How Much Time Do You Spend at Work and How Much Time Do You Get with Your Child?

You have to do what you have to do to pay the bills and you should never feel guilty about that. Don't compare to other moms. I had the fortune to be able to stay home for several years with my kids, but I gave up other things like a career and in many ways, my independence. I have a good marriage but if I did not I would not have very many options since I am just now starting at the bottom work wise at 40. It is all about finding balance.

I’ve done it all over the years – stay at home mom, work part time, work full time, work at home. All had advantages and disadvantages, and some fit better at one point in my life than others. So what you do now might not be what you do in 5 years or 10.

I don't think one size fits all, and I don’t think one size fits you for your whole life.

I have a few thoughts I’ll just leave here:

1) Kids flourish when they have happy parents. They flourish and are more secure/confident
when they know that a variety of people can meet their needs (social, medical, educational, religious, etc.). I sent my kid to public school because I thought other people were better at teaching a variety of subjects than I am (and I’m an educator!). I sent him to summer camp and religious school and rec department basketball because others could do those things better than I. We visited museums and listened to the program educators there who knew more about earth science and zoology and climate change than we did. So my husband and I never thought that we wouldn’t need others in our “village.” We did what we were best at, and used the skills of others to round out. Parents who stay home or those who work in paid jobs are making that same decision in some way.
2) Kids don’t do well when a parent winds up blaming them for the situation – so child whose parent says, “I want to be with you, but I have to work to be able to give you soccer camp and college,” feels responsible for that parent’s exhaustion and frustration. That’s a heavy burden for a child.
3) Kids shouldn’t grow up thinking that work is a bad thing that people only do because they have to. Kids should think work is fun, rewarding, challenging, important, etc. and that parents are multi-faceted beings who enjoy multiple things. (The same is true of school – a sure way to make a kid hate learning is to say “You have to go to school. It’s the law.”)
4) Remember the flight attendant safety speech – “Place the oxygen mask over your nose and mouth and secure the strays, before you help your child or the person next to you.” Taking care of yourself is important – there’s an expression that you need to love your child enough to take care of his mother. It works in real life, not just on the tarmac.
5) Guilt is something you do to yourself. Usually it comes from not feeling secure about the decisions you’ve made. Sometimes it comes from society’s pressure that we have to be better than other women, than men, than our mothers. Let’s change up that narrative.
6) You like your job. It fulfills you. Yes, others are home earlier, but you don’t know truly how they feel inside. Do they feel they are cheating themselves? Are they professionally unfulfilled? Are they making the same salary as you? Are they losing out in other areas? Are they resentful of their children because their career goals aren’t me and they are working below capacity or in the “wrong” field? Some feel that way, and they dump that resentment on their kids, even unconsciously.
7) The grass is always greener on the other side, says the old proverb. But really, the grass is greener where you water it. So whatever choice you make, make it well and fully and enthusiastically. If it works for you now but not in a few years, fine. Make a change when it’s indicated.

it's a terrible horned dilemma, isn't it?

having options is the best. but some of us don't. when my babies were small, staying home with them simply wasn't an option. my schedule looked a lot like yours. the hours were different, but the time-with was right about there.

and i too suffered greatly from guilt. and from just plain loving my boys and wanting more time with them. if i'd been in a great career that i loved i think the guilt and resentment would have been less, but i've usually worked dutifully, not from a place of passion.

i don't think guilt or resentment are healthy emotions for a mom to have or a child to experience second-hand, but it wasn't something i was able to turn on and off either.

that being said, we did our best to make it do-able. we had daycare we liked and trusted, and when there were incidents (my younger went through a bitey phase, for example) we all worked together to get through it. my kids were in daycare from 5 weeks old on so they didn't sweat it. like all kids they did cry sometimes when getting dropped off, and went mad with joy on the rare but wonderful occasions we played hooky from everything and had adventure days, but it didn't traumatize them.

the fact that you love your job is huge. don't minimize that.

obviously you love your baby far, far more. that's a given.

CAN you work less? will your household budget stand for it? does your job have some flexibility for off-kilter hours or part-time? will doing so impact your marriage negatively?

if it will derail your entire career, or put your financial stability in jeopardy, or result in no time spent nurturing your marriage, then do your best to love and comfort yourself through the guilt and carry on. if YOU are reasonably happy and confident, that's the best possible gift to give your baby.

if it's possible, though, to cut back at work and spend more time with your baby, do it. i have very few regrets about our wonderful parenting years (although i do have some, and they're doozies). i don't blame myself or beat myself up for having to work so much. that's simply how it was. but if i'd had more choices it would have rocked. i'd have LOVED to be a SAHM, or at least a Stay-At-Home-More mom.

khairete
S.

I’ve been a stay at home mom from the get go, so I’m with mine 24/7... they’re 9, 12, and 15 now, and we left the public schools to homeschool/virtual school 3 years ago, so we are together literally all the time. For me, I would have it any other way. My husband earns a very comfortable living, we live, travel, save - and I don’t have a desire to work at this point, so it works FOR US.

That said, are you in a financial position to either not work or work less? If so, look into doing that. If not, there’s nothing to feel guilty about, you are doing what needs doing to meet your child’s needs. Don’t feel badly for that. Make the best of the time you have together, and carry on. Try to do your chores/housework after he goes to bed to maximize your time together. If you’re married, sit down and talk with your husband about ways to make some changes to make your lifestyle line up a bit more with what you’d like.

There’s no right or wrong way. Try not to get down on yourself, you sound like a great mom doing a great job!

It's tough.
But you need to work to pay for food, clothing and shelter - and you have retirement and a college fund to save up for.
Not working is not an option - unless your husband makes enough so that you don't have to work.
Maybe you can get a job closer to home or move to be closer to your job.
While an hour commute is so so - I've heard of much longer commutes.
My commute was about 30 min one way depending on traffic.

I know what you're feeling.
But while I missed my child - I enjoyed interacting with adults and co-workers at work.
I think I was a more patient mother than I would have been if I'd been home all day every day.
And he had other kids to play with at daycare.
It was a crazy balancing act - but we made our way through it - and now our son is just finishing up his freshman year at college - he'll be home next week!

You are doing what you have to do! Don't feel guilty!! My mom was a single mom realtor and she had to work most weekends and many holidays too. She still planned plenty of family time and I have memories of all the good times. Is there any way you can move closer to your job? Or you could start looking to see if there is a job you like that is closer to your home. Although bc you love your job I don't think you should change it....I guess it depends on how much you love it.

I know exactly how you feel. Once I returned to work from maternity leave, which was when my daughter was just three months old, I left the house at 5 a.m. and returned home around 5:30 p.m. My commute was 75 miles each way and with LA traffic, that meant I spent about 3 hours on the road everyday. I didn't spend any time in the morning with her and spent about 1.5 hours with her before she went to bed, just like you.

However, I always knew that after a while, I would be able to work from home. When she was about 15 months old, I started working twice a week at home (same job). Then when she was around two years old, I started working from home three times a week at home (still the same job). When she was about 2.5 years, I got a transfer to the office 10 miles from me AND I continued to work three times per week (still the same job, just different location). The fact that I spent only about 35-40 minutes rather than three hours on the road helped a lot.

If you can find another position, do it. You'll never get this precious time back with your son.

I am a stay at home mom. I went through a lot to have kids (multiple miscarriages and really thought I was unable to carry).
I am blessed to partner with my hubby in 2 businesses and we homeschool because we travel a lot. So we’re together all the time.

My sister worked full time with her kids. She is one of the best mothers I’ve ever seen. I tried to model my mothering from hers. She had a daycare she trusted and her kids thrived. When she was a single parent I would help her on the weekends by taking the kids so she could have down time. It was never that she asked, but I knew it was an incredible responsibility to be a single parent.

All that to say, you sound like a great mom. Do not allow yourself to think you’re not giving enough to your baby. If you can do some of the suggestions others have made, great. It’s not totally about time spent. It’s about how you use the time you do have. I’ve seen some stay at home moms who aren’t great moms too. 😉

Enjoy your baby! Mine are 18 and 14. It goes too fast!!💕

Is it possible to move closer to your job? Perhaps if you had a shorter commute, you wouldn't feel so bad about it. I used to have a much longer commute when my daughter was little and I hated it. Getting laid off turned out to be for the best because my last 2 jobs have been much shorter commutes.

Very common mommy guilt, and in my experience, it's really hard to get over, no matter how much you love and/or need your job. Trust me - NO ONE loves their job more than their baby, no one. Those of us who are moms who also work full-time constantly walk the tightrope to keep our employers happy, families happy, and not lose our minds. Some days it is easier than others.

One thing that worked for me was that my kids have always had a later bedtime. Because my kids have never gone to be before 9PM, I have more time in the evening with them. They sleep in later into the morning, but I was willing to give up 30 minutes in the morning to gain 90 minutes in the evening. And they also took longer naps in the afternoon - but that was while they were at daycare, so that didn't take away from my time with them. Especially now that it is warm and light so much later in the evening, you might consider shifting bedtime back and spending your evenings outside with your little one, and adopting a later bedtime so that you have more baby time.

I realize moving closer to work isn't always ideal (you own your home, live in a great school district etc.).
How about finding a job closer to home? Are you in a financial position to do that?
The only other thing I could think of is to ask them if you could work from home 2 days a week. If they really aren't into that, ask them if they could try 1 day a week.
Or could you ask for shorter hours on Mondays and Fridays?

In the beginning, I didn't personally spend much time - but did on weekends. I think this is fairly typical, isn't it if you are working full time? It was for my friends who had the same work schedule.

My husband worked a flexible schedule (demanding but he could arrange it). So we just made sure that the kids weren't in daycare full time.

As the children got older, you got to see them more in the evenings.

Other factors help - if you can work from home (as you advance in career), moving closer to work, taking an afternoon/day off work during week, etc.

Now that I'm older, I have friends who left their full time jobs and became consultants from home and work when they want to - still getting work through their old companies, and others started new jobs as in home businesses through their interests. It allows them to be home with their school age children. Their husbands now make enough for them to do this.

It keeps changing as you go through life. During the baby stage though, unfortunately yes - it's when you hardly see them, unless you are prepared to make changes and maybe downsize, move closer to work, take another job closer to you (maybe not the perfect fit for you but that allows you more freedom, etc.).