Hi Ladies. I have two boys, 7 yrs and 16 month old. At first we were allowing him to have alone time in his room with his door closed for a little while once a day, but now he just wants to spend everyday alone in his room playing with his toys with his door closed. True enough, he plays with things like Bakugan and Hotwheels on the floor and the baby will ruin his layouts but is it really healthy for him to spend so much time alone? Well, my husband recently told him that he is to now leave his door open at all times, because it was causing such a problem with the baby. He would just stand outside his door and cry,but at the same time I think he should have time to play together and alone but what is the right amount of alone/together time? Also, do you think that the baby should be allowed to play with his toys or should they be off limits?
Thanks in advance!
That's tough since it's such a large age difference. If it were me, I would allow my older son to play with the baby as often as he wanted but I don't believe I would allow the baby to go into his older brothers room and mess up all his stuff, that just doesn't seem fair. I think that if he's not forced to play with his little brother and able to make that decision himself he will want to do it more. Best of luck to you!
There isn't really much playing "together" that a 7-year-old and a 1-year-old can do. It's just the 7-year-old entertaining the 1-year-old.
I'd let him have his time alone, with the door shut. It's not HIS responsibility to deal with the baby crying outside his door, it's yours.
His toys should be his toys, his room should be his space. Toys that are appropriate for a 7-year-old are not appropriate for a 1-year-old. Surely the baby has his own toys.
What about a baby gate in his doorway? That way your little one can see what he is doing and you can talk to him from nearby but his layouts won't be disturbed? He is old enough to operate one and most are easy enough to install in the mornings and you can just remove at bedtime if you want to shut his door. It would only take a couple of extra minutes a day but would solve your problem.
I agree with Christina.
If the siblings were closer, it would be a different story. That isn't fair for the 7 year old to be an automatic babysitter/entertainer.
They are in 2 different time zones.
Just saying
No, he should not be expected to play with the 16 month old.
As the others said, it's not his job to play with him, it is yours. Forcing him to play with his little brother will only cause him to resent him and never want to play with him.
Trust me, I was the older sibling (6 1/2 years older) and I couldn't stand my brother till he was in his 20's.
None.
If he wants to spend a lot of time in his room, just ensure that he is doing it from the joy of playing, not the avoidance of things that are hard for him to cope with. Handling difficult things in life is a huge source of real self-esteem.
No, I do not believe that it is appropriate for a 16mo to be playing with toys made (and safe) for older children.
If there was no brother to play with, what would the 16mo be doing? When brother's in his room, there is no brother --so what's the fascination with the door? When my kid were too far apart in abilities and interests to really play together much, I knew that entertaining the younger one was my job, not her's.
Having the 7yo in his room crying about what a mess the 16mo is making of his life and playing is no improvement over the 16mo crying outside the door. If someone has to be miserable, why is it the 7yo? Who's on his side?
Put a baby gate in his doorway. That way the baby can see him, yell at him - even throw toys at him *grin*, and they can interact. I would also do fun family things in the living room that the 7 year old is a part of. Also, don't coddle him by saying how sorry you are that the baby is always messing with his stuff. I think that will just build resentment. Show him how much fun his brother has with him rolling a ball back and forth, and point out how important he is in his baby brother's life, and what a role model he is. If your older son is playing a video game or watching a movie, try to keep the baby away without making a big deal of it.
I've got a just turned 11 year old girl and an almost 2 year old boy. We had the same problem and used the gate in the doorway at first. She loves to play with him so it's not usually a problem. We have talked to her about letting him play with something for a little bit, as long as it won't hurt him, but we keep telling him that it is his sister's every time he utters the word 'mine.' It took a little while, but we finally found the balance b/w the two. We let our daughter go visit other friends down the street a lot, but also tell her that she has to go out the door when he's not watching, b/c his favorite thing to do is go outside. He's just getting big enough to spend lots of time outside too, so I think we're all set. We try to give him a little bit of fun without big sister too. Good luck.
Hi Tiffany,
All kids need alone time, especially when you're talking about that big an age difference. I personally wouldn't see a big deal with the 7year old having alone time in his room with the door shut for maybe 20-30 minute intervals, but I wouldn't let him stay back there for hours on end with his door shut, I kind of have to agree with Dad on that point. What you might think about is installing a kiddie gate, one that the baby won't be able to climb over for awhile, in the doorway of your oldest son's room, that way he can play, not have to shut his door, and the baby can't mess up his cars layouts and whatnot. As far as the toys go, I have an 8 year old son as well as a 3 year old son. I have found that the best thing that works with my boys is catagorizing the toys. There are 'big kid toys', 'little guy toys' and 'sharing toys.' Sharing toys are the toys that are age appropriate for both boys to play with, such as cars and racetracks, stuffed animals, legos, and things that can't be swallowed or easily ingested by the youngest. I hope this helps. Good luck to you!
S.
Hi Tiffany,
I have a 6 year old, a 2 year old and an almost 1 year old, so I completely understand what you are talking about. Thankfully my 6 year old enjoys spending time with her two younger brothers most of the time. But I do think it is good to allow some time that they get to play alone if they want to. But I don't think it is right that they can close their door all day long, because I think it is important for them to learn to interact as well. So, I would suggest setting a time of the day that is his specific time to play alone in his room, and then at all other times the door remains open.
As for the toys, we have toys that are not appropriate for the younger boys (small parts or messy things like paint) that my oldest is only allowed to get out after the boys go to bed at night or during their naptime. I just have made that the rule on those since it is easier than trying to keep them out of it. In my opinion it is probably ok for older siblings to have a few "special" toys that the younger siblings are not allowed to play with, but in general, I think most toys need to be shared. Especially because in our house we are not planning on buying many more toys, and so what we have is what everyone gets to play with. I'm sure you'll find what works best for your kids.
Happy playing. :)
M.
Here's my two cents: In our house all the toys that will go through a toilet paper tube are not allowed for anyone under 3 years of age. I have about 9 years in child care. K has her toys, Barbies and all the fashion that entails, Polly Pockets with tiny parts, etc...these toys stay in her room and she is allowed to play in there as often as she likes with her door closed. J has his toys in his room and K can't go in there and play with them, she is too big and can break them. They do, however, have toys both can play with in the family area. Such as Tonka Trucks, books, piano, tape players, DVD players and movies, etc...they can both play together or parallel play.
I know that she can spend too much time in her room but when I think that is happening I start a movie and make some snacks everyone can eat. If I give her something to come out and enjoy she will come out every time. Popcorn is a choke hazard so it's not a snack in our house unless it's nap time for the little ones. Or I get out the finger paints, or crayons and coloring books, so many things that a little one has to be supervised while using. Have it in an area you can be vigilant about watching. Little ones are precious and can choke quickly.
