How Do Your Agrue with Your Husband/partner?

Updated on October 07, 2010
B.K. asks from Albany, CA
17 answers

Hi Mamas
How are you in an argument?
My husband and I are so different in this.I express my annoyance with emotion,raised voise etc while he stays very relaxed and rational which can drive me crazy at times,especially when he is so clearly in the wrong.
This leaves me feeling like a complete irrational,emotional woman lol
At work I am the Manager and stay calm and rational in a conflict but at home I let go and express my true emotions.
Any thoughts?

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answers from Boston on

I do not yell or scream. I can get emotional. But I get to the point right away if something bothers me. I do not ever fester over something. If he completely pisses me off he knows I am mad by my tone. We do not really argue to much. I like things over with and done, make up and get it done with.

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answers from Nashville on

Usually we both get loud and i wish i could just be the loud one lol. But sometimes im the quit one and it makes him so much more mad. But most times we both yell LOUD!!

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answers from Raleigh on

It's funny you ask that! My hubby and I are the opposite. He gets really loud very quickly, where as I stay calm and rational. It drives him NUTS that I don't yell back (and he actually says it makes me seem like I am in the right because I am so calm). Part of me does it because I don't like to raise my voice if I don't have to, but now, the evil part of me does it because I know it bothers him. I figure everyone fights differently, and as long as you make up by the end of the day, that's all that matters!

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answers from Las Vegas on

All I can say is, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex [Book] by John Gray! It really only takes a bit of briefing through it to get the idea. However, if you have the time to read, read the whole book.

As well, people in general handles situations differently and obviously the relationship makes a difference too. You have emotional attachment to your husband, so your emotions are different than at work.

Last Sunday, our minister was talking about emotions and tempers. Gasoline - no explanation necessary, torch - searing comments, and coal - simmering and will burn, but you would never know. My husband and I determined he is the 5 gallon can of gas and I am coal & a torch.

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answers from New York on

i have learned: raising my voice...he wins.
what works with me is i give him the silent treatment. first he acts cool like he doesn't care, then he gets annoyed because i am really not talking to him, then he comes apologizes for something he doesn't know what, then he asks to start all over. then i am calm, express my opinion, and win the argument.

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answers from San Francisco on

B., since we had 40 years together before his death. I want you to know what we did-- and often I knew him so well I could do both sides of the argument and he'd still come out the winner and he'd comehome from work and I 'd throw something at him and he'd smile and say-- I won again did I!
Our family and friends said that D. was just like Spock- from Star Trek-- logical , practical, always one to try to find a solution -- meanwhile I was his Captain Kirk bouncing off the wall and doing the crazy thing. Since we knew that we had to stay to topic for the sake of not going nuts- we would each explain what we felt- now guys don't think in terms of emotion its lets fix this and let it go. Whe we did not agree and were at a impass-- we said 3 diferent things: 1. We can just agree to disagree 2. Heavenly Father doesn't give you permission to talk/treat me this way and nor do I.3. I am just going to yell awhile, vent and I don't want you to fix a thing just listen-- so he'd tune me out for most of it and filter out what the real problem was and then we'd talk about that. I learned that he could not fix work related problems and really could not care about the dynamics of a employee problem so he's say don't get so emotionally tied to the person taht they could control you from your thoughts and when they weren't even around.
I have to be honest it was generally me in the deep water and he'd ride to the rescue and although I could run a home with 5 children, and work I hated it when he was right so often becasue of the logic and practical side. I actually tried the silent treatment but learned that that was a game and I refused to play-- the passive agressive thing just doesn't work for me. But like I said we really knew one another well enough to know what the other thought and stood for-- makes it tough to have a fight sometimes but I sure enjoyed throwing bags of noodles or a pillow at him as he came in the door. So Great Luck and I hope you can teach others what you learn so that you can single handed prevent a couple giving up on the relationship.

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answers from Sacramento on

I am in the same boat as you are. I end up very emotional and then feel like a complete idiot in the end but can't seem to stop myself sometimes. I have no idea how to change this but I feel is you are a calm and rational person at work in a conflict then you have to have some outlet for your emotions our you would explode and that would be messy for someone to clean up. (smile).

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answers from Detroit on

My hubby and I both have very different styles of disagreement. I get very sarcastic and yell and made snide remarks. And he yells and then goes completely silent. The more I get sarcastic, the more he yells (and gets quiet)....The more he yells (and gets quiet), the more sarcastic I become. Its absolutly lose/lose for all involved. We've yet to figure out a better way which is probably why our arguements (aka temper tantrums) generally last all day and well into the evening. Our longest shouting match was literally 6 hours of passive/agressive nonsense. We always realize in hind sight how stupid and pointless it was, but it doesn't help if its afterwards.

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answers from Denver on

First of all it is impossible to gauge how you deal with conflict at work and how you deal with it at home. They are two totally different circumstances. You just will NEVER have the closeness or relationship like the one you have with your husband at work. They will NEVER see your insides like your husband will. That is part of why you married him, that comfort level. As far as how you fight, it is very typical to have two totally different fighting styles. If you were the same on everything you probably wouldn't have gotten in the argument in the first place - Right?

Now I am sure that doesn't make you feel any better, arguing with a calm fighter is SO frustrating!!! The biggest thing you can do is figure out your calming mechanism. Mine is to step away to cool down for a bit. I can fly off the handle but HATE it when I do because my husband is much more cool headed when we argue. It usually works but then irritates him because I have to walk away for a few. Frankly, to keep the conversion to a dull roar, I cannot worry about irritating him (in fact, I kind of like it because I am so worked up). In short, try taking a minute or ten before you continue an argument. It might help keep you on the level you want to stay. You won't be able to get your husband to react differently so you may as well work on you.

Good luck!

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answers from Honolulu on

You are not unusual... I think most women are this way.
Me included... when I am real irked... and obviously not in the wrong.... not reacting that way... takes all of my patience....
It takes practice...

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

My husband yells, intimidates (or rather tries to), throws things, and breaks things. He's like a great big overgrown toddler. I only yell if I'm about to arm lock him and throw him out of the house, or if he has decided that being a big angry bully is an appropriate way to deal with our son. Ditto, it also usually heralds that he is about to be removed bodily from our home.

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answers from Dallas on

our arguments end up exactly like you describe yours, I think I feed his apathy with my over emotional reactions. It irks me to no end when he is just standing there, rational, cool, calm and collected when I'm so upset about something.
My family is very overly dramatic so I'm use to the drama and tears and confrontation. I have actually learned a lot from my husband about how to end a conflict succesfully lol, even though he irritates me, he just wants to end the argument with as little damage as possible.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

Generally DH gets the silent treatment. I have issues dealing with emotions, so I don't like to address it until my emotions are under control. If I'm wrong, 95% of the time, I'll realize it, apologize and be over it within a few hours. If I'm still angry more than 8 hours later, DH takes the "wrong" stance and will apologize and try to fix it. I'm also pretty self aware and will warn DH if I'm angry/stressed/etc. about something else and may be in danger of taking it out on him - so just ignore anything out of my mouth for the next few hours....that helps avoid a lot of unnecessary arguments. If DH is in a "mood" I will inform him of such and tell him to either get out of it or take it somewhere else - which will generally snap him out.

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answers from Chicago on

Wow, communication is key for my relationship. We are not married but been together nearly 6 years living together nearly the entire time and the one thing we have found aside from having seperate lives and our life is communication. We do not yell at eachother, often. Raised voices are pretty much a no no in our book for our lives, it's great for others so i am told but the few times we have yelled things that had no relevance or real need to be said get said. We talk to each other I speak, he speaks, I speak, he speaks or the other way around. And for me the best thing to do before a heated conversation aka fight i call my "safe" people and vent first so all the anger is gone and all I am left to talk to him about is the rational stuff. you know how many heated conversations have been avoided by doing that? it really is impressive how well two people can work together when they talk because the two screaming matches got us NO WHERE but even more mad. we all work differently isnt it wonderful???

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answers from San Francisco on

Hi, B.,

My answer would be very long and involved, but I know someone who can make it easier for you as an individual, and has advice for partners together as well. Her name is Liat Zohar. She is a "Life Coach" and can help you deal with all relationship problems, personal and work-related. Check out Ode2Life at She has a very non-threatening manner , and new ways of looking at things. Good Luck ! D.



answers from Chicago on

How I am depends on whether I am right or wrong :)
If I did something wrong and my H is mad about it - I would appologise, and try to make it right or promice that I will or justa say that it was a lesson learned and just internaly ignore all his shouts and screams (I know he needs to went, but I do not have to take it to the heart, right?). If H becomes obsene I just leave the room and tell him I will be back when he calmes down. Sometimes feeding a mad hubby helps as well as a beer!!!! He becomes very rational much quicker when his belly is full!

If I am the right one - I try very calmly to get my point across. I can raise my voice once a while - but only if it is very important.



answers from Redding on

i think you should be grateful that your husband stays calm and start to practice controlling your emotions at home. then you can let the points of your argument be the focus instead of your display of emotion.

personally, i do both of course. but the goal is always to discuss things before i am pissed off, to be clear in my presentation, and o maintain dignity thorughout the discourse

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