How Far Apart Are Your Kids?

I'm in school to become a child psychologist and we've learned that the lower age of 18-20 months is much better than the 2-4 yr range. The reason is because at the younger age they will be close enough that the younger one will likely be able to keep up with the older one. If you want more time between give it around 5 years because then the older one is old enough to understand more of whats going on and they are far enough apart that the younger one likely won't be trying to catch up as much. Also, at 5 they are old enough they can help out some.

Hi,
I am 43yrs and I have 4 kids that are all 6yrs apart. It has its ups and down. by the time they are 6yrs they dont mind having a sibling. they all get along very well. never hitting or hating the other. my kids dont fight. the older ones have always protected the little one. I liked the one on one time with each. they all have thier own rooms. the downside? Im old and worn out. he-he. just kidding it keeps me trim.
C.

hi H.! i don't have any answers, but i'm in your same position: i have a 21 month old and we're thinking of trying for another miracle in 2008 OR waiting just a few more years, even, so the gap is even bigger between kids (and we might be more financially stable then since i'll have some time to work). i think you can't go wrong no matter what you decide, and don't forget that it can take awhile to get pregnant, too!
good luck!

Hi Hilary,

I have four children the 6,4,2,1. Older two are girls and younger two are boys. There are a lot of pros and cons to having them so close together, I will point out the important ones.

I was unable to do a lot of things with my younger children because I had them all so close together. No way to do swim lessons, byers gym, etc. They usually require one adult to every child. When they are close in age a lot of times someone is neglected. The squeaky wheel gets the grease! Your body physically gets put through the wringer and it is nice to get back in shape and balance out your hormones before you get preggers again. Every eight month of my four children I wanted a baby! I found out I was pregnant twice with two of my little ones being eight months.

The positive is my little girls play together well and soon my boys will too. My husband turned 40 this year so we didn't want to have them any later.

The factors you want to consider is money and family. If you have money (which we do now but did not when we started) then you can have a nanny or daycare as I do now. If you have a great mother or mother in law then they can help and you can maintain your marraige with time alone.

If I could do it all over again I would space them out 2-2 1/2 years apart. If you have one now when your eight months pregnant you will be tired and frustrated with your 16 month old and not enjoy all that they are....or if you space them too far apart then they seem to be jealous or do not play together well later!

Hope that helps!!!

Good Luck!

Hi H.,

I am a mother of 3 sons. The oldest is an adult (33), who has given me 2 grandchildren. My 2 younger sons are 16 and 12. My grandchildren are 3.5 years apart, currently 12 and 8, (the girl being the oldest).

My experience is that having the children 4 years apart has not been 'great'. As they get older they have less in common, providing privileges and/or 'passes' on questionable behavior (on either side of the age equation), gets more scrutiny and objection from the other child, and contrary to what some might think, the older child doesn't just 'naturally' take on a caring 'bigger sibling' nurturing attitude. Did I mention taking them to 2 different schools all the time is a pain? :)

Personally, if I had to do it all over again, I would space the children about 2 years apart. Throughout the years I have heard over and over again that is the best timing.

Good luck! Being a Mom is the most important, rewarding AND frustrating thing you'll ever do! :) Definitely worth it! :)

i don't have kids yet but my sister and I are 17 months apart and have always been extremely close. I love it. We were close enough in age to play together but still in separate grades and had different friends. My brother was born 3 years later than my sister and so we're 4 years apart. We are also very close. From my personal experience growing up, I want my kids to be close in age. (I'm sure it was difficult at times for my mom) I couldn't imagine it any other way; I think we're spaced perfectly. We never really had the jealousy, or the sibling rivalry. We were young enough to just accept the new baby when it came or old enough to be excited. Think of how fun it would be for your kids to be best friends! I can't imagine my life without my sibs.

There really is no perfect age between kids, mainly because every child is different and every family is different. My kids are 10 YEARS apart, and although it wasn't my plan, it is perfect for us. My son is learning patience, responsibility, and tolerance, and my daughter has an amazing ally in her big brother, especially as their father and I are divorced and she has no full-time dad. They adore each other and will be very close for life.

There's a lot of wisdom both in having all of your kids in diapers at once, and also in spreading them out. There is wisdom in not having them too close because they will be competitive with one another. The bottom line is that depending on their personalities (which of course, you cannot predict), being closer or farther apart age-wise would be better.

In short, there is no perfect time to have a second (or third...) child. The perfect time is when you are ready for whatever comes! :)

I have 3 boys. ages 15, 7 and 6. The fifteen year old was pretty much raised alone and although he got more attention back then he missed out on playing with a brother or sister. The two younger ones are like peas in a pod, they fight, they play and they can't stand to be apart.

Hi, I'm new to the message board.. I have 3 kids ages 17(son), 6(girl), 2.5(girl). I didn't want any kids after my son because birth scared the daylights out of me. I was 22.. I then had my 6 yr. old 10.5 years later and I was completely lost about handling a new baby.. It was great for me and my husband but not for my 10.5 year old.. He thought everyone would forget about him. I reassured him not to feel this way. I had C-section delivery so I made arrangement with my doctor, if my son could be the first family member to hold her when she arrived... This changed his whole perception _> cont'd

I only have one. But my sister and I are 4 years apart. My husband and his brother are 2 yrs. 8 mo. apart. My observation is that by 3 1/2 years old, the older child is ready for and often wants a sibling. There was no sibling rivalry between my sister and I. My opinion is that sometimes before 3 yrs old, kids are still possessive of their mothers and not ready to share with a new baby. I suppose if they are really close together in age, they don't know anything different and they will hopefully grow up being playmates.

In the end we're all great friends. I do regret not having more children for that reason.
Good luck and best wishes.
K.

My children are 4 years (almost to the month) apart. It has been really REALLY hard. I had to have an unexpected cesearean with my baby and I couldn't go upstairs at all for 3 weeks which started off the introduction to the new baby on the wrong foot. My oldest definately knows that he is not the center of attention anymore and that he needs to share it and share mommy and daddy. I wouldn't change anything in the world with my family, but I think adding a new baby at any age is hard. Once the baby is established things get considerably easier. My oldest has regressed a little and insists on being the "big baby" but it helped to get him a realistic doll (it looks so real people yell at me for putting it in the stroller or letting my son carry it around!) that he gets to take care of. I always point out the stuff he gets to do that baby can't do yet. He loves that, but he does put things in his mouth because his brother does (luckily he tells me the big baby has a (insert item here) in his mouth). So, do what works for your family. Either way, it'll be hard at first, but don't forget about the older little girl! Good luck!

My kisd are 18 months apart and at first I was scared about having 2 kids so close in age, but now I think it's better because my son seems to love him and he he's not old enough to get really jealous. It may just be the type of kid he is, but it's a lot of work but I love every minute of it. good luck

Our 2 boys are 4.5 years apart & I've decided there is no perfect age gap. I have friends whose kids are very close n age & say it's hard & I've know people in my same situation w/a bigger gap & say it's hard. If you're really enjoying bonding w/your daughter & unsure of being able to divide your time between 2 babies, then why introduce another baby into the mix? Like the old saying says, 'don't fix what's not broke.' Are you feeling pressured to have another one? It does seem to be a trend these days to have kids one on top of the other, which, to be honset, I wouldn't do. Since you're young, you still have plenty more time for baby-making. Hope this helps & good luck.

I don't think anyone could answer that for you. You have to do what seems right for you and your husband. I have a son and a daughter who are 15 and a 2 1/2 yr old little girl! For us, this is perfect! Trust yourself with your decision, and know that whatever happens will be the right thing! Good Luck and for now enjoy your beautiful little girl. Time goes by too quickly...

Hi H.

I can only speak from experience of being 3 years apart from my brother. It was perfect and I loved it. We played together and of course got in fights but when he was a senior in high school and I was a freshman we became the best of friends and have been ever since. It was a nice seperation because he was far enough ahead to be his own person but we were close enough that we got to share many experiences together. Now I am a mother of twin girls and he is expecting a daugter any day. So, we get to be first time parents together and watch our daughters grow up together.

HI H.,

I completely understand how you feel. Once my DD was 8 months I was yearning for another baby. I think it's b/c they are no longer babies @ this stage and you almost mourn for not having that baby anymore.

My 2 children are 20 months apart. They would have been even closer if I had not m/c. I am pregnant again with no. 3 and this time they will be just under 2 years apart.

I did notice that same feeling when my 2nd starting getting older. Infact the 2nd & 3rd would have only been 14 months apart if I had not m/c again.

I say if you are ready and you know you want a big family...GO FOR IT! I have so much fun watching my 1st two play and run around together. I could't image waiting 2 or 3 years before trying again. It is also a ton of work so be prepared! Good luck & congrats on your daughter!

My sons are exactly 2 years apart. It is VERY hard. My younger one is 5 1/5 months and I wished I had waited longer. At the beginning I wanted them to be closer together, but it didn't work out because of breastfeeding. I think long term this age difference will work out pretty well, but for now it's just too hard. They love each other and my older one loves to be with my younger. He has been a little jelous, but he takes it out on us, not the baby. He is hugging him and kissing him all day long. So I wouldn't wait longer just to avoid jealousy. but it is too hard and I'll wait at least 3 years before having my next one.

I have 2 boys that are about a week short of being 15 months apart. My oldest just turned 2 and my younger is almost 10 months. I have to say, it is pretty insane, but at the same time, it's all I know. I was preggers for basically 2 years straight! The nice thing was transitioning the baby in was piece of cake because my older was too young to really understand so we didn't have any jealousy issues. Now that the younger one is getting older, they are starting to play together and it is the coolest ever! I see how they are bonding and they literally act like twins. It is a lot of work in the beginning, but it is starting to get easier the older and more self-sufficient they become. They help each other out instead of relying so much on me. They are still major ankle biters, but if the baby crys, the older one will give him a binky or a toy-stuff like that. I think it's great. I'm young too and feel like I have the energy to do it. Besides, why drag this out! I just can't say enough though that it is a lot of work and requires a lot of team work with my husband. There are many days I just root for bed time, but the rest of the time, it's lots of fun!

My two cents.

I have a ten month old daughter and I just started trying to get pregnant with a second child this month. My husband and I want our children to be close together in age so that they can be close friends. I'm also anxious to get the pregnant/breastfeeding phase of my life over with. We know the first year or so is going to be incredibly difficult with 2 small children, but we're willing to sacrifice our sleep and sanity in order to have kids close together in age.

To tell you the truth, i wish my kids were a little further apart in age, my oldest was 9months old when i found out i was pregnant again, my kids are 16 1/2 months apart in age. I wanted my oldest to be at least 2 or 3 years old b4 having another, only thing is, it took me 4 yrs to get prego the 1st time, so i figured it would take just as long the 2nd time around, I was wrong. If you can try to wait till she is at least a year old b4 trying again. this way when you have the baby she will be old enough to help you out and will be easier for her to stay occupied while you diaper, feed, clothes and bathe the baby. hope this helps some

My three children were born about 3 1/3 yrs. apart and I felt that it was the perfect timing! Each child had plenty of Mommy time. By 3 1/2 yrs. each was ready for new toys, new friends, new activities and focusing outward, different from the new baby's needs. And, yes, they were, and are, all friends!

I only have one baby so far, she is 9 months old and I completely understand your baby yearning. I am feeling the same myself. I would probably start trying again if I could afford it. But I think I will hold off and try to space the kids around 3 years apart.

As for the perfect spacing, I really think it depends on the temperament of the kids. My sister and I are 3 years apart and friends, while my husband and his brother are 18 mos. apart and don't have much in common. Neither of us were great friends with our siblings while we were young though, that came with maturity and distance.

My sister has two girls that are 18 months apart and it looks like a lot of work! Two in diapers, two in highchairs, two in a stroller. But they get along really well too.

Good luck, after reading the posts, it seems that you have opinions on each side of the issue.

I wanted my children close together. I figured I'd start trying to get pregnant when my first was 9 months old and have kids about 18 months apart. Didn't work out that way. I practice ecological breastfeeding and my periods don't return for two years. There are 3 years, 2 months between my 1st and 2nd because I had a couple of miscarriages and it took about 8 months before I was pregnant with my first daughter. My girls are 2 years, 9 months apart because I got pregnant immediately after my first post partum period and didn't have any troubles with miscarriages. My younger daughter is currently approaching 17 months old. I figure I'll get my period sometime late July/early August, when she turns two, and we'll start trying for another one so I could have a baby as early at May 09 if I get pregnant right away & everything goes well or possibly not until Christmas 09 if things take longer.

I'm glad they are spaced farther apart now. My son was diagnosed with autism about the time his sister was born and I am thankful that the gap between them is twice as much as I originally anticipated. At one year post partum I get the "baby bug" where I want another baby and after my son was born it was so hard to wait another year before I could even think about it. With the girls, I knew/know what to expect so while I'd be thrilled if I were able to get pregnant now, I know I have to wait until the summertime and that's fine with me. My body just isn't ready for me to be having another baby yet.