How Do I Get My 25 Year Old Daughter to Understand About Relationships?

Agree with previous posters. A man with that many broken relationships and scattered seed is not a keeper.

I think you should support her decision. She's the one in the relationship - you can't possibly know everything or exactly what she feels - and she needs to do what she feels is right for her at this moment.

My own opinions aside. Trust her gut. He may be a nice guy, but maybe he is not for her. Ultimately, she is responsible for her own happiness. If it is meant to be, they are both old enough to work through their issues on their own. I believe a Mom's job is to be there to listen and to catch them or at least help them up when they fall.

I can honestly say that, even though this guy may have been "nice", he's bringing on trouble for her at such a young age. No matter how nice this guy is, here's the obstacles that she has to face, along with normal relationship problems:

1. he's 11 years older than her. (he's gone through many life experiences that she has yet to face)
2. he's been married and divorced (couldn't learn to overcome problems in a marriage)
3. he already has an ex wife to deal with concerning his 2 children, that your daughter could eventually automatically become step mother to
4. he already has an ex-girlfriend to deal with concerning a child, and another baby on the way, that your daughter could be step-mother to.
5. your daughter could potentionally become step-mother to FOUR children the day she marries this guy, and would carry ALL of his past baggage, including lack of money due to child support to 4 children.
6. is this man going to want to have a 5th or 6th child with your daughter knowing that he's already responsible financially and emotionally to 4 other children by two other women. Isn't he spread out too thin as it is now?
7. is it possible that you're projecting your wants of "happiness" onto your daughter, and what your level of a "good guy" is onto your daughter, since you've had three marriages yourself?
8. what is a 36 year old man doing with a 25 year old girl? What life experiences and interests could they share?

At the end of the day, he can be as nice as anything, but his track record shows he's not very good with relationships, nor very responsible. Oh, he may take care of his kids after they're here, but where's his responsibility to prevent these pregnancies? He was married with 2 children, divorced. So he hooks up with someone else and gets her pregnant... twice? How can he emotionally and financially afford this?

I say, let her figure it out on her own. Of course she's still going to have feelings for him and it may be hard for her to let him go. You don't stop caring for someone over night. But she's trying to move on, let her. It sounds like you are more interested in him (for her) than she is at this point.

If it were my daughter I'd be telling her that I was proud of her for taking such a step. To walk away from a nice that she really doesn't need to be involved in at such a young age. He's got too much on his plate and that means she doesn't want to deal with HIS baggage. Good for her!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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So the guy is 36, been married with two children, has an ex-girlfriend and a child with her, and has a baby due soon????? WHAT A SMART DAUGHTER YOU HAVE!!
Geez, good thing she got out of there before she became the next in line of baby mama!
So what if he has a job, pays child support and is attentive? How can he POSSIBLY have enough time to see all three of his kids...soon to be four, and spend time with your daughter? She deserves someone who can focus on her!
I say support her 100%. I wish I had made that decision at her age, instead, I have a fabulous son with a man who has never met him (and I was 5th in line of Baby Mama Drama, although it was unknowingly).
L.

Good for your daughter!! She sounds like she knows what she wants and doesn't want. No baby drama or "ex" drama or step-kid drama for her. She'll meet the right guy when the right guy comes along. She is only 25. She is too young to be put in this role as a step-mom to 4 children. He sounds really immature to me ... a 4 kids with 3 different women. Why would she want to get involved with that??? Doesn't sounds like this guy jas good judgement. I would just leave her alone and let her live her life.

Mind your own business, mom. Your daughter is an adult and if she thinks it's better that she let this guy go, then she made the right decision for herself.

At 36, he does not sound like such a great guy to me. Divorcing mom with whom he had 2 children and then a 2 yr old with "another girl" and a baby on the way? Is baby on the way with "another girl" or another "another girl".

I think your daughter is beginning to get her head on straight. This is disaster waiting to happen.........why continue a relationship and enter into possible marriage ( or another baby mama) when there is already so much baggage.

Bless your daughter for having insight. Keep your mouth shut and hope she actually learned something positive.

To be honest, I'd be hesitant about him, just like your daughter is--not necessarily because of the age difference, but because at the age of 36 he already has 4 kids by two different women, and your daughter would be #3. This does not say a lot to me about HIS level of maturity regarding relationships. People can, of course, change, but if baby #4 isn't even born yet, that relationship must still be relatively fresh, and that raises more red flags for me.

At 25, your daughter is still young, and I think it's fine for her to decide that she's not ready for the level of commitment that comes with dating a man with 4 kids. I didn't get married until I was 30--which, admittedly, caused some concern from my parents, who I think despaired of my ever finding "the one"--but I held out for the good one, and am thankful every day that I have the best husband the the world, the best father imaginable for my kids, and I have no doubt that he will be there for us forever, no matter what. In the end, it's your daughter's heart, and her life, and she has to do what she believes is best.

Your daughter is smart. He doesn't sound very responsible, making a bunch of babies and not living with them and raising them. Child support is not enough.

I think your daughter is very wise. She may end up being the next Baby Mama in line........ Absolutely support her decision!

!

She is 25 you have to let her do what she feels is right for her. If she asks your opinion tell her but if not keep it to yourself. I am the same age as your daughter (now given I am married with 2 kids) but if I were in her situation this is what I would want from my mother.

Support her decision. It's nice that this guy is attentive and all to his many girls and children- but do you really want your daughter to be just another number to him with just another kid to support? Seriously- I am divorced and the more kids he has with the more people, the smaller the pie gets!

Your daughter is young. She doesn't 'need' to be with anyone seriously right now, let alone a man a decade older with a bunch of ex's and kids to support. Trust your daughter's judgment on this one- after all, who really knows this guy better, her or you?

I agree with what all the other ladies have said. But just wanted to add that your daughter is an ADULT. You should not be trying get her to "understand" anything. You role as a parent now is not to "parent" her. The time of "control" over your daughter is gone. It's her life now and only she has the right to make her choices and learn life's lessons. So to answer your question - you should silently support her decision.

If you think this guy is so great, I don't want to know about the previous men in her life. Of course she's scared of the mama drama, she's to young and probably to smart to deal with that.

If I were you, I'd be appaulding her for making the "right" decission. She doesn't need a man with so much baggage, and luckily she's smart enough to realize it. I would encourage her to have a traditional relationship with a man who has no children out of wedlock, is closer to her age, and someone that she shares common interest with.

She is 25 - a grown woman. If she solicits your opinion, I would tell her that you are concerned about how your past behavior has affected her ability to have a serious relationship, that you are interested in seeing her happy and suggest that she sees a therapist to deal with any issues that may be remnants of her unstable childhood.
Other than that just listen and be there for her.
Good luck!

Sorry no disrespect, but your daughter sounds like the smart one here. How is someone who obviously does not practice birth control responsible. Just because he pays child support does not make him responsible. It takes a lot more then writing a check to be a parent. I think your daughter made a good decision and I would support it. Being a step parent is not easy and if she is not up for the challenge good for her for walking away. Unless she is totally and completely in love with this guy and willing to give 100% to this type of relationship why should she stay in it. She has no ties to him and made a clean break good for her. I bet there are a lot of mom's here living with heartache because their children have made poor relationship choices. Good for her it sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders!!!! Support her, I wouldn't try to talk her into a very difficult relationship. Do you have any idea what being in a relationship with a guy who has 4 children by two different mothers, and may want to have children on her own.

"Nice" guy? 36 years old, 3 kids, O. on the way and at least 3 Baby Mamas? Hmmmm....sounds really nice...NOT! Sounds like she knows what she's doing. Support her. Encourage her to keep looking for an unattached, childless twenty-something guy.

Congratulations to your daugther! She should run not walk as fast as possible from this man. It is NOT normal to go around making babies with multiple women. If she stayed with him, she would have to deal with the two baby mamas FOREVER.

Four months is not a long relationship - and your daughter is only 25. She doesn't need this baggage. I didn't get married until I was 33 and I met my husband when I was 31. Believe me, I had plenty of boyfriends between 25 and 31!

Relax Mom, and let your daughter be cautious. Honestly, you admitted to having been married 3 times. And her father? She has reason to be cautious and better safe than sorry!

Good luck with letting go - it isn't easy for any Mama. C.

I just have to say that NO the guy is NOT responsible. If I'm counting right, he is divorced with 3 kids from 2 different women and another one on the way from another woman, correct? Your daughter was extremely smart to get as far away from this guy as possible. She needs to let him focus on his kids before she becomes the next baby factory for him and yet another child is damaged by not having a stable home with daddy in it. Why as a mother would you even want your daughter to have anything to do with a guy like this? I suggest you both read "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives." Also, I think you are way too involved in her relationships and how she handles them. Stay out of it and let her make her own decisions without your opinions. When she finally does find "Mr. Right" it won't be healthy for her to come running to you every time she is upset with him.

Hi, L.:
You already know the answer. Support your daughter's decision.
She has a right to be wrong if wrong she is!
Have you thought about going to a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting.
Check the web at CoDA.org

Good luck. D.

WOW!!! 3 kids and one on the way, i would be thankful my daughter broke it off. I would not want my young 25 yr old daughter dating a man that seems to go from one women to another. He was with your daughter for 4 months, and how far along is the mother of the baby that is due?? Way too much for a 25 yr old who doent have any children of her own!

I would let her do what she thinks is right. He does have alot of drama going on with the baby's mama.. He already has three kids and now has another one on the way. While he might be a nice guy that is a lot for anyone to deal with. She has the right to be with someone who does not have any kids already. May be she would like to have kids one day and be with someone who wants to have some too. A big part of the reason that i am an older mom is because most men that i met already had kids. I am happy that i held out for someone else in my age group who did not have kids already. I am glad to share my experience of having a child with my fiancee. I think that it was a good decision on my part. I think she has a good head on her shoulders and will find someone without all the drama.

Hi L., Are you serious? No really why would you want your daughter with a "nice" guy that has 3 kids with two different women and another one "on the way"? Even if he is responsible and attentive he sounds like a player that likes to just keep movin' on. Maybe your daughter is scared of relationships...but it sounds like he is moving too fast if Mama #2 is still pregnant and now he's trying to get serious with your daughter!! Whoa! Support your daughters decision to move on....IMO she made the smart decision! Best wishes.

Did you say 4 kids and 3 mommy's? Give that girl some support!

Your daughter made the right decision! They've been dating for 4 months, yet he has another baby on the way with some other woman? How long after the conception of that child did they start dating?? This guys sounds callous and irresponsible to me! Support your daugther's decision. She's very young and doesn't need to settle for a guy like this.

PS she may be wearing the necklace because she likes it - not because of the person who gave it to her!

If this great guy has a baby due with another woman, why would you want him for your daughter? That confuses me.

This man may be wonderful in his own ways, but I would hope for my daughter to love and be loved by someone on her level. If she had failed marriages and children to multiple men then maybe they would be a perfect match. Whatever emotional blocks your daughter may have to move to have a great relationship, she deserves to try and do it with an equal partner.

She really needs to ruminate about it herself... but granted, being able to talk to you about it.

He has a lot of baggage to deal with, granted as you said he is a nice guy and seems to care about her.
But... for a 25 year old woman, who never was married nor has kids herself... and this being her 1st serious relationship... all of that can be a LOT to deal with.. .and if she is not ready for that, she is not ready for that.
A woman, needs to come to her own conclusions about it... I mean, the guy has a lot of kids, already. And it is a baby mama drama. No matter what, if she continues the relationship.. then that legacy would impact her too. Not all people would want that. And, they were only together for 4 months... that's not long.

She is needing time to think. So at least she recognizes that. Instead of "blindly" doing things or continuing it. She is right... to step back and think about it, on her own. Then maybe when she feels so, maybe they will both talk about it. But that is up to them.

She is young... and to have a man in her life, with 4 kids, from different women... is well, not real peachy. He's already been there done that sort of thing... and she has not. She also has a right to experience life/a man, as she envisions it too... and the kind of man she wants.

If she is afraid of moving too fast, or scared of a "real" relationship.. that is HER call. And who knows if this was a real relationship... since it has only been 4 months. If I were that young, and was involved with a man with 4 kids and had been married... I would take a long hard look at it too, and re-evaluate things. At least she is not being "blind" to his situation... and how that will impact her. Because it will. She will be involved with a man... that is also the man of other women even if he is not married to them.... but because they all had kids with him. And paying child support for 4 kids, from different women... well, that is a big thing. He will never be "free" of that.

Just be there for her... but don't tell her what you want her to do. She has to come to a realization for herself. And, there are plenty of fish in the sea, too. She is young.

I think, your daughter is doing the right thing. It is not an easy decision... but she HAS to think about the entire scenario... that man, has a LOT of baggage. NO matter how "nice" he is. He has a LOT of baggage... which then represents some BAD decisions on his part. THAT reflects on his sense of judgment. And I, as a Mom... would not be keen on my daughter being with a man, like that.
I once broke up with a man, older than me... that was a GREAT guy... but, his place in life was different than mine. I was just not ready for things and there was a bit of a difference in life goals and preferences. I never regretted it. Everyone thought I gave up a great guy and prospect. But it was my decision, that was right for me. Now... well I am married to the guy I wanted to marry. My hubby! And, it felt right. That is the main thing. It felt right.

And, that Ex boyfriend of hers... does NOT seem real stable.. I mean, he is always getting girls pregnant! And the relationships do not seem to last very long. Red flag. Your daughter is WISE to step back. She has to be rational. She WILL meet other great guys. Really.
Make sure she does not get pregnant, by him. He has a pattern of impregnating women... married or not. That means... he is NOT using condoms or birth control.
I would, if I were her, also go to the Doctor to check for STD's.

All the best,
Susan

well I think as a mother u have to let her experience life and men she is not sure what she wants right now it sounds like she just wanna date with no real responsiblitys and I think thats fine I also think as a mother with a young daughter u should be able to voice ur opinion with respect and concern about her feelings and it will help her to know she can count on u no matter what the issue is and its always nice to have a mom who has ur back and have enough heart to let her baby make mistakes but at the end of the day she will thank u for being there and not leituring her about her own choices keep up the good work mom

When I was young and single, I always wanted a man who didn't flirt, because I knew that if he flirted BEFORE marriage, he no doubt would continue and I couldn't trust him. Thankfully by awaiting and keeping myself pure for a man whom I knew that I could trust, God led me to the one He had planned for me. By living by the rules of the Good Book, we are kept from thousands of heartaches and undesirable circumstances. God can keep us FROM getting into sticky situations and lead us to a truly happy home and family.

When I was 25, I wouldn't have even gone out with a man like this and I wouldn't now! At least half of his check should be allotted for child support and not to mention his free time.

I think he might just have too much baggage for her. She may love him but accepting to marry in an already compromised family situation (children from different mothers etc,,) is an entirely different thing. Perhaps she thinks she will have one day a man and babies all for herself, there's nothing wrong with this. There's nothing wrong in wanting it "perfect", there's always time to settle for anything less than perfection (most of us had to, some chose not to)...why don't you ask her if that's it? You are her mother who should she talk to about these things if not you? I TOTALLY disagree with others that say you should keep your mouth shut. At least open it for asking questions, you never know you hit the right spot and she starts tellling you all about it. You have so much experience in the field too, so who can be better than you in helping her?

Are you sure this man is the blue prince you think he is? because it sounds to me he is just another frog to kiss before the real prince appears.
I honestly think your daughter is making the right decision, he has kids from different women, why didn't those relationships worked? what makes you think he will be different with your daughter?
Could you forgive yourself if you steer your daughter back to him and she ends up pregnant and single like the other girl?
I really think you should support her, she sounds like she made a decision and is trying to move on,
good luck!

Actually... I applaud her. At 25, she realized that she wasn't ready to step into a serious longterm relationship where she would have to be a mother role model to his other children. I do understand that these children already have mothers, but she would still have to be a parental role model when the kids were with him. And she doesn't want that right now. She has other priorities... Perhaps she recognizes she has some selfish or 'me first' attitudes that would conflict with the reality of his lifestyle.

She wants to be an unencumbered twenty-something.... and she wants an unencumbered 20-something to date. I think that's fine. It's age appropriate. If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't push it. Support her decision. She's not ready for marriage and wants to explore other opportunities. She might not know exactly what she wants (in life), but she recognized what she did not want... Good for her for being honest with herself and knowing what will and won't make her happy.

Your daughter is 25. She may have her own reasons for the break-up that she doesn't want to share. She may not have been readey to deal with his kids or "baby mama drama" as you put it. Give her time. She may change her mind, or may find another guy thats right for her.

I think you should support her decision. It's hard to deal with children from a different relationship and not one, but TWO exes who will be in her life constantly because of the 4 children. As someone else said if the 4th baby isn't even born yet that relationship most not have been over for very long. I think your daughter is right to take space from this guy. He may have a job and pay child support, but that doesn't mean he is good to be in a relationship with.

She's 25. she's old enough to make her own decision about her romantic life.

Support her decision. I think she understand relationships better than a lot of people she has had around her. She's going to be alright!

They say if you love someone let them go if they come back there yours forever. Maybe she needs space and then she will realize a mistake has been made. If not it was not meant to be. I know all about the Baby Mama Drama go through it all the time it is so hard to deal with. This relationship was still new if she is not ready she is not ready!! She should not be pressured. Maybe she has the right idea to run. Support her decision!!

Your daughter is still quite young. Maybe she is not ready for the huge responsibility of helping to raise someone else's children. You should 100% support her decision.

If their love is real then hopefully things will work out. He sounds like he has a lot going on right now he has to focus on - new baby etc. I think your daughter is very smart in keeping her distance at this time instead of trying to force a role for herself.

If you are concerned about your daughter and serious realtionships you should discuss that issue. Let me share something with you though. Both of my parents were divorced twice. I am thirty-nine. I have been married for thirteen years to my first love. I will have known him for twenty this May. My sister has been married for ten years. I have two step-sisters. One has been married for over five years, the other is in a committed, loving realtionship for over 10. My one step-sister truly is afraid of marraige. Most of the marraiges she has witnessed have been unhappy. However, she is a very intelligent woman with a supportive man who loves her dearly.

Be open with your daughter about how you feel your mistakes may have hurt her. Talk about it, but try not to unintentionally force her to commit to a relationship that may not be right especially one with children involved already. She has plenty of time don't rush her.

Good luck.

C.

I agree with everyone else that this guy is not Prince Charming, but even if he was, you have to support your daughter. She's 25, not 15, and she needs her relationship with her mother to be something she can count on, no matter what.

Yes, you need to support her decision, which is probably right move, she's plenty young to find the right man. I'm not saying this guy isn't a good guy, but 3 kids by two different women, that could be a LOT of baby momma drama that she doesn't need to deal with. Especially with the one on the way, that momma might still be in love and hoping once the baby comes everything will work out between the two of them for the baby. And at 36 if he's over reacting to having a little space, I think that's a good indication of problems ahead for her.
Maybe she's learned from you, that she doesn't want to get married 3 times, just once. Look back at your own life, did you see signs but ignored them when you married 1 and 2? I think you raised a wise daughter and should be very proud. I promise there will be another man who makes her smile and happier. She's not ready and I don't think you should encourage her to doubt herself.

Support her decision. There may be things going on in their relationship that you are unaware of or that your daughter just feels uncomfortable about. Instead of critizing her, praise her for making the choices that are best for her and make it clear that you will always support her, even if you disagree.