How Do You Do It?? - Labadie,MO

Updated on January 05, 2008
M.S. asks from Labadie, MO
14 answers

how do i talk to my 11 years old son about sex without him getting all grossed out? i know, it's not gonna happen. i have always been honest and open with him but it's to the point that i don't want to push the subject of girls but i feel like i have to. help!!

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K.E.

answers from Kansas City on

Well, if your husband has "taken your son as his own," HE would be a perfect candidate for THE talk. (Just like when you potty train a boy, it is so much easier to have a man "show" a boy how to use the potty.)
I think it could even strengthen the "bond" they have already created.
Good Luck! I still have a couple years before I have that problem.

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A.B.

answers from Wichita on

Oh that's a tough one. I have not yet reached that point in my parenting, but I am close. I have a 7, almost 8 yr old son. If I were in your shoes I would probably just ask questions in daily settings. Like an everyday conversation. I would probably have to prod a bit to get anything out of him. I wouldn't volunteer any info, just give honest answers when he asks me questions. I would leave most of the "guy stuff" to my husband, but sometimes boys want to know from a woman. I would just try to keep an open dialogue with him everyday so that he knows that you are there, you are interested, and he'll get more comfortable with talking about "stuff' with you. When he is ready he will come to you. Patients and trust.

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T.F.

answers from St. Louis on

My husband came across a great book called The Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen from the American Medical Association at Borders, which we gave to our 11-year-old this week, so it will save him some of the embarrassment of talking face-to-face, but let him know that he can come to you and your husband with any questions. The book has a lot of good information in easy-to-swallow format, not just about sex but also his body, pimples, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. We've tried to respond to questions as they come up, but also provide him with basic information even without him asking. Good luck
T.

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M.L.

answers from Tulsa on

I have a 12 year old, almost 13 yo boy. When he was in the fifth grade, the school nurse or counselor showed them "The Film". Apparently it explained everything. Up until that point I had been sort of feeling my way about what he knew or didn't. He was a bit naive in that area. Anyway, he was grossed out, as you say, for about 2 weeks but now seems to be on par with his sex education knowledge. I could have explained everythng to him but he really didn't want to hear anything from me. I happened naturally at school and with his friends. Now I am telling him horror stories about teen pregnancies and assorted other predicaments. Don't count on "dad" to do it. Men run from this responsibility like its the plague!

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M.R.

answers from St. Louis on

No one is too young for sex education. It's a fact of life and we shouldn't be embarassed about it. Set an example for your kids.

of course, discussions should be age appropriate. At 11 he should be able to handle most of it. He's close to puberty. Kids need to learn this stuff from someone who knows about it, not their friends in the school yard.
Be frank and let him know that if he ever has any questions about something you don't cover, you would be happy to talk and not get upset or angry.

Good luck. Kudos to you for being proactive!

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B.W.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I agree with the writers that it should be an on-going process, not just one big talk. And your husband or his bio dad should be the ones to stress respect toward women and sexual responsibility.

There are books called "What's Happening to My Body?....Book for Boys" and then one for girls. They are really comprehensive, but age 11 might be a little young, as STDs and every slang word for body parts and sex is included. But, these are terms kids will start hearing in middle school. There are several good books at Mardel's or Christian bookstores that give sexual information from a religious point of view, so just read a variety of sources and pick one that most closely matches your own belief system.

Your son is fortunate to have a mother who cares so much and who wants him to be well informed.

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M.

answers from Wichita on

Does your x-husband have a good relationship with your son? If so, maybe you could talk to him about having "the talk" with your son. If not, maybe stepdad could help. Sometimes, "the talk" might be more comfortable coming from someone of the same sex. good luck!

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J.M.

answers from Topeka on

I had a daughter, not a son, so I have never been in exactly your situation. I found it hard enough to talk to a daughter. Fortunately her middle school had a good, thorough sex education program with an excellent teacher. I'm thinking that perhaps your husband might be willing to talk to your son about the physical aspects of sex and contracepton, STDs and so on. Perhaps you could talk to him more about the relationship aspects - what girls think and feel, how to treat them well, good manners and honesty in dating, and the importance of friendship, affection and ultimately, love. Good luck, God bless.

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K.W.

answers from Tulsa on

First of all, you have to get over your own embarrassment. He will take cues from you on how to react to the information you're giving him. I know it's difficult, believe me--I have a 15 year old son and an 11 year old daughter, so I've been where you are--but that's the first thing you need to do. Get comfortable with the info yourself before you try to present it to him. With my daughter, I actually checked out books from the library, yes, with diagrams, and that helped her to understand a little better. Familiarize yourself first with everything you're going to be talking about, and then encourage him to ask questions, and promise not to make him feel embarrassed. The thing to remember is there really shouldn't be a "big talk," and then it's over. Educating your children about sex should be an ongoing process. He's going to be curious about different things and have questions about things that he might not have even dreamed of when he was 5, and then in a few years when he's dating he'll have even more questions and issues. Keep an open line of communication, and never, ever laugh at him or show embarrassment yourself. The hardest things for me to talk about were masturbation and oral sex, because those were just so...uncomfortable for me to discuss with my kids for some reason, lol, but they had questions so I did my best to be as honest as possible without making it seem like something really gross or something to be ashamed of. He's going to hear about things like this whether you tell him or not; wouldn't it be better to get true information from you than false information from his friends? My final piece of advice for you is not to overload him on information. Let him guide the conversation with his questions and answer the ones he is wondering about right now. In a few months, or few years, he may come to you with more questions, and that's when you answer those. He may just be curious about how babies are made right now, and that's great--give him the scientific information about how everything works, how to prevent unwanted pregnancy, diseases, etc., but he may not need information on other sexual topics right now. You don't want him to think it's something dirty or shameful--just remind him that when he's older and ready, it's a natural process for two consenting adults. Good luck!

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T.S.

answers from Kansas City on

Hi, first of all... good for you for wanting to educate him! Do you think your husband would be comfortable doing this talk?? It might be better coming from a guy.

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W.B.

answers from Kansas City on

Hi M.,

First off I want to say that I think this is a 2 parent conversation whetherit be with his natural father or his step father it doesn't matter. You should feel just as comfortable talking to your son as his bio father or his step father.

Next if he comes to you with a question, answer it honestly and to the best of your ability and with enough information that answers his question. I don't believe that at this age he needs full knowledge of everything but he can atleast have his questions answered.

Not all kids are at the same place at 11. My son will be 16 in 2 weeks and he is yet to have a "real" girlfriend but I have also talked to him about sex and the responsibility that comes with it.

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G.N.

answers from St. Louis on

Has he been curious and asking questions? I wouldnt push the issue of the talk unless he comes to you about it. Is his DAD still in his life and is he able to discuss this with him, if not would your new hubby feel comfortable with discussing certain sex issues with him, usually guys feel more comfortable with this topic than MOM's.

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M.B.

answers from Tulsa on

Sweet baby I am called M. on here and I was readin yer letter...oh yes I type like I talk even tho I was a school teacher my kids say it plum aint me ifin I dont be myself on here...LOL..Ta me 11 is to young for ya ta sit yer son down and talk bout such...let me tell ya why...he probly knows more than ya thank already baby....and even more than ya might know!..my grandson at that age could tell me thangs we didnt even talk bout at that age...my granddaughter just turned 17 she would mention somethin ta me and I would say somethin and she would laugh...I didnt have a clue...she said oh grandma yer so inta the 50's...well ta me that was a compliment!!! come ta find out it ment I was dumb...LOL...so baby in time he might talk ta yer husband but im sure he knows more than he will ever let ya know cause thats how all the schools are taday....so pray for him baby as I will cause the schools taday I wish were like as my kids say...."back In Yer Days"...luv and prayers.....M.....Im 65

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G.C.

answers from Kansas City on

Well, I don't have a boy, I have a 13-year-old girl. Her dad is in Arkansas & my man (who I met just b4 she turned 6) is a wonderful daddy. It was probably easier for me with a girl cause she had to start a period & stuff. She started the day b4 her 12th b-day! Will the step-dad talk to him? He knows what your son is going through. Another thing is wait until he comes home from school when he has sex education. When he brings it up or you know they're going over that it will open a door for you.

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