me the solution is simple, don't pay his bills. Take that money and use it to get a place of your own.

Do you have a budget? Sit down and plan one out. That will give you a true picture of your financial situation and whether you can afford to move out.

You are correct, you got yourself into this situation and only you can fix it. This situation didn't happen overnight and it can't be fixed overnight.

Ok, I read your update.
You're NOT paying all of dad's bills. Do you realize that what you are paying is more than fair? Rather than paying Dad a set monthly rent, he is having you pay the expenses directly. Since there are 3 of you living in the house, and you and your child are there all day, obviously you're using a lot more of the electricy and water than he is.

Look at it another way. What are the total monthly household expenses (mortgage, utiliities including electric, water, tv, house phone, food). Let's say $1,480, split 4 ways, you and hubby should be paying $1,110. Your paying less than that.

Ok let's look at your expenses. $80 a week for diapers seems high, but it's been a long time since my kids were in diapers. $40 for wipes is high, maybe you should be using washclothes and soap and water. TV - why does this price vary, it should be a set price and it's way too high. You don't need tv, disconnect it, or order just the basic cable. $270 gas, what are you driving and where?

Now let's look at your income - hubby is either only making minimum wage or works less than 40 hours a week. Why isn't he working 2 jobs? Ok, 8 months pregnant, I can understand why you're not working now, but what about 5 months ago?

The way I see it, you're very lucky that your father allows you to live with him. If you want to have the finer things in life you need to work for them.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

I would say get out of there in any way possible before it really damages your relationship with your husband and/or daughter.

Is there a friend or a family member of his you could stay with for a month or two to get a deposit for a place?

Or maybe just stop paying your dads bills, be ready to leave if he asks you too.

Do you have United Way or a church or other community services that may be able to help you?

Remember, a home is made by you and your husband for your children, not by the walls or carpet inside of a house.

I hope you can figure something out soon! **HUGS

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Get out however you can and as soon as possible, even if it means your husband getting a second job stocking shelves at Walmart. Go consult a family shelter in your area, they can help you get into housing. Your bills come before any excess bills your father is putting on you. There are low-income housing areas available that are fairly decent and can provide something for you until you can find something better. Call your county's human resources dept, they can help with food stamps, rent and the like for now:

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answers from Seattle on

Your dad sounds abusive and controlling. I would leave as soon as possible. Call the local community information line in your area for help and resources.

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answers from Seattle on

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this stress being so close to having your second little love. Not a good situation to be in.

I think that you need to find ways to get assistance. Go to your local family source office and see what things you qualify for. Anything. Food stamps, WIC you definatly would. Anything helps. You could even qualify for housing, alot of decent places are on state help and it will help you get back on your feet. Its what its there for.

I would personally go through the bills, its crazy that your father, is making you pay for all the bills. Especially when you are his daughter, children should not be providing for their parents, parents are supposed to provide, and help their children. He should be trying to help you get back on your feet seeings how you have a new baby coming about.
Maybe he is scared of losing you, and its his way of making sure you stick around so he can see you.
Have you tried sitting down and having a serious talk with him? Tell him dad, I love you, love being here but I think we need to find a better way to deal with these bills, I need to get out on my own with my own family and live our lives. We cant stay here forever, and us paying all the bills is taking a toll on us, and it is making it harder for us to get by.
Be honest and direct with him and see what he says.

As for your husband, tell him too, you will not, and cannot live in a place that isnt safe. Does he really want his wife, and children, especially a new baby living in a place where you are afraid? I wouldnt think so. You have every right to be a little picky. Its not like you are turning down a perfectly good place. I think he is just stressed himself trying to provide for his family, and its taking a toll on him too. It will be okay.

I really hope that things work out for you, I do. Try your best to remember to breathe and take it one day at time, and not to stress too hard. Easier said then done, but it cant last forever and things will get better soon as they can. At least you have each other to depend on.

This too shall pass.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

I could see where your dad might want you to pay your share, but why in the world are you paying his bills and everything? Since you are home all day go through all the bills. Somehow determine what percentage you and your hubs should pay. Tell your dad you want to be able to move out soon and the situation he has you in makes it IMPOSSIBLE. I was also in this situation with my mom we lived with for over a year. She billed us for everything and I never felt we could catch up and get out. I interviewed my A** off and got a great paying job, never told her how much and saved for 6 months and when she left on her vacation me and the hubs and babe moved into our own place. She was shocked when she got home, I left everything immaculate and left her whatever money I owed her and was out!! Look for a job and stash that money get out as soon as you can. Best of luck!!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Charleston on

With your costs increasing with the new baby, it appears you'll have to deal with this another year at least. Would your husband qualify for a state or federal job with better benefits? Love your children through this and hide your frustration from them. You and your husband need to be united in your plan of attack. Good luck.


answers from Tampa on

Sounds like you need to ask for a housing voucher. You need to leave that man's house. Even if the money issue wasn't so huge - the fact that you cannot be a parent to your child as you see fit is an issue.

There are programs - most are temporary... to hep poor - low income families get a small place of their own. I hope GA isn't as horrible about the waiting lists as FL is!

Good luck! Move ASAP, even if it's before baby is born.



answers from Athens on

Heed he sage advice from all the other post. Girl, get out. Quickly. Your dad is holding you all back. You have enough to deal with, without having him making excessive finacial demands on your family. Your husband will leave and then you really will be stuck with your dad.


answers from Buffalo on

You could look into moving into a boarding house. These are usually not very nice places but they are cheap and utilities are included. Even if you had to pay for storage for your stuff it is most likely cheaper. You need to cut back on those bills, for example why are you paying for television ($100!) when you're trying to save for your own place? You will never get out if you don't eliminate some of those expenses, and it may be that the only way to do that is to move. You should not be paying your father's bills, unless you have agreed to live together and share both the bills and responsibilities. It does not sound like that's what is happening.

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