How Do I Explain......

Hello,
I am sorry that your ex is trying to cause problems. I do have a couple of suggestions, though.

first off, record everything. Keep a notebook with all this information, when he visits the children, how long the visit lasts, does he pick them up/you drop them off, who innitiated the visit? was it him, you, or the children? any conversations that you have wiht him regarding the children, comments he makes to you or hte kids.

as far as the money goes, frankly it is none of her business what you do with it as long as it is going to things for her. for instance, on the rare occasion that the wonderful state of NJ manages to send me my child support, it usually ocmes in alump sum for the month. I take it and go grocery shopping. my boyfriend, our son, me and my daughter all have to eat. I dont' work, I stay home with the kids. my boyfriend supports us all, including my daughter, who is not his, but who he has been raising since she was 21/2. (she is now 6)I may take some of that money and get gas for the car. If we have no gas, then cliff can't get to work. he takes the bus from pennsylvania to manhattan every day to support us. as far as I am concerned, the cs money that I spend on gas to get cliff to the bus so he can get to work and make money to pay all the bills, buy the children's toys, clothes, pay the health bills (my girl has no insurance righ tnow. any dr visits or shots cliff pays for.) is actually money being used for my girl's best interest. therefore, her dead beat daddy can take a flying leap if he has anything to say about it!

Now, the wonderful state of NJ has implemented this debit card thing called the eppicard, which the child support goes directly into. I actually take it out and put it in my bank, because I don't want to pay the extra fees, and we are allowed one free withdrawl from the card per deposit. BUT if you don't have this brilliant piece of plastic, then I do suggest that you go and get a seperate account for just the child support. that way any bill, groceries, clothing, etc that you spend that money on is documented. If your ex has an issue and decides to push the matter, you can show exactly where the money went and that you aren't using it to go party every night or whatever.

As for your girl, she is a child, and I see nothing wrong wiht telling her that because she is a child, she will not be allowed to question what you do or don't do. The fact is, you are supposed to use the child support money in a way to benefit her. Not to hand it over to her. If that was the case, it would come in her name, Or be placed in some kind of trust until seh is old enought to use it. And you may want to tell your ex that if he is so concerned with his 10 year old having money to piss away on nonsence, that he is welcome to give her some sort of allowence on his own. I am sure that will shut him right up.

If he is so bent on causing problems for you on the rare occasions he decides to show, maybe you may want to consider talking to a lawyer or your case worker about getting him to relinquish his rights. then he doesn't have to pay you, or see the children. I don't know if that is really an option for you, or if you could afford to lose his money, but it is something to think about.

I hope this helped some. good luck.

I have an 8 year old son that who father also likes to cause problems for me. He went as fat as taking me to court because he thought that I used the money on my other son. Listen all you have to do is try to ignore him as much as possible because no matter what you say or what you do to prove that it is not the way he says it is they will always have something to say. I know that this doesn't sound like the best advice but it comes from experience dealing with my own BABY DADDY DRAMA!!! Funny thing is that I don't say anything to him when he forgets to pick my son up on his weekend. Because that is true drama there. But reallu, just keep your head held high and focus on the future sooner or later once he realizes that he cannot get to you anymore he will let it go.

Geez, that's a really tough one. Sounds like he just doesn't get it, no matter how you break it down for him. My oldest daughter's father pulled that same trick, and didn't pay support for years once he moved out of state. I guess he thought it wouldn't catch up with him. Well he must have hit lotto back in 2000, cause I suddenly got a check for $12,000! I put it away, and it paid for most of her first year of college~ :) But that money isn't to hand your kid for her own amusement. If you add up things, food, clothes, driving the car to get her to appointments and school and after school activities, doctor visits, all these things add up and I"m sure his support doesn't cover all these things, though he'd probably not believe you. She also adds money to your utility bills... what, does this guy want you to estimate every drop of water, every watt of electricity, before he'll believe you? That money is not for her entertainment, it's for her SUSTENANCE. I'd use that line on him: not that he'd listen anyway, what a pain in the butt he's being~ Good luck~~~

My husband and I are also divorced and at one point he threw the same "where does my money go" question at me. In response I told him that my finances were none of his business. When he said the money should just go to our son I responded by saying that until he sees his child without food, a roof over his head, electricity in his house, a phone he can be contacted on, the proper amount of clothes or any other necessity that he can gurantee the money is going where the money needs to go. Unless he thinks his child is going without for some reason, then he has no business to question it.

As my son is only three my ex has never brought him into it. A ten year old should not have to be worrying about money, no matter how mature she is, especially in the context of her parents. It is wrong for him to even discuss this with her.

J.

Hello S.,

From a personal perspective, my father growing up was one of those invisible fathers. The type that was there but not really there, if you catch my drift. Children are smart and pick up on everything. As an eight year old, I KNEW that my father hated me and my siblings, and the only thing I remember thinking as an eight year old was, "When is he going to leave?"

Just embrace her, and be positive. Let her know that the majority of the child support that is going for her is being put away for college money, so she may not see it now, but she will see it when she's in college, etc. Plus, your ex probably has nothing going on in his life, so he wants to start stife on purpose. I have a friend who was a single mom, and after she re-married, her ex decided that since he had no life, he would make her life miserable, and his two kids that they had between eachother. The point is this: children pick up on everything. Don't argue in front of your daughter, and what my friend finally said to her ex was this: you can choose to use that type of behavior outside of my house, but not in front of me and the children. And she records in a notebook every detail and incident, date, and what happened, so that IF a court date ever came down to it, she would have proof to back it up. Also, check into your location for Legal Services. I plan on being a probate attorney in the future, and I am going to do my fees based on sliding scale, and if parents fall under a percentage of income, they get free help. There are so many resources out there - ask around. There are sole law firms who do pro bono work; the firm I work for is federally funded, and individuals who fall below a certain income get free help, and those who fall in-between get low cost fees at other firms. "Legal Services" seems to be the main name, but do a google search and type in the name of your state and
"Free Legal Help." Good luck!

S., I am also in court with my Ex, and when we went to court the court appointed a Law Gaurdian for my daughter's. It's their Lawyer, and only their Lawyer, no cost to me, it is court appointed. Did the court's appoint a Law Gaurdian for your daughter? If so then what you need to do is talk to the Law Gaurdian tell him/her what is happing. That is something that DOES NOT have to be discussed with her/to her.I know explaining to him about this matter is like beating your head into a brick wall, but if he wants to talk to you about this matter than he needs to talk to you and you only!! With out your daughter listening. If that doesn't work then I am sorry but you might have to go back to court. See in my court order it states that anything, and I do mean anything that relates to custody issues (child support included) can NOT be discussed infront of or to the girls) The girls Law Gaurdian had that put in there. So find out if your daughter has a Law GAurdian and talk to him/her. That would be your best step and the first step to take. Let me know if I can help anymore. Oh one more thing GOD BLESS YOU being a single mom of 7 give yourself a pat on your back from me!!

Hi S.!
I think I would explain that the court ordered ("that's like a law") that he pay the child support to you ("me"). That's so that I can provide your home, electricity, tv, new school supplies, clothes, every snack/meal, field trips, activities etc. That is what child support is - - - it is not allowance. When she's 18 (or 21 whatever your order states) then he can give her the money, but until then, the money is required so that you give her a home, clothing, food etc. Hell... if he wants to give HER extra money, he is free to do that. :) You don't need a lawyer for this issue. Don't worry about it :) Show her how much your mortgage, grocery bills, electricity, cable costs. She'll understand when you show that to her.

OMG, you married my ex!!
LOL
I had one of those...insists that that puny check covers everything and then some.
OK, first, you can file a petition by your self at family court....they are awesome at assisting. Then when you get to court, you will be adjurned and referred to the Bar Ass. for a free lawyer and your child will be appointed a law guardian if you don't already see one.
When it comes to smoothing over his BS to the child?
I used the actual court percentage....17%
When your daughter understands that she is 17% of your household....show her what 17% of bills amounts to....plus school supplies, school clothes....
lol, wouldn't it be nice to get a new wardrobe every year?
Sure you can live somewhere cheaper....but take a drive through the east side of Buffalo and see if she really wants to live like that.
10 is more than old enough to start to understand budgets.
When my daughter turned 12, we went to court becasue she did NOT want to visit him anymore. I started taking her to see a law guardian so she had a neutral ear to listen to her point of view....Start ASAP...when your ex steps over the line, you'll be ready to take action with a neutral voice to represent your daughters needs.
I could go on for hours about stories and custody issues....but all I can say as a universal advice, keep a journal of things he says and does....EVERYTHING SHOULD BE DOCUMENTED. If you end up in court again, you will have details to back up your complaints and will be less likely to be caught in a slip up by his lawyer who will try to make you look like a liar. Have your daughter start a journal too...its time comsuming, but I started her on MS Word...it helped her to vent and she learned to type. We started it as her typing letter to him (they were never sent, just saved for the lawyers to view her thoughts).
Good luck!!!
Write if you need to vent!
:)
K.