How Do Moms Do It?

Sounds like you could benefit from having someone babysit for you at least one afternoon a week or something. Perhaps you could connect with some other moms in or out of the military in similar situation and you can swap afternoons. Even stay-at-home moms can benefit from additional help to get their "me" time!

I think it is pretty normal, what you are going through. I also have two young children and I take it for granted that I will have virtually no time for myself. The way I get through it is to remind myself constantly that it is only temporary, that the kids will soon be bigger, and things will get easier. I am keeping a huge list of all the movies I would love to see someday and books I would like to read, in the hopes that someday I will have time to take in a movie or read a book again. Hang in there!

A., I think most moms have very little time to themselves until their kids are more interested/able to play by themselves - say 3 or 4 years old. I usually feel like you do as well. I typically try to take an hour or two each weekend when my husband is home. This gives me some time out for hobbies or catching up doing things like switching out the kids clothes and gives him some bonding time with the kids. I actually seem to find a more time to do my projects when my husband is gone, but thats because I am not spending time visiting with him (I'd much prefer the visiting.) However, those projects tend to be home projects rather than hobbies since sometimes you just need to reoganize and refresh things.

I also made room in my budget to get a little help by doing some things that saved money. I am careful about travel expenses and we rarely eat out/have take out anymore. I cloth diapered from 1 --> 2 years and made my own babyfood (which was actually fun). With that extra money I would get a mothers helper (cheaper because I was in the house) or babysitter every other week when my husband is out of town. I also budgeted in a maid - it cost me $150.00 per month and though I still had to do light cleaning having someone do the dusting and heavy cleaning every other week makes a huge difference. The days the maid comes are like free naptimes and evenings for me and I have a lot less stress about getting things like the bathrooms done regularly.

I feel your pain :) I too am a military wife and had the challenge of babies 2 years apart. I got "lucky" and had the extra challenge of my husband being stationed on a ship for the first 3 years of my daughters life (my oldest son was 2 when she was born). It was oh so fun ... I'd REALLY like to do that again ..... NOT!!!! LOL

It didn't take me long to figure out that I simply WAS NOT going to get everything done and stay sane. I dislike cleaning in the first place so trying to keep up with EVERYTHING ... ALL THE TIME ... just wasn't working. I was exhausted all the time. So I let it go and decided what was a priority and what could "wait". Kids had to be fed every day. They had to get regular sleep every day. *I* HAD to have some time to myself EVERY DAY. Everything else could wait.

Pick out the things that absolutely MUST be done daily, weekly, monthly and focus on those, for me that meant anything the could make life unsanitary rather than just messy. If you don't get something done ... don't worry about it. It will still be there tomorrow. For me, when it came to the kitchen, it all got done at the end of the day.

And get daddy to chip in a little more if possible. pick a chore or two that you two can do together (laundry and cleaning the kitchen/dishes come to mind right away) to get things done faster so you BOTH have more time to spend together AND more relaxing time for you.

That's about all I can think of right now :) I still don't like cleaning although my house is never really dirty so much as messy. And my kids are now in their teens and trust me ... it doesn't get easier ... it just gets different LOL

Good luck it'll all work out. And remember these two life rules:
1. Don't sweat the small stuff.
2. Everything is small stuff.

I think this is the way most moms feel, at least moms with little ones! It's a never-ending work day! I think the thing to do is NOT to wait "until things get easier" because more than likely, life will always be complicated. And then we'll be disappointed that things never get simpler. So, we have to make our lives better RIGHT NOW. :) If you have playdates with other mommies, maybe one of them would be willing to switch off with you, you watch theirs for a while, then she watches yours? Or maybe the hubby (if he happens to be home) can take the wee ones out and about for a few hours on a weekend. Or definitely look into baby-sitters -- especially if you are spending the weekend without the husband around. If you SCHEDULE it, it's easier to find the excuse to find a sitter -- for example, go to a scrapbooking event, and find a sitter. Also, set goals -- by the end of the week, you will have done x and y -- and then you'll be excited that you've made it! (This is also a pep-talk for myself, can you tell?) :)

The only interrruption free respite I have ever experienced was when I finally allowed myself some ala carte daycare. You might look into that, if you have no family or friends interested there should be several daycares around that will quote you a decent price for once per week. It was a life saver just to drop off the kids during the day for a few hours with comeone else to run errands or get some hobby time. WIsh you best of luck!

T.

It's hard, but you just have to stop and enjoy the kids and you from time to time. The house will be there. If you want time to enjoy your hobbies, maybe we can connect. I also scrapbook and make cards. We could do a mommy and me paper craft time during the day. Reply if you are interested.

You could also find a local MOPS group where you would meet with other moms in your same season of life. They were very supportive with giving advice, swapping baby sitting time, and giving hugs and prayers when needed.

It's just a season you're going through. It's normal. And, as your children get older, you get that time back as well as a second wind. You might not get to do the things you love, but you probably will find new ones along with your children. And, when my daughter turned 5, I introduced her to scrapbooking, which she loves! We do that together. I am not a true scrapbook enthusiast, but she is and I like working with her. As your children grow and develop a love for reading, you all will read at the same time. Trust me, it's over a lot faster than you think. I remember those toddler years wondering if I'd ever get a life. Now, there are pockets in the day when I don't have as much to do because they can do for themselves. They can bathe themselves, straighten their room, help put away groceries.... It's still hectic, but there's a little more breathing room. Your husband's schedule will change someday and he'll be able to take them out and you'll have the house to yourself for at least 3 hrs! It will come. Just be patient and learn to rest when the children are resting. An organized house is nice, but a sick and exhausted mommy is not going to be able to help anyone. Pace yourself for the race. It's a marathon, not a sprint, to the finish.
Tips on how to do "it": Prepare meals in advance and freeze or use your crockpot to save time.
Purchase Clorox or Lysol wipes to do quick tidy in a bathroom.
End magazine subscriptions and newspapers to decrease clutter.
Keep a box beside front door for junk mail. Pick one day each month to either love it or recycle at once.
Put bills in a folder and keep in designated space.
Choose laundry days for children and adults.
Try to run all errands on one day. If you have Dr. appt., add grocery shopping and post office.
Use paper products sometimes. Adds $$, but saves cleanup time.
You might find you have more time on hand than you thought if you can work efficiently. If you're already doing those things, just know it's just short-term discomfort for longterm gain--like pregnancy.

Sounds like you are on the right track and I agree, most moms with young kids have little time for themselves. Have you checked into a moms group with a babysitting coop? You can start your own and keep track of things at www.babysitterexchange.com

You are a good mom and doing all you can do. Once in awhile my husband would take the kids out for a couple hours on Sunday afternoon and let me get something extra done at home. It was a welcome break because I was home with the kids all the time. AF

Sounds like you are doing a great job! One hour a day to rest is pretty good at this stage, I would say - glad you are at least taking that! And it's also good it seems you have a good attitude about cleaning and cooking, etc....I always tried to make those activities more fun and creative so I wouldn't get burned out and that could be my 'me' time. Some other things (like my billiards playing and your scrapbooking) definitely take a backseat to kids - and it's almost like you mourn the old life when you had time to do those things. It will be a lot less frequent, but there will be some opportunities for organizing the clothes and reading magazines and doing thank you cards on the weekends maybe - or a play date with a friend that also has kids - you two can switch off to help each other out...it just takes more planning and it won't be every day. You have to prioritize things that are most important to you and it may take a lot longer to get to things than you would like - I have been trying to clean out our guest closet for months, but FINALLY got to it yesterday, and I don't even have toddlers right now! I think it's great that you are spending time with your kids and playing with them and enjoy it because they will only be young once and the other things can wait - once they go to Kindergarten you won't know what to do with all your free time! :)

A.,

I am also a military SAHM. When I had both kids at home, I found having routines to be very helpful. THere is a website that I use and it teaches you about routines and how to keep you house clean with only a few minutes a day. The website is www.flylady.net.

I used to be just like you when I was in Pensacola, then I got my routines down and my house was always clean. Even with a 3 yr old and a 1 1/2 yr old. I would look at the site and check if your library has the book Sink Reflections by Marla Ciley. She is the flylady and since reading her book, I have learned even more from her.

I also learned that eventually, if your family sees you doing something all the time, eventually they will follow suit. It may not be as quick as you like, but they will.

I live in Chesapeake if you would ever like to get together. My children are now 5 and 3 but we can still get to gether and let the younger ones play together.

Several things come to mind. DOes your husband do any house mantainence-dishes, alundry, bedtime routine? If not, get him involved so that the 2 of you can have some good alone time, apart or together. My biggest suggestion to you would be to give yourself permission to not have a spotless house! You have 2 young kids, mess comes them. The messes will be there in one form or another as long as they live with you. They will only want you around for a few years, then will move out and have families of their own. I would suggest that you schedule one room each day to do focused cleaning on. The kitchen has to be done every day, but do the bathrooms? Can you schedule one day month where your husband has the kids for the day and you can go through the closets? I have 3 kids(6,11,13), when they were younger I would do one load of laundry a day. Now that they're older, and not nearly as messy, I can do laundry one day a week. You have a house with kids in it, have you ever noticed that magazines rarely show rooms that kids are in, or allowed in? It sounds to me like you think you have to do it all, and he shouldn't because he works outside of the house. Check out this website, I can help you with that and it's fun to do.
http://swz.salary.com/momsalarywizard/htmls/mswl_momcente...

Like the other moms who have responded, I understand how you feel! All moms, stay at home and working moms, deal with this at some point or another. For me, when I was a stay at home mom it finally came down to figuring out what my priorities were for both me and my kids, and finding a good balance of both. You want the absolute best for your kids, but you also have to realize you need some time for yourself. In my situation, I couldn't afford a babysitter (and still can't) so I had to figure out how to balance my time without that luxury. I did a chart of my actual time and activities (you can find them online or you can just jot down what you do for a week in a notebook) and I found out that I was doing everything for my kids and that we were going out a lot to do those things. Driving time and getting ready for our activities took a good chunk of time, too. I found that I had to cut out some play groups and went to our story time every other week instead of every week (and sometimes we had been going twice a week!). By doing that, and teaching my kids to engage in some playtime on their own (we called it rug time where they sat on a big rug and played with their own toys), I was able to find 15-30 minutes each day to do my own activity. At first it was only 10, then it turned into 15, then 20, then 30. I always set the timer so my kids knew how long it would be. At first it takes a lot of patience with them, but they do learn and then the rest is up to you. You have to decide to put all the undone chores out of your mind and do something nice for yourself instead (scrapbook, read a book, whatever makes you happiest). It really helped me to carve out that time and we were all more content when I cut out all the running to playgroups and activities. I hope this can help you a little bit too! Good luck, and yes, it does get better even in just a year's time!

Hi
I am a former sahm and current military wife. when my kids were very small, my husband had jobs that did not take him away that much, but if he did, i would have taken the xtra money (which is sometimes tax free dpending on area of deployment) and spend it on a housekeeper. if you can swing it, paying a housekeeper is cheaper than the antidepressants that you will need after you have worn yourself out and gotton so depressed since housework never ends.

A., all I can say, is that you're speaking about what I've been wondering!! I have an almost 5-month old son who I love more than anything. I'm a SAHM mostly because we've moved a lot in the last 2 years and we arrived here in August w/our son in tow. When I get up in the morning, I wonder what my day will include; when I go to bed at night (generally before 9:30) I wonder what did I do today?

I wish that I could share some wisdom with you, but all I can say is, I'm glad that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Do you have any friends or family in the area who could watch your kids a couple hours a week so you can have some "me" time? We don't have any family here and haven't made any friends since we've just moved in. One of these days, I'm going to start looking for moms groups in the area so that my son and I can socialize w/other people like us. I wish you the best as you search for balance in your life.

A., I hear where you are coming from and it is a struggle. My situation is a fairly similar though there are a few differences. My husband is also active duty with a unit where he's often gone for crazy shift work or trips. I am not, however, a stay at home mom. I work full-time and my child ( I originally wrote husband. How funny is that?) is in childcare on post. My suggestion is to schedule some PT childcare. This will give you time to yourself and then you have to be dedicated to using that time FOR YOU not to get stuff done around the house or run errands, etc. The post where we are has an hourly program that is very affordable and you don't have to commit to certain times/days, etc. Maybe there's someone in your neighborhood that you would trust to watch your kids a couple hours once or twice a week. You may also want to reevaluate your expectations of yourself in terms of what the house should look like, etc. I've come to the realization that my house will probably be clean but cluttered and look a little like a disaster for the next 5 years. Also, I take the grandparents up on their offers to help. Neither of our families are near by so they have to travel to get here but I've coordinated with both sets of grandparents so that they come for a little visit that also corresponds to a scrapbook weekend where I leave and stay at the hotel while they enjoy their grandson. You can also find day long events and that is a little easier to find childcare for. Good luck! I'm always interested in meeting other military moms to feel free to email.

Oh, your life sounds a lot like mine -- I have a 2.5 year old and a 15 month old and I always seem to be cleaning and picking up and there's never enough time for the things I really want to do.

One thing that helped me a little, is insisting that I get three hours at naptime, whether they're sleeping or not. I read books and sing songs and put them down... and if they wake up and it hasn't been three hours yet, I ignore them. Most of the time after fussing a little, they calm down and play happily in their crib (the 15 month old) or bedroom (the 2 year old) for the next 30 to 60 minutes or so. I only go in if they sound *really* distressed about something.

Knowing that I'm going to have three hours in the middle of the day, no matter what (almost), really helps.

This is why I stay up until midnight. I need the downtime to relax, read and watch my shows. I have a 5, 2 and 1 year old and it's go, go, go all day long. While the kids eat breakfast, I unload the dishwasher from the night before and add the dirty breakfast and lunch dishes as the day goes on..that makes it easier not to get behind on that. I throw a load of laundry in before I leave for any errands that morning and when I get home I throw it in the drier. I do one load a day 6 days a week and it's a good routine. I really try and do small tasks in 10 minute intervals throughout the day so that I am not spending an hour at one time cleaning. That way when the kids nap for 2 hours in the afternoon I can spend the 2 hours doing what I want to do for me. Once I get the kids at bed at night and everything cleaned up from the day it too is usually 9:00 and like I said I stay up until 11 or 12 to just have some more me time.

I love to read too but it can be VERY hard to find time to do it. When we started doing bedtime story time for my son we began with Dr Seuss and some other little cardboard books. By the time he was in first grade, we'd begun a few stories that were chapter books, but we'd read 1 chapter of it for bedtime, do the next chapter next night, etc. We did the first Narnia book that way. It was fun for him to remember what was happening in the story from night to night (like an old time serial program). The funny thing is, he so enjoyed following a story that way, it would almost be a disappointment when we finished a book and wondered what we would read the next night. I'd always have to have a next book lined up. He's 11 now, but he knows he can get his fun reading in by reading a little each morning, on the bus and again at night. He just finished Jurassic Park.

just going through the same thing as my husband work (international development field) takes him away on trips for days or even weeks at the time. our solution to make our life (or my life) easier has been to enroll help - we have a cleaning lady that comes once a week, and then twice a week, I have a student (mother's helper) that comes and play with the kids at the end of the day (when I am most tired) and/or run a load of laundry, does some small errants, fix a quick dinner, etc... makes me more sane!!!

Hey I love twilight! Anywhoo, I agree with some of the other answers. You need YOU time(and not to clean the house or after someone else) or you may go crazy! So maybe a mother's helper couple times a week, they can just watch kids or help fold laundry etc. Also 2.5 is a GREAT age to start teahcing little chores like putting stuff into a drawer, sure it may not meet ur standards but at least the clothes are in the drawers right? Do you go to a church? They normally have babysitters lists. And in HS kids need volunteer hours for their government class to graduate etc.
I do agree with the mom that mentioned MOPS. Stands for Mothers of Preschoolers(birth thru kindegarten aged kids) check out a group near you at www.mops.org
I'm in a MOPS group in Springfield and it's GREAT, I also think there is a moms morning out program where moms take turns watching kids, I could find out more info if you'd like.
There's also this great parenting class I am taking called BreakAway at BCC(Burke Community Church), free childcare on Tues mornings 9:15-11:45am
There are a lot of military wives in the class with younger kids too. My e-mail is ____@____.com
Pammy

I think so many moms are in the same boat - working hard, running around feeding, cleaning, playing, entertaining, etc.

"Me" time is really important with so much going on and if you can fit it in somewhere you really should - hire a babysitter once or twice a week OR do baby sitting swap with a friend or neighbor OR work out times when your husband is around where you both of you alternate your time alone. Another idea for when your kids are a little bit older that I got from a friend is - her and her husband take turns taking the kids to a matinee show on a Sat or Sun once a month so that its a solid two hours on a weekend of time you can get.

I personally make it a habit to talk with my husband before I go to sleep for 10 mins and also to read at a min of 10-15 mins - that is my downtime from work and kids.

Good luck. Hang in there - this phase will pass all too quickly and kids will be off to school before you know it.

A.,

I have a solution for your need for some "me" time! I am the owner of a babysitter placement business called BabysitEase.

We interview, background and reference check all of our sitters. They are all over 18 with their own transportation. Many of them are college students with flexible schedules. They are going for their early childhood development and nursing degrees.

We have several moms, like yourself that need time to do chores, spring cleaning or just have some time to relax and rejuvinate! We are offering 50% off of registration right now! You register at www.BabysitEase.com for $37.50 and your ready to schedule a sit! When you need a sitter you log-on and enter the day and times that you need someone and pay the $10.00 scheduling fee. Our sitters will book your sit based on their availability. Once your sit is booked you will receive an email with background information on the sitter and she will call you to introduce herself. You pay the sitter $9 per hour for 1 or 2 kids.

BabysitEase really easy to use and very convenient!

If you have any questions please call or email me, I'd love to hear from you!

A. Haddigan

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www.BabysitEase.com

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http://www.babysitease.com/