How Hard Do I Have to Work to Find the Kids Friends?

As long as they are content, then let it be. When they want to spend time with a friend, they'll let you know. My 7 year old had just rather be home. He does hang out with friends from time to time, but I don't go out of my way to arrange play dates at his age. Friendships and hanging out will become more important as he gets older. Right now, it's just not a priority.

I think if they wanted time with friends from school they would be begging you for it. My kids were always pestering me to have friends over, and since we didn't have kids in the neighborhood it took phone calls/emails to make it happen.
So really, if they're happy not to have friends over I wouldn't worry about it. Not all children are social butterflies, and some actually prefer to spend more time on their own. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just their personality.

You can advise your kids. "Hey, why don't you get so-and-so's number so you can call her and see if she can come play on Saturday?" or "Why don't you invite a few friends over to sleep over?"

You can sign them up for a sport or activity that they've told you they want to do, and encourage them to socialize.

But don't take charge of anything further. Don't make play dates for them, don't have a social calendar. Don't call people out of the directory. Just don't.

Kick them outside to play. When you see them playing with kids, ask them about those kids at the dinner table. When you've seen those same kids playing with yours several times, ask your kids if they'd like to invite their friends to come in and watch a movie. Go introduce yourself to their parents and exchange numbers in case the kids want to play inside your home or theirs.

But don't, again, don't plan it all out for your kids. Your kids need to learn how to socialize and manage their own friendships. You can give advice, but stay out of the way.

You mention ADHD. I have ADHD and so do my sons. This never stopped us from making friends, having sleepovers and watching movies, eating dinner and a friend's house, or running all over the neighborhood until the streetlights came on.

Just let your kids do their thing. Give advice. Encourage. They'll be fine.

It's not your job to fill their time with friends. When they are ready to start hanging out with friends they will let you know. Enjoy that right now they like to be home, hanging with the family, the day will come where you will be back on this site complaining that your kids never want to be home.

Do you have a class list, with contact info for the students in your kids' classes? Just say to your kids "who would you like to invite over to play this week?" and then pick up the phone, call that parent and see what day their child can come over after school. If a lot of parents work, then the same-day arrangements are hard but most parents would be delighted to arrange in advance for their child to go home with a classmate instead of to the after-school program every now and again, they just need advanced notice.

After you do this a few times, have your children place the phone calls themselves (with your permission). It's not hard, but they don't know what to do. You have to teach them - for some kids it takes a bit of practice to learn how to be social but it's a teachable skill.

My oldest son was in an after-school program every day through second grade so play dates were few and far between for him. When I started to work from home a few days a week, he had more chances to invite kids over or go over someone's house. My younger boys have been arranging their own play dates since they were in pre-K, but they were just following the lead of their older siblings.

So I would say to go ahead and take the lead for now and see where it goes.

BTW...casually leaping to an ADHD conclusion about someone who changed the subject is somewhat ignorant and offensive. I know you didn't intend for it to come across that way, but for those of us who deal with spouses and/or children (or ourselves) who have this, it's not funny.

Please don't waste your energy wondering why kids today don't just exchange phone numbers at age seven. Whatever happened when you were a kid, it's not like that now. Parents and kids all have busy schedules and you have to recognize that. The local kids just aren't out there to be available playmates for your kids. Things just don't work out that way in every neighborhood. And as your kids get older, they and you will find that mere physical proximity does not make real friendships; shared interests--not just having houses on the same street--make friendships. That's why activities can help. Activities are not there just to provide your kid with friends; your kids should do activities that they enjoy for the activity's own sake or your kids will not make friends there. But if they find something they truly enjoy doing, the friendships flow from sharing that experience.

You said your kids lacked interest in activities -- maybe they were in the wrong activities. Let them pick things and ensure that any activity is not (at first) some school-year-long commitment but maybe an eight- to 10-week class through a rec center, etc. -- something long enough for them to build an interest but short enough that, if they aren't into it, they see the end in sight. (If they just love the activity, then sign them up longer-term.)

And don't limit what you and they think of as extracurricular activities. For some folks that just means sports, sports and more sports, but think about arts, dance, unusual sports like fencing or tennis (yes, you can play it indoors in winter), Girl and Boy Scouts, church youth group, Lego build groups (they're out there for kids, try your local library for Lego sessions and Pokemon and other kid gaming sessions!) etc.

Yes, your kids may need down time and not be into doing much. That's fine. I'm just saying that activities can help kids find new interests and get outside their own heads and have something other than school and home in their lives, but you have to help them think outside the box on what activities might be interesting.

If they burned out on previous activities, maybe those weren't the right ones for them, or they had too many. Or maybe you could sign them up for something -- even a one-day, one-time kids' event or workshop at a craft store etc. -- with a friend from school. Ask your daughter or son things like, "How about if we bake cookies this Saturday and you ask a friend over to help us bake and decorate them?" Or, "We're going to the pool on Sunday--why don't you ask a friend to come too? I can ask the parents if you let me know who would be fun to take." Yes, that's being your kids' social secretary, but they are still very young and aren't going to come up with that stuff on their own just yet, and need you to drive them or contact other kids' parents.Plus....doing that kind of thing lets you get to know your child's friends. (And if they say, "Blah, I don't care, there's really nobody I want to ask," push them with a few suggestions and they will end up having a ton of fun.)

You may indeed have to approach the neighbors with kids about arranging play dates. Don't depend on just catching the neighbor kids outside and sending your own kids dashing out to play. Take the initiative and call-- those other parents might be really pleased to hear from you, more than you realize.

Same for parents at school. Do you volunteer at your kids' school or schools? Volunteering puts you into direct contact with other parents who volunteer (and since your kids' ages mean they are early elementary, you are in luck - in those grades, many more parents are volunteering and there are more events etc. that need parent volunteers than in older grades). Get acquainted with other parents of your kids' classmates and then it's easier to arrange play dates. Just seeing parents at pickup and dropoff, is fine if you do that, but seeing them more around school really can help.

You mention that you wonder if you must "be in charge of their social calendar." At least where we live, in an area with many working parents and many kids who are into actvities as well as tough schoolwork, yes, frankly you do have to be in charge of their social calendars at ages like 7 and 8. They can't drive themselves anywhere, the neighbor kids aren't always around as just-run-outside playmates, and they are going to default to "I'd rather just stay home." Home is great much of the time, but also think about whether they might actually like to try something new outside the house.

I definitely have helped my kids organize playdates. I'll email a mother of a child who one of mine have expressed interest in etc. I agree your kids need downtime but at the same time, if they're getting to watch a fair amount of tv and play video games, they're likely more content to sit at home. I would take the bull by the horns and ask each of them to pick someone to invite over and then get in touch with the mother via phone, email etc and invite them over or offer to take them to a park. You may have to try two or three kids. If you know any of the kids in the neighborhood, get your kids on scooters and drop by their house and ask if they want to go take a scooter ride. We have a friendly neighborhood so that happens a lot. I also feel like when we moved in, we were just outside a lot walking around etc and got to know people and encouraged the whole idea of the kids being outside playing together. Sometimes it takes one family to get the ball rolling. If you haven't done a lot of playdates in the past, it may be kind of foreign to your kids and they have to get used to the idea to see how much fun it can be. It can be work for you. My oldest is very social but I still had to talk to a lot of moms I had nothing in common with etc to facilitate some playdates and friendships. My youngest isn't so social but I've always encouraged it so she has at least a couple of good friends and I think now it's just a bit more "normal" for her to think about making friends and putting herself out there a bit. She is more of an introvert so I don't make her play with other kids 24/7 but she does need some friends so I've helped with that at times. I guess bottom line is yes - you do have to take charge of their social calender in this day and age to a large degree... And if your kids aren't really comfortable with playdates, I would have some craft or something the first couple of times so they have something to do. In general I don't do that as I think kids should be able to just play on their own but if you need to get everyone comfortable, I think it'd be worth it the first few times.

You know, I might recommend looking at it slightly differently.

Kids today DO have their social calendars more structured by playdates and after-school activities than we did in ye olden times. That's just the reality. But I've had really good experiences with reaching out to other parents and scheduling playdates. Usually, after one parent initiates a playdate, the other person reciprocates, so it's not like you have to constantly be reaching out. And my son has really, really benefited from this social time. He's fine and happy without it -- it's not like there's a *lack,* exactly -- but he's gotten a whole lot out of it. And I've formed some wonderful friendships too. I'm a better parent, and a happier person, than I would be if I didn't have parent-peers as friends -- moms with kids the same age.

And, I'm all kinds of shy, so reaching out is always a stretch for me. But it's also been a huge benefit. I might just recommend thinking of it in terms of the positives, and giving it a few more tries.

You can't make friends FOR them. You just can't. And filling their calendars is just going to wear them out.

Are they introverts? Are you an extrovert? If this is the case, you really have to let it go because they are NOT like you. They are content.

I totally get the frustration with why they aren't outside. In that case, go to the park as a family. If you see other parents in your neighborhood, ask them about the "kids outside" thing. Maybe the parents are thinking the same thing but haven't done anything about it.

They may have their fill of socializing at school. Are they introverted in general? Being an introvert means that they recharge alone. I am an introvert and many times I am just fine coming home and putting my feet up. My DH is an extrovert and would love to unwind with friends after a long week. I wouldn't push it as long as they have kids who are friendly to them at school. I'd wait for your kids to ask and then send them with a note with your number on it or tell them to give the kid your number and have their parents call you. My DD has not yet been able to set up a play date with her school friends (harder in the elementary school) but that doesn't mean she has nobody to play with on the playground. With work schedules, it is hard to get kids together during the week. By the time her friend's parents pick her up, it's already 6PM. So there isn't much time to play outside of recess.

My sister had just a handful of friends her entire childhood - and those few friends are STILL her friends now. Sometimes it just takes a couple of people to satisfy a person's social needs.

If you just want them to go outside, then send them outside. Even if they only play with each other. I wouldn't be a madwoman with activities. Sounds like they don't want or need them.

ETA: Not everyone knows what to say to a comment like that. I'm sorry you were offended, but it may not have been intentional. If you want to try again, give her a call, but I would otherwise let it go.

I have one playdate every week. The other mom's and I call or email each other and set it up. It is either at our house or at their house. We do this with multiple other families so it is not with the same kids each time. I noticed some families are not that into doing this, so I stop bugging them about it. My oldest who is 9 will now call and set up his own playdates as well. I do these playdates bc my kids both BEG for them. Yes, you should talk to your neighbors. Yes, you should call or email other parents and see who is interested. It's fun for the kids to do this now and then.

There is a definite change to the pattern and frequency of playtime after school.

Currently, the best day we have for friends to come over and hang out is on Friday's now. So I do help my 11 year old with those plans, in terms of suggesting she think about who she would like to have over, get their number, etc.

If you are all enjoying this new relaxed phase, I'd just go with it. Use the time wisely to teach your kids how to cook a favorite meal, or bake, or start a craft. Not all kids are into busy sports schedules. Although I'm a huge believer in music lessons. I insist that my kids take music lessons, until they are in the band/orchestra.

It could just be that your kids are content with their life and that is the ideal situation right? I know when my daughter was in second grade she took a break from everything because she wanted too and that is okay. I understand the financial end of group sports, especially when you have more than one child. We enjoy our down time and the less pressure lifestyle. If you have a lot of kids on your street, I would talk to your neighbors and see what their schedule is like. Or just try playing and being outside. We too have a lot of kids on our street and usually if one set of kids goes out to play others end up going out too. If kids indoors, hear or see someone outside having fun, they want to go too. Have your kids initiate by knocking on someones door and see if they want to come play/ ride bikes, run through the sprinkler, color with chalk etc. You can help them out by going the first few times, until some connections are made. Don't force it though, just enjoy your time with them. If you don't want them doing the "screen activities" then create games, activities, or scavenger hunts you can do with them. People always place so much emphasis on "friends" but I think a strong parent relationship is much more valued by younger children.
Good Luck :)

Other people's kids are probably doing what your kids are doing, playing video games and watching tv. IMHO, you need to turn the games and tv off and tell your kids to get outside. I tell my grandkids to go outside when it's nice outside and if they choose to just sit on the porch and pout, that's their problem. They ALWAYS find something to do and have fun doing it.

You might find that once your kids are outside having a good time, other kids will come out to join them. None of the kids are going out because they don't see anyone else out there to play with. Be the first - tell your kids to go outside and play and that they can come back in in one hour. Bet before that hour is up, they have some other neighborhood kids out there playing with them.

I would not be their social secretary. In fact, I ALWAYS tell my grandkids that I am not their social secretary when they complain about boredom. That's when I banish them to the great outdoors with a time frame during which they must stay outside. I'm not being mean, I am looking out for their best interests. Outside play is much more preferable than couch potatoes watching tv and play video games!

So, be the example for your neighborhood and get your kids OUTSIDE!

No, they may just be an introvert and that's okay. I'm an extrovert and that's just as hard. I love being around people and get pretty darn cranky if I'm home alone with no one to visit with.

Ask them if they want you to help them learn how. They can make friends just by playing with them at recess or sit by them at lunch. If they are interested in being closer they should know how but might need a little help.

I'd just let them try for now. Later on you can do more if they're still having issues.

Just let them find their own friends at school and in the neighborhood. You don't need to be their social secretary.
I preferred to be alone at that age - I just wasn't a sociable kid. If my mom had enrolled me in a gazillion activities and brought people over to the house expecting me to play with them, I would have been miserable. I was alone, but I was not lonely.

Well, lol, you do need to run around like a man women so the kids ARE NOT HOME WATCHING TV OR PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. That's just so sad and unhealthy. No friends will come from that. Yes, you'll be running around. But that is how it is.

We do a ton of extra activities. It is expensive, but it's worth it because they are out doing things. But you can do free stuff, don't think you have to pay $$$$ for everything. Sure, they meet friends. But more than that, they are active and busy. Downtime is fine by me, but NOT watching TV all the time after school. We're doing 1 or 2 activities after school each day, so it is a lot.

I am really into this post because the kids I knew growing up who did nothing but TV are still doing nothing...it is very sad.

I kind of wonder about this myself. We have 6 kids ages 4-13. We have a preschool girl, two 1st graders (boy and girl), a 3rd grade boy, 5th grade girl, and 7th grade boy. We live within the square mile of the school, where I assume most of the kids live, yet they rarely ever play with friends. They always have great reports from teachers about how nice they are with other kids and how they get along with others. I'm at the school twice a week after school for running club, and they all seem to interact fine with the other kids. But I remember as a kid playing more with friends than they do. When I ask my kids who their friends are, they will often say they don't have any or that they don't know. Yet I see them friendly with so many people. I don't understand it.

Now, just within the last month, my 1st grade boy exchanged phone numbers with a boy from school that also goes to the same church functions during the week, but every time the other boys mom suggests a play date, it seems my son is 3 hours away at his dads. My 3rd grade boy also has a friend that we've made attempts on both sides to get together, but that boys dad lives an hour away and my sons dad lives 3 hours away and they go on opposite weekends so they are never home at the same time. My 5th grade step daughter does have a friend in the neighborhood and they occasionally play together at the park or at his house. And she sometimes has sleepovers at her best friends house. I would say she is the most "social" out of all of them. My 7th grade stepson rarely ever meets up with his friends and I know his friends live in the neighborhood. I've even suggested to him to give his friends a call but he never does.

We do live in a culdesac and are friends with our neighbors directly across from us. They have 3 kids, two in kindergarten and one in 2nd grade. On the weekends we are always playing out front, tossing the football, riding bikes or scooters, climbing the big tree, etc. So all the kids play together out front a lot. We often get together for a redbox movie or something. But that is about it for friends.

They've made friends in their extra curricular activities, but not to the point of exchanging phone numbers or coordinating playdates. They usually only talk at the activity.

On a side note, I've noticed over the last few years how many people don't even come to birthday parties anymore. I'm getting ready to send out invitations for our two 1st graders birthday party and in the back of my mind, I'm thinking it will be a low turn out. Last year we had only 2 or 3 kids from school show up to the party. I just took my stepdaughter to a birthday party for a friend a few weeks ago and she was the only kid from school that showed up.

I try not to worry about it. I figure in time, they will never want to be home with us and will always want to hang out with friends. So as long as they aren't upset about lack of play dates, it's all good. They have their siblings to play with.

My kids have always asked to have friends over, so I haven't really had to make play dates for them. Maybe you could take away the video games and the tv for a while, then see if they want to have friends. The thing with electronics is that you don't need to have friends to be entertained. If they say that they are bored without the electronics then suggest they call a friend over to play, or that they go outside and find someone to play with.

It sounds as though your kids aren't driving the train on this....

... which means that you should let yourself off the hook. If your kids are out in the yard, playing, other kids might see them and stop by. It sounds like they prefer to be inside and more sedentary activities... so that's one area you might consider addressing if this is concerning for you. In our neighborhood, even if it's cold-- we go out to bike or walk and see people as we see them. Sometimes we might walk for a block or two with another family --- it doesn't seem like much, but if the kids already recognize each other from school and then from the neighborhood, it's a start. (I mean, no one knows each other exists if they are all indoors all the time.) We do this some afternoons, or stay and play on the playground for a bit. We do this on the weekends and run into friends--- sometimes, too, the 'running into each other' turns into a spontaneous playtime or then, on the sidewalk, parents are comparing schedules and making plans for playtimes the next day.

My guess, too, is that much of this has to do with your kids and their not reaching out to other kids. You know, when I was a kid, I sometimes walked home from school with a classmate, but my sister and I played together a lot. It was rare to have a friend over after school or on the weekends... even back in the 70s, families were busy. I think that when your *kids* are motivated to want to reach out and extend themselves, it will become much easier. You also stated that you wanted more 'downtime' for your kids-- I will go out on a limb here and say that having friends over to play-- esp. for younger ages like your kids (7 and 8 are still young across the broad spectrum) there is a lot of social negotiating that happens when the kids get together.

Here's another perspective--
My son is 6 and very highly social-- he'd have friends over to play every afternoon if possible. We explain to him that recess and schooltime is a great time to play with buddies, and that lots of kids have other obligations after school. We have homework-- buy the time we walk home (sometimes with friends), get settled in, have a snack and have homework completed, it's nearing 4:30. We eat at around 5:45. He maybe has time to play, for one half-hour tv show, to help with setting the table, etc..... he still complains that he hasn't had enough playtime. Yesterday we went to a neighbor's house for about an hour for a snack and playtime-- in the evening he lamented that he didn't have enough time to play!This is just food for thought... but perhaps this "friends" thing matters more to you than it does for your kids? I'd try to relax and let them take a little ownership, okay? :)