How Do You Know He Is Cheating?

Updated on June 26, 2008
M.J. asks from Saint Paul, MN
4 answers

I have a gut wrenching feeling my husband is cheating on do you know? What are the signs? Does anyone know?

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So What Happened?

Thanks to everyone for their replies. I have tried to talk to my husband about the situation and how I feel and what I am feeling and he gets very defensive and does not want to talk about it. He travels for his job and is gone alot and when he is home I can tell he is not emotionally into me or our daughter. I am seeking some help with a therapist now and hoping she can help me and my husband figure this all out. No, it is not a case of hormones as my daughter is 16 months old and I am already on medication for post partum depression.

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answers from Chicago on

wow...i hope you're wrong

what's the tone like? do you talk? are you friendly? are you still having sex on a regular basis? has he changed his behaviors, gotten a new hobby, is he suddenly spending lots of time at the gym, dressing nicer, taking lots of showers? are you aware of where your money is going?

those are all things to look at

best of luck, and pm me if you want to talk privately, or want a man's opinion on this stuff


ps-no, i've never cheated

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Why do you think that he's cheating? Has he changed behavior? Done things others have mentioned below? Implied he's seeing someone?

Reason I ask is that after our son was born, my hormones were so out of whack that when our son was somewhere between 16 and 20 weeks old, I was CONVINCED my husband was cheating on me with a friend of ours.

I confronted him about it and he said he never has, never wanted to and never would. He answered all of my questions but I still thought maybe he did something. I had no proof other than a gut feeling.

Well, it was purely hormonal and months later I finally saw that. There was nothing about his behavior or habits that had changed, it really was just all in my head. I've apologized to him and we've moved past it. He was never defensive - rather he was very concerned why I felt that way and if there was something HE wasn't providing to ME that I ended up going down that path.

He was sad that I would think that about him and our marriage. In the end, it's made me trust him even more, it's strengthened our marriage and I've never had a thought like that since.

In reality, he doesn't have the time to have an affair -- we work in the same building, we commute in to work together and on occasion, my son and I will go watch him play baseball or volleyball on the nights he plays. There simply isn't time in his day or life for another woman because if he isn't at work, or at his organized sports, he's home with us.

Bottom line, hormones are a funky thing that can really play with your mind and emotions - even though you're that much further from pregnancy.

Just a thought.



answers from Chicago on

Tiffany - I hate to say this but if you have a feeling like that, there is a reason and you have to follow up on it. Unless you're an extremely protective and jealous person by nature, your instincts are important to listen to. It may not be that he's cheating - he just may not be happy right now. Better than snooping around, I would highly recommend you sit down and talk with him - even if it's in couples therapy. Just tell him about the way you are feeling and ask him if he's unhappy, if he's really cheating, if he needs something from you..... Communication is the key. He might be going through tough issues at work or have issues with his side of the family but if you don't talk to each other, you'll never know. Best of luck! E.



answers from Chicago on

I don't know if any one can really tell you what to look for because every man is different and there would be different signs. You may want to look at the fact that he may be dealing with some depression issues or problems at work. A man dealing with depression can really be mess. Women are more will to open up were men keep it more bottled up.
Before hiring the detective or calling the TV show Cheaters, I would sit down and ask him.
My husband has never cheated that I know but when we first got married I remember he had a client that was gorgeous and being a contractor he would meet with her one on one. I became very concerned and addressed it, he told me if this is going to be an on going problem we are going to have some problems. He said I will need to meet with women who are single or wives left to handle the overseeing of the construction. You will have to realize that does not mean I am having an affair. I later became good friends with this gorgeous lady and realized life is too short to worry about these things. I went to my husband told him straight out. IF IN THE FUTURE YOU CHOOSE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR TELL ME BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO GET AN DISEASES. We both laughed but I said to him I mean it I would rather know than having you be snake and I end up dead and our son motherless.

I can say one sure sign is coming home late, leaving earlier to work and being defensive when asked about why his schedule has changed.
Is he now stopping after work with the "Guys"? If you are friends with any of the guys wives give a call just to chat with her and bring up the stopping after work, etc.
Does he not answer his cell phone when you try to ring him and when he does call back he seem to be every evasive?
Have you found lip stick on this collar or a scent that is not yours?
Has his advancements towards you diminished down to nothing. Or have you been avoiding him and he has just stopped chasing you?
Did you have little pet names for one another and he has stopped using this name towards you or does he give you the brush off when you use his pet name?
Has the credit cards bills went up (at restaurants, etc?)
Check the cell phone usage. I know At&T / Cingular gives a call by call detailed report on-line if you don't get it already in the mail.
Has he been dressing or talking different?


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