How Can I Be Approchable.....

Updated on August 03, 2010
L.V. asks from Jacksonville, FL
30 answers

Ever since i dropped out of highschool to have my baby no one calls, writes, or text me any more....My daughter is a YEAR old!!! and when i try to hang out with people they either blow me off or lie to me..i just cant understand i too nice??? i ask people if they want to hang out this weekend they say " i dont have anything planned, but idk ill see" y cant they invite me???? or make plans with me????? I mean i gotta have some social life cuz im only 18....there was a point where i was rly depressed about the whole situation but i got over it....and i just dont want to go through it again.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

By the WAY i have a JOB!!!!! but evry one is like 10 years older than I am and i wrk at a billing office.......

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answers from San Antonio on

The issue is that they don't feel like they have anything in common with you any more. You can't do anything about that, you're in a different stage of life than they are. That is true no matter how much you miss the old one. Welcome to motherhood, lol. What you have/ had are "fair weather friends." You deserve more than that, so seek out friends you can count on.

Look for other young mothers to befriend. Join a mother's group. Hang out at playgrounds. Look for a mentor.

They are still children and you no longer are; you are a mother. They no longer feel comfortable.

Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

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answers from College Station on

Take it from a 19 old mom with 2 kids.... GO BACK TO SCHOOL! Whats stopping you? There are so many places out there that will help with daycare and many daycare can offer assistance as well! I knew a girl who did the same thing you did got pregnant and dropped out and her friends quite talking to her! She just didnt have anything in common with them. They couldnt talk about classes or what so and so was up to. I graduated from HS, work full time and go to school full time. I have come to realize that your best encounters are through school and work. Dont get me wrong I love my girls and miss them while I am gone, but I need to make contacts and friends so that I can give them everything in life. If you want someone to talk to go get a job or go to school and stop dealing with the kids from HS! I am not trying to be mean and am sorry if it sounds that way, but PLEASE go back to school for your baby!

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Salinas on

Hi L.- You can try to be approachable all you want but I don't think your former "friends" are avoiding you because of your personality. As others have said let them go, even if you did maintain a friendship I doubt it would last as your life path and theirs are going to continue to go in different directions. I'm with the others that say go back to school. It will instantly solve your friend problem as any college campus will be filled with all types and ages of people with a similar goal. There will be lots of young mothers, people in their 20's and even older all trying to do something positive and better their lives. You can socialize at study sessions and doing homework in the library. You'd be surprised at the people who want to be your friend regardless of whether you're not your a Mom. You just have to put yourself in the right environment. Many community colleges have a daycare facility where you will meet MANY woman in exactly your position. Often you can "earn" free childcare while you attend classes by working at the daycare as trade. Look into financial aid and childcare opportunities at your local community college or see if your area has a non-profit that helps young people in your position. Often cities will have an "adult school" that offers counseling to help guide people in figuring out how to balance college and raising a child. Use the time you have now while your peers are partying to make a better life for you and your child. You can do it!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I had my son when I was 23, and (as nearly everyone else has said) the same thing happened. I kept a grand total of ONE friend... and she was out of state.

I'm also in an area where most of the mums are quite a bit older than I am. I certainly didn't FEEL young (who feels young after sleeping for 3 hours and being thrown up on? And add to it, that I'd already served my time in the military)... but most of the moms in my area were 20 years older than I was. TWENTY.

So mom's groups were out. The youngest moms were 10 years older than I was. I was also *constantly* mistaken for the nanny. LOL... and since I started college when my son was 2 months, I can't even *count* the number of times that if I mentioned I was in school... that I'd hear the "A highschool diploma is soooo important" speech. I'm sure you know it rote by now, yes? It wasn't just the cold shoulder + condescension, however... a lot of it was just the life stages thing. Because a new mom, or mom of a toddler, or mom of a kindergartner is dealing with the same issues whether they're 15 or 50 when it's their first rodeo. But the life stages thing can get in the way. Because by waiting 20 years longer than I did to have children the moms in my area were "set up". They had their education, jobs, husbands, houses... I was playing peekaboo over textbooks, and living off ramen. They had bimonthly paychecks and vacations... I got paid via financial aid check from my school to the tune of 3k every 3 months. So aside from being "Yikes! The terrible 2's." we had nothing in common UNLESS it was some other interest that brought us together and then we both just sort of happened to have children.

It took several years for me to really make new friends. Sure... I had school people I knew from classes and the programs I was in, but it's hard to actually form friendships when you have children... because "the usual exceptions" always apply.

((The usual exceptions/ aka last minute backing out))
- Can't afford a sitter because "x" has to get paid for
- Sitter is sick/ cancels/ doesn't show/ doesn't show on time
- Baby is sick
- Mom has caught what baby had
- Mom is just too exhausted
- Tantrums, huzzah
- etc.
* essentially it all boils down to not being able to make last minute plans, and even when plans are made "things" crop up.

My kiddo turned 8 today. And we were just going to have a little family thing (his "kids" party is in Aug, when his friends come back from vacation). Come to find... we had not only family but also 7 others who couldn't stay away (dropped by for hugs and a gift for kiddo, and stayed:). And at least 5 others who would have been here if we'd called, but knew we weren't having a party (and who I'm going to get in trouble for not calling, but we just weren't planning a party), and about 5 more who will be here FOR his kids' party... and all of them are MY friends, who love me and kiddo both. That's not even counting the parents of HIS friends.

It took some time. But I made friends again. And they are amazing people. Some have kids, some don't... some are my age, most are about 10-15 years older. Now the ones that don't have kids go out a couple times a week... the ones with kids but who are "set up" go out almost every weekend. I go out about once or twice a month. I could do more, but it doesn't make sense for me to. And in the summer we all meet up once a week for bbq. Another in our circle drops in every few months. It all works.

So how can you be approachable? Just by being you. :) :) :) And the right people who like you for you, and who enjoy being part of your life will gradually fill the spaces of those who leave.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Honey, you have nothing in common with those people any more, and they have nothing in common with you. What happened is natural, especially at your young age. It's sad, but it's not surprising that the people you used to hang out with don't want to hang out with you any more. They don't have little babies, and they are living a completely different kind of life.

It might be a little hard at first to find moms you can relate to, because you are a lot younger than many other moms, but eventually you will. Just don't take it personally in the meantime. People like to hang out with people who are like themselves. That is just the way it works.

Hang in there, be a good mom, and (I'm assuming the baby's father isn't in your life??), don't get involved with any guys until you have known them for MANY years and you know they will commit to you and your baby. You are VERY young.

Enjoy your baby. Hugs from me.

Oh yeah, and GO BACK TO SCHOOL!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Cincinnati on

I don't know you, so I don't know exactly what the problem is. I would guess, however, that your friends don't feel like they have much in common with you anymore, as everyone else has also said. Suddenly, you're at a very different place in your life, responsible for another life, and your friends are still just kids, hardly even out of high school. This happened to me when I got married. All of a sudden, my single friends were REALLY busy all the time. I think they just felt that I have moved on and we were too different, although I didn't feel that different.

I would check out yahoogroups and see if you can find a group for very young/single mothers. There are probably other websites that would be helpful, too, although I'm afraid I don't know them. This will help you meet young women who have more in common with you, or at least know what you are going through. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

I understand how you feel as my BESTfriend of 22 years basically stopped coming around as much as she once did... it hurt at first, but eventually I grew used to it. with that said, your "friends" not coming around and or calling MIGHT be a blessing in disguise for you in that they could be a distraction to your now having the chance to get that HS diploma... you can study for your GED.. something, but I would highly advise for you to get that education. it's so important... Take it from someone who knows.......... I dropped out of HS too.. however, it was for different reasons, yet no matter all the reasons in the world, you end up in the same place... NO EDUCATION.. it wasn't until i was 19 that I took my GED and then went on to do some college course work... forget about the social life for now... believe me.. that will come later on.. there are plenty of programs for moms such as yourself who can go back to school. See if you can find programs on the net who cater to those in your situation... you might just find, there are many who have things in common with you. What's most important is that you get your education... think about it this way, would you want your baby down the line to drop out of school?? probably not.. however, statistics show... parents who don't graduate, often have kids who don't, moreover, think of educating yourself as a way of doing something not only for you but also for your child..

best of luck :)

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

It can be hard for those who are still children to deal with those who have had to become woman (such as yourself). When you have a child you grow up fast, and your priorities change, you change. Don't worry, that is a good thing :), but leaving the past child behind can be very hard when you are still so young. I would try to find some play groups, or support groups for teenage mothers. Check with your local community center or church. You can make some new friends who understand where you are in your life because they are in the same place, and looking for the same support.
Blessed Be you and your family.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

I think the age doesn't really matter... I'm 31 (a young 31) and none of my friends have kids either... Our lives TOTALLY change after having kids and we can't do what we want to all the time anymore.. And "non-parents" just don't understand that...
ALL my friends came around for the first 6 months of my son's life but after that they slowly disappeared and started doing there own things again.. I don't have the energy or the need to go party till wee hours anymore.
It's a little frustrating because it really showed the "true" friendships once I had my son (he's now 3.5)..
The thing that absolutely saved me from getting in that "mommy depression" was finding mommy friends.. You can talk till your blue in the face to your "non" mommy friends about your kid/kids but they will never 100% understand until they are there...
All of my "mommy" friends aren't 100% of who I would hang out with if I didn't have children but it's great because we have our kids in common... I found moms in my neighborhood, went to a mommy and me group, and then I actually started my own mommy group.. There's about 8 of us and we just rotate houses each week... Makes it fair so one mom doesn't always constantly have to entertain and clean up.. Our kids range from 6 months-4 years old...
A child will 110% change our lives whether we want it to change or not.. Finding friends with kids is definitely the key... Where I live (Palm Beach County) there are tons of kids places to go to: A Latte Fun, Monkey Joes, Barrel of Monkey's etc.. Find some cute places like that in your area and you'll be sure to meet some moms...
Good luck :0)

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Birmingham on

Hey girl, I totally understand what you are saying. I had my first baby when I was 18. It's just a fact, when you have a baby your social life goes out the window. I know it's hard. You should try and find new friends that accept you and your baby. But if you ever need help let me know. I don't hardly have any friends I went to high school with either. You did the right thing by having your baby and putting her first. When you think about getting depressed, just look at your precious little girl and what a blessing she is. If they don't want to hang out with you because you had a baby, they weren't your friends to begin with.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Dear L.,

I would STRONGLY suggest that you drop back into SCHOOL. You will be taking adult education classes and then go onto junior college. If you can't afford it, you will most likely qualify for assistance.

In furthering your education, you will meet others who are interested in their future and the future of their children. You will find new and solid people with whom to socialize.

You may be only 18, but your a mama now and your first priority is you baby. This does not mean you're not entitled to a "social life", it means you need to upgrade and improve.

If you don't know where to begin with getting on with your education, make an appointment with an adult education counselor or at your local junior college. There's a whole new life and world out there waiting for you and your baby. Keep us posted.


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

This is a normal part of growing up. Usually it happens after you graduate and everyone disperses into different directions. Even when you are older (like me) and your friends don't have kids it happens, because you have very little in common any more.
I would suggest that you find a moms group that you can attend with your child and form new friendships. You may have to look for a while - don't be disappointed if the first groups you join don't work out.... just keep looking.
Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Sacramento on

The fact is, your lives are quite different. They're still being kids, while you're raising one. I think that probably scares off many of them. I would try to find some real friends who share similar interests and won't flake on you. Are there are local groups for teenage moms? I bet there are many like you who still want a social life to some degree, even though they're moms. Search and check through local service groups that help teenage moms.

Good luck! And understand it can be hard to find great friends at any age. Just make the extra effort and I think you'll find some others who will value your friendship.
P.S. I second Toni's advice about going back to school. You just might make some new friends that way and you'll be putting yourself in a stronger position for success in life at the same time.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Austin on

You have grown apart. It's part of adult life. You can try a "meet-up" group or even church to find people who are at a similar stage in life. I am in my thirties and don't talk to a lot of the people that I knew pre-children anymore. No one's fault, it's just the way the world works.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

I absolutely agree with Melissa M below. You have started a new journey in your life and they have no idea how to mesh their world with yours. I would suggest finding a support group of young moms in your area to talk with and socialize with. They are going through the same thing you are going through and will help you get through hard days.

BTW- I don't think this advise is age specific. I think that even older moms need a support group of mommies, because people without kids, just don't understand how they change your life.

Best wishes!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

When you chose to have a baby that child should have become the most important thing in your life. And you as a Mom need to face the fact that girls without children at your age do not want to be tied down with a Mom that has children. I don't blame them. At 18 years of age I didn't want to be tied down with a child. But you made this choice, not your friends. Suck it up and make friends with Mom's your age. Your baby is now number 1 in your life and you will find you have to give up lots of things through out your life for your child. It's all a part of being a good Mom. Join a Mom's group. Go to the Library story hours when your child is old enough. You will meet lots of Mom's there.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

You've become a mother, and your friends have no idea how to relate to you anymore. Keep in mind that you're very young (although you may not feel it) and so are they. Most of them are nowhere near mature enough to handle your situation, or even process it. Thus, the isolation.

You might try finding new friends that can appreciate you and your situaiton a little more.
You may also have to insert yourself a lot more into your old friends to show them that you're still the same person. But the bottom line is, you may have lost some friendships permanently, and that's not a bad thing.

As young as you are, you need to be around people that will support you, as well as have fun with you. If there are people that can't handle doing that, it's best not to have them in your life anyway.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Ocala on

This is a situation that happens to many young girls who have made the choice to have a child vs. having an abortion.
I was just 17 when my 1st child came into my world, I was lucky, my boyfriend, the baby's Father was very much in the picture, you didn't mention your boyfriend so I am assuming he isn't there for you.
My Mom & Stepfather were wonderful as well. I still had my very close friends but they, as you have found were on a different level socially than I. When my daughter was 10 months old I went back to school and found a few girls in the same situation as I was and then we had fun with our babies and each other, we had slumber parties, birthday parties, went to the park with our 'new arrivals', etc.. We occasionally had a 'girls night out' with parents or babysitters caring for our kidlets!
If at all possible try to go back to school, it not only will give you your education, it will give you some time away from baby.
Get involved with websites that are for girls like yourself, go to Yahoo! Search and you will find support groups, this will give you a place to vent and console others and they in turn can support you & your new addition.
The most important thing is to remember that your life is NOT over, you have made a decision that is life altering, BUT the good part is that new baby who is learning to walk & talk, who holds their little chubby arms outstretched, with a big smile & giggle to her/his Mommy, my daughter is now 40 yrs.young with grown children of her own & she is STILL my best friend, we grew up together, she knows my good self, my bad self and still we have that unconditional love that only is shared between a Mother & her child.
It WILL get better, I KNOW it will!


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Unfortunately you are getting a dose of reality here. As you grow up and get married and have kids, you will find out who your true friends are, and very rarely, will you still have the same friends as an adult, as you had when you were in school. Sorry...this is just how it is. I know it's deppressing, but maybe you could meet up with other young moms in your situation. Good luck to you!



answers from Daytona Beach on

my sister had a child young. she and her friends hung out for a while after she had the baby, but interests and priorities are different (or they should be). i had my first child when i was 25. i had 1 very close friend that i had had since like 2nd grade. when i had my daughter we started seeing less and less of eachother. when someone doesn't have a child they don't understand how things are. you can't talk on the phone for hours on end, you can't pick up and go somewhere at the drop of a hat just because. if they were truly your friends they would still call, or at least TRY to understand where you are at this point in your life. Even if the girls in your office are 10 yrs older, so what? if they are on the same level as you, does it matter? when i was younger i hung out with people who were that much older than i. and i enjoyed myself more than i did when i hung out with the ones more my age. you might could also consider (if you have time due to work) joining play groups or go the the library summer programs. they have a lot of young mothers looking for friendship for themselves and their children.



answers from Tampa on

You are right, you are too young to be a mom w/out a social life. Did you express how depressed you were in the past to these "friends" that you want to hang out with? If so, that could be a reason, maybe they think you will be down all the time or something...Sucks but that is how people are. If not, maybe they don't know how to act because they feel sorry for you. Are you doing things to better your life? If so, great!!! That should come first and foremost before spending your time worrying about these girls cause if you don't, 10 more years will go by and you'll be stuck in the same rut. Worry about friends once you get back on your feet and chances are, you won't even want anything to do with the same ones. Once you really feel happy with yourself and your life, and not a "oh, I'll be ok" kind of happiness, everything will change. Funny how that is, lol.....Don't get depressed again, not fair to yourself or your baby. None of this will mean jack **** in five years, remember that :) Cheer up!



answers from Jacksonville on

I think that one of the most important things to consider here is that once you have a child, no matter your age, you now have nothing in common with your previous peer group. Especially if they are all still in school and aren't parents.

I suggest going back to school to finish your education. Yes, you may be employed now, and it is commendable, but not finishing school will allow for you to stay in the never ending circle of never being able to advance jobs, instead of having a career.

I would also join other forums like They have area specific groups, i.e. sides of town; groups for young moms, teen moms, etc. Finding others that you do have something in common with will allow for you to have more of a social life. They will be more than nice to invite you to their playdates, MNO's (Mom's Night Out), etc.

Good luck!


answers from Little Rock on

I'm so sorry that people can be so cruel to others. But see if there is some kind of young mothers group in your area. Maybe threw the Y or at any daycare facility, sport plex. This is hard thing to go threw but it will get better if just get yourself out there. I wouldn't hang out with the OLD I would find the NEW. The new might be better for you anyway!!! And you would have to feel like the old person that the OLD knew. Even thou you are still that same old person your life as changed in SOOO many ways and thiers haven't and they don't understand. Sometimes it is not WHO you KNEW is it WHO you can KNOW now. Just know that we will try to help in away that we can.
Stick to it and Stay Strong.



answers from Denver on

I can imagine that's tough, but it even happens at any age - when some friend have babies and all that comes with them and some don't. I agree, maybe look for a mom's group - best yet another mom's groups with young moms and similar experiences. Google some community support organizations in your area. Also, going back to get your GED if you can might put you in touch w/ some folks juggling "real life" responsiblities and school like you. Good luck & hang in there!



answers from Boca Raton on

I'm sorry to hear about your depression, glad you got over it. I agree you need to make time to laugh, go out and have some fun. Is there anything that you have an interest in? Do you like sewing or reading? Crochet/Knitting? Look online for some meetup groups. You will probably find some mom meet up groups. You can also look for a young moms group?
Are the people that you're trying to hang out with your friends from before you had your baby? If so, they may be uncomfortable being around a child. Did you see that Lifetime show Teen mom? Interesting to watch. Perhaps you need to seek new friends who have kids? They will have similar issues and that could help you cope, give you ideas or people that you can help.

Good luck!



answers from San Francisco on

Hi, I understand what you are saying. People who don't have kids just don't understand. Try getting involved in a mom's group in your area. if there isn't one, start one-- you can post an ad on craigslist or something like that. Good luck! You can also meet other moms at the parks, kindergym etc.



answers from Tallahassee on

My sister had her first child at 16, her second at 18. She very much yearned to "be a part of things" as she was before the birth of her first. Even worse, she had to watch her twin brother graduate high school, her graduation, that she couldn't even participate in. She got her diploma, but not her moment of glory. And, as Mom's that is how it goes... It isn't about you any more, it is about your child. I can't tell you the sacrifices I have made for my own daughter, and I would make them all again. It's what good mothers do. I understand how you might be having trouble adjusting at your age, but the simple fact is: you have to.



answers from Miami on

You pose a hard one to answer here because on one hand I can understand your need for a social life, but on the other hand I want to stress to you that life as you know it changes when you have a baby. There are not too many 17-18 year-olds having babies, so you may in fact have to look to a slightly older crowd. Your "friends" from high school are probably having a lot of fun and partying, but you have bigger responsibilities now; I hope that you realize that. Young kids - well, teenagers - don't often relate well to someone their age who has a child and they are often thought of as more of a nuisance or just inconvenient.

I do hope that you are putting your child first and being a responsible, loving mother. Consider trying to find a mommies group in your area - that will give you the opportunity to do fun things with your child and many mom's groups have periodic mom's night outs to enjoy some social life sand child(ren)! I belong to a great group that I found when I moved to Florida 2 years ago through It's a great way to find a group in your area - you can go onto the website and search - maybe there's a young moms group that would be ideal for you. If not, there's bound to be some younger moms (20s) in most groups and being a mom now that would probably be a better crowd for you. I hope I wasn't too harsh and I hope this helps; it's important to have "me" time, buty not at the expense of your parenting responsibilities. Best wishes!



answers from Miami on

L. you got alot of good advice and you also got some lecturing. You have a beautiful baby and need some support from people that are just like you. I was a teen mom, but I went to school and got my bachelor's. It took me 5 years to get it done and I was able to form some really good bonds with people who were like me and some that couldn't have been more different. Your old friends might not understand how to deal with you and your "new" situation. So I guess my best advice would be to make it painfully clear to those you care about that you really want to hang, and then do what you need to do to be a positive contributing member of our society. Whatever that may be, you are the instant role model of this kid who is going to look up to you until they become a teenager and all of a sudden know more than you:)

Stay strong, keep positive and you'll get the real friends to see that you just need a little outlet to hang and you'll get new ones to give you the support you need.


answers from Dallas on

Hi L.,

I know I''m a little late but just wanted you to know I have been in your shoes, I'm 27 now but had my first child the month after turning 18. I quickly noticed how all of my friends who did not have kids, could no longer relate to me and my new life. It hurt for a while, but I moved on because it's their loss, not mine.

Are you married? If so, consdier yourself blessed. Lots of girls our age that had babies, were single and w/out friends. As long as you have a good family, or just a great supportive husband, you don't need any of those friends. Best thing would be to get involved in some sort of mom group. I didn't think it would be my thing in the beginning but you can meet a lot of coold nice people that way and have some playmates for your little one.

Anyhow, hope you don't let this bring you down, just know those people aren't in the same place as you anymore and don't know how to relate. Hang in there and best wishes to you!

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