How Do You Teach Kids to Stay in a "Time Out"?

Time out is difficult for some kids. What I had learned with my son, who had a serious time dealing with time outs, was to stay calm, stay quiet, and just be consistent. When he gets out of the time out, I don't say anything, but rather just either pick him up or lead him back to the time out spot. Don't start his time out until he stays in the time out spot you've placed him in. This may take SEVERAL attempts, but in the end, they get the idea and realize that the only way through this...is to sit in time out and do the time. :D

Hi Annissa;

I, too, am a parent of twins. First things first, know you're doing a great job and that it will get better. Those toddler years can be quite difficult. And super fun with all their wonder.

I'm going to give you two things. These are just what has worked for me. You know with kids nothing is a one-size fits all so take what you can , give it a shot, but stick with whatever you pick, my advice or someone else's, for at least a week before swithcing gears. It takes consistent consequences every time an undesirable action occurs for a child to realize that "Oh, she really does mean business."

I say that because I used to ask for advice, give it a shot for a day or two and then give up because my kid(s) was/were fighting whatever I tried. Then I learned to maintain consistency and things got progressively better.

First, when you do a time out try to take note of how you present it. I know that sounds corny, but I learned this one day and it was a real eye-opener. My kids would not sit for time-outs either. One day, when I was at my wits end I marched the little offender (okay struggled carrying while the other twin grabbed onto my leg, yelling "no out, momma, no out") to his room. Sat him down and said very firmly "You are in time-out." I then turned and picked up the one holding my leg and marched downstairs without even a glance back. He came just outside of his room and sat at the top of the stairs (I peeked on him after a minute or two). LESSON LEARNED: Before when I did time outs I was almost pleading in my voice for the him to stay put, I would say for him to stay put and then pause because I knew he wouldn't stay put. He was reading me like a dog reads people, he could sense my anxiety through my voice, my words, and my actions. So he did what I expected and made an attempt to leave his room. The day that I just put him in there and walked out without hesitation, he stayed (albeit at the top of the stairs). The top of the stairs wasn't where I really wanted him, but it worked. The boys were not quite three, when I learned this little "Ah-Ha."

Second, sometimes they have more energy than we realize. My fifteen year-old son (yes, I have all boys) has always had too much energy. When he was 8 we had him in football, 5 days a week, 2 hours a night, and he was the only kid who was jumping all over after practice. His father and I looked like Zombies between the twins at the age of 2 and him and his energy, I'm surprised we made it through those years. Anyway, with the 15 year old we started making him run laps around the house, when he would not listen. We started that when he was four. We started at five laps, but with him we quickly bumped it up to at least ten laps. That seemed to be when he would show a little bit of slowing down. It was enough that he expelled energy and came in with a better attitude. I started making the twins run laps around 3 1/2. we started with three. After about two laps they would start playing. Now the twins are 8 and when they get too keyed up, out they go for laps. They don't have the stamina that their older brother has, so if they end up with ten laps they are usually walking by the 6th lap and they come in beat and ready to behave.

Another good one with twins is when they are constantly fighting with each other, I mess with their psyche (they are going to have some serious therapy bills). I separate them and tell them they are not allowed to talk or play with each other. You would think that I was taking away an arm or a leg. Within ten minutes they are begging to talk to each other. I will usually hold out for 30 minutes and then they are pretty happy when I finally give in and let them talk and play together again.

Alright, I will stop with the book. Hang in there, you have received some great tips from all that have responded and I'm sure you'll find one that works. You're an awesome mom!

D. J.

My daughter would NEVER stay in her time outs and I would be so frustrated after 30 or so minutes trying to get her to stay that it would escalate. She'd try everything from her tummy hurts, she's sorry or telling me she was scared (no skeptics out there reading - I was not doing anything to make her scared, it just worked one time before because I didn't want her to be scared so she got out of being in trouble). I'd be shouting, she'd be screaming crying and be in a full blown tantrum. And to be honest -- I was probably in a screaming tantrum of my own. It was embarrassing.

Then I went away for the weekend with my girlfriends and asked them what they do (all our kids are within months of each other, but we don't live near each other). One didn't have the issue, one was having a similar problem and one was our guru (she also happened to be an elementary school teacher). Anyway, it really is just like Super Nanny says. My friend had to go through one long marathon of battle of wills.

I came home and did the same thing and my life is much better. I'm no longer humiliating myself! :) Get on with it you say - well, I just wanted you to know that you're pretty normal except that you get to have two of them at the same time feeding off each other.

So, what did she tell me to do? I moved the naughty step out of the room. It was in the family room and my kid would constantly try to interact with me or reach for her toys - which I'd get upset about and then she'd get confused as to what she was in trouble for. So, I moved it to the bottom step of the stairs. It's out of the family room but I can peak around the corner and watch her. Second, when she gets up, I walk over and put her back. I DO NOT interact with her. I will say that if she says sorry, I tell her thank you but she will still have to pay the consequences for breaking the rules. If she says she's scared, I reiterate that Mommy and Daddy love her and she has no reason to be scared, but that she must pay the consequences for breaking the rules. And then I don't comment anymore, even if she keeps up with it. Once she stays put, I turn the timer on to 2-3 minutes. When the timer goes off, I go over and make sure she understands why she got in trouble and give her a hug and kiss.

It's only been three weeks since I came back. It took one really long session of getting her to sit and boy it was a struggle for me to be quiet. As you can see, I'm a bit of a chatter. So, she comes by it naturally! I think I was able to remain calm this time because I knew that it was normal and I had planned for a long battle of wills this time around for a positive long-term outcome. It now takes a couple times of putting her back and she stays, waiting for the timer buzzer to ring. Yes, the tantrums are still there. I mean, she IS three. She really wasn’t the one that needed to change – it was me and my husband that needed to do the changing.

I know it sounds stupid, but this has kind of improved my marriage as well. We are both on same page now as to how to behave and we don't snap at each other, turning something little a three year old did into a full blown fight about how to act with her.

For some, this stuff is/was a given. It just wasn't for us.

I might be in the minority posting here, but the trouble I have consistently had with Time Out is just this: getting a child to sit through it without more drama. As a preschool teacher, it took me (too many!) years to realize that this One-Size Fits All method of punishment wasn't working for me effectively with the children that needed it most.

The first challenge is that the Time Out punishment is virtually unrelated to the action we are trying to curb in the first place. "You hit someone so now go sit" works okay with more docile children, but children who are really needing to cool off and understand/work through their feelings constructively get very sidetracked by Time Out. It does nothing to promote the parent taking a moment to check in with the child and do a little detective work: what's going on with the child that they are doing something that is destructive, hurtful or otherwise unproductive? Acting out behaviors don't exist in a vacuum and there are nearly always underlying reasons, often reasons of which the child is unaware.

What has worked very well for me is drop the idea that each negative action has to be handled in the exact same way. We talk a lot about consistency as parents, but our children sometimes respond (I say sometimes, each child is different) to direction more tailored to the situation.

In cases where a child is resistant to following a simple direction; I may need to reflect and see if they are resisting because they are really in fact wanting my help and companionship or if there's something else going on. A child who is digging their heels in and not going to budge may be asked to sit in an out-of-the-way place until *they* are ready to do as they are asked. This may take the child one minute or ten minutes: the difference is that they make the choice on when they are ready to comply. When they return and follow through on the task, I let it go without further conversation other than a simple "thank you". If they return and are not ready to follow through, I bring them back to their seat and say something equally simple :"I see that you aren't ready to do XYZ, and so I need you to sit down until you are ready." And then, yes, I return them again and again always with the invitation to return when they are ready.

Giving children control over being able to fix a problem in their own time has been wonderful. What I've seen is that some children needed to sit by themselves for half a second before complying, while others take longer. Sometimes, much longer. What I realize in those other instances is that the child felt that they needed a break from the goings-on of the day and while this wasn't the best way for them to go about it, now that they have been given a safe space to do so, they've got a chance to relax and get their bearings. If allowed to return on their own in their own time, most children are happier coming back.

I suspect that this is because children lack the self-awareness to identify that they need to take a break from the action and usually find ways of expressing their sense of stress and agitation by acting out. So,for many kids, a 2 or 3 minute time out really isn't enough time for them to get it together and come back successfully. Also, because Time Out is often a punishment that is meted out before any problem-solving has occured (go sit, and then we'll talk). For some children, they are further angered because not only is their problem not solved, they are being punished for an action that may have stemmed from other circumstances.

In other cases, and especially with older kids, simply stating what you see and asking them to head to their rooms until they are ready to be safe or follow directions really helps. Yes, they will likely play in their room, but this isn't a reward: the child generally wants to feel included but may also need a break. I've used this well esp. after school with older kids, when they may need a break from the all the adult direction they've received previously. With the older kids,if they haven't emerged in a half-hour, I go and just check in: ask when they plan on doing their homework or other necessary tasks, or we can make a plan so that they are able to solve any problems that they were dealing with before they went to their room.

In my experience, allowing children to figure out how much time they need alone has been empowering for both the children and myself. Instead of trying to make a punishment work the same way for each kid, I give them a concrete message that I want to help them be able to be in the group, but it's up to them as to when they want to do it. Kids need breaks far more often than we realize; we adults rarely take good-enough care of ourselves to make ourselves take breaks when we need to, so some days we can be even less clued in as to what our kids need, and the intensity of asking them to figure it out ("Do you need a break?" which can sound like more of a threat than an invitation)--this intensity may be more than an upset child can manage.

So, long suggestion short, see if you can modify your child's time away from the action and try it for a while. It takes kids a little time to learn new skills and this is a big one. Self-regulation is hard, hard work for children, most especially when they are frustrated with a person or a thing. (Maybe the toy wasn't working correctly, and that's the reason they threw it--that sort of thinking.) You can still have clear limits while helping the children learn how to manage themselves bit by bit. I also noticed that when I started using this technique, my relationships with the children improved because we weren't butting heads on a regular basis. It helped the children grow a little, too, I think.

A.-

Today I'm a parent coach, but I use to be a Nanny. I often used time-outs for the children in my care, but after a while,I changed how I handle time-outs. I reexamined what I wanted out of the time-out, which was to teach a lesson. When I focued only on keeping the children in their room, the lesson was lost. Here is what I do now:

I say, "I see you're up-set/ angry and you need a minute to yourself." I ask them to leave the room, if they don't leave I do. I do not set a timer, but allow the child to come back to me or I go to them when they are calm. Then I say, "I see you're calm now, can we talk?" Lastly, we talk about the problem and solutions for next time.

The reason I use this method is to teach the children to learn their anger/frusteration cues. While at 2 it may seem too early, it really does work. I would also use the same when I was up-set. "I'm feeeling overwhelmed. I need a time-out for a minute". This teaches the children everyone gets up set and the appropriate way of dealing with it.

I believe in teaching skills to children early which will help them in the future. When I used this method, I would have 3 year olds tell me they need a minute and walk away instead of throwing a tantrum. IT'S GREAT!!!

Good Luck! If you want more information about my "Time Outs To Teach" feel free to e-mail me.

R. Magby

Hi Annisa,
I have twins too! And I used the book, Love and Logic for the Magic years 0-6. I like their approach, it's not too dissimilar from the Nanny's. What I really like is the words that they give you, it calms you down and it orients the children to expect that this is "one of those moments". They use the phrase, "uh oh, little bit of room time coming up" and other great words that help you stay calm and in charge. I know it's hard and frustrating, but when it clicks in, it's so rewarding. Good Luck.

A little about me: Married with fraternal twin boys who are six and a half. Work p/t.

I started teaching time outs with a spare car seat in the house. For time outs, I buckled the child into the car seat while it sat in our normal time out spot. After a while, I was able to remove the seat, but the child understood that I still expected them to sit.

A.,

I don't know how long you're doing the time out's for, but it should be one minute per year of age.

That being said, it has taken us an hour to do a six minute time out before. My best advice is to be consistent and continue to enforce the time out for however long it takes for your little one to do his three minutes.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Yes, A. - you MORE than have your hands full-- and yet-- I'm so delighted for you. How to teach that he has to stay??-- the GOOD news is - it is possible - the bad news? - the first day you'll be pooped. Get a timer - as big as possible - so that you can set it for 2,3,4, or 5 minutes. ( and really--right now- I'd go for 2 minutes--- young children really need BRIEF time outs -- when the baby begins to act out -- a one minute time is perfect til he's nearly 2. One minute per year of life. Then--- make a big deal of showing the little girl the timer the next time she is on a time-out ( since she ususally minds) -- make a huge deal of saying '''' as soon as the timer goes off - you can give me a hug- say you're sorry- and be done '''' --- Do this really dramatically ( you want brother to be watching if possible) And when the timer goes off-- be really dramatic about saying to her --'''' time out is done - great job -- go play'' Then - the next time HE needs one - do the same thing--- you also need to tell both children--'''if you leave the sitting place I have to start the timer ALL over - that would be AWFUL''' -- and do it.
By the end of the day- you'll need a great big piece of cake- but the messsage will likely be sinking in- and the next day should polish it off--not that he'll never leave time out again- but he'll know --''oh crum- she'll start that timeer all over''. My (then) 4 and a half year old grandson ( who is as much son as grandson) spent several drawn out time outs one Saturday ---and I finally said ''' Well--Brian- I'd hate to have you in your sitting place ALL day- but I COULD -- -- he looked at me in horror and said '''you wouldn't!!!""" -- I replied''' honey- you have to mind-- I don't have to let you be naughty!'' Mind or sit --you choose.
It was a LONG time before he needed such stern-ness again.

Blessings dear heart-- J. - aka- Old Mom

I have the same problem. My four year old becomes violent when put in a time out.. goes absolutely out of control. We've finally started putting her in her room and holding the door shut until the timer goes off. We make no response to her yelling.. no matter what. (Once she accidentally hit her head on the wall while trying to force the door open.. my husband went in to comfort her and for a week, she'd purposely bang her head against the door trying to get us to come in.)

Two other things made this work (cause I'd tried before and failed). First, my husband actually got involved. Before it was just me administering the time outs. Once he did it a few times, its like she accepted that this was how things work.. hit sister = time out, throw toys at sister = time out.. etc.. and not just a power struggle against mommy.

The other thing that made this work was from a book "What your explosive child is trying to tell you". He said that some kids need to not have warnings for certain behaviors (obviously they need know before they do it that its wrong) but you don't stand there and say "don't hit your sister anymore or you'll get a time out" and warn them. You simply see them hit the sister and then march them to their room and set the timer. Kind of like Pavlov's dogs... they get the point. It was what my daughter needed.

She's finally getting the point of time outs.

Good Luck.

I have babysat 3 little kids from the day they were each just a couple months old. They are now 4, 4 and 2. I use a timer when they are in a time out. I set it to the appropriate minute for the child in time out and tell them "when the timer beeps, you can move out of your time out." and it works really well. At first, you might have to actually sit by the child and remind them they can't get up until the timer buzzes. I have had to do this and after just a few times they usually 'get it' and stay put until after time out. I hope this helps.

I would put our highchair in the hall and strap my son into it. It really helped if he was not staying in time-out. Mostly he just learned to stay through repetition, consistency and firmness. Good luck, that's a tough age.

I didn't read any of the other responses but in my opinion the best way is the "Super Nannys" way. Watch the show and do it exactly like she does it. It is on friday nights and it is a great show to give you good tips to deal with your own kids (or makes you real happy you have the kids you have LOL :) You just have to keep putting him back until he does his time. The first time I would tell him that he has to stay there until the time it up (or whatever he understands) Then after the first time, just keep putting him back without saying anything or looking at him. The time starts over each time he gets up. Sometimes it will take forever! But, he'll eventually learn that it will be much better and much less time if he just sits there. If you don't use a timer, sometimes that works ok for some kids, gives them something to watch for or listen for.

There were a few times I spent over two hours putting my son back in time out and let me tell you it was exhauting for both of us. Now my son is 5 and he sits there just fine but sometimes he won't keep his mouth shut so even now sometimes he is in there for 30 minutes or more.

Hope that helps!

Ever watched Super Nanny? After watching a certain episode we moved our time out area to the "naughty step" - the 2nd/3rd step at the bottom of the staircase. It was a much more central location and there is NOTHING fun to do there. Just keep putting him back,.. At first you tell him eye to eye why you put him in time out and how long hes going to be there,.. if he gets up you tell him briefly & calmly that he needs to go back into time out, every time after that, say nothing and just pick him up/walk him back and set him down... The key is to not interact with him other than putting him back. Eventually he will learn that you mean business and stay put. Decide on a time your going to make him stay put 5-10-15 minutes - it's hard when they're little to keep them in one spot for a long time. It may take a while! But in the long run you will be glad you stuck with it! Good luck! I have a nearly 3 year old boy.. He likes to test us all the time.. When he sees that we mean business he goes from thinking he's playing some fun game, to realizing he really is introuble. His smile turns to a frown and he starts saying, "I wanna be a good boy! I wanna be a good boy now! I'm a good boy" ..I may be horrible for saying this but its so darn cute its hard not to smile when I hear that little voice! Anyways, when my son stays put I make him sit for the whole ABC's or counting to 10, but he needs to calm down and be quite for it, if he says anything or moves a muscle I start the whole song over. This does not usually take long at all and is plenty punishment at this age to adjust his attitude quite quickly ... I imagine as our son gets older we will have to adjust his time frame, but for now this works great for us. Boys are just BUSY BUSY BUSY!! Remember to always after time outs have her tell you she is sorry and hug...

Just remember do not interact with them or in gage in conversation other than putting him back and walking away. Be patient and remain calm. Your lack of interest in his "game" will eventually ware out his fun and he will learn to stay put,.. he may need you to continue to remind him, and he will probably need you to remind him more so then his sister, but they are different little people!

It looks like everyone has said this already, so I'll just add in that Supernanny's techniques are awesome. Give it a try! Good luck.