How Is HIS Isolated Affection MY Fault?

Melissa,

How have you managed to stay married for 12 years and not say something about this until NOW?

Have you tried marriage counseling?

Please stop being passive/aggressive and stand up and speak your mind. How do you guys communicate on a daily basis?? Have you told him how YOU feel?? Don't say "YOU make me feel" it will automatically put him on the defense.... try "I feel like I need more from you...."

Both of you need to grow up and communicate. Please get marriage counseling.

I'm with the couples counseling suggestion. You don't speak highly of your husband and seem to take a poor view of him. I'm sure that has a profound affect on your wanting intimacy with him. No one really wants to be intimate with someone who they find repugnant.

There's really no other advice I can give. Were I in your situation, I'd find a counselor. If your husband won't go, then go for yourself. Find out what you want to do about the situation.

I can relate to a little bit of this.

When my marriage has been stressful because of my health or kid concerns, or outside influences, we stop communicating as well as we normally do. And my husband, if stressed, wants to be on his own - to unwind. And then we aren't as affectionate. I've pulled away unknowingly at times too. When I've been busy with work in the past, etc. Sometimes it's just about getting through the day.

And then you need to reconnect, communicate, and get back to being a couple. Some people need a counselor to help them do this. My friend is a sex therapist who helps couples - not just with sex.

However, my husband is not rough or heavy handed. Has your husband always been this way? Some men rush foreplay - that's probably not that uncommon. But if he's brutish - that's a whole other thing. So I'm not sure if this is new, or he's been lazy or he has no clue - maybe you're just venting. But if it's rough and unpleasant and he doesn't stop when you ask him to - that's of concern.

But you sound quite passive. You have a say. So say no. But it's far more effective to be positive and say what you want. Ask for it. If you don't ask for what you want, you'll never get it.

As for the sleeping, my husband snores. We all have invested in good ear plugs. And also a cot with a futon mattress that is self inflating. It's comfortable. I would not be sleep deprived and go through what you are when there are options.

I get that he should be more considerate of you. But if he's not - then you call a counselor and you get a bed set up for you (or make him sleep on it or take turns) and you make this into something you want.

Good luck :)

Try marriage counseling.
You guys need some better communication in order to resolve your issues without it devolving into a childish pout fest.

Marriage is so hard and one of the hardest parts is maintaining a good sex life. It takes a lot of work and intention to get out of the kind of rut you are describing. As someone who has been married a long time, I suggest you own your part in these difficulties. I have found that is usually the best place for me to start. I am not saying it is all your fault but I would venture to guess you are not giving him your best self either. I can hear the disdain in your post so I am sure he can feel it. I would sit him down and say "We need to improve our connection. I am not happy with our sex life and I can tell you are not happy with it either. What do you need from me to feel more connected? (really try and listen to what he needs) I need A,B,C, etc. from you." Keep talking and keep listening until you guys sort this out. It may take numerous conversations over time to really understand where each other is coming from on this. Blessings!!

Congrats on 12 years, that shows that there is love & affection between the two of you, & you can get through this. Communication is key - you need to talk to your husband about what you need & enjoy in bed. Make sure to do it in a way that doesn't put him down for his current shortcomings, letting him know what you do enjoy that he does, & asking him if he can do more/less of something else.

I went through this recently with my own husband (16 years this May), asking him to be more affectionate outside of the bedroom, & to offer compliments out loud. It took a while of encouragement from me, but things are going well! The key is to make sure you recognize when he IS making an effort - it's so easy to fault all the times they don't, but if right now there aren't any efforts, then every one offered is a victory in the right direction. Don't forget to listen to what he wants/needs as well.

Regarding his sleep apnea, I haven't gotten my husband to the sleep clinic yet, but I did record him & play it back - he laughed nervously, had NO idea that he was snoring so loudly. (I don't know what else he thought I meant when I said I could hear him down the hall even with the door closed). I know he has sleep apnea, & allergies, & all sorts of other issues. But it's scary for him to think of having something so serious, & I realize going to the doctor & having it diagnosed makes it "real".

In the meantime, I spoke with a clinician @ a sleep clinic, & they suggested having him sleep with elevated pillows. There is a "wedge pillow" that you can buy, but for now, propping up on 3 pillows is working... I'm getting sleep! So, have a heart to heart with your hubby - let him know that you are worried for him, and ask him why he isn't wearing the mask. LISTEN to his answers - whether you agree with them or not, they are his feelings & they are valid. From there, you can work through how to make it work for him, & then for you. In the meantime, give him some extra pillows :)

Hope this helps. All the advice below on counseling - follow it. Even if it means talking to a more seasoned married couple for advice (either together or separately with each of them), we have found that to be helpful as well. Good luck! T. :)

Marriage counselling ASAP.

Sounds like you both suck at communication. You are both communicating at all the wrong times. You know he is going to snore but you wait till the middle of the night to toss and turn so he knows to put it on. How about before you go to bed nicely saying I wish you would put your cpap on before you get to bed so I can get a good night sleep?

You only seem to communicate when you are angry, as does he, as you can tell from being on the receiving end that doesn't feel good. You have anger built up, so does he. So you can either start learning to communicate or find a therapist to help you. Communication only when angry only lasts for a short time. When you communicate your needs in a non-confrontational way it lasts forever because people who love each other want the other to be happy.

It's pretty sad that after 12 years you guys can't communicate better. Maybe counseling would help?
And yeah, I NEED my sleep, so snoring would send me in the other room too. Just be honest (and not a nag) say babe, I really WANT to sleep with you but until you wear your mask I'm going to need to sleep somewhere else. Hopefully he cares enough to make the effort.

Well it sorta depends what you really want. I mean a lot of this sounds fairly typical for marriage and men, especially after 12 years...but you're not happy and that's not fair either. If you've really tried talking to him and you don't think it's helping, then what?

Do you think you sleeping in another room would make it hit home for him? If so, maybe sleep in the recliner for another night or two and see if it starts a conversation that helps. How many times have you talked about it? Have you showed him exactly what you want him to do to turn you on...have you specifically said in the moment, please do XYZ right now! Guys like to be told what to do and in the bedroom it can make them feel turned on to hear you tell them what you want. Do you try to be affectionate towards him in an everyday way like holding hands or kissing hello and goodbye? What does he do?

If you've done all this and it isn't working then yeah, I guess I say counseling too. Maybe just start out by yourself and go from there.

I think this is an excellent case for counseling. I totally understand where you're coming from and identify with you in many ways. You actually put the situation into words really clearly - I could never quite put my finger on what irritated me about how my husband handled intimacy but yeah, there was a heavy-handededness to how he approached intimacy and I often felt like a piece of meat there to meet his needs instead of his partner. It's easy to get into a dynamic where you avoid any affection whatsoever because you know he'll expect sex out of it, then he gets frustrated because you seem cold and unaffectionate, and you end up in a standoff where neither person feels his or her needs are being met or desires as being validated.

Counseling will really help you, I think. My husband and I had a lot of other issues to deal with and we are now on our way to divorce, but this was one area where, with counseling, we could get on the same page for a while and start to enjoy each other again in a mutually satisfying way. Then other things would crop up, find their way into the bedroom, and it would start all over again. But if other things are good, this might be a fairly easy fix with the guidance of counseling. And it other things aren't good either...well counseling can help sort those out too.

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/stayin...

http://timewarpwife.com/wish-werent-married/

These kind of articles help me. Maybe it'll help you. Good luck. Marriage is such a blessing that so many women wish they had.
And I'm not insinuating you don't wanna be married, just offering a different perspective. You guys will get through this. :)
You've been through worse I'm sure!

THank you for posting this,

I can so relate.. I get more foreplay,, to the tune of 30 minutes later he is still pinching my nipples and gets mad when i say i'm ready ... now... like 20 minutes ago because i'm freakin tired and just want it over.

But yes it all comes down to communication and I feel like counseling makes it into a HUGE deal when most of the time i can just put up iwth it,, sure it would be better but .. what would it take to get him to agree to go with me.... thats the big question.
ugg..

good luck to you. post an update if you figure it out.

Well, all I can ask is why you are asking a question that you know the answer to?

Of course his isolated affection isn't your fault. You know that. I guess it's a rhetorical question. But, what question are you really trying to ask? Why you stayed with him when he's like this and you are miserable? Why you had children with him?

He doesn't care if you are happy. He has made this perfectly clear.

So, what do you do? If I were you, I'd go to counseling and figure yourself out. At some point, try to get him to go with you. If he won't, then you will have to decide what you want to do. Do you want to live like this forever?