How Do You Keep Yourself from Feeling like a Bad Mom?

I've got 4 boys. I don't worry about perfection and everything being "Just right".

Your husband needs to stop being negative nelson. Tell him to stop and be a dad and not an observer. He thinks you both need to be better parents? Great! Let's sign up for parenting classes and go to the well child check ups together.

Chipped teeth, broken bones, sickness all happen. It's life. Just wait until your son steps on a nail or a piece of grass and there is blood everywhere. Stuff happens. He needs to understand that.

How do I cope? I make sure my kids have the necessities: Roof over their head, food in their bellies, clothes on their back and an education.

You're not missing any mark. Talk with your pediatrician and ensure your son is hitting all the milestones when he's supposed to. Don't push him to be perfect. Just let him know you love him unconditionally.

Since your husband seems to have a genuine interest in being a better parent - perhaps you both can sign up for some parenting classes together.
It will give you some confidence - and it should help to shut down some of the criticism your husband is throwing at you.
It's great he's concerned but if he's not part of the solution, then he's part of the problem.

And - in the interest of establishing some parental two way communications - don't be afraid to tell hubby to go take your son for some father son bonding time walking through Home Depot - while you take a relaxing bubble bath.
Part of being a good parent is taking care of yourself enough to be rested and healthy so you can look after your family.

My goal at the end of the day was to have a happy healthy kid.
Sometimes that meant having the living room fairly trashed and pillow forts with couch cushions all over the floor.
For a year or two - every weekend we packed up the car and left the house to go to something - anything - just get out of the house and do something fun.
We did every county fair (there were 3 within driving distance).
We did fire house open houses and firehouse pancake breakfasts.
We did church yard sales, pumpkin patches, hay rides, corn mazes, hike a trail next to a golf course and collect lost golf balls.
We did it all together - and didn't much care about getting the housework done - it was always here when we got back.

I think you are doing fine.
You just need the confidence to provide a little push back when someone is sending some un constructive criticism your way.

Husband, “We need to be better parents”

You, “How do you mean that?”

Husband, “He needs to brush his teeth correctly and learn to speak words”.

You, “Ok, honey. Since you already have ideas in mind, I’ll let you take over doing that.” Said very kindly and sincerely. And let him.
Dad is going to have to step up anyway with #2 coming, so help him start to make that transition now.

My experience is that parenting looks easy from the outside, and when a person has to step in and actually do it they quickly adjust their expectations.

If your child is fed, clean, dressed weather appropriately, and not tearing up your house you are doing a good job.

If CPS is at your door...probably not doing a good job.

A great gift you can give your child is allow them to figure out how to entertain themselves.

Another gift you can give him is to be the kind of mom that has confidence in her abilities. You sound like a great mom. Don’t doubt it because of a chipped tooth.

So you do all the heavy lifting and your hubby steps in to let you know you aren't doing a perfect job? Let him do more with your son's day in day out care. He can brush your son's teeth. He can take over baths and feeding dinner and clean up after dinner. The more he's involved the more he's going to see that perfect parenting doesn't exist. Some days end with everyone being alive and fed and you have to be ok with it.

Also you want him to take over care because once that new baby comes he's going to have to pit in big time. Better to let him get over the whole perfect parenting thing now and have your son feel comfortable with Daddy doing things.

Lastly I'll just tell you that doing more for somebody isn't a measure of how loved they are. You need to back off a little and let your son learn how to explore the world with you at a distance. He should be able to explore and check in with you as needed but sitting on the floor when it is hard for you just so he has constant access to you isn't good. You are trying to be the center of his world and making him the center of yours. Your job as a parent is to sit back and let him learn about things at his own pace not directing all activities. You are going to burn yourself out trying to be perfect.

First of all, you need to give yourself permission to be human.

Second, I'd like you to line up all the 18 month olds who brush their teeth regularly. It's going to be a short line!

Third, a lot of kids at that age don't speak much. Please take not of everything else he IS doing. Mine didn't talk much but he was walking very early, climbing, exploring, doing gross motor and fine more skills, and much more. He just didn't talk. When he started, he never stopped. If he's not delayed in other areas, he's fine. I found that, when I stopped meeting all his needs by speaking for him, he picked up the pace a bit, but that's all.

Your husband is stressing you out? Please take a weekend and go visit your mother, your sister, your college roommate, or anyone else you know (or find a hotel where you know no one), and let your husband manage for 48 hours and be the perfect, development-encouraging parent he thinks he admires.

What in the world does your husband expect? Does he think your child doesn't speak because you two aren't doing enough? Is he measuring against someone else's kids or someone else's pronouncements of what you should be doing? You two are doomed to a life of misery if so, and you will miss every glorious moment and achievement your child exhibits because you're too busy looking for something else.

You're talking? Great. Are you reading? Do you get him to point? Don't fill in every word all the time - give him a chance to talk, but don't berate him or lament it if he doesn't. Do you go to the children's wing of the library? Do you play in the bathtub? If you can't get on the floor right now, no problem - let him crawl up on the couch with you. Does he have a few toys in different categories - fine motor puzzles or shape sorters, gross motor kiddie cars or a chance to go outside now and then? Kiss him and love him - great. But there are other ways to show you love him, including giving him time to explore on his own. Do you play CDs or sing to him? Sing a song about brushing teeth, sing a song about bath time. Put a few simple toys in the bath with him - a funnel, a colander, a measuring cup. You don't need expensive stuff - just different shapes or functions. Do you have large paper and finger paints? Do you ever do simple cooking/stirring, kneading - VERY simple? Great.

Try not to push your child to meet milestones set by someone else, and try not to ignore great things he's doing in some categories by lamenting things he's not doing in other categories. And please go easy on yourself. You're doing fine, I'm sure, and you're tired and pregnant. Get some help from the dad who thinks you need to be doing more.

Take your husband to baby's next ped appointment and get all this out in the open with him or her. Maybe even call ahead to let Dr know you and your husband are going through some parenting issues and you may need a little extra time. If your Dr is as good as ours, you will leave feeling reassured that you are doing a good job and how you can do things a little easier, like teeth brushing. You sound like you are doing a great job. My son chipped his front tooth as a toddler at a railing at the zoo. He got hit in the eye with a baseball at practice. A neighbor kid whacked him in the forehead with a golf club even though I told them to stay far far apart when playing. Things happen, and I am the best mom in the world. ;) ;) ;)

Welcome to mamapedia, TiffanyCrystal.

Please don't put your son on a pedestal. He's a year and a half old. Start talking in YEARS not months. It will help you adjust to him growing up. You need to let him be himself too. It's okay to let him try and play alone. It's okay to not touch him every second.

At this point, your son should be able to speak about 6 to 8 words. If he can't? Talk with your pediatrician.

If your husband feels that you need to "be better parents" then you need to ask him to detail what he feels "being a better parent" is and participate instead of criticizing. You said he said "WE" not "YOU" so you need to take a step back and ask him to get involved. See what he feels your son lacking and then take him to the pediatrician to express his concerns over where he feels your son should be in the developmental stage.

Can your son point out a body part?
Can your son point out a color?
Does he have 6 to 8 words under his belt?

have you bothered to check out the milestones he should be at?
http://www.bounty.com/toddler-1-to-2-years/development/to...

Stop expecting to be perfect. Stop expecting everything to be "just right". Breathe.

I am going to suggest that you call Early Intervention for an evaluation. They will evaluate your son's development and it is completely free. I think this will be great for you in several ways.
1 - you will have a developmental specialist at your house for several hours. You and your husband should BOTH be there. Ask all your questions. Let your husband express all his concerns to the specialist.
2 - you'll get an objective opinion on your son's development. Assuming he is fine, this will put all your and your husband's concerns to rest.
3 - if your son is behind in any way, you will get the therapy that he needs (eg, speech therapy) for free.

I had one of my kids tested at 18 months and he qualified for speech therapy and fine motor skills. It was GREAT. The therapist that was assigned to us worked with him of course, but she spent an equal amount of time giving me tips on how to encourage his development in areas where he was weak. And, I asked her all kinds of other questions too. After 1 year of therapy, when he was 2.5 years old, they re-tested him and he was all caught up.

Please don't wait to do this. Early Intervention only covers kids until they turn 3, and sometimes there is a waiting list for the evaluation. You want him evaluated as soon as possible so that he can get at least a year of free therapy (IF he needs it) before he ages out of the program.

What I think is most likely to happen is that the therapist will say that your son is fine, and this will give you confidence in your parenting and help reduce your husband's concerns. And those are both good things. Good luck - and please google Nevada early intervention to set up your appointment.

when my hubby was saying we should do this or that or saying our kid needed more this or that i just said you are welcome to step into daddy role and help me out on that, i am sure your child would be happy to have some daddy time.
fro our house its baths, my kids don't mind them, but i am bad about remembering when they had one last, so i put my hubby in charge of it, i said i will feed, diaper, and all that but daddy has to do bath time. and we both do teeth brushing, i do mornings and he does bedtime. ( we have older kids so we are down to supervising but with those first teeth we both took responsibility for brushing)

Take the little one's hand and put it in dad's hand. Say "time to brush your teeth little guy, daddy is going to do this now". Then walk away. Tell your husband he's a dad, that he is welcome to do a better job than you, if he can.

It sounds like you are doing a great job! I don't know what your husband is complaining about, but he needs to lighten the heck up.

It's common enough for 18 month olds not to speak much yet. At that age you have to brush his teeth yourself.

Next time your husband says "we" need to be better parents, tell him yes, he can step up and parent his son more if he would like, because you are certainly doing plenty.

If your husband keeps criticizing you maybe you should get some couples counseling before bad marital patterns emerge. And PLEASE, join a mom's group (an in-person one, not online). You need the support. And reading below, I think having husband go with you to your son's pediatrician appointment and talking all this over with him is a really good idea.

Great comments already, and I'll just reinforce that children develop at different rates and in different areas, however the most important gift we can give them (after nutritious food, appropriate medical care, and good shelter from the elements) is the ability to explore the world around them. It sounds like your fear of not being a good enough parent is leading you to do too much for him. If you are doing things with him all the time, he probably isn't getting opportunities to explore his environment on his own. I'm not saying just put him outside on the front step and let him wander off, however he should be comfortable playing with blocks in the living room on his own for a bit or bang around with some Tupperware and wooden spoons in the kitchen. Take some breaks yourself and hang back to watch the games he comes up with on his own. If he wants to come over to hug, read a book, or show you what he's done, then respond and relish the opportunity, but he doesn't need you right there all the time--and you won't be able to do that in a few months anyway, so wean yourself and him from expecting it.

I also say ditto to the point that with a second child on the way, you and your husband would benefit from learning how to parent together supportively. He needs to give concrete suggestions and be willing to help implement them. If you are both worried about his language development (which didn't seem delayed to me, based on my glance at the onlne CDC milestones for child development), then HE can call to get him on the list for an early intervention assessment and make sure he can be there during the appointment. Anyway, good luck with it, and enjoy your son!

Really narrow advice- of you decide to go for a speech evaluation, find out what the age brackets are and then schedule your evaluation for early in the next bracket. Our son wasn’t speaking at all, not a word until he was 2.5. Our per said we were better off having him tested at 25 months rather than at 23 because no words at 25 months would qualify him for services whereas no words at 23 would still be within the bounds of normal but late.

We ALL feel like this from time to time!! Mine are 10 and almost 8 and there are many nights I lay in bed thinking how I could've, should've done things differently.
18 months old is nothing to worry about not talking! Have you talked to your pediatrician about your worries? I'm sure they'd reassure you that he is fine. And make your husband go with you. I'm sure his intentions are good, but he is stressing you out!
My oldest got his finger caught inside a door when he was 2 and broke his finger. I sobbed all the way to the ER and was terrified they'd think I was a bad mom! The Dr. smiled and said if a broken pinky was the worst thing to have happened, I was doing just fine.
You sound like a GREAT Mom. Remind yourself that you are. You are showing him love and nurturing and that is what he needs more than anything! He'll talk when he's ready! If you feel there is a problem, ask your Dr. for advice. But take a deep breath. I'm sure he's fine. My youngest didn't really talk until over 2.5. And once he started, he never quit!
You're doing just fine!

Get yourself one of the "what to expect" books to use as a GUIDELINE for development.

Just the fact that you are asking these questions shows me that you are a great mom! I'm sure you've heard it a million times - but every baby develops on his own schedule! Both my sons walked late, talked late, and resisted teeth brushing. And both are super smart, super articulate, and super happy/healthy children now (ages 11 and 6). They are ahead in school - it's not just that i'm partial. Oh, and my oldest had a DEAD tooth that was gray until it finally fell out in 1st grade. It's the moms that don't worry or second-guess themselves that I worry about - you sound like an amazing mother! Your hubby sounds a little like mine - he's genuinely questioning himself and showing concern for his son, but it sounds like criticism to you. I understand. It's hard - but you have to just let it roll off; be glad he cares and tell yourself it's coming from love. You are doing awesome - good job, mama!