How Do I Comfort 4Yr Old Daughter Asking Questions About Her Deceased Father?

I could be wrong but I'm guessing that she doesn't actually remember her father or the actual event of his death (or disappearance, as she would perceive it), since she was only 18 months at the time. She will always carry the loss within her as a part of her spirit and personality, however. It seems that her questions and feelings are primarily in response to the questions of her schoolmates, as well as a sense that she is different in not having a father.

I don't think she's too young to understand at 4; it sounds as if you are explaining it pretty well, maybe you need to add, in an age-appropriate fashion, that he died. The advice from the other mothers should be helpful, especially the books they have recommended. I think helping her to talk about how she feels about her father being gone would be a really good idea. After that you could occasionally tell her a story about her father. She would like that. I wouldn't discuss it all the time, as I don't think it's a loss she needs to carry around with her constantly - you can create MORE sadness and sense of loss by constantly talking about it.

I lost my 3 year old brother when I was 5, and I distinctly remember my mother walking in the door and saying, "Hunter died." Believe me I knew what that meant. To tell you the truth it was not the bluntness of how she put it that was the problem, it was not involving me in his illness before he died and never discussing him afterward.

So be truthful without being graphic, and talk about her father with her when you can see she needs it.

I'm so sorry for your great loss. It is very difficult for a child of that age to really understand death. When my dad died last year (my kids were very close to him) I did a lot of different things that helped a little. My kids were 2 and 4 at the time. First, I did (and do) talk about him often. What his likes and dislikes were, what he would have felt, etc. I tell them that they can talk to their grandpa all the time and he will always listen. They talk to him often now.

Second, I got this book talking about death that is written for little kids. I believe the title is "waterbugs and dragonflies". It basically talks about a family of waterbugs living in the bottom of a pond. Every once in a while, one of them goes to the surface and they never see them again. The waterbugs notice this and say to each other- when the next one of us goes up to the surface, they need to come back and tell us where they went! Then one day, that very same waterbug finds himself going to the surface and he transforms into a dragonfly. Then he realizes that he can no longer go back to the bottom of the pond because he has changed his body. Even though he loves his family, he can't go back.

Hope this helps a little.

there are some books that may help you and your daughter
about her fathers death. Call one of the bigger book stores they have very good children session hope this helps

I am so sorry for both of your loss. It's so h*** o* a young child to lose someone that was or should have been close to them. Even though your daughter was too young to really remember her dad, that doesn't mean she won't go through the grieving process. She will go through it just like you did. She's having tantrums because she's still in denial and getting to the anger part of it. I'm sure you too went through a period where you were angry over your loss. It's normal. You are doing a good job to support her through this.

Have you thought of creating a life book for her? A life book is a scrap book of a child's life including all the great people that have come in and out of their lives, fun things they have done, etc. Maybe it's something you could do together starting out with the pictures and momentos from her being born up until the time her daddy died. Do this slowly though, like a page at a time and let her process seeing her dad's face. When you get to the point where her dad died, leave a blank page for nothing to be put on because it holds daddy's extra special love for her that he left when he went up with God. Then start up again with all the pictures and happenings since his passing. It can give her a visual reminder that Daddy is gone. Death is a hard thing for kids to learn about especially when someone near and dear to them dies. They feel it can happen to them. That's the one nice thing about a life book because it shows all the life going on after the person is gone. She can learn that life still goes on, but that blank page will always remind her that Daddy's love never went away. It's always there just like that blank page.

I hope this helps and I hope you can both find peace with this.

L.

Perhaps talking about it ALL THE TIME. when you see a restaurant you once ate at, tell her, Daddy loves that restaurant, would you like to eat there?
You have a rough situation there, but my only suggestion is keep doing what you're doing, make him a very visible part of your household, even though he isn't there in person, he is there in spirit. Visit his grave stone, his favorite places, his family, help her make a book to him about all her favorites things. She understands death takes something away, but probably not the long term effects. for instance, Daddy won't be coming back. you and your daughter are so lucky to have had such a wonderful time with him. I am sorry that you are in such a hard situation, but keep the faith, God does and will provide answers.

Have you ever considered putting her into counseling, to help her work out her feelings about her dad's passing?

Is there another man in her life, and uncle or grandfather, that can serve as a stand in for some male bonding, and positive male role model?

Good luck honey, I will be praying for you!

Hello M.,

Thanks for posing this question since I will be faced with the same situation when my grandson is a little older. His Mommy died when he was 4 1/2 months. I am so very sorry for you loss and know how difficult it is to talk about it with your child without getting emotional or teary eyed.

I noticed on the replies there was a recommendation for a book called Waterbugs and Dragonflies. I looked on Amazon.com and there are a several books that may be of help for you and your daughter.

My grandson is not quite three and right now I just show him his Mommy's picture and tell him that his Mommy is an angel watching over him. I am sure you do something similar for your daughter.

When your daughter goes to school and kids ask her where her Daddy is, it is ok if she answers her daddy is in heaven and his job it to watch over her. Maybe you can get her an angel pin for her to wear on her clothes.

I have three kids, 8, 7, and 5months. Our family was reacently touch by death. I lost my Grandmother, she raised me, so it was like I lost my mother. We sat my oldest (8 years old) down and tried to explain it to him. We did it in a very simple way. We told him that she was very sick and her body was too tired to keep fighting. We told him that she went to Heaven and that she'll always be with him in his heart. Our family is not religious, but he seemed to understand what was going on. He still has questions, and I don't think he completley understands the bigger picture. He recently sent a card to my Grandpa and Grandma and I had to remind him that Nana (what he called her) wasn't with us anymore, and he told me that he knows. I really don't think he understands what death means. I would suggest explaining it to her very plainly (there are also books available) we spoke to a family member who is heavly involved in his church (catholic = to a pastor)... he said not to make it very complex... Explaining it to her may make it easier for her to explain it to the kids at school. Only you can be the judge if she's ready or not... Just remember that you should be the one to explain it to her, not her classmates...

As far as comfort... Tell her what a wonderful person he was and how much he loved her. Kids are pretty smart.

Hang in there..

M.,

I feel we are never prepared for death. It is difficult to understand at any age. It is hard when you do not know it is coming or do know.

I feel you are doing a great job at helping her go through this. Letting her know that daddy is now with God and one day we all go to God's home she will understand as she get's older but just helping her to get through the day will ease her pain. Do you have a brother or male friend that can be a good male role model for her? No one will take the place of her father but she may get comfort from talking to a male that she can trust and build her faith from.
I wish you and your daughter wellness together.
God Bless.

N. Marie

I am so sorry for your loss...
I looked up books when we had to put our dog to sleep and I wanted to explain it to my then 2 1/2 year old. Everything I read suggested not using euphemisms- so if you can handle it yourself, then tell her Daddy died instead of saying he's resting. She won't "understand" for a while yet (do any of us, really?), but you can take those times to explain your faith and about heaven and whatnot. You can tell her how much Daddy loved her and about his death not being her fault (or yours or anybody else's). The suggestions others made about the memory book or life book are good ideas, too. Here's a list I found helpful, though I ended up not getting any of the books. Maybe someone else will have a specific reccomendation.

http://www3.baylor.edu/~Charles_Kemp/terminal_illness/chi...