How Does This Work Exactly?

This may be a silly analogy, but who needs more help: the guy who's drowning in the river, or the guy who wants to buy a boat? Maybe he thinks you don't need the help. A lot of people pay for their own weddings, I think 1k is pretty generous in the first place. Either way, try not to keep score. If it really upsets you, simply ask him. He would have more answers than we do.

Generally, it's a bad idea to "keep score" with money.

You don't need a wedding--you want a marriage. You can get that for under $100 if you want to get married tomorrow.

You know what happens the very next day after that big, extravagant, expensive wedding............... N O T H I N G, but the thought of allllllllll the stuff you could have done with that money. Just saying.......

If you want to get married, just get married. If you can't afford a big wedding, then don't have one. It's a couple of hours - it's the marriage that lasts. I don't see why it is a parent's obligation to pay for an adult to get married.

Families don't make sense. Usually the ones that are more screwed up get the most help, so take it as a compliment. And just because you don't have money to have a party doesn't mean you can't get married. That's what a justice of the peace is for. Getting married is not expensive, having a "wedding" can be. If you love your husband, marry him. Have a party when you can afford to.

Maybe he thinks for her safety he needs to help her. If you really want to get married you can afford it, if you plan it to the budget to what you CAN afford.

I always tell my brides. "If you cannot afford your wedding, you cannot afford to be married or your wedding is too large and expensive."

There is no rule a parent has to pay for anything once you are out of their homes and you are an adult.

Ask him if you want to know his reasoning.

Your father wants to get your sister out of a bad marriage and that costs money if you want a reasonable settlement. 10-12K is a lot for a wedding. Not compared to what you see on Four Weddings but let's face it - that might be a down payment on a house in some areas. We financed our wedding ourselves along with a small amount of money from my parents. Total cost of the wedding was $5000 (15 years ago). I spent $300 on my dress (a friend made it for me) and we had 50 people with a simple ceremony and a nice meal. Was it my dream wedding - no - but 15 years later do I care? Not at all.

You have been with your boyfriend/fiance for eight years, have a child and are a SAHM.....you should probably be financing your own wedding.

My DH & I 'do' weddings, he has presided over ceremonies with just the 2ppl, weddings with 400ppl, black tie affairs, barefoot affairs, theme weddings, traditional weddings, they ALL have been meaningful, beautiful ceremonies, in each instance the bride was gorgeous, the groom was beaming & when it was over they happily started their new lives together...

My DH & I had a ceremony in front of a justice of the peace in the courthouse with 2 employees of the county as witnesses, we have been married 24yrs in March...we renewed our vows @ 15yrs with a big blowout, I wore a gown & veil & carried a huge bouquet, we had champagne & a seafood buffet, we had family come from all over, it was WONDERFUL...

In both instances we did what we could afford @ the time, no one helped us, in fact for our renewal we bought my mom's plane ticket (which was the most expensive item)...

What I am saying is simply this, rely on yourself & your fiancee to pay for what you can afford & be happy & blessed that you have found your DH whom you choose to spend the rest of your life with! The $1,000 that your DF is kicking in is a bonus, a 'thank you' is all you should talk to him about other than how you want him to walk you down the aisle.

Be Happy! Be Blessed! Be Married!

dunno. ask him. It may make sense to him.

So you feel "entitled" to his money?

Who cares what his reason is? I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt, but I have to agree on the score-keeping comments. Your question says more about you than it does your dad.

I would just go elope and enjoy starting a new chapter in your life and not wait on daddy to make it or break it. I know how it is to want a wedding to be one way or the other but it is often one of those things that will always be looked back on and said to have been such a big deal that worked out for the better.

Tell daddy you have decided to elope since you can't afford the wedding you want and see if he makes an adjustment to his offer.

Sounds like your father has been married a time or two...you know better then we do why he's willing to put out 40K for the other two sisters. Could it be that he feels you and your guy are more stable then your sisters?

I'm curious to know the ages of you and your sisters and what you all do for a living.

Also, if you are in love and in a solid relationship, you don't have to WAIT and you can save for a nice reception at a later date.

Blessings....

Well, on a similar note, my father paid for both my step-sisters wedding. I know the food alone was $10,000 and one of my stepsister's dresses was $5000. I don't know the total costs but both these weddings were very expensive. I'm guessing $20K to $30K each. He also helped put them both through college. Did he pay anything for my college education - no. Did he pay for a wedding for me - no. My husband and I put on our own little homey wedding at our house and at the last minute my dad and stepmom said they could not come bc a $200 plane ticket was too much. Sorry, I just had to vent to you. Have you tried asking your dad? Did he pay for your sister's wedding?

Go ahead and get married.its important than party. you should go for simple marriage.the one u love its more important than anything...

You asked 'how does this work exactly?'

GUILT. Parents feel dreadfully guilty. That is why my mother has paid my sister's rent for years, that is why my mother has helped my brother in a pinch LOTS. They feel like they were bad parents and sadly, the kids (and we are talking grownups here-are middle aged people themselves.) And do I need to go on about the rest of my family?
I have other brothers and sisters who wouldn't dare ask for anything. I wouldn't ask, yet they keep asking and asking and get it. And so I maintain my stance. It evolves out of guilt. But the truth is no parent can quite buy off their guilty conscience. One day they have to show some tough love.
Unless of course your sister is blackmailing your father.

ask your sister what her *secret* is

Homemade budget is 10k? I think mine total was $6k. My inlaws was $2k, and another was $1k. It is doable.

Which is more important? The marriage or the celebration? My vote is to go ahead and use the money to get married now. If you plan it right - use a restaurant where all of the tables, chairs, etc. are provided, around a holiday where places are already decorated, etc. you can have nice and still not spend alot.

I have parents too who always favor the kids in trouble and bail them out. It makes absolutely no sense to those of us who make wise choices and try to live responsible lives. As if it pays to be stupid in our family.

So one day, when my dad and I were talking, I asked him straight up, "Why do you pick up my sister's tab all the time, and not mine? What am I? Chopped liver to you?" He laughed. We both laughed, but honestly....what's up with the extreme financial unfairness? He got it. Right then. It had to be pointed out to him.

My sister's secret is that she sweetly and coyly asks him at the checkout, "Dad, do you mind helping a little?" I would never dare to ask my visiting father to pick up the grocery bill. That's just too low for me.

I have in the course of my life actually met a few families where the parents were extremely conscious of splitting their finances equally between the siblings. If they gave $$ to one, they would always gift $$ to the others. So if they could not afford to give to all the same amount, they did not give. That's impressive money management.

Your sister has got some kind of secret pull of your dad...and if you thought about it long and hard, you'd probably start to see a pattern.

Sorry you feel like whale sh*t with your pops. Be happy in knowing that you are marrying a fabulous man and will have a blissfully happy life. And just try once, to speak up for yourself. It won't hurt to ask. But you have to respect the answer.

Have you tried politely calling him on it? I would . I am so sorry you are going through this .It really isn't about the money is it ? Hang in there. Best of luck to you and your fiance=)

Only he will know. Perhaps he thinks you have been getting more throughout the year instead of your sister, like dinners and fixing cars and such? My brother lives close to my mom and he gets free meals when they eat out or when she fixes dinner at their house, and he took over their car for free and even got their never used dishwasher when his broke. Did anything like that happen for you and not your sister? Or is it because you are acting like you expect lots of money and that you are acting entitled which does not make the giver very appreciated. Unless he is just mean and is playing favorites.

I'm sorry. I know you are hurt. I bet it's not really about the money, but about the feeling that your step sister has received so much more. This is not uncommon and I never have really understood why parents do this. But there must be a reason, because it keeps happening.

I wish you a wonderful marriage. I wish that in time you understand that whatever amount of money you receive is not, is NOT, a reflection of your Dad's love for you. I hope you do not hold this against your sister. In the end, it is you, your beloved, and your family members who that will matter to you most. The money, the unfair treatments, the feelings of "Why me?" tend to fade in importance over the years. I wish you love and contentment.

I don't blame you for being mad!! He paid $20k for your step sister's wedding and money isn't an issue for him but he'll only give you $1k? Of course grown children shouldn't "expect" their parents to pay for an expensive wedding etc but you have reasons to want to be treated the same as your siblings... It's all relative. If your parents were poor and you were expecting $20k etc, that'd be absurd. Or if it was just a matter of principle that your father didn't pay for anything for his grown children, that'd be his right. But in this case, it does seem affordable for him and so unequal. I would just ask him. I'd ask nicely but see if you've offended him somehow.

Dear K.,

I always try to remember something our priest said to us when we were getting married -- marriage is a lifetime, a wedding is a day. Yes, you want it to be beautiful and special. But, you also want to be able to live your lives. Try to let go of these feelings for your father. Some day, you won't have him anymore. It would be better to just make the best of what you've got right now. Don't put the wedding off. Do what you can with what you have. If your father sees what you are doing, maybe he will offer to help, maybe not. I'm sorry that he is making you feel this way and I hope that some day he realizes what happens when you treat children differently. Try to enjoy this time with your fiance and focus on your new life together instead. Good luck!

I agree that it's not good to keep score when it comes to money. Especially when it's someone ELSE'S money.
I know you can't help feeling slighted when he spent a large amount on someone else's wedding, but helping someone out of a bad marriage shouldn't be compared to paying for someone else's good marriage.

What people do with their weddings is of course, their own business, but I sometimes think it's crazy to spend so much on one day. And, nowadays, most people pay for their own weddings.
My friend at work was very thrifty about her wedding. She and her husband paid for it themselves. They spent tons of money, don't get me wrong, but they wanted to spend the bulk of the money travelling on their honeymoon. That was the most important thing to them. They could have spent thousands of dollars putting on a show for other people, or thousands of dollars on themselves.

No offense and I could be off base, but is it possible you had an air of expectation regarding at least a 20k wedding and that's why your dad has decided to give you only a thousand dollars?
I'm related to very wealthy people. I know a lot of wealthy people. They usually are willing to do more for people who don't ask or expect anything from them just because they have money.

To me, the marriage should be more important than the wedding or a fancy venue. Believe me, you can have a really beautiful wedding for less than 20k.

You deserve the wedding you want so work and save and find ways to have the things you want. Know that nothing and no one is stopping you from getting married and having a happy life with your husband.

I wish you the very best.

Does your sister throw a big tantrum or fit and scream to get what she wants? If so, you may want to start that a bit to get your dad's attention. I am sorry that he is playing favoritism. Good luck!

M

There is a saying beggar's can't be choosers. Be happy your dad is actually giving you money for your wedding. My MIL gave ZERO when my husband and I got married. Also, My husband and I paid for our wedding along with my parents. Your dad is helping everyone who he can. Don't question his love by how much money he gives you. Maybe your sister needed the extra help.

it works by you taking care of and paying for your own stuff. i do understand there's some aggravation at the imbalance, but ultimately it's his money. and it sounds to me as if your sister needs help, while you want money to play with.
10K for a wedding is not a 'homemade budget', that's a big wedding. if you want one that's absolutely fine, but why should he pay for it?
my parents kicked in a couple hundred for my tiny wedding, and have helped two of my brothers out with messy divorces. i'm glad they were able to help my brothers out when they needed it, and glad that my husband and i take care of ourselves.
khairete
S.