How to Convince Husband and Son That Being Wasteful Is NOT OKAY

I don't have much by way of advice, but I did want to say I know exactly what you mean. I have noticed this behavor in friends all my life (even as a child this bothered me).

It is very hard for me to grasp how someone can be so careless with "things". When I have tenderly brought up the subject with some people I see doing it, they do act like I am over-reacting and that they're "just things". I feel like it is impossible sometimes to get the point of respect for things, and the person who worked hard to pay for them.

I do agree with some other comments that your husband should be brought into the finances in some way so atleast he can't claim he had "no idea". I do our bills, but regularly give my husband updates:-) it helps.

Keep on your son, cause it will effect how he treats things and people the rest of his life!

Good luck with everything, I hope they try to understand and make improvements.

I know exactly how you feel- I have dealt with some of the same things! However, we were both (my fiance and I) brought up somewhat alike and the "dropping hints" worked fairly well...
The only suggestion I have for you is to tell him what you just told us- He is a perfect husband! But the one thing that does need improvement is a big deal... and lay out the facts for him to process. Approach him as having a problem that you're unsure of how to adress, compliment him on his better qualities and then drop the bomb. Explain to him why you are having the concerns that you are having and allow him to put the pieces together. If he is anything like you say, he will take your words to heart. If it starts an argument, then atleast you can say you approached it tactfully!

I think you articulated yourself very well in your request letter and I think the other ladies here fully support your cause. I would think about showing him your letter and some of these responses. This way there will be no emotional outburst, real or imagined - a very calm and reasonable request on your part.
Regardless of whether you do this, please try to get your husband more involved in paying the bills. Let him do them once in a while and definitely, definitely, create a budget with him - since he is a business owner, he should know the importance of allocating funds and sticking to that plan - savings account? college fund? These are your "profit margins".
Speak in the language he understands and try to lay off credit cards as much as possible (especially in times like these). My husband and I went so far as to "freeze" ours. Literally, we put them in a glass of water and put them in the freezer. If the charge is important, they can be thawed out, but funny how the the act of waiting for that Master Card to defrost minimized our urge to shop...suddenly those boots on sale weren't really as necessary as we had thought!

Take care, good luck with your business, congratulations on your pregnancy, and wishing you and your family all the best!

I think all your concerns are well-founded. Maybe the best way to illustrate to your son and husband about the value of money is to put both of them on a budget. If you buy clothes once every 6 months and you've used up the clothing budget for that time, then they will have to wait until the next 6 months to buy clothes. They'll think twice before ruining their jeans again. Maybe stop buying bottled water; we've started to just boil water and storing in pitchers. Maybe invest in a water filter. Water in tap is healthier anyway because it contains fluoride that bottled water does not. Definitely work on your finances WITH your husband so he can see where the money is going and why you're so worried. Good luck!

Your words... "how hard 'I' work for our money"...I assume your husband works also? I think it's wonderful you have a husband who is willing to work side by side with his son teaching him how to paint your new home together...my question also is...how did he go three days wearing school pants and painting...and you didn't notice.

Take a step back and try this...have a bin with play, paint, get dirty as much as you want clothes...for both your boys (big and little)...Maybe even pick them up from Goodwill as one other mom suggested. That way there is no question about what can be worn and what can't. For starters...you son now has 3 pairs of paints in that bin!

As far as the water bottles in the garbage...I'm not sure if you mean they should be thrown in the recyle bin or they are reusable bottles? When you find them in the garbage...have your son retrieve them out of the garbage...after he does that a few times he might think twice about throwing them away.

Breathe in ... breathe out...and take your time in teaching...this is only the beginning. Remember you have a sweet nurturing 7 year old boy and a really wonderful ,supportive and excited husband. Years from now you will remember how your son and husband painted together...not that they got paint on their clothes...I hope!

Enjoy, Work out a budget WITH your husband so there can't be any question about what money is available...if it's not there, you can't spend it. And always remember to save even a little ... for a rainy day....or a new pair of pants.

Lead by example...and shop at Goodwill.

Nanc

As for your son, you have the ability to stop this before it gets started. Emphasize the value of money in a way he understands. A new pair of jeans, or a new video game. New jeans, or a new basketball hoop, dinner at his choice of restaurant, whatever he may be into. Also, make him wear the paint stained jeans. If he wants new ones, make him work for them, doing chores, getting good grades in school, etc.
As for your husband, being a business owner, he should understand cost of supplies, merchandise. Compare your family budget in terms of his business requirements to make him understand.
As for the recycling, make a Saturday morning trip to visit your local recycling center or dump to see how much people use & throw out, & to realize how much worse our landfills would be if we didn't recycle. Also visit a computer or electronics repair shop to learn about toxic materials like lead, mercury, & metals & other materials that will last forever in our landfills, & destroy our environment.
Visit shelters or thrift stores to teach the value of what we have, and how long we can make it useable & lasting.
Most men are visual. They have to see it to understand it. Hope this helps. Good luck with your situation.

Hand your husband the bills and check book, and tell him to pay the bills....(((if he asks why, tell him it has become way to stressful for you at this time..))))Also send him shopping to replace your sons jeans. In fact, send him shopping other things as well encluding food. (((if he asks why, tell him you can't handle it know...need to rest as your legs hurt.))) Stop adding your income to the check book. If he questions this...remind him that's how it's going to be when you give birth..so right now you are setting that money aside for a rainy day and remind him he's smart and can figure out how to deal with getting the bills paid without your rainy day money...walk out of the room, the house or change the subject....just don't argue with him about it.. My point is you need to put him in a position of seeing the reality on paper, in black and white....then hopefully when he sees the reality in he'll rethink buying $80 jeans and being so wasteful...

Keep an eye on the bills and check book to see how it's going while he's in charge of it....if after 4 months he isn't singing another tune, then you really need to sit him down for a serious talk...Let him know how you feel about the situation...Tell him time for change...set new rules and tell him he needs to get with the program as you married an adult, a partner, not a child...and the new rules are the only way his income is going to cover it all. If he isn't with you on it, not taking it seriously... Tell him this is no joke, time to grow up or couples therapy is next before divorce court. Just say it and walk out of the room...don't nag, don't repeat...give him a few days to think about it all and then sit him down again and ask him where he's at in his head about the new rules and changes...

In the mean time when your son comes in from school, insist he change his clothes....Hand him his play clothes and don't allow him out to play until he makes the change. When he is going to help work in the new house, do the same. Hand him work clothes and don't allow him out of the house until he makes the change. Take him by the hand to the light switch and ask him to shut the light off that he left on. Be firm and consistent with your son.. If your husband bucks this and takes the boys part...then you know you need to set your husband down and remind him he's got to be on the same train as you in teaching this boy right from wrong...he's not to interfere when you are correcting your son...

What ever you decide to do, no matter how you decide to deal with your situation....know making changes takes time so be patient and supportive of them when they do make the effort. Remember to be good to yourself...take time out to relax and think about things...

C.,

It is a VERY HARD THING YOU WANT TO DO - and you can't expect positive results over night.

I realize you are pregnant, and not up for a lot of things right now, but what you need to do is start including your son and husband on the finances.

Put your bottom line at the top of the piece of paper (I'd make it a really oversize one and paste it on the fridge or wall).

Subtract all your bills, and what you put into savings, food, gas, other NECESSITIES. Do the math, and see what the bottom line is (make sure you include savings bc if you don't, you WON'T have any after this exercise :| :)

Show them what is left over.

Show them what the lower electric bill(s) look like.

Show them what they have spent on clothes in the past year.

Show them.

Help them understand. You won't be able to do it without numbers.

I had to put it all on paper - MANY TIMES - before my other half would understand exactly where we were.

Credit cards are the big black hole of many families.

Pay off your highest interest rate cards first. Don't use cards EXCEPT to pay them off immediately (it's like having free money if you pay them off each month entirely - but only if you pay them off).

You can't hit them off the head. You can't MAKE them understand overnight. You CAN teach them. It will take time.

Make it a game with your new little one - turn off all the lights when you wake up (should be all night lights, but if you have a forgetful husband....) and turn off all the lights when you go to bed. Your older one will hopefully pick up on the game.

Good Luck!
They can be taught, but they can't be told.
M.
PS: let me know how you go about this!

Hi C.,
First, congratulations on your second baby :o)
I have to say that I agree with Jessica H. Several years ago, my husband (who did the bills then) sat me down and we went over everything together. While I wasn't spending wildly, I certainly had no idea how much money was going out the door each month for bills, credit cards, etc. I think if you show him how much you bring in vs. how much goes out it might be a big eye opener! It was for me. I do the bills now and we've certainly lowered our expenses! I actually set a goal for myself to see how low I can make our bills each month. Good luck with the pregnancy, and hubby too :o)

There is a book out there called Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey- I don't agree with all of the things he says but he does note how important it is for couples to work together on finances- One cannot do most of the work while the other does nothing. The first half of the book is mainly testimonials about how people got out of debt using his system and I would not have read the whole thing had we not been facing the financial difficulties we are. But at the end of the book there are alot of good worksheets and recommendations you can use.
It has taken a lot of hard work and LOTS of communication but things are getting better. I handle most of the finances in our house and my husband is more of the spender like yours. It took me sitting down when he was ready to listen and explaining what all of our debts were, what our budget needed to be and seeing how long it was going to take to work out of the debt situation we are in. We were headed towards bankruptcy and he had no clue - once he was really aware of what is going on he has become a champion in helping save money- i cut coupons now and he has sold some things to help us get on track.
I am not sure of your total situation but it sounds like you haven't been as blunt with you husband as you need to be. If he is like most men dropping hints is not going to work-you have to s-p-e-l-l it out for him. Also if you are handling most of the finances and he is just signing over his paycheck and you give him the checkbook when he asks then he probably doesn't know that you are cutting corners elsewhere to make up that money. He sounds like a good husband and you know when is a good time to talk to him about tough topics-just be honest and you should be able tow work together to get through this.

Does your husband have a view of your finances at all? If money has been flowing easily in the past and that has now changed he may not realize it if you haven't directly told him. I had to sit down with my husband not too long ago and show him the inflow and outflow. My husband doen't manage the finances so he really had no idea. Now that he has seen it he has been much better about lots of things. He also understands that if he wants something he has to look at sales and less expensive stores. Be direct with your son too. I tell my daughter all the time to take care of things because if she ruins or breaks something I am not going to get her a new one.

Good Luck!

There are no easy fixes for this. However, you should show your husband the entire household budget and bills to help him understand why you are trying to conserve. Also, letting your son wear painted pants to school is a harsh realtiy for him to realize it's not to cool to ruin his good clothes "just because he can". I make it a policy in my home to not replace abused items just because my son feels I can just go buy new stuff. Because of this he respects his things and takes much better care of them. Also, let your husband know that the $80 jeans may need to be replaced with much less expensive jeans if this is what he intends on doing with them. You are right to be concerned about the times-now is time to conserve and save where you can.

There are several things you can here. There are all different ways to budget money and the two of you should sit down and discuss them. I have heard that for over-spenders the envelope method works very well. You put (for example) his clothing budget money into an envelope, when its gone - its gone! He'll have to wear ruined jeans until the budget allows for more. Your son should be in on the money discussions. He is not too young to "get" the value of a dollar, especially if you make a chore list that he gets paid (slave wages) for doing. Then he can use his own money for extras like candy and video games. I highly recommend The Tightwad Gazette book. The $20 or so you spend on purchasing it will pay you back many times over. Also there are many websited like Living on a Dime for example that are very helpful. Just Google "Frugal" or "save money" and you'll get many responses.

You need to sit down with your husband and stop dropping hints. Explain the problems, and then have him start paying the bills. It worked for me, when I just couldn't understand why my husband was always nagging me about money,, Once I started paying the bills, my attitude changed dramatically!

Give your son an allowance, talk about the things the allowance should cover and let him learn that when he's out of $$ he's done buying things.

I'd always buy my kids the basics. But if they wanted something trendy, or unnecessary I;d tell them they would have to buy it themselves. You'd be amazed at how often they said "forget it, it's not worth the money" when it was their money.

I agree with others who have said not to replace your child's pants.Or if you feel like you truly must, go to the Goodwill. They have great deals! As for your husband? If he truly will ask you for the money or means to buy a new pair, tell him no! Tell him he has a pair that was perfectly good and he can wear the pair he panted in or go without.

I would go to him and tell him how much you love him, and that the number one cause for couples breaking up in this country is money matters and you need for him to have a better understanding of your point of view. Tell him how important it is to you to teach your son the value of money and to respect his things. Explain to him how concerned you are over the finances, especially since you will be taking a maternity leave and not earning during this time. He may not have thought about that aspect at all! Make a simple spreadsheet for your husband, one that does not include your income, only his for what comes in and put all the necessities of what goes out--mortgage, utilities, cable, cell phone, any other loan payments, insurance, groceries, business expenses,groceries, gas, etc etc. Show him these numbers, what the bottom line is, and remind him how long you plan to take for maternity leave. Could you live off your savings, paying for ALL these same expenditures for 6-9 months if both of your businesses failed in this economy? Add it up and discuss with him. Once Baby comes and you start work, will you be using daycare or a nanny? If so, what percentage of your take home pay will that eat up? Do you "go without" because your husband doesn't? Have you ever told him? You could say, "honey, if you buy a pair of $80 jeans to replace the brand new ones you got pant on, I won't be able to get a haircut before the baby comes" or whatever it might be.

I agree with everyone here...
Showing him your budget, and directly telling him is the best way...
MONEY is the reason most people divorce...Don't let it be yours. You know this already, so hopefully it will help you and your husband, settle your differences about money.

Don't replace your son's pants. He will say he doesn't care, but when the kids at school start making fun of him he will care. If the teacher says anything, explain you are trying to teach him respect for his things. Do you do the shopping? Then stop buying bottled water. If your water isn't drinkable (which I'm sure it is)then get the gallon jugs. Cut back on treats they like and when they ask why show them the electric bill. Your husband wasnt brought up to worry about wasting things, but you can teach your son and maybe your husband will learn by example.

The husband has to step up to the plate so the child will follow. You need to have an expenses jar and have your husband put the money he wastes in that jar. Once he sees how fast it adds up, it might make an impression. Also, stop buying expensive clothes. Go to discount stores to buy clothes. Wait until things are on clearance and you get extra off, which is what JC Penny's and Kmart does.

I wouldn't replace your sons pants. Set an example, that when you ruin something, it doesn't mean you can go and replace it. Same goes for your husband. That's ridiculous that they painted in good jeans. Don't they own "play/work" clothes? Everybody does....or so I thought. Its more common sense that is needed here on your husband's part.

As far as the bottles and lights. Put up a note near them for your husband. For your son, just be a good role model, and hopefully he will follow. For my boyfriend, I put a note on a particular garbage can to NOT put food in it....and notes on the door to make sure it is shut. It doesn't always work, but at least you tried. No one is perfect and no one will always do everything you want them to do. Just do what you can, and set the good example.

Hi C.,
Sit down and go over your budget. Figure out how much you have coming in each month and how much goes out. Separate your expenses into 2 categories: Needs (mortgage, grocery, etc) and Wants (new clothes, toys, etc). If you present your budget to your husband, it will not be an "emotional" issue - it is right there in black & white.
I also get frustrated when people waste... but I wouldn't spend $80 on a pair of jeans. Shop the clearance racks! Get your son involved by helping him cut out coupons with you - it can also turn into a math lesson!
Don't present this as being "their problem" - show them that this is something that you all need to work on as a family. Ask them to help come up with ideas of how you can all help.
If all else fails, don't pay your electric bill for a few months; it will be a rude awakening when the power gets shut off! (I'm just kidding about that last part!). Good Luck!!!

For your son, I would say, DON'T replace his pants. Let him feel the consequences of ruining his good clothes. Your son will definitely think his clothes are easily replaceable if you just replace them. For your husband, does he manage the money or pay the bills at all? Maybe if he did, he would understand your point of view better. Let him take over for a month. Good luck and I hope things get better for you soon!