How Do I Tell ex-MIL to Stop Giving Me Unsolicited Parenting Advice?

You are a much nicer woman than me because if my EX mother in law was driving me crazy there is no way I'd even consider letting her stay with me. I'd tell her that since the divorce you think it wouldn't be best for her to stay with you - and stick to it!

As for the advice over the phone, either stop answering her calls all together or just say "oh, ok" and ignore it completely. You could tell her to back off like someone else said too. Whichever you are most comfortable with.

I love the generosity and practicality of Nicki O's advice. As a granny myself, my heart would break if I were cut out of my grandson's life – I love him as much as I Ioved my own daughter. And I can sure hear how challenging it would be to have someone trying to teach you how to mother her way – I would hate that, too. I used to tolerate this sort of emotional bullying from others until I would just burst with resentment, and the results were seldom pretty.

So I hope you'll try polite but extremely clear honesty. There's a simple, 3-part response I've learned for those times when I MUST be clear and firm for the sake of my sanity: In a relaxed and friendly voice, acknowledge the other's request; use the magic word "AND" (this makes a transition without implying that their request has no value), then give your answer or reply simply and unapologetically.

This might sound like: "Jane, I hear that you believe I should be more stern with my son. I understand that you mean well, AND, no, I am mothering the way that works well for me."

Or, "Jane, I hear that you'd love to spend time visiting here. I love it that you want to maintain a strong connection with Billy. AND, no, having you stay with us will not work for me." (You could add, "You are welcome to take a hotel room for a few days, and I'll arrange [specific times] for you to see Billy.")

If she's going on and on coaching you on how to mother, interrupt as soon as you can with something like, "Jane, you've given me this advice several times before. I appreciate that you want the best for your grandson. AND I do, too. I am providing him with good mothering. So please keep your advice to yourself unless I ask. Now, would you like to hear what Billy did this morning?"

Don't explain, make excuses, sound apologetic, or say anything that will leave you sounding less than clear, or the other person will use that perceived weakness to start talking you out of your decision.

There is actually a politeness and a freshness to this simple honesty that most people will honor, and even eventually come to appreciate.

This is your EX MIL? I'm not sure why you even take her calls, you're nicer than I would be! Just tell her thanks, but you dont want her to come stay. Get more aggressive if she wont listen.

oh gosh, this is an ex mil? cut her off for crying out loud, i wish I could cut my nightmare mil off. You are divorced from your husband so don't even take her calls.

What I've seen, when my brother went through a divorce, is that my Mom started to panic she would lose contact with her grandkids and that would really hurt her. My Mom was terrified her ex-daughter in laws just wouldn't let her see them. She might be trying to be "overly helpful" to the point of imposing herself to try to show you she REALLY wants to stay close with her grandson. I would bet you she has NO idea how judgmental it seems. She's probably trying to be motherly and supportive - in her own way.

It's hard being a grandparent. Very few states acknowledge 'grandparent' rights and visitation. My parents, for instance, would be crushed if he couldn't see my kids anymore. My father especially - he loves them like his own.

Perhaps you could offer that your son could come spend the night one weekend? Drop him off at noon Saturday and pick him up on Sunday? Maybe once every few months. Maybe that would assure her you want your son to know his grandma. (I have no idea if thats feasible.. depending how old your child is and how able to care she is) Or you could let her come visit but just for a weekend or even a night. Tell her a week isn't doable right now but she could come spend the night, take your son to the park and visit before heading home.

As to her unwanted "advice"... you can either let it go in one ear and out the other - nod and smile and keep doing things your way. Or you can actually say, "You know, I know you want to help but I would appreciate if you didn't offer unsolicited advice on how to raise my son. While it may be said with the best intentions it's makes me feel like you question my parenting ability." I would just be frank and honest. Hah.. or you could take the bitchy route and say, "Yes I have SEEN how boys you raise turn out, I will handle my son - thanks." ;)

Good luck, I hope it works out.

You don't...you grin and nod and then you even say thank you I will take that under consideration and then you do it your way...it is the best way to keep the peace...sometimes when we momma's either tell people about our little ones we don't always know how it sounds to the one listening...I know some days I just want to vent, and I am not really "asking/seeking" solutions.
It is just one of those things...you let it go....it is how to be a graceful daughter in law, in your head you can think anything you want...she is crazy as a bat ( whatever = )
I wish you luck and I DO understand where you are coming from!

I learned to say. That is interesting.. or I will keep that in mind..
Of course now I do not speak with her anymore...

Do not let her control you.
say things like:
"I'm sorry, I don't have time to talk right now."
"I'm sorry, it's not convenient to have visitors."
"Maybe you would prefer to talk to your grandson when he is with his father."
"I'd actually like to spend more time alone with my son".

Don't explain WHY. You don't need to explain anything, just change the subject cheerfully, or tell her "it's time for me to hang up, I hope you enjoy the rest of your day".
If she bothers you or tries to force anything, or won't listen---change your phone number or try asking the phone company to block her calls---I think you can do that for a fee.

It's hard to know what her intentions are with her advice, but to give her the benefit of the doubt, I imagine she would probably just like to see her grandson and/or feel like she is/can be a part of his life, despite the fact that you and her son are now divorced.

As one of the respondents said, you can tactfully let her know that you both want your child to be happy and healthy, etc, etc, but this is the way you prefer to parent. You can say it kindly and gently, but perhaps also just reassure her that she can still be in his life, despite the divorce. In the long run, your son will benefit from having an additional loving person in his life (unless she is truly a dysfunctional person, of course.)

If I think about how much my husband's parents ADORE our son, their grandchild, I know that if we ever got divorced and there was a chance I would cut them out of my son's life, it would be devastating for them. I am so sorry things have not worked out in your marriage, but since there is grandson involved, there are now other relationships at stake.

Having said all that, I think it is still important to set some boundaries if you feel she is implying you do not know how to parent.

Perhaps you could say "I know you want to come and stay with us for a week or so, and we would love to have you, because I think it's important that you and "Johnny" have opportunities to build your relationship. But I also sometimes feel like you don't agree with or approve of my parenting choices, and that is difficult for me. If you come and visit, can we agree that you'll focus on having a good time with us, and not on telling me how to do things differently?"

Wishing you all the best,
N.

What kinds of things is she trying to give you advice about? If she lives quite a distance away, when does she have a chance to see your child or your parenting skills? In re-reading, I realize that is is your ex-MIL--maybe you are just mad at her son and you are taking it out on her. Or maybe she just wants to come and visit so she can get some "grandma" time with your son??? One way to address it might be to find common ground- We both want baby to grow up healthy and happy and (or but I prefer to do blank. There are probably things that you do agree on, but I sense that you are just irritated with her and don't want to give her the time or "control" of your life.
I often see things that i share with my kids (and spouses)--"if you're interested" but I am not trying to cram it down their necks.

When she gives you advice, I would suggest just saying "ok" and moving on as many others have suggested. You don't mention what the visitation arrangements are with your ex-husband, but I think you should suggest that she spend the week with your son while he is staying with his father since that may be more comfortable for you and she can "help" her son (your ex) while he has his son. Why does she think you need her to "help" you?

Unless you had a close relationship with her and are trying to maintain that personal relationship I don't see why she needs to stay with you to see her grandson. Her relationship with her grandson is important and you should encourage it but it should be her son's responsiblity to make sure it is nurtured.

Fogging is one way to hand her. Just listen and respond, "That could work," but don't do what she says and ignore her advice........as an example. As long as you are not leaving your child with her that will work just fine. If you needed her to babysit then you would have to sit down and talk to her, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

What would happen if you just politely told her.....
You are my child's grandma and that is important to me. Our parenting styles are different and I know that is hard for you, but I would appreciate it if you would respect my parenting style choices.

If you said the above would she try to argue with you and tell you what you are doing wrong? That's where fogging might help. Don't get into an arguing match with her.

When you divorced him did you divorce her too or do you still want to be able to talk to her?

tell her its not your kid not your decision. point blank but polite I am not sure. this may be telling her off too. read your what happened and she is living in fantasy land :)

Sounds familiar! My MIL and I got along just great (although I did see her controlling nature) until my first child was born. She tried to control everything and she even tried to so it through my husband as well! The best thing that I ever did was get to the point where I couldn't take it any more and I literally told her to "back off!"

She was taken aback a bit and silent for a little while, but a week or so later everything got good and we had not gotten along as good as we have from that point on at any point in our relationship. My girls are now 4 and 5 and we now live across country from my in-laws and we still get along great, even when they are here with us.

Hope that helps. Best of luck!

I think I would just tell her that you really want her to have a chance to see her grandson and you are happy to work out a time when that can happen but that have the parenting down just fine and don't need her "help". When she calls you can just let her talk to her grandson for a minute and keep the conversation short and sweet with appropriate remarks like "oh, ok" and "hmmm". I love my MIL to pieces but one time she was going on and on about the ills of giving milk to my son. I was just saying things like "oh really" and "uh huh" finally she asked me if I was going to get him off milk and I just said no bc I talked to my dr and he was not concerned about my son having milk. End of story. She has never done that again. So if she ever asks you point blank if you are going to take her advice, I say nicely tell her the truth!!!! It worked for me:) But I would definitely let her know that if she visits you are in charge by telling her that she is welcome to visit your son but you will be handling things while she is there. Good luck!!

Just tell her no. She cannot come. You do not have to put her up.
She is the grandma, and she will not stop "giving" advice, so not picking up the phone is good.
Quit saying it isn't a good idea, and just tell her you are not putting her up. If she stays with your ex, and she sees her grandchild while he is visiting- well ok, but why talk to her?
If you want to talk to her just tell her like you told us, you don't have to tell her off- just tell her.
best, k

Tell her you have your own Mom.... who is helping and coming over.

She is your EX- MIL.

Tell her she cannot visit and stay with you...

I always respond with "oh, ok" when people give me unsolicited advice, or if I am feeling friendly, I will say "ok, thanks for the advice, I'll keep that in mind", regardless of whether it is my mother or anyone. Whether I bother to follow that advice is a different story and I think this is the best thing you can do whenever she has suggestions. It's more polite than saying "no, I am not interested" but gets your point across as it shows you will ultimately do what you think is right. As to her coming to visit, that's fine, she has a right to see and play with her grandson, but tell her you cannot have her at your house and that she will have to get a hotel. I would never offer myself to stay at someone's house, I find it rude to invite yourself, even if it's a family member. I understand sometimes people want their privacy and to feel comfortable, and that maybe other people in the household may not want someone (nosy, on top of it) around, and that is why I will never invite myself. Be firm and do not let her stay at your house or she will drive you nuts!