How Do You Handle Stress?

I agree with the person that said to watch Supernanny. She has some wonderful methods, especially when it comes to time outs, and she deals with a lot of strong willed children in her shows. They show reruns on the Style network all the time. Good luck!

L.,

You've already gotten some good advice from previous posters but I just wanted to add something. I use 1-2-3 Magic with my 3 year old daughter and have been for almost a year. It really works. Here's the link: http://www.parentmagicstore.com/All-Products/1-2-3-Magic-...

They have a lot of different products now but I just used the book. You can get it at any bookstore, not just from their site. Try it; you won't regret it. And good luck mama!

I have no advice whatsoever. I just came to read your responses because I feel the exact same way. I just thought I would tell you you aren't alone and say thank you for asking the question I should have been asking. I desperately want to do better with my child and not be a yeller but that is what was done in my family and its a hard cycle to break. For the most part, mine is actually a very good kid, he has just gotten very headstrong lately, and he has been doing a lot of "battle of wills" lately. I try to remind myself what a good kid he is compared to others when I get mad, but in the heat of the moment that is the last thing I am thinking of. Good luck!

Just from reading your request, I'll wager that you are a 'melancholy/phlegmatic', and your daughter is (at least partially) a 'choleric' (look them up. There's a lot of stuff about the temperaments online).

I challenge you to watch 3 episodes of Supernanny, and you'll see how to MAKE a kid stay in time-out without spanking or yelling. YOU must be in control (and that means in control of your OWN emotions, especially). When you 'lose it', everyone loses. You just have to make it happen.

My mom (now in heaven) gave me the best one-sentence parenting advice that I've ever come across. She raised 4 of us (I'm the youngest), and my husband and I have raised 4 and are helping a little with 3 grandkids. Here's the advice:
"Never say anything to a child unless you mean it." That means don't fuss, don't threaten, don't promise, don't yell, don't nag, don't plead, don't compromise, and don't concede! Say what you mean and mean what you say. Cause it to happen if it takes all day.

On the other hand, choose your battles. You don't make a big deal about perfectionistic stuff -- her socks (shirt, pants) being wrong side out, on backward, or not matching when she wants to 'do it herself'; but you DO have firm rules about not playing while they're eating, bedtime, etc (the 'biggies').

There's also the dynamic of 'love languages' (and you can look that up, too). There are 5:
Quality time
Physical touch
Acts of service
Words of affirmation
Receiving gifts.

It sounds as if your love language might be 'acts of service' (when someone helps you or does a chore for you, you feel loved), and hers sounds like it's 'quality time' or 'physical touch' or 'words of affirmation'. She just needs to 'be with you' and/or be cuddled, patted or touched in a loving way and/or have words of compliment or encouragement on a regular basis to feel loved (it wouldn't hurt to try all 5!)

2-3 yr olds is the most exasperating pre-school years, but if you don't get a handle on discipline now, you'll be hurting when she (they) reach ages 12-18. It's not about being mean or bossy. It's about knowing yourself and loving yourself.

You probably need to get completely away from your daughter for a couple hours once or twice a week. 24/7 with a (strong-willed) 2 yr. old and being pregnant is NOT healthy! Believe me!

Any further questions, message me on here. I'm rootin' for ya!

God bless, Merry Christmas, and happy parenting!

Hello

I completely understand how you feel. I have a very head strong 3 year old. I have watched Supper nanny because I just didn't feel like I knew what I was doing. It has worked. With time out find a place. Give her one warning. Set in the spot and explain your going in because I asked you to blank and you didn't listen. Every time she gets up put her back. Don't say anyhing. Just keep putting her back. After awhile she will realize you're serious and will stay. Do the two minutes and make her apologize. After a few times she will learn. I didn't think it would work but everything I tried wasn't woking either. But she does stop more when I tell her her to stop or she will go into time out. I wish you luck and patience.

Hello L.,
I also have a toddler that gets to me. I also feel bad after i lose my temper. I have just heard about a book called "Beyond Discipline". It has some great tips and it goes more on a less physical discipline aspect. Let me first say that I do believe in spanking, when it comes to a life and death situation. For example, my daughter unbuckled herself yesterday as I was driving down the road, she does know that she should not, and she was spanked for that. Anyways, I understand how you feel and I think the book will help.

Good Luck,

R.

You've gotten some really great feedback. I have to agree that you probably have not been consistent. The hardest behavior to change is the one that is rewarded intermittently. You have taught her that she will win on occaision so she is outlasting you. You are also making the mistake of trying to reason with her. She does not have the ability to reason. No must always mean no; it can't sometimes mean yes. It sounds as if you are afraid to hurt her feelings by telling her no. Your job is not to make her happy all the time. It's not possible and it will set her up for failure in life. In addition to John Rosemond, I would recommend Hal Runkel's Scream-Free Parenting. Good luck. (By the way, I have a 16 year old and a 14 year old so I've been there. You will make it too.)

I give this advice to everyone with toddler issues: read Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. If you do what he says, you'll see a complete turn around - but it might get worse before it gets better as she'll resist the changes. Definitely do it before having the baby. The book is by John Rosemond.

I feel your pain...I have a 3 year old son (my youngest) of three and he is the worst tempered and biggest mama's boy of them all. I cant do anything without him on my heels and he will not go anywhere without me. I know what you mean about feeling guilty after you discipline them I do the same thing, but I am confused on where things went so different with him my other two are not like that...if you get any good stress releivers let me know I just wanted to let you know you are not alone!

I remember this feeling with my first child, and am experiencing it with my 2nd at this point. Despite that, it still feels freshly annoying, as you describe. I think the key is to maintain your perspective, which sounds simple, but is completely not. Depending on your schedule, you're no doubt either keeping house or transitionning to/from activities; both have adjustment problems.
Here's the deal for me; research exactly where she is in relation to absorbing information and your attention. Sometimes, forcing the time to make a solid period of one-on-one time can lessen this type of behavior for the rest of the day/night. You're right that this is 'normal', but you're not out of control. She's probably a little young to fully do the 'time out' thing effectively now. The general rule, I think, is a minute for each year, anyway. With my 2nd, (now 4 yrs), getting down on his level and really looking him straight in the eye for at least 20 seconds with a reprimand seems to click with him. Your daughter is no doubt struggling with the language barrier-thing, too. Once she's able to communicate, this should also lessen things. Really make sure you research the toddler brain; its easy to 'expect' either older or younger behavior from a toddler in limbo when 1) you want her to act older due to the new one, 2)she's your 'baby'; having to get used to her 'growing up' when all the pieces haven't fit together yet. They aren't called little teenagers for nothing.
Also, focus on the positive aspects of her personality. This will provide perspective for you in those tight moments. It is very easy to use anger; we're conditionned to equate it with personal 'expression' these days, which doesn't work here. You're not the only one. It's important to focus on making your daily/nightly transitions as distinct as possible, so you're not carrying frustration for some other aspect of the 'day' into an already stressful situation.
If you have a sig. other, take time to sit in a room by yourself and diffuse. If not, use the TV for this opportunity. You being able to destress is far more important than 20 mins of veg time for her brain.
You may try either increasing or decreasing her activities (outside the house), depending on their current level. She may have too much or too little energy, which may contribute. You may try to find an activity that will get the both of you moving. It is hugely easy to get trapped in the house with neverending tasks and prep for #2.
Physical and time-out may not be working; try taking incentives away in the moment with her mistakes, while firmly explaining on her level why. Anything you try will take time and repetition, period.
The mountain really isn't that steep, I promise. Focus on the forest, not the trees and keep researching others' techniques. Your situation seems specific and out of this world, I know, but I promise others are experiencing it and have found productive ways to deal. We aren't 'trained' in this skill...keep perspective and push forward.

Hello L., We have a 3 year old boy and I could have written this exact post. We have started this chart reward system for getting ready for the day and bedtime routine(those were our most challenging times) in the last few weeks and the results are working wonders. I draw a chart with 2 rows (sun and moon), 5 columns (Mon-Fri). The last block is a picture of something fun to do on Saturday (Santa Clause, Making Cupcakes etc..). After he gets dressed 100% without a fuss, he gets to pick out a fun sticker for the appropriate block (We make a big deal of it). If he's been good and it's full, then then we do the fun activity on Saturday. Your daughter is old enough to understand delayed reward, but maybe for shorter periods of time. We do the 1-2-3 magic too. This isn't part of the system, but it works for us. To keep him on our stool, we tell him if his feet touch the floor then he gets 'two' time outs. Regardless of whether she can count, she probably knows that it's more/longer. Good luck.

"Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp, and/or "The Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo.

Negative attention is better than no attention. You are pregnant and she is acting out from fear of losing the limelight. Stay calm, and make her a part of the pregnancy. Talk to her about what is going on, and let her feel the baby and tell her how that is her baby brother or sister and is going to need her. Let her know you need her to be the big sister and help you. So what if she follows you around. Talk to her and let her help whatever you are doing. Make things positive and up beat. Good luck and God Bless.

There's only one thing I would add to the great advice you've received. That is, this is only temporary. She will outgrow this phase and one day you'll even remember these days fondly, the frustration forgotten. When my oldest was at this stage, and driving me crazy, I complained to my mother constantly. One day she told me it would all get better once he turned four. And she was right. Now he's a 27-year old with two demanding kids of his own and I can sit back and watch. And there are days when I actually miss my toddler.

L.,

You have what we call a strong willed child. My son is 28 months old and has a very similar personality. We use the time out method on him. No spanking, because this method does not work with strong wills. They are cerebral and spanking only accelerates the problem. Purchase a gate: http://www.babygates.com/
We use the laundry room, as it is the safest place in our house for time out. Plus, he can hear the two minute timer we set in the kitchen. He has to stay in the room until the timer goes off. We are very consistent with the time out method. As long as he is not hurting himself or anything else. We let him kick, scream, stomp, pout and ignore, ignore, ignore. When the timer goes off, he comes out. If the behavior has not changed, we do it again. And again, and again. It will take some time, as we started this at his 2 year old birthday. Don't battle with her. This is what they look for in the parent. It is a power struggle. Unfortunately, she is winning. Show her whose really boss. Use your mind and you will over power her in a good loving way. Good luck!

First I think you need to get someone to watch your daughter and get out for a few hours or longer. If you don't have someone who can watch her look for a Mothers Day Out program to enroll her in. It would give her the chance to be with other kids in her age as well as a much needed break for you. You need this so don't feel guilty about it.
Second as for the time out. You will probably need to physically sit with her in a time out chair. Appropiate time out is 1 minute per year, 1 year- 1 minute,2years-2 min.

God Bless

i know im kindof late on this but i saw this and just had to respond this was my son 2 yrs ago i did what everyone said and now hes 10 times worst so my reply is take orde asap or youll be sorry my sons 4 and thinks hes the boss

tear

My son started throwing tantrums and refusing to get dressed after he turned 3. I found that ignoring him worked the best. When he would begin to throw a fit I would tell him that I was leaving the room and that when he calmed down I would return. As long as they are in a safe environment, it is fine to close the door and let them make a fuss- once they realize no one is hearing it but them, they calm themselves down pretty quickly. If you have to lock the door to keep her in, I don't think that is bad as long as it is for a short period of time (not more than 10 minutes). One time we were going to storytime at the library and we were late because he threw a fit over getting dressed- after class I made him apologize to the teacher for making us late and from then on, he got dressed for storytime without a fight. When I am too frustrated with him to calmly deal with the situation I explain to him that his actions have made me angry and that I need for him to stay in his room- if he follows me to another room I simply repeat my instructions to him and politely ask him to find something to play with for a few minutes. After he realizes that I am not going to respond to him he will go to his room until I come get him. She may also be reacting to the new baby- if everyone is making a big deal about the new baby coming, she may be feeling left out. My son was frustrated in the last few months of my pregnancy because I couldn't get down on the floor to play with him so we began playing with cars on the couch and table- the baby is 5 months old now and he still asks to play cars on the couch sometimes because we had so much fun. I hope some of this is helpful! Good Luck!