How to Cope with Family Staying for an Extended Period?

The longer you put off this conversation the more likely you will be to say things you never intended to say and hurt the relationship so have this conversation as soon as possible.

Have all the adults sit down and say 'well its been 3 months and I think we need to get a time line in place of when you will be finding your own place and moving out' followed by 'we don't expect you to pay rent but here's a list of chores so you can pitch in and help since we're spending all day working and all weekend cleaning not for a family of 4 but for a family of 7'.

May God bless you.

I have a 3 day rule in my house and I am going nuts on day 2.

When we moved cross country in 1989, hubby had a job lined up and we were closed on the house we bought the day the moving truck showed up.

Asking family for the opportunity to live in rent free for a while would never cross my mind. Even in the worst of situations and I was faced with that, I'd be going above and beyond to contribute to the household by cleaning, etc.

You are being used at this point. It is TOO easy for them to get comfy with this situation.

You should have had an exit time scheduled before they moved in.

At this point, you need to address this and schedule an exit from your home. You have been kind enough to support them 3 months. You have obligations, your savings, retirement, college funds that YOU need to be focused on at this time. YOU are using those finds to support them.

You've been MUCH more gracious than I would be with this situation.

The problem is that your offer is open ended.
They need to be working toward getting an apartment asap.
3 months is a long time - they need to be in their own place before Thanksgiving.
If their goal is to buy a home - they can work on it from an apartment.

You and Hubby have a talk with them.
Tell them they need to line up a place, get a lease signed and move into it Nov 1st.
It's time.
No good deed goes unpunished - they will likely grumble about having to leave and not thank you for the months help you've given them.

If they say they won't go - you'll have to evict them.
The lack of help with chores is beside the point - it should have been spelled out before they moved in - they need to leave.
Enough is enough.

In the mean time - when you are doing cleaning around the house and yard - turn off the tv and hand him a rake or a mop - he's helping right there along side you.
If he doesn't like it - it will be incentive for him to move out.
You can put a plug lock on the tv for that matter.
He's too comfortable - you need to make him uncomfortable.

Additional:
Do not find a way to make it ok for them to stay on with you for a longer time.
That's why it shouldn't be 'do these chores and you can stay till New Years'.
That doesn't solve your problem.

They are not on vacation.
It's your home - you (and your Hubby) are the boss and make the rules.
They need to want to be able to make their own rules - and that can only happen in their own place.

Rather than expound on who is lazy, who did or didn't do this or that chore, I think it is time to take the bull by the horns. I'd sit down with them tonight and let them know how much you have enjoyed their stay, but you are sure that they must be anxious to have their own place by the holidays! In an effort to help them realize this, you have reserved a moving truck for the 31st of October as a housewarming present to them to help them get settled in a new place. I'd also bring up how lucky it is that the brother-in-law doesn't work yet, so moving on a weekday shouldn't provide too much hardship. Be very clear that your home is no longer available to them starting November 1st. If they grumble about not having enough time to find a place, have a list of extended stay hotels available for them to choose from.

I think a family meeting is warranted. You and hubby need to decide how long you are willing to give them, put it in writing. Also, responsibilities should be shared. So are ya'll paying for their food as well? If so, that needs to stop especially since SIL is working.

Approach it like, "ya'll have been here three months. Initially, we thought it would be shorter but we know we didn't have a "time frame". We need one now and we need to establish ground rules and responsibilities during the remainder of your time here with us. While we have enjoyed having you staying, it has been disruptive to our household with added costs and people. We love you and are so happy we were able to do this for you especially since you have been able to save money on rent and daycare but the time has come that we need to get our household back to normal".

I think telling them that they need to be responsible for their meals should be a start. Give them a section in the pantry for "their" food. If they want to eat your food, a grocery fee should be put in place.

They need to get back to paying their own bills.

May I ask why you didn't set a timeframe for departure before they moved in? I realize they are family, but even so, for extended stays with family? We limit it to one month. I might have given a little wiggle room since they were new to the area.

however, it sounds like it's time to sit down and talk with your husband FIRST and tell him you are basically done and need to make sure you are both on the same page. Then sit together with your in-laws and tell them what you two decided.

I wouldn't wait long. I'd say they have until 15 November so they can have their own place for the holidays and start their own family traditions in their new home.

that's crazy. i'd be losing my mind.

even if they WERE contributing, either monetarily or through actively participating in the work necessary to run a household, this would be too long.

for the long-term health of your immediate and extended family, have a conversation about this, preferably later today.

something like, 'erma and ivanhoe, we've been happy to help you out with a place to stay while you get the lay of the land, but it's becoming a tight squeeze. what is your game plan for getting your own place?'

and if that's not getting results, 'dudes, we're thinking november 1st as your move-out date. is there anything we can do to help you get ready?'

low-key, no drama, no complaining, but also very direct and no wiggle room.

plan to have your life back by the holidays.

khairete
S.

YIKES! You've both been more than kind and generous. I think, like others have stated, your hubby needs to call this meeting and be the main speaker.

I would make a list of things you want done on a daily/weekly basis in the interim. Some people have to have things spelled out for them. If you ask for their help and they balk, that's a different story.

My hubby is a hard working go-getter. He wouldn't have patience for someone who's not. I have to remind him that although he is the way he is, not everyone is built like that. Clearly there's a lot of difference in philosophy where your hubby and his brother are concerned. You'll do well to STAY OUT of that conversation.

I think the advice below is well written and outlines many options to end this gig. I would be careful not to engage in any argument and just keep it factual. If they get huffy, try very hard not to take the bait. Then the focus becomes something else besides their exit strategy.

You and your husband have been exceedingly generous. If they don't appreciate it, please don't let it minimize the gift you've given. You will never regret offering this kindness to them and giving them a good start in a new location. Now it's time for them to fly! :)

Keep us posted and good luck to you!

G.

My nephew moved in with us for over 2 years. The first few months was odd as we were adjusting to his schedule (he was living about 2 hours south of his job and we live about 30 minutes). He was out the door at 0500 and home around 6PM. He spent his weekends sleeping. I then asked him to join us as he is family, after all! :)

He had dinner with us from the beginning. But kept to his room most of the time. We told him to join us! He did. I cried when he moved to Texas earlier this year. I miss having him in the house.

I'm sorry your BIL is lazy. That must be infuriating. I would give him a list of small things that need to be done during the day and ask him to do them since he is there. If he won't do it? Tell him that you are allowing him and his family to stay in YOUR HOME rent-free and would appreciate if they would help out. If he can't help out? Give him 30 days to find a new place to live. And since he's your husband's brother? I would have him talk with his brother.

ouch. this kinda sucks. You didn't give them a timeline for departure?

When we moved to Georgia and bought this place, we bought it with the realization we may have to take care of my husband's parents and there was a "guest house" in the back. It was for the pool area, but we had it converted into a small apartment: bedroom, private bath, living room and kitchenette. Unfortunately, my FIL died unexpected a few years ago and my MIL doesn't want to intrude on any of her boys and their families.

I would talk it over with my husband and find out how much longer he can tolerate his brother living with us. I'd ask him to get a list of things that need to be done each day, i.e., getting food out for dinner, laundry done, etc. and tell him you expect him to help out since he is living with you rent free.

I'd also talk with my husband about a deadline for moving out.

I guess your BIL *thinks* that he is being a SAHD, but he does not realize the entirety of that “job description” to be a helpful contributing member of your home!

Set a move-out date. Maybe mid November, in advance of the holidays. (Be realistic, though - don’t set yourself up for bigger frustration - maybe you want to set the date as, say, mid February, if you think that would help you to not feel “guilty” and everyone stick to it.)

If you are feeling very generous, maybe your “advance Holiday gift” to them could be a contribution toward their first month’s rent.

I've never been in your situation - and I can't imagine how stressful it must be. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I like my space.

You seem to have two issues. One is, they aren't helping and that's driving you nuts - primarily your BIL.

The other is, there's no end in sight - until they get on their feet I presume. That seems like really poor planning on their part for moving, although I get this must have been their plan and this must have been discussed with your husband (and you hopefully) when they moved.

So as far as your BIL not helping out - this must be part of his personality - and if it's driving your husband nuts, that's a sibling thing a bit. Hubby needs to address. Husbands deal with their side of the family, you yours (is the rule in general). Even if you're all living together. So hubby needs to ask BIL to help out a bit more - in a diplomatic fashion. Maybe have specific tasks he'd like him to tackle during the day or projects around house on weekends. That's how I'd do it.

Also, the 3 year old is not a 'baby' so treating him like one at this point - a bit counterproductive. BIL can do things during the day. I got a lot done (laundry, meals, etc.) when I was home with multiple little ones. It's doable.

As for when they leave, I guess there needs to be some plan in place - again, hubby needs to be talking to his brother - now that SIL has a job, their must be some revenue coming in. You can find a place to live on one income. I think BIL needs to just find something in the meantime (if he needs to say he's working to get a mortgage) - whether it be on weekends, or whatever - part time. Again, there (their side) needs a plan.

Hubby needs to talk to BIL.

Come up with plan and date for their departure - say by such and such month. It doesn't have to be nasty - have your hubby be supportive and helpful. I do think if BIL was helping out more during week - maybe he could throw a load of laundry on? - you'd feel less frustrated. SIL may not want to intrude on your home's routine, etc. too. Depends how your communication is.

Write a list of all the chores for your brother and sister in law to complete in exchange for free rent.

If they have an issue with this arrangement then request that they pay rent so you can hire a maid.

The best thing you can do is tell them your expectations.

You are not running a hotel. These people are rude, disrespectful leaches. They don’t care about you, your family or your home. They just want a free ride. Your brother in law can watch tv from an extended stay hotel. Your husband needs to set him straight.

It also really explains the lack of situational awareness and sensitivity they have for the 3 year child in your last post. Not only are they not contributing they let their child create chaos in the home.

The sooner they leave the better.

The problem is that you gave them a wide-open invitation to your home with no specifics about your house rules or expectations and no end date for your generous accommodations.

You say you don't want to cause "friction," but certainly, it's already there.
Resentment is clearly building, and even though you've tried to keep it under wraps, it is most likely felt by your brother-in-law and his wife. Even if they are clueless and are not picking up on your frustration, if something doesn't change, you or your husband are going to blow your cool, eventually. This is no way for any of you to live.

You and your husband have to decide on an end date for these arrangements and notify the brother and his wife. If you give them 30 days to be out of your home and in their new place, that is an exceptionally generous offer, considering they've already been with you for 3 months with no expenses on their part.

Once you've notified them of the check-out date, you must also calmly, clearly let them know that they will need to help with the household and yard duties for the remainder of the stay. If they protest, say that you regret you weren't clearer from the outset, but insist, kindly and firmly, that all adults living in the house must help with the chores, no exceptions. Be prepared to list the things you want help with so that this is not left open-ended (e.g., helping with grocery shopping, meal preparation, clearing the table and doing dishes after meals; taking out the trash on specified day; dusting, vacuuming; picking up around the house).

You've tried to do a good thing here, and it was very kind of you both, but you have to consider YOUR family. It is not fair to your school-age children to have this continued disruption and no private family time with their parents. Now that your sister-in-law has a good paying job, it's time for these two adults to leave and make their own home.

Think of YOUR kids, YOUR well-being, and let them know the hotel closes in X days.

Sounds like it is time for a family meeting in which you discuss when they think and you think they should be out, and how you will split the chores and work more evenly between the two families until they do find there own place. At the very least they should be helping with basic cleaning and cooking. Sounds like it is time to put your foot down, but make sure you and your spouse are on the same page so when you have the talk you can back each other up.

It’s a perfect time now that your SIL has a job. Talk to your husband first because the two of you need to be on the same page. Then sit down with the 4 adults and give them a date to be out. State that you have been happy to help them and now you are ready to have your house back. Be loving but firm with them.

Huh. We have moved to a totally new state 5 times. It took us about a week or maybe two to find a place to rent. We moved due to my husband taking a job there, but it always took me about a month to find a job. I think it's crazy they are still living with you after 3 months. They should take ANY job while they search for their dream job. Work at Home Depot. Work at retail or a coffee shop. Geez. They should find temporary work, and find a cheap apartment to move into. After finding a "real" job then they can start looking at where they really want to live and move when they have enough saved. I think it's time to give them a deadline (I'd say 30 days) to move out. And until that deadline comes give them 1. an amount to contribute towards living expenses each month and 2. a list of chores to do each week. PS - I feel sorry for your sister in law. She married a lazy man. This shows what he is like.

You’ve waited too long. He thinks he doesn’t have to because you haven’t acted like you expect it of him. Give him a list of chores and ask him to work on it. If he balks, tell him that you need help.

It’s time to think of an end-game here. He’s never going to get a job if he can just live in your house and babysit.

If it were me, I would talk to him first. That way, you have tried before your husband blows up at him. That might need to be next to light a fire under his butt.

You need to form a plan. How long has she been working? How much does she make approx? How much would a place to rent cost them, with deposit and everything included? aka, how much money do they need to have saved up in order to move out? Then figure how long with her paycheck would it take for them to save up that much money. That will give you an approx date that they should be able to move out. Come up with this plan with your hubs opinion also, then approach them with a family meeting and lay out your expectations for them to move forward with the plan. Doesn't have to be a negative thing, make it like you are helping them with this plan and how excited you are for them to move forward with their life!!!!!!! In the meantime, ask BIL what you want him to do. Hey, Bill, can you please take out the trash etc. That might help, idk.

I find it weird that they moved to a new state and did not have jobs 1st. So strange! We moved, my hubby flew out to 2 or 3 interviews.. I can not imagine freeloading on anyone!

Did they ask you guys if they can stay for few weeks? What was the time frame they gave you? If it’s past that— and trust me 3 months is way past respectable time frame, suggest you have a free what ever day that you can go with them to house/apartment search. Or ask next times at diner what are will they be looking at homes/apartment.

And you purposely don’t take out the garbage call up your brother in law and say something like “ hey Mike ( or what ever) grab the garbage, I forgot this morning!, thanks got to go boss is here..” type of call.

Or hey I will not have any time to go food shopping, can you get a), b) and c) from the ___ store. But do keep in mind that it’s her husband, her choice and I doubt you can, will or should change him. But you can tell her to do a bit more, clean up after their own kid or what ever else mess they do-everything else is on you. I am sure you do not expect her to clean your bathroom or your kids-you still next to clean your home. Maybe speak with her to pitch in more good groceries?! But best is to push them gently out.

Lots of luck!