How Do I Prepare My Son So He Is Able to Handle Conflict in Elementary School?

I don't think it is his size. My dd is in the 10th percentile, but nobody messes with her since she's very vocal.

I think you need to role play. Pretend someone is taking toys away, give him the right thing to say...

"I was playing with that, you may have it when I'm finished"

or, "I was next in line, you may get in line behind me"

I think you're probably more bothered than he is. This stuff happens all the time to all kids. Just give him the right thing to say when and if he chooses.

The only thing you can do is talk to him about it.
Teach him to speak up for himself and to not let people push him around.
Then talk to him about how you wish for him to handle conflict.

~We all handle it differently so I will not give you the advice I gave my kids, you need to tell him what you want him to do....and that's that. Just talk about it. More than once and he should be fine!!

I am not sure how I feel about preparing a 4.5 year old for a conflict that may not even exist. I like to address things more when they happen especially with children this young. I am not sure how lessons can be learned in this situation when the situation itself is hypothetical. You describe him as having a big personality. I am going to bet that he will be fine.

My own 8 yo dd is the tiniest in her 3rd grade class. She is not even on the chart ( I swear those charts were not made with itty bitty asians in mind) . She is also a minority. One of the 5 filipinos in her school of 350+ students. She also is caring and kind with a wonderful personality. Her height has never been an issue and we always refer to her size in a positive light. It has not stopped her from being voted her class' student council rep, receiving the school's role model award, getting straight As and scoring off the charts in her national exams. She will also voice her opinion when she does not think things are fair. That is when I am the proudest. Most times things don't go her way, but that does not really matter. What I want is for her to decide that some things are worth fighting for but for, most can just be water rolling off her ducky back.

My dd is a self proclaimed nerd who has read more books that a lot of adults I know. While most of the girls in her class covet the latest american girl doll, my dd would light up at the sight of a used bookstore. In spite of the differences my dd is never lacking in friendships. I guess my point is, as parents we have to continually encourage our children to be comfortable in their own skin because only then will they be most accepting of people's uniqueness.

I just want to reiterate that your son will be fine. He will have such a great time in elementary with a personality like his.

Good luck to you little man, you're adventure awaits!

Your son sounds delightful :)

I had so many of the same worries when my son started kindergarten. (And asked a very similar question on MP!) My son's not small physically like yours, but he's sort of soft-faced and confused-looking, and sort of a born nerd. And, so far, it seems like I shouldn't have worried. My son loves school and can't wait to get on the bus in the morning. He's part of a crowd of well-behaved, academic little boys, and is just so happy there. Rather than preparing your son for an onslaught of negativity, my advice would really be to arm him with something positive. Do you know any other kids who will be attending the same school? Do you have any way of meeting parents of said kids? If so, try to schedule as many playdates as you can, so he starts school with built-in friends. From everything I know, bullies target kids who are off by themselves. A kid in a group just doesn't look like a target to them. It's also important to know that schools are very concerned about bullying now; it's not like it was a generation ago, where it was terribly prevalent but no one seemed to care. My son also does karate, which he enjoys, but his true "armor" against teasing and bullying was coming to school already with friends.

Teach him, now, how to speak up.
Role play with him.
Teach him the exact phrases he can say.
Because the thing is, it takes time, to learn how to speak up. It is not instantaneous.
So if you start now, by the time he is in elementary school, he would have more practice and knowledge about it, per your teaching him.

For me, I began teaching my kids that from 2 years old. I just would tell them "if a person is rude to you, what can you do?"... then I would tell them phrases they can say and teach them about right/wrong and about manners and about how SOME people are very rude, but they need to stand up for themselves. Tell me, tell the teacher, tell the person STOP it. Or No. Or go away I don't like that. Or, that is rude, stop it.

I have a friend, who's son is quite small for his age. He is generally the smallest in his class, and he is now 8 years old and in 3rd grade. But he doesn't have any trouble with getting picked on or anything and he has many friends who treat him well, because he doesn't get bothered by his size, and he does speak up and he is pretty self-assured.

The best you can do, is to WITH him, role-play.
And teach him the words and phrases he can say.
You cannot have him avoid all situations... because that is not realistic. Many times situations occurs which CANNOT be predicted at all. And one does need to, learn social innuendo. Anyway.

My son was on the small side too. He did great at preschool, in part I think because he naturally gravitated towards the girls and the less aggressive boys. He was never one for rough play so he simply avoided it. He was the same way in elementary school. He chose to play with boys that were like him, funny, smart, kind, fair and imaginative. Conflicts were few and far between, and when they did happen, his teachers were great at helping the kids figure things out. He's a sophomore in college now and I'm pleased to say that he's still friends with most of those boys and they are all growing into great young men, I couldn't be prouder :-)
Try not to worry about something that may never be a problem. Teach him the basics, setting boundaries, using his words, that it's ok to say "no" and "stop" and "I don't like that" when someone is bothering him, and he will probably be just fine!

Humor handles most situations.

How does he handle conflict now?

I'd suggest role-play and come up with some things he can say or do when it happens. What do you want him to do in that situation if it happens?

I have twins so we have some naturally occurring role-play situations come up and one is a little more physically aggressive than the other. They are learning to say, "I don't like that." or "That is not nice" loudly. We still need to work on following up with telling them to also say to "Stop doing X" after they say, "I don't like that."

If telling the kid to stop or that what they are doing is not nice doesn't work, then we tell them they can go play somewhere else. Or if nothing works or it's really bad, ask an adult for help (teacher, etc). Ideally, we'd like them to resolve/fix it on their own, but we still want them to know that they can ask for help.

Since I have two the same age at home and have conflicts at times, we do get the opportunity to also explain that if they behave a certain way, other kids won't want to play with them. It goes along with us telling them if a kid doesn't play nicely, don't play with him/her.

I read a really great book called "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship" that I think should be mandatory for every kindergartener's parent. They don't discuss your son's situation specifically, but it does talk about different conflict scenarios. You may be able to find something useful that applies to your child.

In my daughter's elementary school, they use Kelso's choice. Kelso is a funny little frog who uses different confrontation techniques. You can see a chart here:
http://kelsoschoice.com/community/parent-page/

The teachers tell the students that they can only come to an adult if they have tried three of the techniques and are still having a problem, or if the problem is serious (scary or dangerous), then they should find an adult right away.

I have insisted my daughters use these same techniques at home with each other (6 and 3). They don't have the finer details yet, but we're working on it, and noting some improvement. They still fight, but at least their fights are getting a little bit more civilized, anyway.

How does he feel when that happens? Are there playdates where you can intervene and say, "So, who had this first?" and mediate in a smaller group? Does he ever come to you sad about being pushed aside? Or kind of stand there, unsure? If so, tell him to go back and stand there and tell the other kids that the line forms behind him, it is his turn next (or whenever his turn will be). You will also be able to talk to the teacher if you hear that he's been pushed, shoved, snatched from, etc. The teacher will also mediate where he/she sees warranted, and you can talk to him/her if there's something that went unnoticed.

i'd be very wary about prophylactically 'preparing' a little fellow for conflicts that may not ever happen.
i'd focus on raising a confident kid overall, without specially prepping for perceived potential slights.
deal with actual problems as they arise.
it's natural to be anxious, but over-prepping will just pass your anxiety onto him.
khairete
S.

Interesting! My son is in preschool (3-years), and I've been concerned about these issues too! With boys, it seems like size does matter! I was so shocked when my son (50% - height) told me that he didn't like another little boy in his class. I asked him why, and he said, because "he's little!" And he told me he's going to give him the "stink eye!" Horrified! We've talked about it, and they are good buddies, now, but seriously? The next week another boy called my son a "baby." Go figure. Think it's going to be quite a ride for us more sensitive moms! I'm going to try to laugh a lot! Good luck!

extra curriculars are good. my daughter is in pageants and it teals her to deal with all kinds of different personalities. she has to win gracefully

I'm not sure if being small is a problem, as you seem to suggest. :)

Now, I can say that being tall was a huge problem and I never fit in with the kids in my grade, and school was a bad experience all around with lots of teasing and "oh, you stand in the back since you're so tall" on picture day kind of thing.
I always wanted to be the kid on the chairs in front who everybody could see. I don't have any pictures where it's not just my face, blurred in the background.

Kindergarten is tough. Mine just finished (average size for what that's worth) and conflict happens. A lot. I get discouraged, too. In preschool or daycare center settings everything is more controlled and kids are smaller and not so...mean. I always wish kids didn't have to go to school, but that's silly too. I'm not one to home school, and I need the break. Plus, he listens better to teachers than to me.