How Do I Get past This? - Washington,DC

Ouch! What a terrible loss you suffered. I am so sorry.

You know, it sucks, but some people are just TERRIBLE at dealing with death, and even worse with dealing with the survivors. It is not an excuse for her lack of compassion for you, but I am betting that she's one of those people. Have you told her how hurt you are by her coldness? I don't think you can forgive her or put it behind you until you address it with her and give her a chance to make amends, or at the very least to apologize. (I don't think that she will actually be able to REALLY make amends, but at least she could feel your pain and apologize.)

ETA: I just read your SWH and the link about your son's brain injury story. What an overwhelming experience! I can certainly see why you would have wanted the support of your friends during that time. But, my experience has been that sometimes during the most traumatic times of life, friends scatter because they either wrongly assume that a) they'd be in the way, or b) they can't do anything to help. This often happens when someone receives a terminal diagnosis--patients report feeling like they've died even before they actually die.

I understand that you want her to offer to be there for you, but sometimes the circumstances are so overwhelming that friends need to be ASKED or INVITED to stick around. I really think that you need to talk to her about it, and let her know that you DO need your friends and WANT to be able to rely on your friends to help get you through the most difficult events in your lives. Good luck to you.

I suggest you work on changing the way you're thinking. You've assumed some very negative reasons for what she's done. I can see her side of it. Many people do not know how to handle death. When she says that she was giving you space, try to accept that she is telling you what she thought would be best to do. And....your parents were important to her. Perhaps she needed space. There are many different ways to grieve.

I can understand why she would give to another organization. Often people suggest giving to this or this organization or an organization of your choice. Doing what she did is reasonable if you try to understand the way her mind was thinking. She did give in your parent's name. Why is that not good enough for you? Again, I can see this as her grieving.

Have you asked her why she avoids talking about your parents? My cousin recently died and a good friend of mine was not talking about him or his death. When I asked her why, she said that everytime she asked me how I was doing, I said, fine or OK: she thought I didn't want to talk about him.

When you didn't show up at the usual functions you are giving everybody the message that not only don't you want to talk about your parent's death but also you don't want to make it right with your friend. You've run away after their death and so your friend is reasonably thinking you don't want to talk about it.

Your description is of a good friend. I urge you to take the first step in working this out with her. Give her a call and say you'd like to be friends again and make a date to get together to talk about how you're feeling and how she's feeling.

Yes, it will be painful. But so worth it because I suggest that you'll find this is a misunderstanding that you can clear up.

I don't understand why you've cut all of your other friends out. You need those friendships and those times together that you've had all those years. It sounds like you're so hurt by this one friend that you can't even be in the same room with her. That is really extreme. It's "cutting off your nose to spite your face" to use an old saying.

You can get past it by clearing this up with your friend. Give her an opportunity to express her feelings. Start out by accepting that she means what she says. It's always poor practice to try to assign motivation to other people and what they say and do. We do not know what is in the other person's heart. Especially when it comes to highly emotional situations.

Have you considered that your parent's death has frightened her about her parent's death and she's not ready to deal with that? Or she just may feel awkward and not know how to talk with you. My friend said she felt a wall come up between us. When I thought about it, I did put up a wall. I was dealing internally with my feelings and although I wanted to talk about my cousin I didn't come right out and say that.

And resuming your usual supportive relationships with the other friends will also help. You've cut yourself off from support. You need those social get togethers.

My friend and I are good again. I suggest talking with your friend can result in the return of the good times.

I also suggest that you do grief counseling. Your feeling stunted is not just about the situation with your friend. When my parents died I attended a grief group at my local hospital, not the one they were in, and this helped me tremendously. Not only is attending an opportunity to talk about your situation and if you're comfortable your feelings but it also allows us to see the ways in which other people handle their grief.

Grief is just as complicated as parenting in many ways. The more we learn about it the better we're able to handle it.

I can tell you the more impacted I am by a tragedy the more I will run from it. I have no idea why I do that but if I am not prepared for a death I will avoid dealing with it and will not delve back in until I know it is safe.

I admit I am the worst friend to have in times like this but, and I think it is important, it is because I care not because I am indifferent. If I don't give a hoot I am there dotting the Is crossing the Ts.

I throw this out there because maybe your friend is like me. Maybe by understanding their are weirdos out there like me you may be able to understand the why.

I can tell you I worked on this, I have tried everything but it all feels fake. Like I know I am faking the appropriate emotions for the sake of a friend when all I want to do is run. I feel like they should know or worse that they would worry about me and I would be taking away from their grief.

I know I kind of rambled here, maybe something in there helped.

Ugh, don't you see? As someone who loved and was loved by your parents, she is grieving as well. You grieve your way, she grieves hers.

Geez, I am so very very sorry about your parents.

Thinking about you (and her, too).

:(

How awful, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your parents.

I don't have any advise, however I can tell you that I am going through something similiar with a friend and I know how you feel.

I recently lost my mom and my friend has ignored me since. I find it so strange and don't understand why she has not been there for me.
This same friend relied on me heavily after her Dad passed a few years ago, and I was always there for her.

I don't know why people do these things - but it hurts and I feel like I am also grieving a friendship.
I understand what you mean when you say that you don't want to attend social events that she is at, I feel the same way.

You have been through a horrible, life altering trauma and now you are feeling the loss of a good friend, I suggest that you talk to a grief counselor to help you get through this very difficult time.

I understand your feelings completely, but have you thought that maybe she's going through the grieving process as well? Some people's grieving process is through avoidance-I know I often grieve that way. I am sure your parents meant a lot to her and to face you would mean to face their death, which it seems that she may not be ready to do.

Hon, I'm so sorry.
I don't have the answers for you.
It's sad but true that sometimes when the chips are down, you DO find out who your friends are.
I'm sorry, but to me, nothing she had done or said sounds remotely like friendship.
I'm sorry if you have to experience the end of a friendship along with two other losses in your life. But it happens. All the time.

As a friend, YOU and YOUR feelings should have come first to her. Not her own preference for denial

I'm sorry.

I am so sorry to hear about your parents. Your grief must be overwhelming. Although I am sure your friend is grieving too it still can not compare to your loss. Frankly, I do not understand it either. Despite her grief she could have still sent a card to let you know she was at least thinking of you even if she is unable to talk about it to you.
Since it sounds like she was such a great friend to you and your family, I think you should try to give her the benefit of the doubt and talk to her about it. It just seems so unbearably sad to loose your parents and a best friend too. FYI... I do think it stinks that my advice to you is telling you to be the bigger person here. I am sorry your friend is unable to give you what you need right now. Take care.

I am sorry for your loss. It is possible that she doesn't know what to say or that her own grieving (she knew them well, right?) is getting in the way of being able to support you the way you want to be supported.

When my friend's husband died, I didn't know what to say. I felt like I should hear her out, but her grief at the loss of the love of her life was also sometimes overwhelming. I missed him, too, but how I felt could not compare to how she did. There were awkward moments at mutual events. I know I didn't always say the right thing. There were times when I wasn't trying to be callous, but I didn't call because I couldn't be her rock. We had other mutual friends and we all kind of took turns checking in on her. Maybe, simply, this is not the right friend for this outlet of grief. She did donate to a charity in their name so please don't take her choice as a slight to you.

If you find that you cannot cope, please see a grief counselor, because giving up all social activities is more than one friend's reaction. It indicates to me a deeper grieving of your own.

People deal with death in very different ways. It sounds like she has little ability to deal with the death of YOUR parents. I understand that you are hurt and would like more support from her, but I don't think that she's personally trying to avoid you or seem uncaring about your loss. It's her aversion to it that is her way of coping.

I'm so sorry for your tragic loss, and I hope that you can rekindle your friendship with your friend in the near future. Blessing to you and your family~

If the closeness with your family was profound enough that she would feel the loss like her own family, then it is very possible this is how she grieves. Grief is a tricky thing, everyone deals with it differently.

I can completely understand your hurt, but try to look at differently. I know that it won't be easy, but I doubt her intentions are to hurt you. She very well may have been giving you some space. I'm extremely uncomfortable with other peoples grief, it's not that I don't care, I just feel very inept in those moments. I don't do well, but i would never want my friends to think I don't care. Thankfully my friends know me well enough to recognize that death and grief are two area's I struggle with.

Try cutting her a little slack.

She doesn't know what to say. She's one of millions of people that have no idea how to relate to someone that lost an important person. I'd try to forgive her. Next time you see her bring up some good memories of the family's activities.

She may not be able to grieve for their loss to herself yet though so if she can't talk about it she'll act weird and make an excuse to leave.

If you let her know you want to talk about them and want to reminisce with her since she's been like a sister to you and part of your family then maybe she'll start healing inside too and be able to open up about her memories and feelings.

If they were very close to your parents then they are grieving too.
Different people grieve in different ways and sometimes those ways are not very compatible.
What will comfort one person will drive the next person up the wall.
When something bothers me, I verbally spill everything that crosses my mind about it whether anyone wants to hear it or not.
I don't say it for THEIR benefit - just my talking it out is for MY benefit and working it through my own mind.
You have a big grief to work through.
Don't worry about harboring ill will against your friend.
Just work through your feelings and come back to her later.

She is likely grieving also. Everyone doesn't grieve the same way. And some people get stuck and cannot even START grieving... they cannot handle it at all and it seems like they just pretend whatever it was they can't process didn't happen. It doesn't make it the right response to you, and it is very sad for her, but it is her problem and it is unrelated to how she might feel about you. She might want to be there for you, or comfort you, or listen to you. But she can't because she is stuck... She can't face it herself... so she has to brush it off with you.

Again... totally not excusing the behavior. But it may be all she is capable of at the moment. Have you ever known her to have a significant loss in the past? How did she handle it then?

I'm very sorry about your parents. Give yourself time.
My condolences.

R.:

Welcome to mamapedia!

I am sorry for the loss of your parents. And in such a tragic manner, it must have been like shell-shock - to everyone around them. Your friend, as close as she was/is to you and your family, sounds like she does not know how to deal with grief or death.

It's called flight or fight. She is in flight mode.

You can't be in flight mode - you have much to deal with. As much as you need and want her - her actions - are totally in "flight" mode and she can't be there for you.

Get over the whole thing. I know it's not easy. It's much easier said than done. I get that. But you cannot change the past - as much as you want to - you cannot. And you cannot change her reaction to death.

So what would I do? I would tell her that your parents loved her like one of their own (they did, right?) and that you will treasure all the memories you created together with them and that as hard as it for you to understand, you forgive her for not being there for you.

Use your own words, but understand she doesn't know how to deal with tragedy nor grief...she is in FLIGHT MODE...

I am very sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry about your parents. I can see why you have hesitated to open up here about it. It's huge, tragic and filled with loss and anger and pain.
You have delt with the fall out from it for a long time. In that, you have had some time to process this, to pour out all your emotions and put them in categories. To weigh your feelings and give them the priorities they deserve so all of them don't compete for your attention with the same force. You could have certainly used a good friend during this time to help you do this sorting. Someone who loved your parents as you do. It's a second tragedy that it didn't happen.

I know that some people just don't have a pocket to put all that emotion into. It's easier to avoid the very thought of it. Some people who do this are shallow. They have lots of other emotions, but only of their time and choosing. They are the takers of this world. If she falls into this catagory, you are better off knowing.

Some are just clueless on how to comfort another person. They are awkward in these situations and know it. So they avoid it.

You have to decide which this is for your friend. She's been plenty awkward. The only way you are going to come out of this frozen emotional state will be to go around her. Maybe you can put it behind you, maybe you can't but you will KNOW. That has to be better than this.

It sounds like your friend doesn't know how to handle this situation. Get past this by telling her what you need from her. Right now she's just guessing. I bet she'll be relieved to get some guidance from you.

I am so so sorry for your loss. Unimaginable. I will tell you, there are,people who do not know what to say or do, so they do nothing and say
Nothing. They really run away and hope that they never have to talk about the tragedy. There are others that jump in, roll up their sleeves, and do not even ask what needs to be done. They just do it. They will sit and listen to you and comfort you and will not be afraid to talk a out the deceased.
I was critically ill a long time ago. Was in ICU and then in the hospital for avout two months. In those two months, other than my husband, I had two visitors. My one very best friend and her husband walked in, looked at me, and said IWeb just do not know what to say. I said you are here and no need to say anything. In My head I knew all my friends could not handle seeing me. Was not looking real good. My heart, though, was broken. I was not angry at them, I just accepted that we are who we are and you cannot change anyone. I am sure your friend has guilt feelings about not being there for you. She really just can't do it and you know what she may make your grief worse (not I tentionally). Forgive her and try not to break up a friendship. Someday you will both be able to discuss everything. It will take time. Sending you warm hugs.

Oh, R., I am so sorry for your loss.

Grief is a tricky thing. When my parents died I kind of withdrew from everything. They were so wrapped up in the fabric of my life that I didn't know how to be anywhere or interact within the knew framework of my life. The framework in which they weren't an active part of the picture.

What your friend has done is thoughtless and insensitive, but she just may not know what to do or how to line out the new reality. If she hasn't had a lot of experience with grief she may, mistakenly, think that there is a specific thing she is supposed to say or do and she may be uncomfortable because she doesn't know what that is.

It could also be that she doesn't feel like she has the right to grieve since they weren't her parents but yours. She may not be able to talk to you about it without feeling her own grief and that could make her feel selfish and guilty. But then, imagine saying to you, "I'm sorry, I know you lost your parents, but I can't talk to you about that because it is to painful for me." Man, would that make her sound like a tool.

Maybe you should bring it up with her in the context of what it has seemed like, but you just can't imagine, knowing her as long as you have, that what you have witnessed and how you have read it could be right. Give her a chance to be open with you. Let her know that you don't mean to make her uncomfortable but that you need your friend right now, so she needs to tell you what it is that's going on even if she thinks it will upset you.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of and praying for you.

I am so sorry for your loss of your parents and the close friendship you have with your friend. Its just as big of a loss for her as it is for you. She chose to be with your family over hers. Thats rare...I mean really rare. Was your family the "dream family" to her. Is she in total shock? It sounds like she is haveing a REALLY hard time figuring where she fits in and how to handle the loss of her "other " set of parents. I am sorry she isnt dealing with this properly but rarely does the entire group of ppl do it right. We all deal in our own ways. I wonder if she isnt wondering why she didnt receive a phone call, flowers, where she actually fits in and the reality of its not actually her parents. This apparently isnt like her normal behavior. She might be devistated. She might be blocking, avoiding and burring her feelings deep down. Sorry if this wasnt sensitive to your loss. I dont mean to come off as harsh but kindly wishing to point out its her loss too.

First, I am so sorry for your loss.

I am also sorry for the difficulties that you are experiencing in your friendship. As many others have noted, everyone grieves differently... It is also true that many people do not know how to act or what to say in the face of deep grief, and so say nothing at all. It is a way of coping, this avoidance, and it can be so painful for all involved.

If it were me, I think I would invite this friend for a walk. No expectations, no words necessary. Just be together, move together, talk about the weather or nothing at all. At the risk of sounding totally cheesy: these could be the first steps towards healing your friendship at a time when it seems you could really use a friend. If this is not your style, maybe invite her to see a movie together. Rebuild, renew. Get through that initial awkwardness (which for her might be "I don't know what to say"). Maybe it's not fair for you to take the initiative to repair the relationship as you have the work of grieving to do... A lot is unfair. In the end, if this friend is important to you, I would give it a try.

Good luck. Sending some peace your way...

Hi, R.:

I am saddened by the fact that you lost both parents in a tragic car accident. It must be a terrible shock to go through such a traumatic event.

Many people are not able to handle a tragic event. You might call it, denial. Your friend is not able to handle this loss.

It is normal to retreat from the world of events to heal. It will take at least 3 years to get through this pain and suffering. Get through it you must. Set time aside for yourself and the grieving process.

Let your friend go and discover another friend whom you can share your grief with.

Take care of yourself and your family, they are grieving with you.

D.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

People vary in their ability to handle death and grief. I'm not making excuses for your friend by any means, but she apparently is someone who can't deal with them at all.

That said, she's not being a good friend by not meeting your needs, real friends are there for us through bad times as well as good times. Unfortunately they often let us down when we're at our lowest. And giving to the charity of HER choice and telling you was just plain insensitive, she made your loss about her. She also doesn't understand that people don't "get over the majority" of their grief in three weeks (I wish!!)

Forgive her (remember, you forgive for yourself, not her) and move forward without her in your life. If you run into her of course you'll be civil, you just won't seek her out. If she calls, you're "busy." Join a grief support group, others have experienced this as well. Take care of yourself as you move through your grief, no one else can do that for you. This is a sad lesson to have to learn on top of your loss, but at least you now know how she really is.

Know it may be awhile before you feel like going to gatherings with all your friends, it's a part of grief and depression, common after a loss. See your doctor just to make sure you're not depressed, if you are treatment can help.

Hugs.

here's the deal: she is unable to cope. & I believe you, too, are struggling. Leave her be. Walk away, without words.....& one day, perhaps, you will reunite. In your own way, you are judging her for not being You. & that's not fair...no matter how uncaring she seems. :)

that said, here's the rest of my thoughts: my Dad passed away 3.5 years ago. I just mentioned yesterday that I still "trigger" in my grief. But it's a healthy release, & I feel better afterwards. A few tears, sometimes sobs, & I embrace my thoughts of him & move on.

The year my Dad died, we also lost my beloved MIL. In coping with their grief, my ILs refused to gather...refused to participate in life events....& suffered horribly due to their inability to move forward....together as a Family.

By contrast, my family continued to gather....continued to support each other....& did not lose any of our time together. We were able to carry each other thru the Hell of dealing with Dad's estate & our Evil Stepmom. & we survived much easier than my ILs.

(sigh) my ILs did not gather until the following year. They mourned their "lost time", & acknowledged that Life would have been easier together. Sadly, tho', we are now reduced to gathering at Christmas. Such a sad loss...for us....for our children.....& for the generations to follow. They will miss knowing our time together as a Family.

When my family made our choice to stay together, it was a decision we never regretted. We are stronger now. We understand each other more deeply. It is a Gift. & (sigh) since then, many of our friends have lost their parents. They, too, are gathering with their remaining Family & with us. We were friends as children/teens....& now we're back together. Such a Blessing inside our darkest times.

Please open your Heart & start gathering again! The world will seem so much brighter.....& you will no longer feel stunted. I wish you Peace.

I am so sorry for your your loss. I think it is important to keep in mind that everyone deals with grief differently. I have a close friend whose parents died unexpectedly 5 years apart. Both times she withdrew and stopped talking to me for almost a year (wouldnt reply to voice mail, email, etc). The first time I was shocked because we were so close, but after almost a year she reconnected as if nothing had happened. I understood from her behavior that it was a terrible experience for her, she needed to heal on her own, and she just didnt want to talk about it. So, I respected her unspoken request and to this day we have never discussed it. It sounds like your friend may not want to revisit the emotional experience and might assume that you feel the same way. If there are other valuable aspects to the relationship, perhaps you should focus on those and move forward with her. If you really cant get past it, then perhaps you need to let her know how you feel and once you get it off your chest you will be able to move forward with this relationship. But keep in mind that some people are not comfortable discussing difficult, emotional topics, and that is just part of who they are. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

R., I am SO sorry. I couldn't be friends with this woman anymore after this, if this had happened to me. She is a tremendously selfish person. I haven't read the other posts, but if anyone tells you that you need to give her a pass, discount that advice.

The only way she is going to learn anything is to lose a close family member. Then all of a sudden, she will realize how important it is to hear from people.

Please stay away from this person until you feel a LOT stronger. And then treat her only as an acquaintance.

I promise you that this is the best thing that you can do.

Dawn

First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your parents. Don't know how you're managing-I can barely write and nothing will sound as heartfelt as I would like it to. My little girl went to IU-love it and the people in Indiana-it's a beautiful area. Hope Jake is doing well-couldn't read the entire story, crying too hard, went to the end to see how his recovery progressed-God bless you all on that crushing ordeal. I have friends whose son sustained a serious head injury; he was the little boy who was hit on River Road, in the village, by a car.
Anyway, I feel like the friend you describe is exactly my friend whom I've known since 1977. She grew up in a household where the dad cheated on the mom-he was always "working". Even a child figures out that dad cannot possibly work that much and when he's home, there is always fighting and tumult. As years passed, the coping mechanism became not to discuss it, and , therefore, it did not happen. And even if it did, it is not as bad if you don't talk about it. When my brother was killed by a drunk driver, she did not come to my hometown to support me. When my son died, she did not come home to visit me. When my children's father died, and I had to relocate to her area for a year and a half, she came over twice and she was living within two miles from the house. Yet, I went over to help her with her children and her housework, etc. She has visited my daughter and her sons , I think once in a little over three years and they live 11 miles away. The last time I was down there, she said she had to help her 18 year old son read "Hamlet" and wouldn't come visit me at my daughter's house-she has seen my little Grandson maybe once or twice and he will be two in June. Whatever, that's how they roll. I am going through another divorce, have been thrust into poverty as a result, and do you think she has visited me once? No, she has not been to my home in probably nine years or so. They act like you simply lost your wallet and had to go through the inconvenience of calling all the credit card companies to cancel your accounts-not like the loss was so deep, you're wondering how you will live another day. Know this, strangers are praying for you and your family, and I am sending you all my best wishes, thoughts and prayers. I know how lonely it is to feel like your best friend is not there for you and I feel like it won't even help to talk to her about this-she will think you're crazy and not even show a scintilla of understanding. Take care-I will be thinking of you-especially on Easter Sunday.

i'm like jo if i am greatly affected by the person who died or their survivor then i run and avoid because i care and am horrible with death. I can be there for someone who wasnt close to M. easily, but then for M. its awkward to return to the friend and avoid the fact i was such a crappy friend in regards to death
i really am trying to work on it

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry for your loss. How awful!

I will say this: Please forgive your friend. Imagine yourself in her position, if you can. Talk about it? Don't talk about it? She doesn't know what's okay to discuss and doesn't want you to hurt any more.

I would get together with her. Don't expect anything. In fact, you need to talk to her and, if you feel okay with talking about your parents and what happened, tell her so. Tell her it's okay to discuss. That she doesn't need to avoid it like the plague. Let her know that you NEED her support, and that you need her to get over feeling uncomfortable around you.

If there are others who are also avoiding discussion about what happened, you should get together with them or call them as well. Talk with them frankly and let them know that it's more uncomfortable being around people who avoid the topic than anything else.

Don't blame them completely, dear. They're just trying to help.

In your grief, I think you might be a little h*** o* her. She's grieving too.

Don't hold a grudge. She may or may not have been rude, but that's ok. Everyone is entitled to handle things badly sometimes. That's what it means when people "give them the benefit of the doubt".

If you won't ignore some small things and generally have a very short term memory - how does any of us keep any friends - or stay married? :)

It's obvious you're hurting and want to lash out. That's ok - you're grieving.

But when your grieving time is over, it's important to let ALL of grieving time be over and hold no grudges. :)
___________________________
just read your SWH, if you're still upset and holding a grudge from several years ago, why are you still friends with her?

I think the 3 weeks where she didn't communicate were probably a combination of her not knowing what to do or say to comfort you and her dealing with her own grief. If she was close to your parents, don't discount her grief. That said, she obviously didn't handle herself well esp. with the donation. I can see why people might object to a church, but a food bank? Odd unless she didn't have the money to make a significant donation and didn't want you to see how little she could give. You never know. As for you "getting over it" you probably won't. That's just the truth. Instead you have to focus on 1. can you forgive her (but you won't forget so you need to let that go) and 2. is your friendship worth the work it will take to repair it? IF you can forgive her and want to move forward, then you need to admit there is an elephant in the room and talk about it. If she's truly your friend, she will talk it over with you and explain herself. Start with, "you probably didn't mean to but you really hurt my feelings when..."

I am so sorry for your loss, I couldn't imagine the pain you're going through. I'm sure your friend feels the same way and I know it's difficult to deal with an issue with a friend when you're already dealing with so much.

Have you ever talked to this friend about her absenteeism both before and now? I have a friend who lost who baby unexpectedly last year and I just asked her what do you or don't you need from me? I felt comfortable to ask my friend this, but your friend may not, even though you're close. I think you need to talk to her about what you need from her and why what she's doing is hurting you. If you don't tell her she may just not know how to deal. If her ignoring the situation in the past was never addressed then she may assume that that's what you want now since it "worked" for her in the past. If after having this conversation she is still not being a good and supportive friend then I would cut ties or hold her at arms length since, even with the information, she continued to leave you when you need her most.