How Should I React? - Brentwood,MD

Updated on July 11, 2017
R.S. asks from Brentwood, MD
20 answers

Im 16 years old and pregnet when i have my little girl i will be 17 shes due in october i live with her father but all we do is fight hes 18 and all he wants to dois go out with friends and smoke weed he had promised me he would stop but never did we argue all the time and im getting tired of it i try to do whats good for the baby and its like he dont care i dont work he never has money and im scared when the baby comes he wont even have money for dipers i need help knowing how to deal with this any suggetions?

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K.G.

answers from Fort Myers on

Put the baby up for adoption. You guys aren't working. What kind of life is this baby going to have? You guys aren't ready to handle the responsibility of caring for a baby or have the means to do so.

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4 moms found this helpful

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W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

R.,

Welcome to mamapedia!

I'm sorry to tell you - he won't change. A baby won't make him change and your love won't make him change.

I would ask my parents for help and move back home with my parents.
I would then get a lawyer and have my boy friend relinquish parental rights to the baby.
I would then talk to that same attorney about putting my baby up for adoption.

How does he pay rent if you live with him?
Where does he get the money for the weed? If you REALLY live in MD? Does he realize that weed is ILLEGAL and he could be arrested?

Move back to your mom and dad's house.
Put the baby up for adoption.
Get on birth control and don't have unprotected sex again until you are ready and able to provide adequately for the child.

Good luck!

7 moms found this helpful
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J.K.

answers from Wausau on

Your situation gave me flashbacks. When my best friend and I were in high school, she fell in love with a slightly older young man, got pregnant, had the baby at 17.

Good news: that baby is 22 now, and a brilliant young woman with a bright future.

Let me tell you what my friend did wrong and always regretted, so that you don't do them:

1 - She dropped out of school, and it was awhile before she was able to get a GED. It would have been better to finish school at the time if possible. What she did caused a delay in her own ability to financially support herself.
2 - She married him. Her mom gave permission on account of being pregnant. It is easy to be idealistic and think that love or a baby will make things better, but that's not realistic. He liked to go out, smoke weed, and generally ditch his responsibilities. There was never enough money, and he'd spend what he made before he even got home from work. Having to get a divorce was the pits and living together made the split harder because someone had to leave first.

It sucks that the baby's father doesn't seem to care. He is showing you that he is not good partner material. Don't plan on staying together as a couple, start laying the groundwork now for a breakup and move-out.

You can't do anything about making him change, but you can make the best choices possible to mitigate the damages, so to speak.

If you have any family that can help, ask them. My friend's relationship with her parents was strained, mostly due to stubbornness rather than any serious reason. That's repairable.

When the baby is born, file for child support at the courthouse. Period, no debate. Don't let him convince you otherwise, always make it formal. It was the only time my friend could be sure of getting money from the baby's father, because the court order allows it to be automatically deducted from paychecks.

Stay in school, or finish via alternate program. Don't just quit going, you need a plan.

Get in contact with social services. They can assist you with things like WIC, child care subsidies, low income housing, and other help as you need it to get your life together.

You can do this, but you're going to need to find the inner strength that you didn't even know you had.

7 moms found this helpful
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N.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

You are both still very young. He's not going to grow up this week, this month, or even this year. He's probably not going to grow up until he's in his 20's. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Accepting help now will make it where you will be able to provide for yourself and your child later on. In a few years you could be out of high school and out of college and have a career where you don't need anyone else to help you pay your bills.

I am going to tell you straight. You can keep your baby and have a life. All mom's have a lift. They're not all 17 though.

You need to find an alternative school program and finish high school. MUST finish high school. It might not be this year or next year but you have to finish it so that you can move on and go to college or get some sort of training where you can support your family.

You need to find out about child care assistance in your state. Due to your age and not living at home with your parents you will probably qualify for free child care or a very very minimal payment amount.

Please go very soon and apply for low income housing in your area. There are different kinds, the payment comes out of different pockets so they call it different names. Section 8, Housing Authority, and HUD. Some complexes are owned by corporations and they subsidize the rents as a community service sort of thing and take tax breaks for it. You need rent you can afford on your own.

You can qualify for financial assistance, welfare, to help pay your bills while you finish high school. You MUST finish high school if you ever want to have a higher paying job where you can pay your own way and provide for your child and yourself.

College/trade school/business school/what ever interests you where you can earn a living.

I went to college on financial aid, low income housing, welfare, food stamps, free child care, and lived on campus using all those programs. I was able to keep nearly a 4.0 GPA and do very well for myself and my daughter. I had an excellent career and loved my work.

I started at OKCCC, a junior college in south Oklahoma City. I had a 3.8 GPA without really every cracking a book open. The teachers just made it all so interesting. I graduated with a degree and got a full scholarship to OU. I didn't really like it there so I transferred to another university in the state and stayed there to finish out my education.

You have a lot of work ahead of you.

Is it possible to move back home? Go live with a friend's family until you graduate? What about the guy's family? They could be completely happy to help you because you are carrying their grandchild?

Is there anyone else you can depend on? Until you can get through your pregnancy and have the baby?

If you don't want to keep the baby then you have time to think about it and be sure. I just want you to hear, and think about, the possibility that you can keep your baby and be successful and it not be horribly hard.

5 moms found this helpful
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G.♣.

answers from Springfield on

Having a baby puts a huge strain on the best relationships. A baby is a true blessing, but if you don't already have a really good relationship with the father, it's highly unlikely it will get better.

Have you considered placing your baby for adoption? Doing so would not be easy at all! It would be a very real sacrifice to say goodbye to your newborn. It would also be a tremendous gift to a couple desperate to love a child.

I recently met a cousin who was placed for adoption. She thanked my aunt for giving her life and for having the courage and the strength to place her for adoption. She was raised by a wonderful family. Over the past few years she has gotten to know my aunt, and they are very, very close.

Adoption stories can have very happy endings.

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S.B.

answers from Houston on

Sweetie, you are trying to play happy home and he wants to be an 18 year old boy. You can't make him step up and be a daddy.

You both are very young and immature. Did he finish High School? What are your plans for school? YOU aren't his responsibility. Sorry to put it like that but you aren't. The baby is 1/2 his responsibility. What do YOU plan to do to help support you and baby because there is a very large possibility daddy will disappear.

Honestly, talk to your family and see if you can move home. Think about all options including adoption. I know you love your sweet little girl, but sweetie I don't think you really have any idea of what raising a baby costs in money and time. If you plan to keep the baby, you MUST stay in school. Education is what will help you support yourself and your child.

Good luck.

5 moms found this helpful
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B.A.

answers from Columbus on

Once your baby is born, things most likely aren't going to get better. Raising an infant can be tough, even for those of us who are older. You're going to be sleep-deprived and tied to a little person who is dependent on you for every single thing. And babies are expensive, which adds another level of stress. Your boyfriend simply isn't ready for that. Most 18 year old kids aren't.

Can you move back in with your family (without your boyfriend)? Are they willing to help you out? (Keep in mind that they may have had a negative reaction to your announcement, but that doesn't mean that they haven't calmed down yet.)

If not, contact a crisis pregnancy center to find out what resources are available to you. You need to figure out how you're going to complete high school as well as financially care for your child. Are you receiving prenatal care? They can help with that also.

I know this might be hard to think about, but please think about adoption. There are so many people adults out there who would love to raise a child, and open adoptions (where you receive periodic updates regarding the child) are now common. It will be hard for you, but it's often the right choice for teens.

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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

Have you considered putting your baby up for adoption? You obviously love this child and want to do the right thing for your daughter. I can't think of a greater act of love than giving this child a loving home with two stable parents. Best of luck.

4 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Carrying a baby is going to force you to grow up in ways that will not happen for the father.
I'm sorry but he was in it for the sex - not 18 plus years of responsibility.
There are plenty of guys that aren't ready to be a parent until their 30's.
I take it you want this baby and want to raise it.
While there will be many happy moments - it ain't all going to be sunshine, glitter and unicorns.
There will be long nights with a sobbing colicky infant.
There will be times when the little darling throws up down the front of your nighty.
You will feel like you've gone weeks without sleep.
Your breasts will be sore with breast feeding.
And your childhood will be over.
You'll be responsible for a human life - and anyone in their right mind would be scared sh*tless.
I was 36 when I had our son and I still had a moment when they put him on my stomach fresh from being born where I thought "What have I done to my life?".
Some teen moms pull through alright - but it's going to be tough.
And I really would not count on the father being much help any time soon.
Heck - while you are busy with the baby - he might be out fathering more kids with other women.

Have you given adoption any thought?
If you think deeply about it and just maybe feel you are not at this time up to the challenge of parenting - maybe you'd like to be able to do things other teen girls are doing and you'd like to mature a bit first - maybe it might be the kindest thing to do to give your child up so someone who is ready to parent now can raise your child.
Just think about it.
It's not your job to raise the guy who fathered your child and he's got a lot of growing up to do.
Consider leaving him so he can get on with it.

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

I agree with others, about trying to move back home, or with a relative. Offer to help around the house with chores, so you "earn your keep" until you're able to find a paying job to support yourself and your baby. Because he is 18, I don't think his parents can be forced to assist with supporting the child, since he is legally an adult and they aren't legally responsible for him anymore. Are there any organizations in your area that can assist young, pregnant women with finding jobs or housing? I'd look into that as well, or adoption. Maybe one of your relatives would like to step up as a mom for the child while you finish school, or while you're at work. If you mention the possibility of adoption, your mother or an aunt may want to prevent the baby from being given up to strangers and may volunteer to take in the baby. I definitely would not stick around with this irresponsible loser though, no good can come of it, and if he gets busted with drugs and they find drugs in your home, you may end up going down with him too!

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A.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

If you really want to do what's good for the baby, you need to move out. A home in which the mom and dad fight all the time, dad is out using substances, and has no money to care for his family is not good for the baby, or for you. If things are bad now, they are going to be a LOT more stressful after the baby is born.

Can you move back home with your parents? Or maybe in with a trusted relative until you can get on your feet? You need a drug-free, calm place right now. I would quietly make arrangements to live someplace else.

Are you in school? Visit your school counselor for help with whatever resources you may need, where to go for financial help and find donations or charity that may be able to help with diapers, etc. Unless you are medically restricted, consider signing up at a temporary service for some light temp work, and maybe you can save a little money before the baby is born.

Tell your boyfriend you need space to focus on yourself and the baby. You aren't up to drawing a line in the sand over his using weed and being out with his friends. He's an adult and free to make his own choices. You will also make yours in the best interests of your child. Keep communicating with him regarding your pregnancy, appointments, etc. Find your self-respect and don't accept him back into a household with you for awhile. He has some serious growing up to do. He may, eventually, rise to the occasion when he realizes you won't just put up with his current lifestyle.

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K.C.

answers from Anchorage on

You've been given some very good advice from some very wise mother's who know what they are talking about. Please listen to them. I just wanted to add that if you choose to stay with this 18 year old boyfriend and bring a baby into a situation where you know drugs are involved, you very well could end up losing your child to cps. Think long and hard about this. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

You're 16 and living with someone who has no interest in being an adult. He's not going to stop, no matter how much you nag him or fight with him or reason with him. He's too young. He's not interested in adult responsibilities now, and it's not going to get any better at all when a baby comes! It's going to get worse! If he has money for weed, then you guys aren't putting any money aside for the incredible and ongoing expenses involved in having a baby.

And you are just 16 so you have no idea what's in store for you. I'm not going to reprimand you for living with someone now or failing to use contraception - that's in the past and you have to go forward. You've not had much parenting or guidance from adults up to this point, perhaps. It's time to get some now.

How are you supporting yourself now? Who buys your food and clothing, pays your heat and rent? There must be an adult involved somehow. You either have to go to a family member, or a teacher/school counselor (I hope you are in school) or your town's office for children and families (if there is one - call the town clerk to find out). If you know you are having a girl, then you've been getting some kind of prenatal care, so talk to your doctor and say you are in a terrible situation and you need help, and ask for referrals to relevant services for teens like you. You have got to get some adults involved to help you.

3 moms found this helpful

C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

Oh, you are so young! A baby is so much work...do you have a good relationship with your parents? If I were you I would move back in with my parents (if they are good people). I would finish high school. And I would try to come up with a career plan in life. I would slowly work on a degree that will land me a great job where I know I can support myself and my child. This will take time...so it will be a long term plan. The baby's father sounds too immature honestly and like he will not be of any help. Babies are so much work and take a lot of patience. I noticed that many men do not mature until they are close to age 30. I wish you lots of luck. Come up with your long term plan, try to think of what you would enjoy doing and what you can get a degree in after high school, work on being self sufficient. Remember to always use birth control...always! Hopefully with time your boyfriend will mature and step up as a father and partner in life. PS - think outside the box! I had a friend who worked on online classes when her kids were babies/toddlers and got a college degree, then a master's degree, then another master's degree. It took a long time and she did this slowly. She has an amazing career now. I have another friend who finished college and then raised her 2 kids. When the kids finished high school she went and got a PhD in her 40s! She became the head of a huge Department of Energy program. I thought that was pretty amazing.

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T.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

Your boyfriend is not going to grow up just because he is a father. 18 in boy years is like 14 or 15 in girls. You need to think about what is best for you and your baby. Can you move back home with your parents? If not you will need to find programs that can help support you and your baby until you can get on your feet. Continue going to school and go to college so that you can support your baby and be a good role model for her. Good luck.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

You are both still children and have a lot of growing up to do. It is possible he may become more responsible once the baby arrives, but he will still be a teenager and the simple fact is the human brain is not fully developed (impulse control ect) until we are in our early 20s.

Whether or not to stay with him is a separate issue to making sure your child is cared for though, you need to make sure you have things in place like a job for yourself, and government assistance. Best of luck.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

If it were me, I would get in touch with a relative and see if I could move in with them for now. A baby is a huge life altering change and you need support. Obviously, you're not getting any from your boyfriend - who sounds pretty irresponsible. I don't think you can expect him to help.

As for ensuring you have enough cash flow to purchase things like diapers, etc. for your child - hopefully you can talk to a parent, aunt, cousin .. some adult you trust and who will help advise you. First though, I would find a home for you and your child.

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R.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Do you have parents you can move in with? You need an adult support system. Both of you are very young, and this is not going to be easy. You will have a very hard time getting your baby's father to change.

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

You need the support of your family, whether it is your parents, grandparents, older siblings, aunts, uncles, etc. You cannot do this on your own. You are broke and you can't even support yourself, let alone a newborn.

I also think you need to move out and break up with your boyfriend. His actions show that he doesn't care about you or the baby. It will only get worse after the baby is born and he realizes how much work it is and how expensive it is, not to mention whether he can cope with the baby's crying.

As hard as it may be, you should also consider adoption. Visit a counselor - they can help you understand the process but, more importantly, help you sort out the emotions of even considering adoption. You might be happier letting another family raise the baby, knowing they will take excellent care of her, and giving you the opportunity to finish high school, go to college, and mature before starting a family of your own. Believe me, I know it is much easier said than done. But this is why talking to a counselor who handles this every day could help you.

If you choose to raise this baby, you are going to be forced to have its father in your life for at least the next 18 years... do you really want to spend the next 18+ years fighting over money and custody?

If you choose to keep the baby and don't have family to help you, you will be raising this baby on your own. Your boyfriend isn't going to be a reliable dad or partner.

You need a better education if you want to get a good job and raise a family. A new mother needs to know how to spell pregnant and diaper, not to mention use proper grammar and punctuation. Giving up the baby so that you can finish high school and go to college will help you get much farther in life.

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M.S.

answers from Kansas City on

You are getting some very good advice here. There is no question that you need to get away from the bad situation you're in as soon as possible. If your boyfriend is willing to seek help for his addiction and learn how to be a good husband and father, then he should find a government agency or charity that will help him. Until he is a much different person than he is now, though, you need to move out.

Adoption can be a great choice, and you should consider whether it is the best thing you can do for your baby.

If you choose to keep your baby, then relying on family until you can take care of yourself and your baby is the best option, if you have family who will be supportive of you. I totally agree that you need to continue your education so that you can become self-supporting as soon as possible.

If you do not have a supportive family, then you could try a local crisis pregnancy center. The people at these centers are typically kind and caring and will help both you and your baby. Here is a link that may help you find a center close to you: http://lifecall.org/cpc/maryland_dc.html

Next question: What Rights Does a 17 Year Old Have If Shes Pregnant in California