How Do I Deal with 13 Yr Olds Selfies

Take her phone. Her phone is a gift from you for her being responsible with it. She's not being responsible with it, so it's not hers till she can be.

Here's a link to a blog I like - the mom created a contract before she gave her daughter a phone (same age 13). It might be helpful.
https://adiaryofamom.com/2012/07/31/phone-home/

To answer your question about how to approach this:

APPROACH BOLDLY.

Without fear. With no questions asked. With no discussion. With no leniency. Without anger, with politeness, yes, but with no flinching or wishy-washy words.

You calmly say to your daughter: "You have disobeyed the rules about not taking and not sending selfies. You knew the rule and you chose to ignore it. So now you will not have access to a camera, a webcam, a smartphone, or anything else that can take and send photos."

Make sure at this point that she doesn't have a laptop with a webcam, or an iPad, or anything similar.

Then you say "It was a simple and important rule. You'll have to earn the trust back that you broke. For the next [six months, or year, or till the end of the school year], you will not have a smartphone."

It's important that you remain calm, that you keep this about obeying rules and about being trustworthy and reliable. If you let the conversation go to the dangers of selfies, it will just descend into something that she and you already know. When she is getting her learner's permit in a couple of years, I'm sure she will know in her brain about the potential dangers of driving (too fast, driving while texting, etc) but you will establish rules for using the car. No passengers at first. No driving after dark for the first few weeks, etc. She needs to learn NOW that there are two sets of rules that will be enforced. The first is established by the police department, like speed limits and stopping at red lights, etc. The second is established by the parents who own the car. And those vary from family to family, depending on circumstances. Some families forbid the use of the car except to go to work and school. Some limit passengers. Some forbid passengers. Some install apps that limit radio volume and speed. If your daughter can't follow the smartphone rules, and if you don't act now, you will have a rough road ahead.

If she must have a phone because she babysits or goes to team events at school, you get her the kind that just makes and takes calls.

If she balks at this, you simply remove all phone privileges. Password-protect your WiFi.

Approach this seriously, calmly, and without hesitation. Don't allow her to beg for one more chance.

When one of my kids received and held on to revealing photos of the girl he was dating, I removed access to all devices - phone, iPad, laptop, internet via our gaming system - for a long time. There was other stuff going on that, combined together, warranted a 6-month total grounding, including electronics.

She's not mature enough for this, so take it all away. And let her know that because she betrayed your trust and showed lack of judgment, she will have other social privileges revoked until you feel like her head is on straight. And watch the movie "Screenagers" with her, check out Katie Greer (google for her website) and write a formal contract for phone/social media usage that gets implemented before she gets any of these privileges back.

my phone is old. it sends texts and makes phone calls. switch her to a similar phone till she learns responsibility. and can follow your rules regarding selfies and such

I agree with all the posts below saying that you need to take her phone immediately. Take it for long enough that she will feel the loss, and as one post notes -- you need to be much clearer about what a "sexy" pose actually means. She may say "It's a sports bra, I see athletes on TV wearing less and that's considered OK." "It's a bikini--a bathing suit. I'm not nude, mom!" You need to be ready to have a hard and frank talk about what is OK in YOUR world.

Then have clear rules about how exactly she earns back the phone.

When she gets it back, you should have already deleted any social media she uses. Is she on Snapchat? Instagram? Anything else? I would tell her all that is finished, period, and that if you find those or similar apps on her phone in your very regular and totally random, surprise inspections she will lose the phone permanently and get a phone-calls-only basic flip phone. They do exist.

Be aware: You can do all this and she can still take selfies with friends' phones, post things from friends' phones to social media, etc. You need to be vigilant. I would absolutely look up the increasing number of cases where teenagers get into legal trouble for sending or receiving nude or explicit images -- teens are in some cases having to register as sex offenders for possessing such images. She needs to understand that she could end up in front of a judge and so could any boys to whom she sends stuff. No, not a bikini shot, but it's not far from that to a boy persuading her to pose without that bikini. Is she really aware that the boy could put her picture out on the Internet where anyone in the world can see it -- and use it, and manipulate the image, and, and, and....? She may roll her eyes and say, "I know, I know," but that does NOT mean she has any real grasp of what can be done with and to any image of her, and the less she's wearing, the likelier it is the image is going to get passed around -- by kids at school at the least, and on the wider Internet too.

Does her school have a good counseling staff? I would (without telling her) go to them and say that you would like to see them doing presentations for all student about social media use, particularly focused on selfies and sexting (which is where this may head if you don't work on it now). Girls sometimes do incredibly stupid things to impress boys and have zero idea that those things can end up following them for life. I would like to see counseling staffs doing more to repeat to kids over and over that what they think only friends will see is very likely to end up being seen by total strangers.

You mention that "she has been told not to take sexy looking selfies". Has she done that in the past? Did you communicate what "sexy selfies" were? A "sexy selfie" to one person might not be construed the same way to another.

HOWEVER,, she has crossed a line. Since she has shared these photos, they are likely out on the www now with the help of the young boy who may have shared it as well as where ever it may have been posted.

This is something that should have been very clear to her when she got a phone with texting and picture availability. She and others could possible get in legal trouble depending on the "sexiness" of the photos.

Yes, I agree with others to take her phone. I would likely provide her with a flip phone with no internet access, no texting, chat apps, etc.

She must learn to be responsible for her actions for something like this (depending on the severity of the photos) could potential ruin a career or college scholarship down the road.

Our kids have lost their phones for inappropriately using them - that meant, if they did not following the rules we set out at the very beginning, and we review those rules continuously.

Sounds like you already set rules ('told not to take somewhat sexy looking selfies'). I would suggest you be very explicit about what that means. What does 'somewhat sexy' mean? Be absolutely clear. If that means in a bikini - then specify that. Otherwise, if you are vague, you'll get what has happened.

I don't get what the "I miss you" has to do with it - you need to investigate that further. Is this a boy she likes, ... has he asked her to send these photos to him (totally possible, this goes on at our middle school, and then they are forwarded to all the boys/girls in the school, etc. and shared on social media, and there are sites where girls' photos are even rated ... it's really disturbing). You need to become aware of what is going on and go over this with her.

It's the trend unfortunately. I continuously read those articles I get forwarded to me by my friends and mom groups - it's scary stuff. Stay abreast and then discuss with your daughter. If guys are asking her to send them pictures - you have to be ever so vigilant.

I would personally confiscate her phone and tell her that she has to earn it back - and until then you need to have some sit down time with her. Listen, listen, listen ... see what's going on with her these days. Talk about respecting herself but mostly - just open up those lines of communication. You don't want to come down so hard she stops talking to you.

Take the phone. Period.

Who is this boy? Do you know him?

That's your first step -- find out who he is and then speak with his parents. (And, if it turns out that this is someone she's never actually met in person, then you contact the police.)

Then you take away her phone. If she absolutely needs to have one to be able to contact you, then you give her a basic flip phone. They still exist.

time for a "not smart" phone.