How Best to Handle 23 Month Old Hitting and Kicking

One comment we almost always get about our daughter is how well-behaved she is, and that she doesn't suffer "the terrible twos". I'll share with you how we operate:

The most important thing we can do as parents is to be *annoyingly* CONSISTENT. It's really important for us, as parents, not to be lazy and to just call out warning after warning, or to call out to our kids not to do stuff. Kids thrive by learning through repetition. If we are not consistent, they get confused, don't know where the lines are, test the boundaries like crazy, etc. When there is a routine about EVERYTHING (not just for sleep, but for meals, discipline, putting on their shoes, etc), kids pick up the guidelines very quickly and clearly.

And yes, kids get angrier when they are disciplined, but that's just something you accept and just go about the time-out routine. Our daughter almost never goes to time-out without putting up a fight. But you don't react, because if you do, they learn that this behavior is what gets a reaction.

So this is what we do, and it works like clockwork:

If she hits, she never gets a warning - she goes straight to time-out. If she hits, I tell her, "No hitting. Because you hit, you go to time-out". I very calmly take her to her time-out place. I don't yell, I don't sound angry, I just tell her in a non-emotional tone that she is going to time out because she hit. We put her in a chair, facing a corner where she has absolutely no distractions, and then leave for two minutes (she's 25 months of age as of the 16th). At the end of two minutes, we kneel down to where we are eye to eye with her. We ask her, "Why did Mommy/Daddy put you in time-out?" Sometimes she'll answer correctly, other times we coach her ("Mommy put you in time out because you hit."). Then we say, "No hitting. If you hit, you go to time-out. Can you say no hitting?" She says no hitting. I then ask her to apologize. She says I'm sorry, and then I tell her, "Thank you, I love you. Remember, no hitting" give her hugs and kisses and let her go back to playing.

This definitely works, because there have been times where I see her raise her hand to hit, and she pulls back because she makes the mental connection in her head.

She almost never hits, and has never, ever hit another child, but she has hit me a couple times. So if she were to hit another child, I would just change the routine by telling her "now you have to go say I'm Sorry to [name]." Hold her hand, walk her over, coach her through apologizing. Once she did it, I'd tell her "Good girl! Thank you for apologizing" and remind her of no hitting, and then tell her I love her, give her a hug, and to have fun and go play.

Hope it helps. Works like a charm with us. She's a very well-behaved girl.

I agree with the time-outs, which we also do, but my son, I think, enjoyed the power of it and wasn't handling his frustration with others well, so, he continued to hit when he was tired and frustrated. Bad enough with us, but even more so when he hit his little friends. We used a sticker chart, which got him a small gift after he got 10 stickers (he got pre-nap and post-nap stickers if he didn't hit). We did it for a period of 30 stickers, and he finally got it! That said, he does still hit, just not as frequently, and he immediately cries when he does it because he knows he's going into time-out. He has primarily replaced his hitting with yelling "No! No Mommy! No Daddy!" or "Hit! I want to hit you!" While not ideal, it's better than hitting. We're trying to teach him how to deal with frustration, but, he's only 2 so the lesson isn't easy. He'll get it as long as we keep trying and modeling the behavior. Good luck!

I get very upset when my kids hit me and it hurts!!! For this reason I give timeouts that create a gap between me and them instead of a holding timeout.

I usually strap them into the high chair or car seat, (depending on where we are) and then walk off and let them wrestle it out why I go in the next room and calm down.

I can usually see them for safety but try to go where they can't see me. When they stop screaming I go up to them and calmly say, "Mummy is sad, you don't hit, you need to be soft and nice." I then tell them, "do you want to get out?" If they respond positively then I say "then please show mummy nice." They then stroke my face or whatever action we have practiced that is considered nice. I have even gotten their hand before and had them stroke my face if they are calm enough to teach them soft etc.

I then react very positively and they get out. If they are still having a fit I say "when you can show mummy nice/soft you can get down." I may go back a few seconds or minutes later and repeat this until they get the idea they're not getting down until they are soft.

I would also try to figure out what causes this behavior. You already suggested the change. Hungry, thirsty, tired etc are also varied reasons. I desire for increased autonomy as well as testing limits, or frustration at not being able to express themselves fully are also possible reasons.

If you think he may need more help expressing himself then I would do everything in your power to talk to him constantly and show him things while you are doing them so he can understand situations better. I find teaching the behaviors I want to have them do and providing consistent consequences helps to help them control themselves.

I'm a behavior specialist and all I can say is this: Of course his temper worsens when you assert your authority. He is trying to gain control and authority over you, therefore his behavior escalates. You HAVE to implement boundaries and consequences CONSISTENTLY. The biggest downfall I see of families I work with is their lack of consistency. If time-out is your thing, use it, do it, every time...even if you're in the grocery store. I've done it. You'll be surprised how many people chuckle and keep walking IF they even notice. If you let your two year old have control now, you'll have an uphill battle his whole life with you attempting to tell him what best for him and give him guidance.

First of all, know that this is totally normal, developmental behavior. You don't have a mean kid. That being said, he needs to learn not to hit. You have to find what works for you-- we use timeouts. Hitting gets an automatic timeout. I use the second stair (the "naughty stair" a la Supernanny), and a timer for 2 minutes. You have to be extremely consistent, however. The first time we did a time out I carried him back something like 17 times, and it took about 45 minutes. It was awful! He was crying, I was crying, it was a mess! But the second time I only carried him back something like 7 times. And by the third time he stayed there for the whole 2 minutes. My son is 2 3/4 now and if he hits (which is rare) he puts himself on the naughty stair without even being told! I know people who have been successful with other methods (ignoring, spanking), but time outs are what work for us.

I would definitely not ignore hitting behavior EVER! Time outs work great for active little boys. Immediate reaction to the time out chair, stern voice that we DO NOT HIT ANYONE and let him sit there for two minutes, which seems like it isn't long, but he will probably hate it. Keep in mind that you are the parent in charge here, don't let him feel your confusion over what to do. If his behavior escalates the first few times you react, fine! He will learn. Be stern, strong and consistent and nip this behavior in the bud!