How Do You Keep Your Mouth Shut When....

Fathers often have a different parenting style than mothers typically do, especially if they work and aren't around the kids all day.

Dr. Sears is a childhood expert and has some great advice for fathers and discipline.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T110100.asp#T110300

It's good to openly have a nice calm conversation, "Hey honey, I noticed the kids give you a pretty rough time this morning. You are doing a great job, but I came across some ideas that can help us both with some discipline issues with the kids. I printed them off online, would you like to go over some of the info with me?

Then, Dr. Sears has several general discipline advice as well as some specific ones, you guys can look over that would help. I agree with you, the kids were running crazy b/c their energy wasn't being funneled into a supervised activity... sometimes hard to accomplish though as a parent.

In any case, here is that discipline advices:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

Does he know you want to parent as a team?
Does he have any insight/awareness
about negative v. positive philosophy of parenting?
It sounds like you've educated yourself about these things
and he hasn't.
It's good that you don't want to micromanage.
Maybe you should consider MACROmanaging.
Before you can get him to change,
you'll need to, somehow, get him to understand the concept.
Stepping back 2-3 steps from the here+now
to explain what's the point, the purpose.
Is that something you can do?

I don't think you should keep your mouth shut! If you really want to be on the same page, you never will be, if you don't speak up. You could just bring it up casually. "I was just thinking, that we've never really talked much about parenting styles. How do you think we should be parenting and disciplining?" Give him the opportunity to answer first. I'm sure he'd be open, for discussion.

How was his childhood? That's generally where we learn our parenting skills.

Perhaps a touch of family counseling would help? Sometimes people genuinely are not aware of child development and what kids are able to handle at different ages.

If it were me I would not put it off on him alone - I would ask that we go together to counseling so that we could really maximize our parenting skills.

All I can say is Dads do it different than Mom's do. You should just tell him "Honey, you should pay attention to the way I handle these things so you don't have the problem you just had in the future". Maybe out of the corner of his eye he'll start noticing your procedure.
Kids get used to the way both parents parent, so it really wont be confusing to them and they will act they way each parent has taught them to act in front of them. Just dont undermine each others authority, that's when it becomes a problem.

Often us Mom's have done our research and think through the best way to positively react to our kids while our husbands just react. I found this to be true in our house. However, although I tried very hard to be a solid front when with the kids, when alone I would talk to my husband while trying not to be critical. It definitely made a difference.

Explain your train of thought and ask him if he can try to be more positive. Take the time to discuss how he and his Dad reacted to one another and how it affected him. Talk about how you want to try to not only build your kids self esteem, but maintain a loving relationship........ blah blah blah. What I am trying to say is that I think it is okay to discuss parental styles pros and cons. That's working together and thinking like a team.

One other thing........when my husband is hungry we all know stay clear! If these "times" happen when he is hungry or tired help him understand that. It may help him calm down or avoid the kids until he gets a bite to eat, etc...

I read most of the posts & you've gotten some great advice. I just want to add a tiny warning to help you avoid frustration as you attempt to get on the same page with your husband. I have trying to do the same thing for some time now. My warning is that it is not an instantaneous or quick process. The way we parent - especially in the ways you are talking about (when the kids are misbehaving, being wild, fighting, etc.)- is largely the way we have either been parented or the way we naturally respond to stress. These things go very deep and take a lot of awareness and effort to change. Our reactions in those moments are pretty automatic. It's not that it's not worth the effort. I'm with you, I think it is worthwhile. Just adjust your expectations. I've had my husband read books I like, we've talked about it, when things don't go well, he's asked what he could do differently, etc. and all I can say is change is slow and he falls back into old patterns very quickly. And he has bought into wanting to do things differently. So all I'm saying is it is worth the effort, but hang in there & be patient with him! :o)

I can tell you my hubbs can be pretty defensive if I try to correct him, especially if it was around his parenting style. Since we are a team, I would try to make sure he knew I was coming at him from a that angle, as opposed to me correcting his parenting. "OMG, the kids were crazy this morning! I was on mamapedia the other day and I got a good idea to try...."

You need to talk to him when the kids aren't around. Don't criticize, just offer a different way to parent. I don't think that a lot of people (men and women) get the type of positive parenting that you practice. Maybe he just doesn't know another way to parent or deal with the kids when they're being a handful.

Gah. My hubby does the same thing... My DD is only 7 months, and sometimes if I am up with her all night I will make him wake up with her in the morning. Usually, I get about another hour of sleep, because I can hear her fussing a LOT. Usually, I will just come out and the following conversation ensues. "did you feed her?" -"no" "She has a wet diaper... no wonder she's grumpy!" (as I walk to the room to change her) Then I feed her. Then I hand my happy little girl back to him, tell him I'm going back to bed for an hour, and try for a little sleep. The good news is, he's learning! lol. (just have to make sure you say these things in a joking tone of voice, not like you are criticizing him... otherwise he gets defensive.)

Would your husband be willing to read one of the most practical books of parenting techniques ever? If so, then I strongly recommend How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. I've been using these techniques with my grandson for the past 2.5 years, and even though my wonderful son-in-law hasn't read the book himself, I notice that he's been picking up on many of the techniques he sees me use with good results.

I think you need to write a long list of all the things your husband does right as a parent and then thank him for all his good work. How are you supposed to work as a team if you dont respect him? My husband is gone for a year. When he is home, if he starts giving me criticism over my parenting skills, first it makes me angry and hurt that he is not grateful for what i do and i feel unsupported and am more likely to just yell more. I already know my faults but would love to feel appreciated and complimented even for not being perfect. Btw you are not perfect either, good, not perfect. Ps, my husband never dresses the kids or makes them breakfast or lets me sleep in because he goes to work at 5:30 am, gone lots of weekends. Now he is deployed. I would love it if he could be in the same room with our kids for one hour.

Oh I feel your pain. My hubby and I just had that "talk" again over the weekend. You got some great ideas from the other mommas. I don't have much impute other than to say you are so not alone. A few times what has worked for me is to ask him to help me with a technic. " I read blah about such and such and wanted to try this to see if it helps with our daughter, could you help me with this? ( hope that made sense) Also will he act defensively if you approach him with I found this a helpful trick. I think most guys just have a different approach to parenting, plus I definitely agree that how we were brought up plays into how we parent. Try to sit down and just tell him that you want to work as a team and you want to be on the same page. See if you can talk about things he has found that helps with the kids and then offer your suggestions. If you approach it as this is a trick I found, verses your not doing it right, I think it helps keep the conversation from turning defensive. Good luck.

I feel the same way, have the same issues with my husband often too. He also frequently just rips something out of our son's hands rather than telling him why it is dangerous, or that he is going to take it away, resulting in crying fits. I find it frustrating. We make small steps toward progress at times, but if heis busy at work, it all gets forgotten - he just isn't into paying attention at home - he wants to be left alone to do what he wants, not to have the time with our son centered around our son. In the long run I think things work out fine - because moms and dads are different.
For me, I find it frustrating to offer advice in a kind way, and have it last for about 2 weeks before it is forgotten again. While there are not quick fixes, I agree, there is no way I am going to get him to read a book on the subject, or read more than a paragraph....
So I guess I comiserate with you and feel like it has been this way for hundreds of years for lots of parents. and things will be fine in the long run.

If he won't respond well to an out and out, "let's get on the same page because we are confusing the kids discussion. Try - today, I tried X with the kids and it really worked to get them to stop crabbing at each other. Do you think we can give that a try for a couple days and see if it helps their bickering?