How to Break the News Part 3

When you said his behavior was better, it made me think of how kids can behave all of a sudden because they aren't going to get the treat or toy that they want or that they can't go somewhere that they want to go to because they know we are disappointed with their behavior, but as always, no sooner that passes, the old behavior comes back.

<warmly> Hi hon :)

Yeah, it's true that spouses will walk a straight line for a while if they suspect that you might be leaving.

Of course, the very first thing they'll want to do is question your motives - is it a new lover? is it an internet friendship that might blossom? The first thing they will do is chase their tail trying to figure out why you're leaving.

But isn't it funny that the first thing they do also is accuse/suspect YOU of stepping out on them? That's really not a "better" behavior - just a suspicious one and one that he needs to deal with. How? By sitting down and really talking WITH you. Listening to what's going on with you. Listening and working out and committing to a win-win situation for the both of you.

If you're curious to see if this is "just another mind game he is playing," then remain consistent in your resolve to get your situation worked out one way or another. If it's a game for him, then he's waiting for you to fold. If he's sincere and wants REAL change, then he'll stop with the "suspicious" questions and watching/questioning your every move and start opening up to the REAL problems that both of you are having.

And you're right. Anything less is a game and he's betting on himself as someone who can hold a better hand than you. Remain true to the reality of the situation and force a change, if necessary. Go to counseling. Go to church. Go to mommy groups when your children need social time. Invite him along to go with you where ever you go and insist that having a good time is the reason for the outing and don't allow him or anyone else to ruin it for you. And he might just go. If he starts in with being suspicious, continue to have a good time and let him know his questions and attitude are not acceptable because you haven't done anything to warrant them. If he gets mad and walks off, let him and continue to have a good time. He's WANTING you to stay on a roller coaster - to remain off-balance The game of life is hard enough without having to deal with someone else's insecurities - especially your own.

Don't be fooled. Don't be tricked. But if you see him trying to communicate with REAL intent on working out his feelings and helping the marriage to be a real partnership, then don't turn him away. YOU are in control of YOU.

First off, I want to say that I really feel for you and your situation. We all have our own stories and while they may differ, I don't think there is one married woman or man out there that hasn't thought about leaving or wondered if they still love their spouse at some stage of the game. Secondly, only YOU know if enough is enough. Don't look for other people to tell you to leave or to stay. Advice is one thing and everyone needs to talk about their problems, but don't ever let someone make this incredibly important and life changing decision for you. Your friends and family should love and support you no matter what-even if they disagree with what you decide. Only you know what your heart and mind are telling you to do and that is what you should be listening to. Take care of yourself.

Wow B.. They really are all the same.
My opinion is that when is enough, it's really enough. And you will know it. Take your time if in doubt, it'll only confirm what you alredy know.

Just wanted to let you know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us updated. Follow your heart. Make sure that you and your children are safe.
S.

Hi B.,
You need help staanding your grounds? Well STAND ON YOUR GROUNDS!!! and don't let this "apparent" new attitude fool you. It will take a lot I mean A LOT of work and consistency from his part, to really show you he is a new man...and unfortunalety, that doesn't happen overnight, I beleive in change, I do, but not in sudden, convenient changes. It takes an inmense amount of time, work and commintment to brake old patterns, definately in his case, a lot more than free will I have to say. His been this way for a long time, and it will take that much time for him to change if he really wants to, and even THEN, to rebuild your trust? that much more.He may be feeling that this time you may really leave and eveything will be out of his control, you will be out of his control. He may realize he is loosing power over you. he is going to try to play all the games he may have left, the guilt trips, the blame game, the "you must be having an affair" card, etc, but DON"T LET THAT MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY...Look, if he looses you, it may help him realize that he needs to be a new man if he wants to get you back. A new, rspectful, loving, honest and honorable man, you and your kids don't deserve any less, so don't settle for any less. If he is the man for you and your kids, it may take time for him to get there, but he could...if not..then think about it...God may be freeng you from a bad relathionship, and who knows what He may have in store for you...don't miss it. Be strong and courageus, you CAN DO THIS!!
Here is my favorite verse, one that makes me remenber I am not alone..."Trust in the Lord with all your heart...lean NOT in YOUR own understanding, in all your ways acknowdlege Him, and He will make your paths straight"

A little gift to you.
Keep us posted

Whenever you feel weak, doubtful, or guilty, go back and read your 'How to break the news part 2.' That will help you remember your reasons and help you stand your ground. I'm all for saving marriages and families, but it sounds like you've done everything that can be done. If he won't change, you've got to get out. You need to look after your safety and wellbeing and that of your children. Please be sure to let appropriate and trusted friends/family/neighbors know what is going on if you feel like he could swing toward violent behavior. Be sure you and the children are safe and have an escape plan. Good luck. I'm praying for you. Thank you for keeping us posted.

B.,

I am going through the same thing with my husband. He plays alot of games to get me upset then complains that I am always upset. Lately I think that he is trying to sabatoge the relationship. When I stand my ground, I am scared because he is so folatile that I fear that if I say that I am fed up with his behavior that he will go right along with it. I don't think that he will fight for me. This is a scary feeling. I love my husband and want to stay together for the sake of our daughter and work things out, but to what cost. I am a stressed out wreck, and how is that really helping my daughter. So what if we get a divorce, is it really the end of the world? It may feel like it but really isn't. Just stay true to yourself and your feelings. You are not weak for wanting to leave, that is the hardest decision you had to make to begin with...if anything you are being strong and courageous. I wish I had those kind of guts right now, even though I feel braver each day. Keep him to his word and don't think for a instance that as soon as he feels comfortabe again that he won't resort back to old ways. Let him know you want permanent change, not just a termorary alignment. Stay strong. If you ever need someone to talk with, I know what you are going through and would love to be any support that I can for you. T.

Hi B.,
I've been reading your posts, and wow! I had a hard time ending my marriage, it's never easy. One thing I learned is that my ex wasn't really listening, even when we sat down and discussed things. We went to a marriage counselor, and it was wierd - when she said to him "L. is unhappy" he was surprised - like he had no idea! Sometimes they need to hear it from someone else because they have become so used to tuning you out. I would definitely seek counseling - we did, even though I had already made up my mind to leave. It was very helpful in creating a non-threatening situation for working out the details. Good luck.

I understand your wanting to leave.No one here is knocking you for that.But if you want to leave then pack your bags and go!Not only are you making it harder on yourself but you are torturing the guy by making him paranoid about what your going to do.Have you even told him that you want to leave or ARE going to leave? Personally I consider things like this mind games.And clearly his change in attitude doesn't change your feelings about him.So unless you plan on working it out then tell him and leave.Dragging it out like this is just plain unessessary for both of you and will cause more hurt in the long run.How would you feel if you felt like you were jumping through hoops out of fear of losing your spouse to only find out that no matter what you did they had planned on leaving anyway.Wether it's b/c of money or children nothing justifies you still sticking around if you feel the way you do.Nor is it ok for you to lead him on.Tell him and leave.