How Should I React to My Husband...

I found this question a bit odd for a few reasons.

One - the taxing at 2:30 in the morning.

Then there's the whole cold sweat/anxiety/running in middle of night thing - I just can't relate.

I think she's out of line, but I don't like how hubby handled it by making you have to decide how he should handle it. How come he couldn't ask her to stop on his own? Wouldn't that be the normal thing to do if someone is texting you int he middle of the night?

Same with him asking you if you'd like him to end the friendship. That's a crummy thing for him to make you have to do.

Red flags to me. Maybe she's odd, maybe he's not able to handle her being odd, but either way, why drag you into it? Can he not just have boundaries like a normal person and say no kindly?

Any time I hear something like this I always ask the woman to turn the tables on the man. Ask him how HE would feel if another man, even just a "friend" was calling in the middle of the night, texting, drunk and bringing up old sex. I bet he wouldn't like it at all. It's really not appropriate, and he needs to tell her that. If they are truly friends she will respect his (and your) boundaries, and if not, well then I think you know what her true motivations are. In the end though you are married to him, not her, so keep the conversation about him and his actions, keep her OUT of it.

It sounds to me like your hunch is correct - he was enjoying the little bit of extra attention with no intention of acting on it and then felt guilty when he realized that she was taking the flirtation seriously. It also sounds like he now made it clear to her how things stand.

I would not say that they can no longer be friends. That said, since you are friends with her as well, I think you could ask your husband that any future lunches, happy hours, etc, involve all 3 of you. No more tete-a-tetes between him and her. If they are both really and truly OK with being just friends, this should not be a problem. If your husband balks at this, I think you have bigger problems than you realize.

At the very least, the flirtation and attention and reminiscing are stroking his ego and reminding him of younger days. But the cold sweat bothers me, and so does not telling you about the lunch until afterwards. So he's not handling this well at all. There's nothing wrong with turning the phone off or setting it on "do not disturb" or restricting it to certain people for an emergency. At 3 a.m., I'd want a text/call from my son or my mother to come in, but that's it.

Whatever is going on or not going on, he can't handle it. This level of anxiety, going for a run at 3 a.m. (and, frankly, staying up until 2) when he has to get up at 5 or whatever is totally irresponsible. You should be worried sick that someone so sleep deprived is driving.

My husband has lunch with old friends, as do I. But we know about it. If he suddenly started forgetting to tell me about it, I'd be feeling dismissed (affair or no affair). So, set up a family on-line calendar synced to your phones or whatever, and put your appointments on it - haircuts, family weddings, doctor appointments, car service, lunches. It's better anyway for communication, not for checking up on people.

If your husband balks or changes his phone password, call a counselor.

No, not really. Maybe you could just let him know that you are going to be supportive if he decides to stay friends with her and that you trust him - you just don't want to see him put in an uncomfortable position by her. Also, offer to make yourself the bad guy if he doesn't want to be - tell him that he can tell her that you said she has to stop communicating with him if it makes him feel better.

I kind of get this whole post to be honest. I have a guy friend from literally 30 years ago. He has always had feelings for me, but we decided that we could be friends. Every once in awhile he gets kind of "weird." My husband is friends with him (because of me) and we all golf together once or twice a year. My friend never married or has even had a girlfriend for like the last 10 or so years. My husband would never worry about me cheating on him with this guy or anything. But, it does create a bit of an unusual situation that many folks don't necessarily understand or automatically jump to the wrong conclusion.

Good luck!

So this woman has got to be somewhere in her mid 40's and she's getting drunk and texting people in the middle of the night?
Either she's never grown up or she's an alcoholic.
Neither of which are your or your husbands problems.

I find that it's good to turn the phone off when you don't want to be disturbed - like when you are sleeping, having family time, eating, etc.

Time for you and him to drop this friend and block her number.
Let her grow up and/or discover Alcoholics Anonymous on her own.
And from now on Hubby needs to get in the habit of turning devices off at night.
I don't care if he's a brain surgeon - no one needs to be connected and reachable all the time.

You and your husband don't need to make an announcement to her saying "we can't be friends with you anymore" But I would say, you need to not be friends anymore. Friends do not call up their married friends in the middle of the night to flirt or whatever. That's not what it means to be a friend. She' not your friend. Or his friend. Maybe she was at one time, but recently, no, she's not a friend. So don't call her one, or consider her one. She's simply an ex trying to start something up again with your husband.

I may pay her a visit just to let her know you're aware of her recent late night texting and drunk flirting, and you are hurt that she would act this way. And suggest she try dating or flirting with men who are actually single, as a respectable person would do. That's about it. I wouldn't go off in a huge tirade of anything. And I would tell her you don't care to engage in conversation any further. Don't listen to her "explain" or get drawn into anything. Just keep it simple, serious, and short, and walk away.

Then I would quietly remove and block her from your social media and phone. And tell your husband that you have done so because right now she isn't a friend to either of you, doesn't he agree? I would hope he follows suit, but I wouldn't ask him too or demand it of him. Give him some time to draw his own conclusions. He may prefer to ignore anything further and not change any settings or friends' lists, which may give this more attention, and that's OK too.

This is a grown woman, not a school girl, and I'm sure she will survive just fine with other people as friends. She does not need you and your husband to be her friend. She is certainly capable of moving on. Just be cordial if you run into her in mixed company, and don't trash her to mutual friends or other people.

Updated

You and your husband don't need to make an announcement to her saying "we can't be friends with you anymore" But I would say, you need to not be friends anymore. Friends do not call up their married friends in the middle of the night to flirt or whatever. That's not what it means to be a friend. She' not your friend. Or his friend. Maybe she was at one time, but recently, no, she's not a friend. So don't call her one, or consider her one. She's simply an ex trying to start something up again with your husband.

I may pay her a visit just to let her know you're aware of her recent late night texting and drunk flirting, and you are hurt that she would act this way. And suggest she try dating or flirting with men who are actually single, as a respectable person would do. That's about it. I wouldn't go off in a huge tirade of anything. And I would tell her you don't care to engage in conversation any further. Don't listen to her "explain" or get drawn into anything. Just keep it simple, serious, and short, and walk away.

Then I would quietly remove and block her from your social media and phone. And tell your husband that you have done so because right now she isn't a friend to either of you, doesn't he agree? I would hope he follows suit, but I wouldn't ask him too or demand it of him. Give him some time to draw his own conclusions. He may prefer to ignore anything further and not change any settings or friends' lists, which may give this more attention, and that's OK too.

This is a grown woman, not a school girl, and I'm sure she will survive just fine with other people as friends. She does not need you and your husband to be her friend. She is certainly capable of moving on. Just be cordial if you run into her in mixed company, and don't trash her to mutual friends or other people.

I think maybe it's time to not be friends with his old girlfriends. She is crossing boundaries and I would be upset also. To give the benefit of the doubt maybe she is having troubles in her marriage and needs to talk but she should talk to you also.
I would encourage you and him to find other friends.

Perhaps she is one of those nostalgic/reminiscing drunks, and since she is lonely and friends with him, perhaps she felt he was the only person at that time to keep her company. I have lots of male friends that start talking about their struggles in love when they are a bit tipsy, they start venting and talking about their exes, since normally they feel no one wants to hear about it, I am a good listener, and they are just reminiscing about their past without wanting a lecture or judgment. Sometimes, they might mention they haven't been with a woman in x amount of years. They aren't planning to sleep with me, they just want someone to vent to about being sexually frustrated and how love sucks (and yes, I can relate!) but we never take it any further. Could this be what happened, or was the subject matter explicit and offensive toward you, his wife?

I don't know the context of her conversations with him, but maybe she is just lonely, drunk, and desperate without the intent of causing you any trouble in your marriage. Since they have been friends for over 20 years, she may only feel comfortable expressing herself to him. If she apologized and said she'd stop, I'd give them both the benefit of the doubt unless you start seeing him acting suspicious, going behind your back, or her suddenly acting coldly towards you. She may truly be embarrassed by her actions and feel bad about hurting you since you're all friends, but like mynewnickname said, he needs to start involving you any time they plan to have any one-on-one time together. She should understand given her out-of-hand interaction and his need to put on the brakes. She should have no issue with that if she has nothing to hide and truly considers you a friend. Don't allow him to be in situations that can cause awkwardness and make him uncomfortable, or lead to temptation.

you sound like a very sensible gal, and i'm sorry you're dealing with this.

i'm glad you've got a good barometer on your husband, and think you're right that it's unlikely that he's actually cheating.

it sounds as if the old gf is going through something, and your husband hasn't been as clear with his boundaries as he needs to be. yours, however, are excellent. i think your 'you do it or i do it' was perfect.

i like that he's letting you know immediately what's going on with the texting, and i also like your clear-eyed assessment that you need to tune in a bit more. i'm sure a PHD eats up most of your brain, but clearly your marriage needs just a little more TLC.

and a lot less of your former friend. i think you both need to cool it on contacting her in any form.

and why on earth doesn't your husband shut off his text tone at night?
khairete
S.