How Do I Cope... - Amarillo,TX

I am truly sorry for the situation your ex husband has put you in. My parents divorced when I was very young and mother ALWAYS said horrible, nasty things about my father. I saw him on his regular visitation days and he has always been there for me. Despite the nasty things that my mother said about my father I always knew better. I knew that he was not the person that my mom made him out to be, she is just a mean bitter woman. What I am getting at is people will know the truth just by the way you act, react and deal with situations. Your son, the daycare worker, and anyone else that she slanders your name to will know better. I will confront your ex husband about what she is saying just from the standpoint that if he has any respect for you as his sons mother that he should handle his woman. I would not give her the dignity of a reaction because I am sure that is what she wants.

As hard as the break up was you obviously "got rid of" a pretty crappy husband. (Anyone who cheats emotionally/physically on their wife has to be a pretty crappy husband) The good thing is now she has your old problem, once a cheater always a cheater and I am sure he will cheat on her.

Just know that you are doing everything for your son that you possibly can, and you are trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Good luck!

Maybe this will help you. My ex and I split when my daughter was 5 and the first few years it was pure hell. She was the ultimate daddy's girl even though like in your case he could have cared less about her while we were together, but she did everything possible to get his love. He and his flavor of the week always made it a habit to bad mouth me whenever possible to my daughter. I was terrified I was going to lose my daughter to him and that she would believe all of the hateful things he said. I always took the high road. It was hard as hell, but no matter what I would not talk bad about him to her, and at age 12 he was actually the one to lose her. She told him to never contact her again. She finally saw him for what he truly was and he had done enough emotional damage to her. She will be 17 in a few days and to this day has not spoken to him. Over the last few years she filled me in on all of the things that were said. It was worse than even I could have ever imagined, but she told me she had so much respect for me to not sink to his level and let her decide when the time was right what to do about him.
So no matter what, our kids know who their mommy truly is and deep down no matter what the tie that binds will never be broken.
Happiness is the best revenge. You have your son most of the time so make that time your priority. The first, third and fifth weekend of the month is a very small part of life in the whole grand scheme of things. :-) Good luck. It is a long road to hoe, but it before you know it it's over.

Hi honey, my heart goes out to you. First, take care of you. Go to counseling. Go now and talk with someone that is unattached from your situation and ask their advice.
Once you feel better, start looking at ways to continue to feel better.

Unfortunately you are stuck with this man for another 16 years. A child needs his father. How you behave will determine the child's feeling towards you, not what they say.

As for the day care situation, if people know that she is the reason for your divorce, the affair, they will not side with her at all and understand why you are "psycho". I would be too. They would be too. Always keep your son's welfare at priority and then do your best not to discuss the other parties unless there is a valid concern at the day care. They will respect you for this. Try smiling as much as possible too - that alone will make you feel a little better. It might be wise to speak to the director and alert her of the trouble. This will give her the heads up and she can speak to her staff to mind their business not yours and not to be influenced by your ex's wife.

Have a separate happy life. When you are together for child functions, do not be afraid to step up and mention that you are the mom of birth. She took your husband, she can't take your child but be pleasant.

I know you are resentful but do your best to ask for forgiveness for these feelings. You are human and have been left behind and they are understandable. What you decide to do is up to you now, no one else.

You're not alone. Always remember that.

So sorry you are going through this and hopefully this is something that time will heal. It's still fresh and I think maybe that's why it can be so hard.

I don't know if I could take the advice myself, but taking the high road is best. Not saying nasty things in front of your son about the "other" woman and ignoring things she says (within limits). I think that kids learn by example and as the last person commented, they just "know" who is doing the right thing. If you take the high road, that is something your son will see and remember as he grows up.

Again, I am so sorry and can't imagine how hard it must be do deal with your Ex and his wife knowing how it all went down. (((Hugs)))

Well if it helps i can give you my situation. My ex and I split up in 03 when the kids were young ages of 7 and 9 in which he left me for another women after yes the 4th time. i was raised an old fashioned girl where you stick it out through thick and thin to maybe wind up being better but in the end it wasn't. well i finally moved on but my youngest still thought daddy was the best dad in the world. my oldest new that daddy was doing something wrong cus he made me cry all the time so he wasnt fooled by it all. well after the divorce was final and i moved on and got remarried a few years later. i was about to move to texas from idaho and my youngest pipes up and says he wants to live with dad. well eventho my heart said no i did my best to let him choose cus by then he was 10 and a bit older also he had 2 kids by then with the new girl. well the worse thing could happen, my ex and his wife started abusing him physically and mentally and each time he would visit he would tell me. the third time he came down i kept him. each time he would come down i would talk to my ex about what he was telling me and he would deny it as dalton was making up stuff. well now dalton is with me and my oldest and has finally come to the conclusion that dad isnt the best. they both realise now what dad did and hates him for it. I had them both in counseling for about 6 months to deal with all that they know now. They still want no contact with him and he hasnt paid child support since i have had him. so to me he is just out of the picture!

You will cope if you totally forgive them. Only then do they cease to have power over you. I know, I've been there.
Ask God to remove your bitterness, read Psalms, and do something that will make you feel good. You might get a new hairstyle, color, or a facial. And finally, exercise or do something that entails exertion---walk, run, play tennis, anything to keep that blood flowing so you can't be depressed! That's how I coped.

I think kids are really underestimated. They know even at a young age who is good to them and who is not. I went through the same thing. My ex's new girlfriend would badmouth me. I would just ignore it and told myself she"s just jealous. I on the other hand didn't waste my time bad mouthing my ex or his girlfriend and my daughter figured out all by herself what kind of person her daddy's girlfriend is. I know how it feels to see another woman playing mommy to your child but don't think of it that way at all. Your son will always come to you first. You're his real mommy and it will get better...i promise

J.,

You understandably are struggling, but your best line of defense is to let go of it all. Do your best to forgive and try to forage a relationship with this woman. It will be in your child's best interest, and yours. Tell yourself, you have learned what you needed from the past, and now it's gone. Put it behind you the best you can. Focus on today.

Today you have a loving relationship and a sweet child. Do your best to accept that the circumstances are not what you originally envisioned. Your child's parents don't live together, but your child is loved. Children do a lot better if the parents can get along. I'm betting you already know that.

I wouldn't confront anyone yet. Just work on mending fences. Be generous. I think it will serve you best in the end.

Last, I don't want to minimize your pain or frustration. It's real, but it will not help you or your child.

All My Best,
P.

Oh, boy. J., I know how you feel. I too had a child with a man who actually cheated on me but the women he ended up with after our split wasn't any of the women he was cheating with fortunately. However, the anger that you feel at this new woman who wormed her way into your husband's heart is only natural. I know that it hurts to see your ex act like the man he should have been for you and your son when he was with you and this woman who is playing mommy to your son sets your teeth on edge but it will only damage your son more if he sees and feels you stooping to their level. I, too, have dealt with this before and am still dealing with it now. The woman that my ex married was very forward in the beginning of her relationship with my daughter & it burned me inside like a white hot poker. She never said things about me that I am aware of but it was still very difficult to picture my ex playing daddy with his new wife when he couldn't care less before. However, after several years of dealing and coping, I finally let go of the anger and learned to just feel blessed at whatever happened to my ex to make him the father that he should have been all along and also grateful that God saw fit to bring a step-mother that would be good to my child even if it was difficult for me to see someone else take that role even part of the time. It will take you some time but eventually I think that you all can develop a relationship that might not be friendly but could be at least cordial for the sake of your son. As for your current situation, I don't know that I would have recommended removing the woman from the pickup list. You didn't mention that she has any qualities (other than potential trash-talk) that would be detrimental to your son and you even hinted that she takes good care of him. I think if she did say something to the daycare worker (take that info with a grain of salt. Those workers are terrible gossips!) it was probably because she felt wrongfully attacked by you and said something in the heat of the moment. I would definitely recommend giving yourself some time to cool off and then you should sit down first with your ex in a very non-confrontational way. Let him know that you understand that this woman will be in all of your lives but that you feel that things are happening very quickly and would just like for things with your son to slow down a bit so that he doesn't end up confused. As long as this conversation goes well, advise him that you would also like to have coffee with his fiancee and tell her the same. Let her know that your son is precious and that you are very happy that she will be good to him when he is with your ex but that you and your son will need time to adjust to the new situation. Just remind both of them that everything is in the best interests of your son. You might also ask her to look at it from your side. How would she feel if the roles were reversed and someone new jumped into a mother role with her child this quickly after a similar breakup with her husband. Also discuss what may or may not have been said at the daycare. Let her know that you weren't trying to be malicious (I hope you weren't) and that you just wanted to slow things down. Tell her that you hope that you will have a good relationship with her but it is difficult right now & you need her help to get there. I wish you the best of luck and just want you to know that when you are ready to open your heart, you can make this work but it has to start with you. K. G.

There was a question on here a week or two ago asking what it meant to have "petitioner may not make disparaging comments about respondent and respondent's family" in the divorce decree. It means that one party can't make offensive and belittling comments about the other, of course. You may want to put something like that in the final divorce papers. The new wife may want to put you down, but an official court order against it may shut her up. (Or it may not, in which case you can haul her and your ex into court.)

Good luck with it all. Your son will be fine, honest. Just take the high road with the ex and his new wife. You can always vent here! :)

It sounds to me that you are obsessed with this woman and are quite jealous of her. I know that you do not want your son around her, but legally there is nothing you can do about it. Just be sure that your child sees you in your best light at all times so if "she " does say anything negative about you, your actions will prove her wrong.
You need to move on and get over the fact that your marriage failed and that your ex-husband is a scumbucket. You are making way too much a fuss about the other woman. Because if she is the type of person you say she is, your child will be able to see she is not good and says bad things about his mother. He will be able to see what she is and your will come out the winner. So, try to bury your feelings about your ex and move on. Life is and can be great without this man.